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AIBU?

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Original poster

Why didn't he pay attention to the scan?

215 replies

hellothere27 · 17/03/2018 10:51

So yesterday I had my 20 week scan (I'm 24 weeks but due to mess around with midwives I only had it yesterday). Partners ex kicked off saying how we haven't involved his two girls in the scans and she took them to every scan with her.

So he asked them if they want to come and low and behold the second we're in there the kids are messing about, eating crisps, lying all over the chairs saying how bored they are, reading books (youngest can't read so she's asking her dad to read all the words) and he was. I was so embarrassed and so annoyed that he never told them to behave!

AIBU to be pissed off that he would rather read Biff and Chip than just focus for the 20 minutes we had to see our baby and check everything is ok with her? They crave his attention quite a lot, he usually holds my hand with scans, no biggy but it makes us feel close, and he had no interested in this one because the his children were there.

OP posts:
pictish · 17/03/2018 11:47

I agree that scans are not a family day out for the kids...they are to check that all is progressing normally and have the potential to end in difficult news. I agree that you need to put your foot down regarding your dp’s ex interference in your scan. She. Can suggest it...and you can say no. Which you will next time.

As for the rest, you do sound a little green eyed over his children to be honest. As it stands, they were there and he was doing his job as a parent. Of course they crave his attention...he’s their dad. Your child will crave his attention too but you won’t mind because it’ll be yours. Try to keep perspective.

SnibbleAgain · 17/03/2018 11:48

Well firstly I'd have thought that if he had them then anyway then they're part of the family and so if you were doing something before / after then they have to be there and he should've looked after them in the waiting room or even better mooched around the shop with them / taken them to the cafe (if it has one).

I do think that sometimes when you are pregnant and have children already and no support eg no partner no family nearby then hosps need to think about accessibility - it is a reality for a lot of women and can make attending appts difficult or even impossible.

However, that is not your situation. If they needed to be there he should have looked after them elsewhere. The person doing the scan can't have been too keen but they would have said if wanted them to leave so from that POV I wouldn't worry about it too much - HCPs are well capable of saying that so if they didn't then they didn't see it as a problem.

Generally 20 week scan there is possibility of bad news so it's not really great to take kids if you can help it at all.

Next time either let your partner take them somewhere, or say no. Small childen and boring hospital procedures don't mix well.

What if they wanted to do a transvaginal? lol imagine you'd chuck them out happily enough then!

MerryDeath · 17/03/2018 11:49

you shouldn't take children to those scans. we were told categorically no children are allowed in fact.

but as they were there he couldn't exactly ignore them could he.

Original poster
hellothere27 · 17/03/2018 11:51

He never stands up to her it's a joke. She's had a baby 2 months ago but as soon we told her I was pregnant she was "oh ur kids know ur not going to give a shit about them when the new baby comes along" Yeah kids were being kids which is why I didn't fucking want them there! It's my first child and I was interested in everything the scan lady was saying. This isn't a post about what my unborn baby thinks it's about what I think.

Fucking hell some of you on here are militant. Try being nicer to the kids? What so if I told them no they can't come that's being nice is it? Step parents can never win.

OP posts:
SnibbleAgain · 17/03/2018 11:54

how old are his kids

lljkk · 17/03/2018 11:55

Thread is mean.
Some of us don't have easy access to childcare so either we bring partner + kids or we don't bring partner at all. Bald declarations ("stupid to allow the kids there") are unhelpful at best.

tbh, I don't know what OP is saying. Sounds like partner did best he could in the circumstances. Lesson learnt to do things differently in future, maybe?

Original poster
hellothere27 · 17/03/2018 11:55

I also agree scans are not a place for kids, or anybody but your partner or nearest and dearest if you don't have a DP.

It was either we take them to the scan or we don't get to have them for weekend. We used to have them 3 nights one week 4 nights the next but then their moved away and changed school and with DP starting work at 5am with a new job they can't stay in the week anymore.

The whole point of this thread is I think they should have been told it was going to be boring, they've been to their moms so they know what it's all about. I've had 2 private scans and all hell broke loose when they wasn't invited along. They are 6 and 4. More than old enough to sit still for 20 minutes

OP posts:
Wintertime4 · 17/03/2018 11:56

Partners ex kicked off saying how we haven't involved his two girls in the scans and she took them to every scan with her.

