Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why didn't he pay attention to the scan?

215 replies

hellothere27 · 17/03/2018 10:51

So yesterday I had my 20 week scan (I'm 24 weeks but due to mess around with midwives I only had it yesterday). Partners ex kicked off saying how we haven't involved his two girls in the scans and she took them to every scan with her.

So he asked them if they want to come and low and behold the second we're in there the kids are messing about, eating crisps, lying all over the chairs saying how bored they are, reading books (youngest can't read so she's asking her dad to read all the words) and he was. I was so embarrassed and so annoyed that he never told them to behave!

AIBU to be pissed off that he would rather read Biff and Chip than just focus for the 20 minutes we had to see our baby and check everything is ok with her? They crave his attention quite a lot, he usually holds my hand with scans, no biggy but it makes us feel close, and he had no interested in this one because the his children were there.

OP posts:
kittensinmydinner1 · 17/03/2018 15:10

To all those saying 'well you should have told her NO.' Or 'your DP should have told her No' have obviously no understanding of Mother's who hold the kids ransom to their demands !.
This is extremely common. It needs to be nipped in the bud the first time it raises its ugly head. Using your children to dictate how an ex partner runs his life is abhorrent.

Beware, the scan scenario will be the tip of the iceberg if you don't deal with it now.
Get your DP to go to court for a CAO. It costs £215. You don't need a lawyer. As she already accepts that he is a competent parent, as she allows visits at the moment. Then it I'll be straightforward. If she raises objections then the court will ask why she has allowed current contact and it will only backfire and be seen as deliberately obstructive.

Do it now, and stick to the letter of the contact awarded, to give the children the consistency they need with their father , you and their new sibling. But NEVER AGAIN be held hostage to something such as the scan episode that was in no one's best interest. Not you, the baby, your DP or the children. - the only one that benefited was his ex, who no doubt is pleased that it was a nightmare for all concerned.

CompleteAisling · 17/03/2018 15:12

To all those saying 'well you should have told her NO.' Or 'your DP should have told her No' have obviously no understanding of Mother's who hold the kids ransom to their demands

Maybe OP shouldn't have told her about the scan in the first place? Problem solved!

YellowMakesMeSmile · 17/03/2018 15:16

With our without the children he wasn't ever going to be paying much attention. You know he doesn't want the baby, does take any interest so why would the scan be any different ? Were you hoping it would be all hearts and flowers?

Justdontknow4321 · 17/03/2018 15:19

Sounds like another 'I didn't get full attention from my OH because of his kids, it's the ex's fault' thread.

This!
I presume he’s already been to two of these scans before with his kids he already had, I’m sure he wasn’t going to find it as fascinating as you. He was looking after his actual children that were in the room which is more important then staring at the screen.

JaneEyre70 · 17/03/2018 15:25

I think you need a reality check here. He's already got children, so none of this is going to be new or exciting - he's done it all before. He had his kids there, so was always going to be paying attention to them and not you/the baby. It was in hindsight a silly thing to have agreed to; and come hell or high water, I'd say No to the children attending any future appointments with you. But his attention is always going to be split - it's the reality of a man who has children already. And I mean that kindly. His ex has no place in dictating who attends your scans!

FlippingFoal · 17/03/2018 15:26

Some posters on this thread are making frankly disgusting comments

RebelRogue · 17/03/2018 15:31

@YellowMakesMeSmile you seem to know more than everyone else ...

user1485778793 · 17/03/2018 15:32

Absolutely no way should they have been there. 20 week scan is where major issues can be picked up. I had this at mine and lost our baby. I couldn't imagine having kids in there. I'm surprised they were allowed. We were only allowed 1 person. My mum had to wait outside even before they knew baby was very ill.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/03/2018 15:45

Just as an aside. If op has had 2 private scans, she most already likely knew her baby was fine. I had ivf abroad and spent most of my pregnancy there. There was no such thing as a 20 week scan as far as I was concerned. This was aIl done privately and I had several scans to check the baby. Once I came back to England, they insisted on giving me the 20 week style scan, which I found most odd because I knew dd was fine. But British protocol had not been adhered to.

