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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have told DH that i love the children slightly more than him ?

224 replies

Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 10:27

Lightheartedly of course in context however he is a bit taken aback and I can tell he is stewing a bit . I did not mean I don't love him - just differently and perhaps less powerfully to how i love my children. Is this normal ? Am i being out of line here in the way I feel or does everyone feel some degree of this but no-one actually says it ...i am feeling rather guilty now !

OP posts:
Bumpitybumper · 23/03/2018 10:37

DH and I regularly say this to each other. Not just randomly, but for example when discussing who we would save from a burning building first we both agree we would save the kids first and then each other. To be honest I find it quite comforting that he feels this way too as when the chips were down I would want him to prioritise the kids over me. It also gives me great confidence that if I wasn't around anymore he would be a safe pair of hands to leave them with as I know he loves them as much as I do

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 23/03/2018 10:37

I think you were wrong to say it. Just because you think/feel something, you don't always need to say it out loud.
I don't know if everyone feels this. I know that I love my children above everyone else, but my mum once told me that she loved my dad more than me and that if something happened to me she could always have another child but she couldn't replace my dad. That sounds really awful now I've written it down and the thing is I know my mum loves me a lot. She just has no filter. Someone who is less robust than me might have been really hurt by that, so even though she was just being honest, it wasn't a good idea to say it.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 10:38

I promise it was not with nasty intent - like bexley said - the conversation went :- DH - ireally love you more than beer , me : i love you more than chocolate but not more than the kids .. i am not generally in the habit if being nasty but i am quite good at not knowing when to not say something. Case in point.. Sad

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/03/2018 10:38

I’d try and put things right by expanding on it being a different type of love. Your instinct is to protect and nurture your dc. If a bus was coming towards DH I’d push him out of the way. If a bus was coming towards my dc I’d jump in front of it. It doesn’t mean I love DH any less it’s just different.

Don’t forget you’ll be living a lot lot longer with your DH than your dc, so best not to piss him off with the love comparison thing.

Trinity66 · 23/03/2018 10:38

IWannaSeeHowItEnds what a terrible thing to say :/

UpLighter · 23/03/2018 10:39

We have spoken about this and accepted the biology and the way many people are wired.
Man loves woman the most and woman love child most.

Buglife · 23/03/2018 10:40

It’s a kind of unsaid thing between parents really, I know for a fact that while I adore DH I love DS more, and I know he feels the same way. I’m glad he loves DS more than anyone else. It doesn’t really need to be said so much though as there aren’t many situations where you’d be forced to choose. And I prefer to think that we are all inextricably linked as a family and not ranked in any way Grin it’s peobably not great to hear it stated to your face!

TheAntiBoop · 23/03/2018 10:42

Dh and I both acknowledge that we love each other differently to how we love the kids. I'm not a big believer in ranking love tbh

We also both acknowledge that we would throw the other under the bus if it meant saving a child!

I don't think it's a man/woman thing

countycouncil · 23/03/2018 10:43

I have no doubt I love my children way more than I love my husband. It's just a fact. He'd probably be hurt if I said it too often but if he said it to me I'd be like "of course you do, that's what I'd expect".

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 23/03/2018 10:44

Honestly Trinity, she is genuinely a great mum. Nothing is too much trouble, I've always felt totally loved and she is very kind in how she treats people. But I think she was just answering a question without considering how it might sound - she has zero tact. As a family we are always telling her to think about how something will sound before she says it out loud.

EastMidsMummy · 23/03/2018 10:44

I’m sure I’ve read this before: women generally reporting feeling this way (loving kids more than partner) and men reporting feeling something different (loving them the same).

It doesn’t surprise me. Fathers don’t have the same intense physical bond of carrying a baby for nine months.

But it’s not surprising to me that he would be very, very hurt. I bet he thought having kids would strengthen you marriage/relationship. I bet it had never occurred to him that your love for him would be usurped/diminished by having kids.