That is totally out of order. She can butt out right now. From now on tell your DP that his Ex has NO say and he can stop being her puppet on a string. Honestly I despair of weak men and their exes!

Babyplaymat · 17/03/2018 11:56

Exactly, only one unreasonable here is the ex, if it happened as stated. Noone batted an eyelid at my kids being there, but then they are well behaved kids.

Wintertime4 · 17/03/2018 11:57

Well don’t have them for the weekend. Get court to sort out access now. Seriously this ex controlling behaviour is going to drive you mad.

lljkk · 17/03/2018 11:57

If you think he's a spineless plonker then best just to say that. Mind, forcing him to choose between his kids & you/new kid is probably a bad path to take. Of course he's still figuring out how to juggle it all.

lljkk · 17/03/2018 12:00

I wonder if it OP wanted to bring her 2 young kids from a previous relationship to the scan (maybe no childcare alternative) & the partner wanting to exclude them, or even resenting being foisted with work to help keep them happy during the long waits & the scan moments, if this thread would get a different response.

"Of course your children should be allowed to see a scan of their new baby sibling, he needs to accept the needs of the family he is now part of, how dare he argue against that!" type statements.

CouldYouBeMorePacific · 17/03/2018 12:01

It's not hard to tell kids it's important and to stop pissing about. He should have told the ex no though tbh and I'd be furious about that rather than how he was at the actual scan. I don't think he was U to read as he was probably trying to keep the kids engaged and stop any further disruption. But I agree the ex well and truly set you up here.

Babyplaymat · 17/03/2018 12:03

Scan threads are usually pretty consistently against sibling attendance tbf lljkk.

PurpleDaisies · 17/03/2018 12:06

I don’t agree at all lljkk. Most threads say that the 20week scan is a medical procedure looking for abnormalities or potential problems, not a lovely family bonding experience.

MrsDilber · 17/03/2018 12:07

Op what a frustrating situation. One of those, if I had known what was going to happen, I'd have....

Hindsight makes us all a genius.

However, please don't her dictate what happens in your pregnancy.

Wintertime4 · 17/03/2018 12:07

I think there’s huge difference between the father wanting the kids to attend. Obviously fine.

And the Ex ‘kicking off’ and insisting they do. That’s controlling and bullying. Keep her beak out! Blended families are hard enough.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 17/03/2018 12:09

God, I didn't want to take DS1 along to my scans for DS2 when he was 4 - I had to, to one, because we had no other option, but I made sure that was the only one!
I wouldn't have had your DP's 2 kids in with you at the scan, whatever their mother said. It must have been pretty irritating for the sonographer as well.

RebelRogue · 17/03/2018 12:10

There are three adults in this situation and a 4 and 6 yo. Your anger should be directed at the adults.
The kids behaved as kids do and shit happens. Kids get in the way of /ruin a lot of things and "special moments" for various reasons.

noeffingidea · 17/03/2018 12:13

OP you are the patient, not your partner and certainly not his ex. It's up to you who attends your scans, and all other medical procedures.
In your position I would have just said no, and left it up to my partner to decide if he wanted to arrange child care so that he could be present at the scan.

CouldYouBeMorePacific · 17/03/2018 12:14

OP didn't exclude them so it's even remotely similar lljkk.

CouldYouBeMorePacific · 17/03/2018 12:14

not remotely similar.

AlmostDoneWithThis · 17/03/2018 12:16

"All hell broke loose?"

Shrug. Not your circus, not your monkeys. Let her shout and scream all she likes, your scan is fuck-all to do with her.

RebelRogue · 17/03/2018 12:17

Also your title is misleading. You know perfectly well why he didn't pay attention to the scan...because he was dealing with his kids,which is perfectly normal.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 17/03/2018 12:23

Agree that taking children to scans is (usually) inappropriate.

But I fear you attitude doesn't bode well for your future as a blended family. There's definitely some vying for your partner's attention going on, and not just on the children's side. You were pissed off because he didn't hold your hand? You wanted him to hold your hand in this situation, not just because 'it makes us feel close', but because you wanted to feel put first and I suspect a part of you wanted the children to see you being put first. However, the needs of children in a given situation (whether the children should have been in this situation at all is a moot point, but fact is they were there) always come first, and that includes your stepchildren. Please abandon any notions that your partner should and will put your new baby first at all times because she is the child of his current relationship.

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