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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have told DH that i love the children slightly more than him ?

224 replies

Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 10:27

Lightheartedly of course in context however he is a bit taken aback and I can tell he is stewing a bit . I did not mean I don't love him - just differently and perhaps less powerfully to how i love my children. Is this normal ? Am i being out of line here in the way I feel or does everyone feel some degree of this but no-one actually says it ...i am feeling rather guilty now !

OP posts:
cingolimama · 23/03/2018 11:57

I think it's completely right to prioritise children's lives before your partner, as in any emergency situation. Get to the kids first, absolutely.

However, I don't actually love my DCs more than my DH. Sometimes the kids' needs have priority when they're having a tough time, but not always. I've always felt that it was important to put my marriage first, and that this was, in the long run, best for my DCs too.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 23/03/2018 11:58

A bit taken aback at those saying they would be hurt by this or that this is one of those things left unsaid.

Of course I love my children 'more' - 'more' not being quite the right word, as PP outline. Children come first. Always.

Dh has told me in the past that he loves me more than the dc, and I really, really don't like that, and have told him so. That said, I know he loves them hugely, and that if at any stage (God forbid) my behaviour or state of health etc meant it was better for the dc to be kept away from me, that is exactly what he would do. So despite thinking he loves me 'more', he would always put them first when needed.

kimanda · 23/03/2018 12:01

This always makes me think of Mrs Beste-Chetwynde in Decline and Fall. She would choose a husband over children, as you can always have more.

That is a fucking disturbing thing to say!

I hope this was some kind of weird black comedy!!1

Original poster
Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 12:01

It absolutely simple - and incredibly complex. And different for everyone ...but at least I don't feel like a weirdo - I used the word 'more ' when perhaps I should have used a better word.

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 12:02

And not been so flippant. Sorry thinking whilst posting...!

OP posts:
M2321 · 23/03/2018 12:04

You have done nothing wrong don't feel guilty at all. As son as I had my first kid I never felt love like it, that's way it should be. I love my partner also but never anywhere close to love for my babies.
It's called a mothers love ❤️❤️❤️💐💐 don't feel bad at all xxx👍🏼

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 23/03/2018 12:05

DH - i really love you more than beer , me : i love you more than chocolate but not more than the kids

Drat, now I'm trying to work out if I love dh more than chocolate. Would I stick with dh if it meant giving up chocolate for ever? Grin I mean, hell, I would die for him (if the kids didn't need me more) but chocolate ...

Original poster
Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 12:07

Jelly - yup. It's a minefield. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 12:08

M2321- thank u xxx Flowers

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/03/2018 12:09

A couple of posters have mentioned loving their dc “unconditionally”. Even if horrendous. I’m not actually sure how I feel about this. Yes if you hate tattoos and they are covered in them, or their bone idle etc. That would be easy. But what if they do something horrific? Mutilate animals , gauge horses eyes out, or kill or rape. I pray I’ll never know whether love world conquer the natural revulsion.

FreshTart · 23/03/2018 12:12

My FIL fell out with me when this came up in conversation years ago. He told me how I should always be putting my partner (his son) first as we were a couple before any children came along. I told him not to be so silly and my children would always come first, and be loved unconditionally. And his son turned out to be a Grade A pillock so I was right to feel like that :)

clarabellski · 23/03/2018 12:12

The love I have for my DS and DH is totally different. Don't think they can be compared.

Actually the love I have for DS is a very hard love - the crushing responsibility of it is overwhelming sometimes. And he is only 2! I can't imagine what parents of murderers/rapists/'bad' people go through and hope I never have to.

diddl · 23/03/2018 12:12

I don't think that you said anything wrong either, Op.

He doesn't need to be stewing over that!

He said he loves you more than beer-you responded in kind.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 23/03/2018 12:13

I wouldn’t love my children unconditionally if they were violent criminals/serial killers. Tattoos I can live with Grin

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 23/03/2018 12:17

Tattoos are my personal experience with ds1 Grin. Really bloody hate the things. Still love him though.

Bythebeach · 23/03/2018 12:17

Haven't read full thread....but this seems absolutely normal to me. I love my husband and often enjoy being with him more than the kids... but ......maternal love!! I love the kids in a primeval, visceral way that nothing else could ever match. DH knows this - and is definitely not hurt by it! I have no doubt my parents felt this way too.

LanguidLobster · 23/03/2018 12:17

Curtains I would have thought that (usually) went without saying. Although you did say Grin.

It wasn't anything really offensive and at another level I'm sure he feels the same way, speak to him about it.

Inthedeepdarkwinter · 23/03/2018 12:22

I just don't feel like they are the same type of love. I really don't go around comparing them.

I love my children. I'm not sure it's unconditional, if one of them turned out to be a mass murderer, I'm sure I'd visit them in prison but I think it could diminish my feelings about them in some way. I adore them but don't always like them.

I love my husband differently, there's a deeper connection at times, because it's more adult and romantic as well. He 'gets' me in a way the children won't because they are children and it's not your job to 'get' your mum and her way of being.

The burning building issue isn't really about love in that sense, I would always protect and prioritize my kids, even as adolescents or adults, as they depend on me, are less life-aware and I instinctively would do anything to preserve that. It's a measure of my love for him that I would know he'd do the right thing in that situation.

BoredOnMatLeave · 23/03/2018 12:22

It really wouldn't bother me if DP said he loves DD more than me, he should love her more than anyone. Of course we love each other deeply, but we would both pick DD, I can't get offended by that to be honest.

PrettyLittIeThing · 23/03/2018 12:25

This is a strange thread. I wonder if all the people claiming not to love their children more would feel the same if they broke up with their partners, partners/husbands come and go. Your kids will always be your kids. Weird.

bobstersmum · 23/03/2018 12:25

This is a strange one, my dh has always said he loves me more than the dc, he says because he loved me first! I do not like the fact that he feels this way as I think the dc, as they are totally dependent and reliant on us for everything, should be loved more? I love my children more than anything in the world in that I know I would die for them without hesitation, I would walk through flames to save their lives with no question, I love my dh totally as well, but that sort of feeling is different in that he's able to look after himself, he's not reliant on me! I don't know if this makes any sense, maybe to some. I love my dh more than any other adult human being, he's my soul mate, but the love I have for the dc (our dc that we made together) is just overwhelming. Imo that's the way it should be. I don't love my dh less than I did before the dc came along, probably more if anything!

MrsDilber · 23/03/2018 12:27

I've been with DH 33 years, we have a great relationship and he knows our kids are top of the list.

He recently said, in a nutshell, that he loved me more than anyone, I told him, if the house is on fire, you get the kids out first and I repeated it.

We've lost a 5 year old DD, life stopped for me that day and I'd have switched us both to have changed that if I could. YANBU.

Whatififall · 23/03/2018 12:28

It’s two very different kinds of love though.
I love DD wholly more than anyone or anything. Since she was born she has been, and will continue to be, my number 1 priority.
This used to infuriate exh as he wanted to be the centre of my world and he couldn’t understand that while I loved him, I loved DD more but in an inherently different way. He was a controlling EA man-child though. I’d expect a reasonable partner to understand.

shoelaces · 23/03/2018 12:29

I've said this myself.

My love for DS is unconditional and all consuming. I love him even though he sits on my knee and trumps deliberately.

My love for DH is conditional - that he treats me with respect, doesn't cheat on me and so on. He most definitely cannot trump on my knee, or even in the same room!

He gets it and agrees.

CatsCatsCats11 · 23/03/2018 12:30

I'd be upset if my DH loved me more than the DCs ....