As for having 2 children there, 20 mins is far too long to sit still and see the baby. Perhaps they had been intrigued when their mother was scanned - who knows. But this time around, it will have been boring as they knew what to expect.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 17/03/2018 15:48

Rebel, lots of other threads under various names re the "DP" and the pregnancy. Easy to spot like Swing says ....

StepAwayFromGoogle · 17/03/2018 15:55

Our local NHS specifically asks that other children are not brought along to scans because the sonographer needs to be fully focused for that time. The girls should never have been there. The ex should have no say so on who comes to YOUR scans. Your OH needs to grow a pair and tell her that. It's your scan and they aren't even your children ffs.

LongWavyHair · 17/03/2018 16:02

He's already got children, so none of this is going to be new or exciting - he's done it all before.

I've already got children and pregnant with baby number 4. Each one of them has been new and exciting. dp was beaming at the scan yesterday and this is his 5th child. Of course it's still new exciting!

LongWavyHair · 17/03/2018 16:03
  • new AND exciting
FlippingFoal · 17/03/2018 16:12

longwavyhair

Some users are just spiteful and purposely trying to upset the OP. It's awful :(

LongWavyHair · 17/03/2018 16:19

Flipping I know Sad
If the children were the OP's children too, there would be no nasty comments at all about it not being exciting for him. It's just because they are her stepchildren and people like to stick the boot in.

Original poster
hellothere27 · 17/03/2018 16:22

YellowMakesMeSmile what the actual fuck are you on about? I have been with DP for 3 years now, we own our house TOGETHER and I've not once made a thread about step kids, to say it's clear I don't like them is quite a statement don't you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
hellothere27 · 17/03/2018 16:23

Thanks longwavy and flipping , honestly I feel like I'm back at school on an anonymous bullying page

OP posts:
Original poster
hellothere27 · 17/03/2018 16:25

I'm speechless at how people can make assumptions like that, so rude and disrespectful.

OP posts:
TrojanWhore · 17/03/2018 16:26

You are quite recognisable on the thread yellow is referencing. Which I doubt anyone would have looked at, had you not mentioned ongoing difficulties with another poster.

And I am glad the relationship is rather longer than you said there, and also that his financial abuse is not as described there.

(I know altering details to protect privacy is fine. But major things like who owns the house, when describing controlling behaviours can be misleading).

Dancingmonkey87 · 17/03/2018 17:07

I've not once made a thread about step kids

I think your telling porkies op.I know for a fact swingofthings is a regular poster on step parent forum and threads in relation to step child/parent due to her own experiences. You stated you had several run ins with swing and singled her out even though she had no idea who you were due to your name change. Like I said it’s rare I see anything negative from swing unless there’s a reason. Yellow has cottoned on to your previous threads.

FlippingFoal · 17/03/2018 17:27

Like I said it’s rare I see anything negative from swing unless there’s a reason

Oh thanks for giving me a laugh - swing is perhaps one of the most awful people on the SP forum and just goes on there to be goady towards SPs.

Dancingmonkey87 · 17/03/2018 17:31

That’s your opinion flipping I disagree 🙂 I think she constructive in what she says and shares her own experiences.

Crowd · 17/03/2018 17:33

Why have a baby with someone who left his original family?

When I was looking for a partner I wouldn't have dreamt of being someone's sloppy seconds and having the burden of having their kids around.

RebelRogue · 17/03/2018 17:35

@Crowd what if the original family(well the mother) left him?

Sloppy seconds?
Burden?

Do you think the same about women that for whatever reason are raising their kids alone?
Wtf?!?

Dancingmonkey87 · 17/03/2018 17:41

Why have a baby with someone who left his original family?

When I was looking for a partner I wouldn't have dreamt of being someone's sloppy seconds and having the burden of having their kids around.

I was left holding the baby when my ex cheated on me I’m really glad my dh didn’t judge me on my situation at the time and still went on to have dc with me.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.