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AIBU?

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Original poster

Why didn't he pay attention to the scan?

215 replies

hellothere27 · 17/03/2018 10:51

So yesterday I had my 20 week scan (I'm 24 weeks but due to mess around with midwives I only had it yesterday). Partners ex kicked off saying how we haven't involved his two girls in the scans and she took them to every scan with her.

So he asked them if they want to come and low and behold the second we're in there the kids are messing about, eating crisps, lying all over the chairs saying how bored they are, reading books (youngest can't read so she's asking her dad to read all the words) and he was. I was so embarrassed and so annoyed that he never told them to behave!

AIBU to be pissed off that he would rather read Biff and Chip than just focus for the 20 minutes we had to see our baby and check everything is ok with her? They crave his attention quite a lot, he usually holds my hand with scans, no biggy but it makes us feel close, and he had no interested in this one because the his children were there.

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 17/03/2018 10:53

Well personally I wouldn't have had the kids there but he could hardly ignore them for 20 mins could he?

PrettyLittIeThing · 17/03/2018 10:53

When I took my ex he was looking at his phone playing games!

LimonViola · 17/03/2018 10:54

Sounds like he just had his hands full with the kids.

He didn't try and discipline them or get them to behave at all? That would put me off as a potential father for my kids (though it's a bit late now). What's he normally like with them?

LimonViola · 17/03/2018 10:55

Plus you should have just put your foot down. And not allowed his ex to dictate your scan.

The 20 week scan is an important one to check for any abnormalities. It can turn distressing very quickly and it's not ideal to have young children in there until you know everything is fine!

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 17/03/2018 10:56

I assume this is your first baby? He has been through this twice before and maybe thought it was more important to try and calm his two down. Probably not helped that you are hormonal but you can see he’s a dedicated father and in the bigger picture of being a parent one scan is irrelevant.

Cockadoodie · 17/03/2018 10:57

I think you are justified in feeling upset however I think your partner was caught between a rock and a hard place.imagine the behaviour of the kids had your partner not being paying attention to them.youve said he normally holds your hand etc so it doesn't seem he's inattentive constantly,I know it's upsetting and frustrating because it is a monumental moment but it seems like the one who needs blaming is the ex who insisted on the children going.how can you expect small kids to appreciate a scan? Simply showing them the pics would also be including them in the process. You're right to be upset as it was a special moment overtaken by all the chaos going on around you but I'm just not sure the partner is totally to blame.

Lifeisabeach09 · 17/03/2018 10:57

Sounds like he didn't have a choice and had to entertain/distract the girls. How is he supposed to give the scan 20 minutes of his attention with the kids playing up?
You are BU.

Flockoftreegulls · 17/03/2018 10:58

Don't understand why you took the kids in with you. Hard for him to pay attention when he is trying to keep them in order

WhiskyTangoFoxtrot · 17/03/2018 10:59

I don't think that DC should be brought along to scans, becuSe of the possibility you will be about to receive the news that something is wrong (possibly very wrong)

You should have stood your ground and refused to have children - any children - present at your medical appointment. It's not a family event, and it was wholly predictable that your DH would end up child-wrangling (because there would be no-one else to do it)

She could hardly have suggested something more awkward and disruptive if she's been trying.

Your DH's conduct at the scan was fine, because he was doing what had to be dine by that point. Not telling his XP to bugger off that's an appalling idea and we're having none of it, is the actual problem.

Stickerrocks · 17/03/2018 10:59

Not quite sure why you partner's ex is dictating who should & shouldn't attend your medical procedure. As others have said, as scan isn't a social event, it's a health check. I actually think he was right to distract the 2 children, but they shouldn't have been there in the first place.

Stayandfight · 17/03/2018 10:59

Children shouldn't be allowed in scans.

As I've said on other threads sometimes the news from the scan is distressing. Children should not be present.

Ijustwantabloodyusername · 17/03/2018 11:00

Why on earth did the ex want the kids there?!

A scan can show some negatives as well as positives. I wouldn't have thought it was a suitable place for the DC to be.

As for their behaviour...... maybe it was encouraged by their Mum, or not, but their Dad should really be dealing with it as it arises.

Jellycatspyjamas · 17/03/2018 11:01

How old are the kids? I think it’s a tall ask for children to sit quietly for 20 minutes while the grown ups attend to medical stuff.

Starlighter · 17/03/2018 11:01

I think it’s really inappropriate to take children to a scan!

It’s for medical reasons and it must’ve been really distracting for the midwife to do her job.

I thought that children weren’t allowed in scans now anyway?!

There are better ways for him to include his children, such as going shopping for the baby, taking them on a day out, etc.

NataliaOsipova · 17/03/2018 11:01

Completely agree with Whisky. Kids shouldn't have been there; as they were, your DH didn't have a lot of choice....

LimonViola · 17/03/2018 11:01

but it seems like the one who needs blaming is the ex who insisted on the children going.how can you expect small kids to appreciate a scan?

No, the ex isn't to blame at all. She doesn't have the power to force OP to take the kids with her. That's on her partner. Ex made a request and he could choose whether to agree to taking the kids or not.

Let's not act like her DP is lacking in agency here, he's a grown man not a puppet controlled by his ex!

Snowysky20009 · 17/03/2018 11:01

Is this your first baby together? Maybe because he's been through it a few times already, it's a case of 'already seen it', so it wasn't as special for him as it was for you?

RunMummyRun68 · 17/03/2018 11:02

I think the ex knew the kids would disrupt the whole thing......she got her way

GoldenHefalump · 17/03/2018 11:03

Stupid of you both to choose to take two kids with you.

Yabu as he's not done anything 'wrong' any more than you - he had to focus on the kids you both chose to take.

Personally I feel kids should be banned from ALL NHS scans - it's a medical appointment with a high enough chance that you'll be getting bad news with no warning to warrant it unsuitable for dc.

JacksGirl123 · 17/03/2018 11:03

Children shouldn't be at scans IMO, especially if the Mother doesn't want them to. You need to get used to your DC sharing his attention though. She'll just be 1 of 3 for him.

NapQueen · 17/03/2018 11:04

Kids definetly shouldnt have been there. Was it his usual contact time?

PrettyLittIeThing · 17/03/2018 11:05

Children are allowed in scans I took mine as I didn't have any child care at the time. It was fine, sonographer didn't mind.

However as there was an alternative for child care for the op it would have been better not to have taken then.

Jellycatspyjamas · 17/03/2018 11:05

In answer to your question though, he didn’t pay attention to the scan because he had (wha sounds like) small children there who needed his attention more in that moment. The kids were being kids, not purposely trying to spoil it for you.

WopYa · 17/03/2018 11:07

Your dp should grow some balls and learn to say no to his ex.

FloatyFlo · 17/03/2018 11:07

They don't allow children in the scan rooms at my local hospital.

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