Why didn't he pay attention to the scan?

[hellothere27]

So yesterday I had my 20 week scan (I'm 24 weeks but due to mess around with midwives I only had it yesterday). Partners ex kicked off saying how we haven't involved his two girls in the scans and she took them to every scan with her.

So he asked them if they want to come and low and behold the second we're in there the kids are messing about, eating crisps, lying all over the chairs saying how bored they are, reading books (youngest can't read so she's asking her dad to read all the words) and he was. I was so embarrassed and so annoyed that he never told them to behave!

AIBU to be pissed off that he would rather read Biff and Chip than just focus for the 20 minutes we had to see our baby and check everything is ok with her? They crave his attention quite a lot, he usually holds my hand with scans, no biggy but it makes us feel close, and he had no interested in this one because the his children were there.

hellothere, you were so right yesterday when you said on MN sometimes things need to be explained as though you're speaking to toddlers Try not to let them get you worked up, they're not worth it. I think your dp put himself in a difficult position and had to give his dc all his attention because they were playing up a bit and he wanted the stenographer to give you full attention. Think of it as lesson learned and don't take them again, sod what the ex says, this is your baby. Good luck with the baby, hope all goes well.

It sounds like the children were behaving as typical young children. Their behaviour was inappropriate for the situation, as they shouldn't have been in this situation (a medical ultrasound appointment) to begin with.

It sounds like you have far greater issues that just your 20 week scan. You seem to disagree with your dps parenting style, and his ex seems to be dictating to you. These are issues that need addressing, but I would move past this appointment, as it is done now.

In my area children aren't allowed to scans, and for good reason.

It must have been upsetting that he gave his attention to his children and not you, exclusively, OP.
BUT, they are 4 and 6 and will struggle to sit still for 5 mins let alone 20. Shows he is a good father.

Please ensure you make your DP responsible for what happens - he is making choices which may impact on You, too. No point in blaming the ex. If she hadn't been told about the scan you'd not have an issue and that's his fault. Also, if your DP's phone is not working he needs to fix it. Don't make excuses for this manchild.
If ex is causing issues with visits them go back to court.

@mummyoflittledragon lol alright then if it makes you feel better

Nobody else apart from the patient and relevant medical professionals gets to dictate who attends the patient's medical appointments.

Your partner should have entertained the children outside the room, or arranged a babysitter if he wanted to attend the scan. It's a medical procedure, not a tourist attraction.

Am I the only one who is wondering how the ex even knew about the scan? What business is it of hers? One of you must have told her. Not sure why though!
Keep the rest of your appointments private from her, don't take the children, it's not appropriate. If you do have to have another scan, and you have no one to have the children, they sit outside with their dad until the scan is done.
It was a no win situation for him. You should have insisted they didn't come, but as they did, you can't be surprised that he had to pay attention to them instead of your scan. I'm afraid you're coming across as being in some sort of competition with the ex, and that's never going to end well for anyone.
Leave the communication with the ex to him, ignore her complaints, tell him he needs to sort out any gripes she may have. Do NOT get into discussions about her in front of the children.
Being a second wife is hard, and it sounds like she's trying to get some sort of control us g the children. Smile sweetly at her and don't get drawn in.

It appears that the ex knew because the scan happened on a Friday afternoon, when the DP's children were due to be with him for the weekend. The OP has stated that if they were not allowed to come to the scan, then they wouldn't have been able to come for the weekend either.
From that it's reasonable to assume that the DP asked if he could pick them up late(r), AFTER the scan, and the ex kicked off at that point.

OP and her DP will know now to think of a different reason for things, rather than telling the truth, if they want to keep stuff private to themselves.

This is conjecture, but reasonable, given the circumstances described.

@user145778793
It’s got nothing to do with making me feel better. I have nothing to feel better for as I do not randomly attack strangers over the Internet. I hope one day you find peace. It cannot be easy to feel as you do. I shall not continue to feed you by responding to your posts.

Mummy, just a quick message of support and empathy for the attacking post by User. Similar thing happened to me a few months ago. Glad to see it was removed.

Falmer thanks. . Sorry you’ve been attacked for no reason you understand as well.

I think it all depends on who’s scheduled time it was with the kids.

If it was exDW scheduled time then it was unreasonable for them to be at the scan.

If it was DH scheduled time then it was either up to you both to make arrangements to have them minded while you both went to the scan or they have to go with you in which case it’s fair enough for him to have to entertain them.

Oh OP, you’ve had a really hard time here.
For what it’s worth, I’d ignore swingofthings. She’s a stepchild and had issues with her own stepmum growing up so always sees things from the ‘wronged stepchild’ perspective and is completely incapable of empathising with stepmums. Her opinion is worthless because of that, so I wouldn’t let it get to you.

As for what happened with your scan, your DP really should have put his foot down with his ex. He completely let you down on this. And you let yourself down by not putting your own foot down with your DP (though I understand why you didn’t – stepmums are expected to put ourselves last at all times.)

The ex seems like she really has an issue with you having a baby, so prepare yourself for more problems in the near future. You need to be having a conversation with your DP about how you’re both going to deal with things like this moving forward.

He was either to read to his kids and make it as easy and pleasant as possible for you and the person doing the scan, or he was to stare at the scan with screaming kids?

YABU. He chose the parenting route and didn’t ignore his kids. You’re obviously going to be the kind of Mum who now gets territorial over the dad your kid has to share, so I suggest you just calm down in advance and think about it.

Also you agreed to take the kids. My kids came to mine but they sat there quietly, so if you think the kids may not behave then don’t bring them... and honestly most just don’t, nothing wrong with the kids or parenting... most kids are just like that. I just happen to have two quiet ones.

*As for what happened with your scan, your DP really should have put his foot down with his ex. He completely let you down on this. And you let yourself down by not putting your own foot down with your DP (though I understand why you didn’t – stepmums are expected to put ourselves last at all times.)

The ex seems like she really has an issue with you having a baby, so prepare yourself for more problems in the near future. You need to be having a conversation with your DP about how you’re both going to deal with things like this moving forward*

This, OP. I think it says it all.

There seem to be a lot of bitter (what's the term for mothers whose ex has found another woman?) posters here who think that the OW should lay down their life for their DCs.