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AIBU?

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Original poster

Why didn't he pay attention to the scan?

215 replies

hellothere27 · 17/03/2018 10:51

So yesterday I had my 20 week scan (I'm 24 weeks but due to mess around with midwives I only had it yesterday). Partners ex kicked off saying how we haven't involved his two girls in the scans and she took them to every scan with her.

So he asked them if they want to come and low and behold the second we're in there the kids are messing about, eating crisps, lying all over the chairs saying how bored they are, reading books (youngest can't read so she's asking her dad to read all the words) and he was. I was so embarrassed and so annoyed that he never told them to behave!

AIBU to be pissed off that he would rather read Biff and Chip than just focus for the 20 minutes we had to see our baby and check everything is ok with her? They crave his attention quite a lot, he usually holds my hand with scans, no biggy but it makes us feel close, and he had no interested in this one because the his children were there.

OP posts:
CountessOfStrathearn · 17/03/2018 12:23

"I did laugh when I read your "I was so embarrassed and so annoyed that he never told them to behave" - sounds like they were just being kids. Wouldn't hurt you to try and be nicer to them... and it might help to set your expectations about what kids are like for when your own one arrives."

How patronising to the OP, Playdohnut!

I'm expecting my 6th so I'm pretty familiar with how children behave and I would be embarrassed and furious if my DH didn't get the children (who wouldn't be there in the first place - I've had plenty of scans on my own) to behave.

AnnieanoniMouse · 17/03/2018 12:25

She doesn’t get to say ‘If you don’t take them to the scan you can’t have them this weekend’.

If she’s going to start this, then go to court to get it sorted formally.

It doesn’t matter what she chose to do when she was pregnant or does in the future. You don’t have to do the same. In this case, your body, your baby, your scan, your decision.

You need to have words with your DP & tell him to get his act together. There’s a difference between putting his children first and putting his ex first and best he gets that sorted FAST. Very soon he’s going to have 3 DC. 3 equal DC, not 2 1st class DC & one 2nd class DC.

4 & 6 is plenty old enough to sit still & quiet for 20mins, they had books etc. If he’s not going to tell them, you tell them. You’re an adult, you’re allowed to act like one! If he doesn’t like it, then he needs to tell them before it gets to the point where you need to.

swivelchair · 17/03/2018 12:27

The kids shouldn't be at scans for fun. Yes, sometimes kids will be at scans because the mother has no other childcare (happened to me) - but it's a medical test, not a family outing.

Once they were there though, of course he had to look after them

DiegoMadonna · 17/03/2018 12:27

Not quite sure why you partner's ex is dictating who should & shouldn't attend your medical procedure

Right? WTF? Why would you care that his ex was "kicking off"? It's nothing to do with her. Just ignore her.

RebelRogue · 17/03/2018 12:27

Would've your partner stayed at home to look after them if you didn't take them?

19lottie82 · 17/03/2018 12:32

He never stands up to her it's a joke

Yes, but you didn’t stand up to him here?
I’m not trying to be nasty, but really? You should have put your foot down here.

TheBrilliantMistake · 17/03/2018 12:33

The scenario sounds to me like he took a decision to try and entertain the kids so that you could get on with the serious stuff. It's what I would have done too.
I wouldn't see that as a lack of interest, merely foregoing his own interest to make sure your interests were best met.

LongWavyHair · 17/03/2018 12:40

He shouldn't have pandered to his ex. YOUR pregnancy not hers. I had my 12 week scan yesterday and it didn't even occur to me to bring my children along with me, biological or step. I didn't realise by not taking them it is leaving them out Hmm

Coconutspongexo · 17/03/2018 12:40

The children shouldn’t have went to the scan - it’s a medical scan not entertainment you should have booked a private scan to involve his children. Or he could have told his ex that the children shouldn’t be attending scans!

He couldn’t really pay attention the scan when they children had to be entertained - if I was scanning I probably would have asked can the children leave the room with your partner - it’s really distracting

viques · 17/03/2018 12:41

Technically of course his ex didn't actually take both children to her scans, she took one child in utero who presumably behaved beautifully, and then at a later date she took another child in utero and ONE child.

swingofthings · 17/03/2018 12:41

Sounds like another 'I didn't get full attention from my OH because of his kids, it's the ex's fault' thread.

