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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have told DH that i love the children slightly more than him ?

224 replies

Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 10:27

Lightheartedly of course in context however he is a bit taken aback and I can tell he is stewing a bit . I did not mean I don't love him - just differently and perhaps less powerfully to how i love my children. Is this normal ? Am i being out of line here in the way I feel or does everyone feel some degree of this but no-one actually says it ...i am feeling rather guilty now !

OP posts:
Ronnyhotdog · 23/03/2018 10:50

It’s an odd one. I love my children in a different way to dh, and would do anything for them. They come first. I expect dh to feel the same way.
Dh always moans that I love the children more than him because I give them extras for dinner. I agree with him, we laugh about it. If he was seriously upset I’d think him a bit of a nobber.

Osopolar · 23/03/2018 10:50

DH and I have said that we love DS and the cats more than each other. It has come up in jokey conversations about who to rescue in a fire etc. It is always light hearted though and we know that we love each other very much.

Rudi44 · 23/03/2018 10:51

I would imagine most people if pressed would admit to loving their children more. And the love I have for my DD is a different all consuming love that sometimes I get hit by a panic that something will happen to her and the knowledge that if (god forbid) it did then my life would be over. My partner I love of course but it's different. I am sure that we have both articulated that we were both surprised by how much we love DD. To be honest if he told me he loved me more I would definitely think less of him

ReinettePompadour · 23/03/2018 10:51

I would die for my children...however would I die for DH, nope absolutely not Grin

It sounds really awful but you cannot replace a child, its part of you. Your partner although themselves irreplaceable you can find another partner should you need/want to.

SootSprite · 23/03/2018 10:52

I think a parent should love their children more than anything else. I adore my dh, and he me, but it is not as all encompassing as what we feel for our dd. He is being a little bit silly. Offer him some of your chocolate and let him know that you love him loads.
We once had a conversation about if we three were on a sinking ship with just two life jackets. We had a heated discussion about who would go with dd as each thought the other should go. Thankfully we don’t go on many boats 😂

TheHandmaidsTail · 23/03/2018 10:52

We had this exact conversation, and I was quite open that I loved our 3 dc more than DH, of course I do! I made them with him. I had assumed he felt the same way. He said he loved us the same but differently.

I said who would he rescue first in a burning building. He said DC of course. So to my mind he does love them more, and so he should!

WunWegWunDarWun · 23/03/2018 10:53

This is so weird. My DH knows I love DD more. Of course I bloody do! And I flipping hope he does too. I wouldn't be in the slightest bit hurt by this.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 23/03/2018 10:53

DH knows I’d save the children over him without a moment’s hesitation. I don’t need to tell him. He’d crawl over my broken body to save them too. He doesn’t need to tell me that either.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/03/2018 11:00

Why did you do that exactly? Did it need saying? Articulating into words where none are needed?

Just think back to the conversation that you've now had next time your husband fails to give you a loving response that you crave.

Silly game-playing.

Whenthereshope · 23/03/2018 11:00

I love my child the most, have no problem vocalising that and I suppose I'm opposite to most in that I would want my partner to love the child more than me. I'd find it a bit needy if they had a problem with me loving kids more and I'd find it unmanly if they said they didn't love the kids more than me.

BennyTheBall · 23/03/2018 11:02

Would you die to save your child? Of course.

Would you die to save your husband? Possibly not.

We are programmed to love our children the most, but it's a different type of love.

Lethaldrizzle · 23/03/2018 11:02

We love our children more than each other. And we both have no problem with that. Isn't it partly nature's way of making sure offspring are cared for?

Tartanwallpaper · 23/03/2018 11:04

We had the "fire rescue" conversation. My DH was very detailed. He'd get both kids at once, leave the door open after himself so dogs would escape and just hope they came back then come find me if I was still in the house...

fascinated · 23/03/2018 11:05

The fire thing is irrelevant

It’s just the oxygen mask rule. It’s practicalties.

Confusedbeetle · 23/03/2018 11:05

The love you feel for your partner is totally different from the love you feel for your children.

Sparkletastic · 23/03/2018 11:05

Oh god DH knows I love the kids more than him. And the dog. We still get along well - he just knows his place.

FluffAndFluster · 23/03/2018 11:06

Of course I love the kids more than dh. And vice versa. Dh wouldn’t bat an eyelid if I said this to him in a lighthearted or serious way. It’s how it should be imo.

blackteasplease · 23/03/2018 11:07

Good God doesn't everyone? I would expect any partner to love their kids more than me, whether their kids were also mine or not!

Allthewaves · 23/03/2018 11:07

Well it's true but wouldn't sat it to dh

blackteasplease · 23/03/2018 11:09

It is a different kind of love of course but there's still a less / more about it imo.

Tryingtokeepfit · 23/03/2018 11:11

Could you explain that it's a different sort of love you have for your children?

You love your DH incredibly. It's a conditional sort of love though. (For example if he did or said something awful, like cheating on you, or physically hurt someone, your love for him would surely damaged).

Whereas you love your children no matter what they do or say or treat you.

That's how I would describe it.

MaiaRindell · 23/03/2018 11:12

Of course everyone loves their children more than their partners. I love my children more than everyone - even my DM to who I'm especially close. I would be shocked by people who thought this may be otherwise.
Is he sensitive?

Crazybunnylady123 · 23/03/2018 11:15

I love my partner and my child the same but in different ways. I love seeing them together they are everything to me. I would never say I loved one more than the other.

GrumpyWhenHungry · 23/03/2018 11:15

It's a different Type of love isn't it? Not comparable imo

But if I had to save one in a fire or in a complete life/death situation I'd obviously choose my kids

I'd hope my dh would do the same

kimanda · 23/03/2018 11:16

I am shocked at the amount of posters saying the OP is in the wrong. It's her husband who being an asshole, not her.

I love my husband - of course I do, and there is very little I wouldn't do for him. But if it came down to it, and I had to say.... give a kidney to save HIS life, or one of my 2 kids lives, it would be a no-brainer. Of COURSE I would put them first.

Any man who sulks because his wife said she would put the children before him and loves them more than him, is a childish, attention-seeking diva. Similarly, I would expect him to put them before me too, and would be shocked and upset if he said he would put me first.

No-one, and I mean NO-ONE would be put before my 2 kids. Not even my husband, no....

Maybe the OP said it in a clumsy, 'jokey' way, but surely her husband should 'get' that any normal woman loves her children more than anyone else; yes even her husband. I would find it very odd if someone said they would put their husband before their kids, and that they love him more.