AIBU to have told DH that i love the children slightly more than him ?

[Curtains77]

Lightheartedly of course in context however he is a bit taken aback and I can tell he is stewing a bit . I did not mean I don't love him - just differently and perhaps less powerfully to how i love my children. Is this normal ? Am i being out of line here in the way I feel or does everyone feel some degree of this but no-one actually says it ...i am feeling rather guilty now !

it's because they are vulnerable and our children and they would struggle to help themselves. Both DH and I would want the other to save the children first.

Children aren't always more vulnerable though. It depends on their age. I don't think the urge to save an older teenager over a DH would be any less but they may actually be less vulnerable.

This is one of those things that, even if you feel it, shouldn't be said. It can be incredibly damaging and hurtful. I think that you've been insensitive TBH. The foundation of happy family life is happy parents. When those children are grown up and flown the nest, you'll be left with each other. I'd maybe speak to him, say that you expressed yourself wrong, and point out that having children together has only made you appreciate and love him more.

What nonsense. Every grown adult knows people love their kids the most. What fucking snowflake is going to be damaged by that revelation. How incredibly unattractive.

OP, I love my DP but I would push him in front of an oncoming truck if it meant I could save my DD from that fate and I’d expect him to do the same to me. I don’t understand who doesn’t have that attitude tbh.

Both DH and I have said this to each other. Given as we are neither hurt nor damaged, its not a big deal to us.

The night we brought our newborn son home from hospital my husband said to me 'It's amazing, I already love him more than I love you'. I know it's true, and obviously I felt the same but it hurt to hear it, just because it's so needless since it's one of those unspoken things. It was completely out of the blue so stung a bit especially when I'd just given birth and was feeling pretty vulnerable!

Kerala- that's so true down my dada side if the family . Men love the wife, wife loves the children and that's seen as the natural order of things. Men are a little distant and for really fussed by the children as they'll leave home anyway...

I know it's unusual now but I don't think it was uncommon a generation to so ago in posh circles. They all sent the kdis to board and the wives dealt with them. They were very loved but for my dad and grandad it was definitely the wife they loved more!

What nonsense. Every grown adult knows people love their kids the most. What fucking snowflake is going to be damaged by that revelation. How incredibly unattractive.

^
This!

I can see how it might possibly be a little disconcerting to be told this, but come on, anyone who gets upset or angry at being told this is really rather pathetic. I value my children’s lives more than my own. I expect my DP to do the same... in fact I know that to be the case.

Why on earth would anyone be upset by this, the love you have for your children is unconditional, the love you have for your partner is not, it's a completely different kind of love and yes the love for dc is stronger.

@Curtains77 both DH and I know that we each love DD more than we love each other. It’s just normal to us and tbh if I thought he didn’t love her more I’d lose respect for him. He should love her more imo.

Loving a child is unconditional.
Loving my DH is very much conditional.

If DH sulked because I joked about something that should absolutely be that way, I’d lose respect for him even more. Likewise I’m not offended in the slightest to know he loves DD more than me. Too right he should.

It's different love, not lesser love. My love for my DH is conditional Ie I expect him not to cheat, to treat me with respect.

My love for my children is unconditional. I would love my DC to my last breath even if it was they plunging in the knife.

I think you have been quite mean to your DH. why woild you even say that? what on earth brought it up?

Agree on loving children in a completely unconditional way. Even if they murdered someone I’d be first in line to visit them in prison.
All DP would need to do is get drunk and shag a woman from work and I’d be packing my bag. I’d be devastated for the rest of my life but I wouldn’t be there for him in the way I would my kids.

I'm surprised at some of these responses. I definitely kove the kids more than DH and would feel upset if he didn't love them more than me! We have mentioned this to each other many times - neither in a deep conversation, nor during banter. Just in a matter-of-fact way.

I'm surprised that your DH is shocked or offended by this TBH. I think you have done nothing wrong.

I think most people are kidding themselves if they think their husband loves the children more than them. Why is it then that when people split up it’s so common for fathers to hardly see their children?

I disagree... I think such a man still loves his children more than his partner, just not as much as she loves her children.
He just loves his partner even less!

In such a situation, the man clearly doesn’t really love his partner much at all if he’s gone off with another woman!

I am in the ‘why on earth would you take offence at this’ camp. And also I would think less of DH after this.
DH certainly loves the kids way more than he loves me (and we have a solid 15 year relationship). And the same applies to me.
Maybe you can’t compare love. But if you could it would be a no-contest.

I cannot even fathom being upset at this. Even if DH told me this I’d say ‘ yeah of course you numpty. Of course you love them more.’ And move on.
Why is this some deep unsaid secret? How bizarre.

It wasn't a good time to say it, when you were being affectionate to each other, but his hurt at it was a massive overreaction without a doubt.

I can't believe a grown man is sulking and acting like a wounded puppy over something which is so normal. And as for those pandering to his right to be 'hurt' it's as though we've stepped back into the 50's. I obviously need to read my 'how to be a good wife' manual again

I would be disgusted if my partner loved me more than he loved our child.

I mean, I'm someone who has low self esteem and can be hurt by things people say, but I can't for the life of me see why the DH is upset about this.

I love my kids more than my partner. They are my priority over everything when it comes down to the bare bones of it. I don't neglect my partner in any way or prioritise the kids daily but if I was being utterly truthful that would be my answer.

I don't understand why that would be a problem. Surely an adult can understand a mother lives her children more than anything?

Surely everyone loves their children slightly more than their partner? I mean if you could only save your child or your partner from falling off a cliff, you'd choose you're children right?

DP knows this. I know he loves our daughter a bit more than me. That's how it should be.

I also agree that loving my children is unconditional love, whereas loving my partner comes with conditions.

I'm another one who loves her DC more than her DH (whom I love very much).

He feels the same as me! Loves them more than me. It's not anything to get upset over.
He is a fab father & husband, and I tell him that too.

I was the same when the kids were little.
But I have found now the kids have grown up and moved out the balance is readdressed and I love them all as strongly.
In different ways.