Imagine how devastating that would be to hear.

user1499333856 · 23/03/2018 10:44

Um? Why did you feel the need to spell it out?

It is a kind of unspoken thing, isn't it? I expect my DH to love the kids more than me. I'd expect him to pull them out of a burning building before me. But, I also wouldn't want him to spell it out. I don't need to hear it.

I imagine it is the same for your DH.

Trinity66 · 23/03/2018 10:45

We also both acknowledge that we would throw the other under the bus if it meant saving a child!

Exactly because you're parents and it's almost inbuilt thing to protect your children above all else. I don't think there's a need to say i love them more than you though ever

Stompythedinosaur · 23/03/2018 10:45

I thought everyone felt this way.

Dp and I have definitely had this discussion and it didn't hurt my feelings. My love for dp is enhanced by the fact he is the only person who loves the dc like I do.

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/03/2018 10:46

I thought it was completely normal to love your dc more than your dh/dp.
I would be a taken aback if dp said any differently or got upset that he was no longer no.1.

I would wonder what would happen to the dc if something happened and your dh remarried if his new wife came first and your dc came 2nd

Original poster
Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 10:46

Ok - the bus analogy is a good one. Reading all your replies has made me realise that my clumsiness in this case has hurt feelings of course and i an currently making him a cuppa to go and try to make amends more eloquently. It's exactly true I love him very very much just differently to mother love. Am going to give it a go and hopefully he will realise u did not mean it that way x

OP posts:
CaptainCardamom · 23/03/2018 10:47

There was an article somewhere years ago (probably the guardian let's be honest) by someone boring on in great detail about how she adored her husband and loved him more than her children. I remember everyone finding it shocking and horrible that she'd written that, as pretty much everyone knows it's not normal, and so did she, the way she'd written it made that clear.

I think someone else wrote a piece in response saying they'd step on their DH's head to rescue their DC if necessary :o

I agree it's not something you need to say to your partner, but having said it, I'd expect him to agree, not have the hump.

Trinity66 · 23/03/2018 10:47

IWannaSeeHowItEnds well she's your mother so I'll take your word on that. It just seems like a terrible thing to say especially saying another child could replace you but another man couldn't replace your dad Shock

Marylou2 · 23/03/2018 10:47

YANBU to love your children more than your husband, I certainly do . YABU to say it out loud Smile

jaseyraex · 23/03/2018 10:47

I don't see the harm in what you said tbh. Doesn't everyone love their kids more than their partner? Or at least in a different way or however you may see it. That's how it should be imo. I'd be more upset if DH didn't love the kids more than me!

MorningsEleven · 23/03/2018 10:48

Love for a partner and love for kids are totally different. I'd chuck DH over the side of a sinking hot air balloon any day to save my kids.

ginnybag · 23/03/2018 10:48

DH and I have both said this, and it is true. I love my DH, and he's been in my life a very long time now, to the point where I genuinely have never been an adult without him, but....

DD is different. A PP said it well: I chose him, we like each other, and I don't think that will change, but there are things we could do that could change that. With DD, I loved her before I met her, she's mine.

I do love her more than him, in both a different, but, yes, a stronger, way. And, not only do I expect that to be true in reverse, I've been completely clear about the fact that it would make me question my relationship with him if it wasn't. He is her father, she is his as much as mine - any man that could place a relationship before his child isn't what I want.

newmumwithquestions · 23/03/2018 10:49

I’ve said this to OH OP! He didn’t take it well. I was genuinely surprised as I thought he felt the same way about the DC as I did. Turns out he didn’t. He loves them, but not as fiercely as I do.

Subtle as a bus me.

Ladybirdbookworm · 23/03/2018 10:49

Push him in the canal really tickled me .
I think the love of your child surpasses everything . When my DD was born I got a shock at the eventual feeling of oerwhelming love .
Don't best yourself up the more you make of it the more he will think it is a big deal

NotUmbongoUnchained · 23/03/2018 10:50

I would very pissed off if my husband didn’t love his children more than me.