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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have told DH that i love the children slightly more than him ?

224 replies

Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 10:27

Lightheartedly of course in context however he is a bit taken aback and I can tell he is stewing a bit . I did not mean I don't love him - just differently and perhaps less powerfully to how i love my children. Is this normal ? Am i being out of line here in the way I feel or does everyone feel some degree of this but no-one actually says it ...i am feeling rather guilty now !

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 12:31

Mrs Dilber xxFlowers so sorry xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 12:32

Shoelaces Grin I have 3 boys ...i get you !! X

OP posts:
Whatififall · 23/03/2018 12:32

I’m sorry for your loss MrsDilber Flowers

That argument is one I had once with exh though. He was moaning about not being my priority once and I asked him what would happen if our house was on fire, I fully expected him to say he’d get DD out and then I could show how I still loved him but DD would be my first thought to rescue in a fire. He didn’t say that. He would make sure I was safe first apparently. That was one of the things that made me realise we were no longer compatible.

TalkinBoutWhat · 23/03/2018 12:32

But it's a very different kind of love. You love AND like your DH because of his good qualities, being sexually attracted to him, and above all, you CHOOSE to be with him, and you are choosing to be with him for the rest of your life. Pretty powerful stuff.

But your DC, your love is instinctive. It's there even when don't like them. Even if they were in gaol for murder, you'd love them. It might hurt to love them, but nevertheless you love them. But it's a love that wants to see them grow, spread their wings, need you less and less as time goes on. A love that wants to see them have the same type of happiness you have with your DH.

IMO the two can't even be compared.

BrendasUmbrella · 23/03/2018 12:34

I would have thought that was normal. I do think it's more normal for mothers to feel that way than fathers though, in general. We had dinner with friends last weekend where the guy was laughing "I love her, she loves the kids, they love the dog, the dog loves me, and that's how we work so well!"

HagSeed · 23/03/2018 12:34

I accidentally made my DH put his foot in it. He has children, I don't. I cuddled him one day and said, "You're my favourite person!" He said, "You are..." and then his brain started working overtime and he never finished the sentence Blush

AnnieAnoniMouse · 23/03/2018 12:35

Your DH must be incredibly sensitive to take a comment said that way, to heart.

I don’t think the love you have for your partner and the love you have for your children can be compared. They’re not relatable nor interchangeable. There’s no ‘more’ or ‘less’ - there’s just ‘different’.

All of this ‘saving from a fire’ stuff is nonsense too. It’s not about love, it’s about need. Of course you save your children first because their need is greater. But if your OH is disabled, and your kids are teenagers you might save them first and shout for the kids or whatever, then go back ASAP. Needs come first, it’s just that children are usually the neediest. It’s human nature to prioritise the survival of the young.

Namechange16 · 23/03/2018 12:36

I'd be worried if my husband loved me more than our children to be honest.

I've always said things like "get them out of the burning building first." And he says "obviously " and I feel the same.

Lizzie48 · 23/03/2018 12:38

Having read the actual conversation, the OP didn't exactly say that she loved her DCs more than her DH. She said, 'I love you more than chocolate but not more than the DCs.'

I'm quite sensitive and I can't imagine being upset by this tbh.

Bramble71 · 23/03/2018 12:41

I don't think you can compare your love for your partner and love for your children. They are completely different.

MrTumblesSpottyHag · 23/03/2018 12:43

My husband and I have talked about this. We both love the kids more than each other and I'd be a bit taken aback if he didn't love the kids more tbh.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 12:43

Yes Lizzie that is true - but that is how he took it - he laughed and then thought about it and then said so you love the dc more than me ??and i misread the moment and said ...well, maybe a little but and chuckled. He didn't. Blush

OP posts:
QueenofmyPrinces · 23/03/2018 12:46

My DH has recently been away abroad now for ten days and after a week of being away he phoned me and said that as much as he missed our boys he missed me more.

Inside I was thinking WTF? Shock because if I was away from home I’m pretty sure I’d miss the children more than I missed him.

Lizzie48 · 23/03/2018 12:49

I actually think he was a bit daft to ask that personally. I can't imagine asking my DH that question or vice versa.

MrsKoala · 23/03/2018 12:54

This baffles me. I think my DH and I love loads of things more than each other. I would hate to be with someone i loved that much. It must be hard to breath. We have the kind of relationship where we know and acknowledge this and neither of us mind - in fact we are pleased. I think it's quite arrogant to expect someone to love you more than a life they grew and created.

I always think of the Ryan Reynolds quote about using your spouse as a human shield to protect your children if necessary. 'I used to say to [Blake], "I would take a bullet for you. I could never love anything as much as I love you." I would say that to my wife. And the second I looked in that baby's eyes, I knew in that exact moment that if we were ever under attack, I would use my wife as a human shield to protect that baby.'

Original poster
Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 12:56

Queen - I suppose that goes along the lines of PP saying that a partner we choose is the one we have romantic love and companionship with , and children are differemt. Ie he enjoys ypur equal companionship and misses specifically that mote than being dad maybe ?

OP posts:
RoryHatesCoffee · 23/03/2018 12:58

I love both equally- i.e. more than the entire world and would do anything for either and put both before myself. But my love for my child is more protective than my husband, and I'd save my child before I saved him. I think you can prioritise and protect your child more whilst still loving both the same.

Love51 · 23/03/2018 13:01

Who you miss is a strange one too - I don't tend to 'miss' DH, whereas the kids are only just school aged so I still worry about them if I'm away for any time. Most if their lives they've been with me outside my working hours.
Right now I'm ill so if I could have one of them home from school / work, it would be the one who doesn't require anything from me and can make me a cuppa. For the next 3 years that is only DH. But that reflects MY needs right now.
I'm beginning to think that relationships aren't quantifiable. I have very different expectations from each.
I don't wear jewellery on my right hand because my 4 year old hates it. If he were 14 I wouldn't pander, but equally I won't be forcing him to hold my hand by them. If my partner started dictating my jewelry I'd consider him controlling, start a thread, and be advised to LTB.

Coyoacan · 23/03/2018 13:04

I would kind of expect all parent to feel like this. If me and the kids were drowning in a canal and dh pulled me out first, I'd push him in!

They are two different types of love, to be frank. But personally I would expect parental love to trump romantic love, at least until the children are adults.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 23/03/2018 13:10

Oh mrs dilber, so very very sorry for your loss Flowers A ice pick to my heart.

I was musing whether saving my kids would actually be a form of self preservation, because I couldn’t compute a life without them.

ButchyRestingFace · 23/03/2018 13:21

Seems like a no brainer to me. Can't see that OP did anything wrong. Confused

FutureFairyCrayon · 23/03/2018 13:23

I certainly love my daughter more than my dp, and he loves her more than he loves me. It would be bizarre if we didn't imo. She is quite literally part of us, we created her.

Faced with a choice of saving her life or his, it would be her every time.

Baubletrouble43 · 23/03/2018 13:25

I'm with minor. My dp and I both agree that we love the kids more and that parental love and attachment overpowers romantic. Don't see whats wrong with that at all. It goes without saying that the kids get saved first in any horrid emergency scenario.

BrazzleDazzleDay · 23/03/2018 13:28

Christ some days i dont even like dh or the dc Grin

Love my dc much more than dh. Totally normal.

Peaspleaselouise · 23/03/2018 13:29

YANBU. I grew and birthed my children and they are a genetic part of me. I love my DH to pieces but as said above, the love I feel for my kids is unlike any other.

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