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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to have told DH that i love the children slightly more than him ?

224 replies

Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 10:27

Lightheartedly of course in context however he is a bit taken aback and I can tell he is stewing a bit . I did not mean I don't love him - just differently and perhaps less powerfully to how i love my children. Is this normal ? Am i being out of line here in the way I feel or does everyone feel some degree of this but no-one actually says it ...i am feeling rather guilty now !

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 23/03/2018 11:33

I think you said this to deliberately wind your husband up.

Helmetbymidnight · 23/03/2018 11:34

Its one of those things best left unsaid. Grin

Now if you'd said, I love the guy at work slightly more than I love you, then there'd be something to worry about.

Oliversmumsarmy · 23/03/2018 11:36

Why would it wind up her dh. Loving your dc more than their father is normal. I would be more worried with the dh if he couldn't see this.

PoorYorick · 23/03/2018 11:39

I just assumed that everyone loved their kids more than their partner or their parents. I love our son more, and so does my husband. If I had to save just one of them I'd save our son, and so would he.

That's as it should be.

Helmetbymidnight · 23/03/2018 11:42

I don't think the 'who would you save in a crisis' is any measure of love though and I'm always surprised that it is given.

In a terrible situation, I would try and save children anywhere, (I hope), that doesn't mean I 'love' them more than my own children or the adults I love.

Original poster
Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 11:43

Like I say - we are opposites - me the bull, he the sensitive. We joke that i am a bit of the bloke in the marriage in some respects. He was hurt by something I did , i think i have reassured him x thanks trinity and someone - yes relationships are complex. Conditional and unconditional . He is no saint and not am I of course. This is one incident and there is no point tit for tatting and it's petty. Reflect , learn and move on - that's what both of us try to do.

OP posts:
midsomermurderess · 23/03/2018 11:43

This always makes me think of Mrs Beste-Chetwynde in Decline and Fall. She would choose a husband over children, as you can always have more.

PoorYorick · 23/03/2018 11:45

I don't think the 'who would you save in a crisis' is any measure of love though and I'm always surprised that it is given.

Well it's a thought experiment. But it's a good one for this issue because it crystallises clearly in my head that yes, I love my son more than my husband and more than my own life, and he feels the same.

Obviously if you could save everyone you would, but the purpose of thought experiments is to clarify how you really feel about something.

PoorYorick · 23/03/2018 11:45

She would choose a husband over children, as you can always have more.

Women can always have more kids?

Original poster
Curtains77 · 23/03/2018 11:48

I certainly did not say it to wind him up - why on earth would I do that ? I hate confrontation in every sense and every way. And Sunday - great point - the fanily unit is reliant on everyone feeling loved, respected and valued. When one person does not feel that , the family slips. We are all human though, and i feel I overstepped the mark. MN always helps with perspective.

OP posts:
TheWeatherGirl1 · 23/03/2018 11:48

I'm confused by this.
Of course you love your kids more.
It's a different, more primal love than one you feel for a partner, surely? I feel like that's a given.

I love my son more than my husband, and I bloody hope he loves him more than he loves me. I'd be shocked if he didn't.
If a speeding bullet comes flying towards me and my baby, my husband had better make the split second decision to throw his body over my boy or we'll be having words.

Avasarala · 23/03/2018 11:50

I don't think it's a "more or less" situation. It's different kinds of love. Romantic love for your husband and then parental love for your children. They're different.
I'd think parental love is stronger but that doesn't diminish love for a partner. It's one of those things we all know, but it doesn't need to be said. You'd throw yourself infront of a train to save your kids but you may or may not do that for your husband. Doesn't mean you love him less - it's just different.

If he's really hurt and acting funny, have a wee chat and reassure him that there's nothing to worry about. But the feeling a for your kids are instinct and there from when they first draw breath (in most cases) - the feelings for your husband have developed. Not less, just different.

WorkingBling · 23/03/2018 11:50

Well actually, DH and I are pretty clear with each other that we love each other differently to how we love the children. But that, certainly at this point in the DC's lives, they come first for both of us and that if either of us had to make a choice, we'd choose the kids. And we'd expect the other one to do the same. I don't take that personally. I think it's the nature of the fact that not only do I adore the DC, but I'm also very conscious that their need for me is so different to DH's need for me. And vice versa.

PoorYorick · 23/03/2018 11:51

Hit send too soon...I would say that even past her childbearing years, a woman can still always marry even if she can't have any more kids. What a strange thought process.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 23/03/2018 11:53

This is one of those things it's best not to discuss! However, too late for that, so you need to repair the damage.

I've always thought that although I love my DH very much, I do think that possibly/probably there are other men elsewhere in the world that I could also fall in love with and have a happy life.

However, my kids are my kids and even if I had ten of them they could never be replaced.

WorkingBling · 23/03/2018 11:53

I think the saving DC from a speeding train example is a little extreme. But a less extreme version is that even though I love DH passionately, I'd walk away in a heartbeat if I thought he was in some way bad for our children. I'll prioritise the DCs feelings (at this age) over his every time. And I'd expect him to do the same. I think that will change as they get older and the love will become more equal (outside of course of the fact that we'd both save the children over each other in cases of speeding trains Grin).

EastMidsMummy · 23/03/2018 11:54

The OP has dealt with the situation beautifully, by talking through what this means to her with her husband.

I think some of the rest of you are insensitive and mean, for example:

I love my son more than my husband, and I bloody hope he loves him more than he loves me. I'd be shocked if he didn't.

As I understand it, it’s quite common for mums to say they love their kids more than their partners and for dads to say they love them all the same and couldn’t possibly choose. It’s silly to assume we’re all the same and mean to suggest if your husband loves you as much as he loves his kids he’s somehow letting you ( or them) down!

NotASingleDamnBiroInTheHouse · 23/03/2018 11:55

I always thought it was a given Confused

I love the children more than DH and I am pretty certain he loves them more than he loves me.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

Oblomov18 · 23/03/2018 11:55

"Loving your dc more than their father is normal. "

I don't agree. I don't think it's normal.

ichifanny · 23/03/2018 11:55

I love my husband but my love for our children is much more instense and a different deeper kind of love , I’m sure he feels he same way in fact I’d be shocked if he didn’t .

villamariavintrapp · 23/03/2018 11:56

I love our children more than I love my husband. He loves them more than he loves me. Of course. I'd be very disappointed in him if he didn't.

maddiemookins16mum · 23/03/2018 11:57

I certainly don't think I should love my DD more than my DH (and I don't), I just love her differently is all.

BlurryFace · 23/03/2018 11:57

I feel a bit sad for your DH. DH and I agree we love each other as much as the kids, but in a different way - we don't have the same duty to one another as we do to the children.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/03/2018 11:57

Where would YOU be then in the speeding bullet scenario, TheWeatherGirl

I love my son more than my husband, and I bloody hope he loves him more than he loves me. I'd be shocked if he didn't. If a speeding bullet comes flying towards me and my baby, my husband had better make the split second decision to throw his body over my boy or we'll be having words.

Not covering HIS boy with your body then, hmm? Perhaps he should be having words with you.

It just shows how ridiculous this is.

NotASingleDamnBiroInTheHouse · 23/03/2018 11:57

It's conditional love you have for your spouse isn't it?

If DH cheated on me, or hurt me or the children, or committed a terrible crime, then I would stop loving him.

I feel like there's nothing in the world my children could do to make me stop loving them. Even if it was horrendous.