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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have told DH that i love the children slightly more than him ?

224 replies

Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 10:27

Lightheartedly of course in context however he is a bit taken aback and I can tell he is stewing a bit . I did not mean I don't love him - just differently and perhaps less powerfully to how i love my children. Is this normal ? Am i being out of line here in the way I feel or does everyone feel some degree of this but no-one actually says it ...i am feeling rather guilty now !

OP posts:
kateandme · 23/03/2018 11:18

its completely different type of love.with dc it primal gut wrenching protective almost like theyre part of you.
with dc you fell in love with him the respect and love grew to the same thing but stems and feel different but on the same level.
exactly the same when you look at them on scales but so different.
unwordable difference lol

Nocabbageinmyeye · 23/03/2018 11:20

Yanbu, everyone knows you love your kids more than your oh. Tell him stop being a baba, he loves the kids more than you I bet, it's just one of those things

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 23/03/2018 11:21

Surely it's a normal thing to adore your children in a different way to your DH/DW. It's not something you should feel bad for; I'm sure DH knows that if we had two parachutes on a plane about to crash I'd strap them onto the DC and push them out because it's and instinct to do anything to protect your own offspring borne of thousands of years of evolution.

If DH was mardy because he realised I love the DCs differently to how I love him I'd probably laugh and call him a bit of a fool.

Doh9899 · 23/03/2018 11:22

Kids come first. Then husband. In that way I understand the loving them more. But to say u don't love him as much is harsh. U can love the same but in a different way but they come first

SundayGirls · 23/03/2018 11:23

The two loves are different (for me) and I love my DH as much as I love the children. I love them both the same but differently, so there's no competition (as such) who's in first place, there's not a pecking order.

Maybe your DH feels like I do and so he's upset to hear you have ranked him (as last).

Original poster
Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 11:23

Thank you all for your replies - all so very well put! I have just had a cup of tea with DH and apologised and attempted to explain without waffling and making too big a thing about it. I think he got it and is hopefully reassured. He is an incredibly sensitive man - and the double weight that brings whereas I am like a bull in a China shop mostly and he understands that. So the views on here are quite varied but generally speaking what you are saying is it is relatively normal/biological to feel this way but it's not a competition as love is not quite as neat and quantifiable as that. And that this is FIRMLY on the list of Things Not To Tell Your Partner.
Also, pretty much all of us would all prioritise our childrens' lives over our partners' in a fire/lifeboat/ hot air balloon/ plane crash situation .. is that a fair statement ?

OP posts:
ivenoideawhatimdoing · 23/03/2018 11:24

I adore my husband with everything in me.

I adore my son even more.

If I could take a bullet for one, I'd take it for my child.

Isn't that part of being a parent?

Underparmummy · 23/03/2018 11:26

Totally different love and completely incomparable.

Weird to even try and compare the two loves.

FluffyWuffy100 · 23/03/2018 11:26

Surely it’s normal to love your kids more than your partner? Natures way of ensuring the protection/survival of children.

Passthecake30 · 23/03/2018 11:26

Exactly what ivenoidea said, and I would hope that dp would feel the same.

fascinated · 23/03/2018 11:26

The saving thing is about them being less able to save themselves

Original poster
Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 11:28

Yes exactly x gosh the responses on here are incredible - I started a thread to see if I had been out of order as i genuinely could not really see it as i thought it was a given - and actually the eloquence of all your posts has made me feel a bit emotional !

OP posts:
Oblomov18 · 23/03/2018 11:28

I don't agree with loving children MORE than Husband. It's not more. It's a different kind of love.

EastMidsMummy · 23/03/2018 11:28

Kimanda reread what the OP says. She never says her husband thinks she should love him more than her kids or put him before them. You are being totally unreasonable.

CaptainCardamom · 23/03/2018 11:28

Osopolar bringing the cats into it as well could perhaps be seen as a bit rude :o

When my relationship with my ex and kids' dad was going wrong, I remember realising I loved the cats more than I loved him, and not only that, they also loved me more than he did!

Cath2907 · 23/03/2018 11:29

Hubby and I have both agreed we love the kid far more than one another. If they both fell off the cliff and I could save only one there is no contest. I'd expect him to do the same. If he saved me rather than DD I'd bloody push him off the cliff!!!!!

He might be a bit offended if I admitted I sneakily love the dog more than him too!

LiquoriceTea · 23/03/2018 11:29

I feel it's normal for me, but I know it wasn't for my dad and some men like him. To him kids were part of the wife's world and when they got dicorced he wasn't that fussed about us.

He'd be truly hurt if a partner said they love their children more than him.

I think for some men the partner truly is the main thing and kids come and go... whereas for me the kids are always my kids but the partner could go one day but I'd never divorce the kids!

ShiftyMcGifty · 23/03/2018 11:29

Also shocked at the amount of people saying OP is wrong. Hope they’re not parents, as there’s just something so wrong to suggest you prioritise your adult partner over your child.

Parental love is unconditional. My love for DH sure as hell comes with some well-defined conditions (such as fidelity).

MrsMozart · 23/03/2018 11:30

Why would you do that?

And that's not just 'say' because you've done something. You've caused hurt and some level of angst.

Gosh. If my DH said that to me I'd feel shit.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/03/2018 11:30

Such insanity. What if you have more than one child and can only save one? The gushy responses on this thread are mawkish for the sake of it.

Yes, a parent will protect their child above all else. Just try not to get jammed into the doorway with the other parent lest you all burn to death in your determination to demonstrate 'best love'.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 11:31

Sorry pressed post too soon - yes love is not necessarily compartmentable...if that is even a word. A PP said that one is conditional and generally matures and grows over time and one is usually gut wrenching and intense and primeval. Interesting.

OP posts:
someonewhowonders · 23/03/2018 11:31

I've said this to my husband. Anyone who thinks I shouldn't is welcome to their opinion but without knowill by the full details of my marriage you wouldn't know why. Curtains, I agree with you.

Trinity66 · 23/03/2018 11:31

Curtains77 I think you did the right thing talking to him about it. It's all very well people saying Oh he's a dickhead for being upset (or words to that effect) the point is he was upset and you listened to him and took his feelings into account and if he'd do the same for you, that sounds like a great relationship imo

stitchglitched · 23/03/2018 11:32

I love my children more than my partner. There is no contest tbh. There are plenty of things he could do which would make me stop loving him, nothing that could make me stop loving my kids. I would be upset if he didn't feel the same way.

SundayGirls · 23/03/2018 11:32

Curtains - prioritising your DC in a fire etc is what you would both do as parents, as both of you would want them to live and not suffer, so that doesn't count as a measure of love. That's protecting your kids.

Love is the ordinary, everyday not just "crisis" WWYD situation. Or at least I imagine that's what your DH thinks of it. If you'd have said "But if DCs and us were in a fire, I would want to help them first" I'm sure he would agree as an equally invested and loving parent and you'd feel the same, if he could help them first over you then he should.

Much different to being told you love the children more than him. Why tell him that in those words? And for all those saying "he's a baba, he should get over himself" - part of a family unit is everyone being loved and respected and invested in equally if differently, because the love you have for a child is different to the romantic and sexual partnership love you have for a spouse/partner. And if his feelings were hurt then OP is well advised to mend it because that's more valuable and useful to the family unit and its happiness than further sticking the boot in and telling him to get over himself. So even if OP does love DCs more than DH, part of the DCs happiness will come from a secure family unit. No need to put holes in that where no holes are needed. Why weaken the bond carelessly? There's enough pressures in life and on relationships anyway without creating them unnecessarily. Family unit is a team.