I'm always amazed how people seem to know everything their partner's ex say or think!

CompleteAisling · 17/03/2018 12:42

Why are you having a baby with someone who is an ineffectual father to the children he already has?

SnibbleAgain · 17/03/2018 12:44

So you wanted them for the weekend, but not at the scan, so what, you wanted to take them back to her to look after for the scan and then pick them up again? I'm a bit confused. If that was the case I'm not surprised she said no.

At 6 and 4 while some kids might sit still, I personally wouldn't have risked it and also wouldn't have wanted to be distracted while listening to sonographer, or have them distracted. Your partner was there, his daughters are still pretty young IMO, he should have taken them to the shop or the cafe or entertained them outside.

These kids are part of your family, I get this is your first pregnancy BUT when you have them for the weekend you need to do what any other family would do which is not bring them in / take them out as soon as they started wriggling. To say they demand his attention - what do you expect? They are his kids, they are young, of course they want his attention.

LimonViola · 17/03/2018 12:44

CompleteAisling I tried to raise this (a little less bluntly) on the first page but OP chose to ignore it...

JacksGirl123 · 17/03/2018 12:45

viques - ex has just had a baby so did take two kids to scans by the sound of it.

WineIsMyMainVice · 17/03/2018 12:46

This must have been frustrating for you op - but he has responsibilities to those children too and always will have. He couldn’t just ignore them. You maybe need to get used to this idea, as it will always be the case. He should have told them off though.

lifechangesforever · 17/03/2018 12:47

I'm surprised they were allowed in anyway. At our hospital, children aren't allowed to the scans as they can potentially be giving you bad news and the sonographer needs to concentrate.

Last time I was there a couple took their child and they told them the dad would have to stay outside with the child so they were very strict about it.

I think he was probably embarrassed too and trying to keep them quiet, rather than intentionally not paying attention.

SpringEquinox · 17/03/2018 12:48

When did it become a normal thing for children to attend a medical examination? It's not an entertainment. ( I am not condemning genuinely unavoidable childcare issues )

CompleteAisling · 17/03/2018 12:49

It's not a normal thing. It's not even allowed by most hospitals.

scaevola · 17/03/2018 12:49

There have been quite a lot of threads about Dc at scans on MN over the years. And the consensus always comes down to 'don't take them unless you really have no alternative whatsoever' (especially for the main anomaly scan) and that is irrespective of family set up.

Hospitals can sometimes provide baby sitting if you contact their volunteer support office (same people as those who volunteer to drive people to appointments and help out with all sorts of stuff) but you need to book them in advance and it does rather depend on their being a suitable volunteer available at the time you have need. But sitting with DC in a public waiting area is something they can do (in some trusts, at least).

It might be worthwhile getting to know a baby sitter or two, who could perhaps cover a few hours here and there, because you never know when you might have a need for someone else to step in.

The XP does seem to know a lot about your family life. As you are discovering, this is a double edged sword.

gamerwidow · 17/03/2018 12:52

It is not appropriate to bring kids to an abnormally scan unless you have absolutely no choice because of childcare. It’s not a day out it’s to see if there are major physical defects, what would have done if there was bad news with the kids there? If you want a family bonding session with the new baby book a private 4d scan or similar.

Twogoround · 17/03/2018 12:52

So it your time to have the kids but instead of getting childcare you wanted the birth mum to have the kids .
You are rich enough for private scan but not for a babysiter.

RLOU88 · 17/03/2018 12:53

Inappropriate in my opinion to take children. The 20 week scan (24 weeks in your case) is the most important of them all and is purely for medical reasons to check everything is ok with baby. Not entertaining for kids and you shouldn’t have been made to feel as though you had to take them.

Collywobbles1984 · 17/03/2018 12:53

Our hospital wouldn't even allow kids into scans. Our then 12 year old DD was only allowed in because DH worked in A and E so pulled some strings. So the ex ranting at your partner over this seems ridiculous, and your partner needs to grow some balls! If she's like this now, she's only going to get worse once baby comes along, IF he lets her.

Original poster
hellothere27 · 17/03/2018 13:00

swingofthings you comment on a few of my threads and are equally irritating on each of them.

Yes I do know everything the ex says because it's me who gets all the abuse! DP lost his phone at work in the middle of the week so it's me who gets all the texts and all communication goes off my phone

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