Why didn't he pay attention to the scan?

[hellothere27]

So yesterday I had my 20 week scan (I'm 24 weeks but due to mess around with midwives I only had it yesterday). Partners ex kicked off saying how we haven't involved his two girls in the scans and she took them to every scan with her.

So he asked them if they want to come and low and behold the second we're in there the kids are messing about, eating crisps, lying all over the chairs saying how bored they are, reading books (youngest can't read so she's asking her dad to read all the words) and he was. I was so embarrassed and so annoyed that he never told them to behave!

AIBU to be pissed off that he would rather read Biff and Chip than just focus for the 20 minutes we had to see our baby and check everything is ok with her? They crave his attention quite a lot, he usually holds my hand with scans, no biggy but it makes us feel close, and he had no interested in this one because the his children were there.

You should have said no!

How old are his children?

YABU for letting them come in the first place. What was he meant to do ignore them and let them run riot? Next time put your foot down and say you and him only.

Well this post is a new low.

The ex really set you up good and proper, OP.

I find it amazing that some people view a medical procedure as a social event.

He had his hands full with the kids. You can brief him about the scan.

Firstly , your DP shouldn't have brought the children.
Secondly , having brought them he clearly had to entertain them. Personally I would have thought the entertaining should have happened in the waiting room so as not to interfere with the ultrasonographer getting on with their job.
Scans are medical tests , to help ensure best medical care for the mother and child.partners attend first and foremost to support the pregnant woman , as said upthread , there can sometimes be distressingly bad news.

Children are not allowed in at the Royal Berks and only one other person is allowed at a time. There are lots of posters and leaflets allover the waiting room saying so. The 20 week scan is such an important check and, unfortunately, can bring bad, even devastating, news. No place for small children.

Two small children were never going to sit calmly and watch a scan. This situation was entirely predictable.

-I think the ex knew the kids would disrupt the whole thing......she got her way

This ^^

I think you should be annoyed at your DP for not standing up to his ex! And yourself for not standing up to him!

Who takes kids to a scan? Come on!

Will the children be watching you give birth too? A lovely homebred with whale music and relaxing candles. Invite the ex to come help as a double, after all she has done it twice.

I echo other posters. No kids for 20 week scan because of the possibility of bad news

I've no issue with parents paying for a scan after privately to take kids to which will be all about showing the baby rather than examine for any issues.

This is what your DP should've told his ex. No, but we can pay for a private scan later if you, OP, agreed.

*doula

Your partners ex doesn't get to decide who goes to your medical appointments. Why did your partner agree to it?

Firstly, it's a medical procedure to check for any issues with the pregnancy, it's not a family day out. Highly inappropriate to have the children there - what if you'd received bad news? And a pita for the sonographer too.

Anyway, your DH was well played by his ex, pretty sure she knew how the kids would be and would disrupt your scan. He needs to think before agreeing to stuff just because she "kicks off". You're right to be pissed off with him but not so much for kid wrangling at the scan, but at agreeing to them being there in the first place.

It sounds like the ex is worried your DP will forget about his existing kids when the new shiny baby comes along. She was wrong to suggest that they go to the scan, but if it's from a point of view of trying to get the kids to be interested in/not resent their new sibling, not the worst reasoning, if poorly executed.

Good on your DP for being sensitive to their needs and making sure that they didn't feel pushed out/less important than the new baby, who really doesn't care whether daddy pays attention to it's scan.

I did laugh when I read your "I was so embarrassed and so annoyed that he never told them to behave" - sounds like they were just being kids. Wouldn't hurt you to try and be nicer to them... and it might help to set your expectations about what kids are like for when your own one arrives.

As for: "They crave his attention quite a lot" BECAUSE THEY ARE SMALL CHILDREN AND THEY NEED ATTENTION. That's what kids are like! So yes, YAB totally U in your attitude to your baby's half-siblings.

It's not a family day out. I totally agree with you. I must confess my two boys came to my 20 week scan (5 and 8 at the time) . However I could count on them to behave appropriately. I would have had dh take them out if they behaved like that.

Children aren't allowed in scans at our local hospital.

Lesson learnt don't take the kids.

Sounds like a horrible experience and you were really trying to do the right thing by everyone and it mis-fired - on everyone. Easy to jump in and judge you - of course you should have said no incase something worrying showed up, but that you would share the scan image with the girls to make them feel involved, but so should your baby's father - more so, as they are his girls, and it's his ex - he should have asked how you felt about it, and if you felt uncomfortable just refused to take the girls, and explained the very good reasons why - that they would be bored, that there might be complications, that it was unfair on you not to have this moment with him. Moving forwards, I'd suggest a chat with your partner - ask him how he felt about it, did he feel as uncomfortable and upset as you? How did it come about that his ex was dictating the way you dealt with your pregnancy? What can you do in future to ensure that nothing like this happens again? Sort it out between you both now, decide what your position will be, together, on his ex's demands, and how the girls are involved, stand shoulder to shoulder and stick to your guns. Do that now and you will save yourselves a lot of heartache down the line. Good luck! And it sounds like the girls have got a nice Step Mummy, and your partner is willing to read school books with his girls? That's a good sign for you and your baby...

The 20 week scan isn't a fun family day out, its to check for anything that may be of concern. Some people get given horrific news at these scans and having children there, unless there's no other option, is really irresponsible. I had to take my then 1 year old to my 20 week scan with my second child, it was either that or not have dh there. He waited outside with her while I got checked then came in at the end. Not a chance would I have children there unless I really had to.

It's a scan to check for abnormalities, not a trip to the cinema
Your partner should have put his foot down and told his ex that children weren't allowed.

I took both my older kids to all my scans bar the last one at 38wks, and that was because I had a consultant appt after and whilst they had been to all other appts I didn't fancy taking them to that one. However this circumstance is different. I trusted my children to behave, and they did. You were railroaded which is unfair. Your DP did the right thing in entertaining them, as what else what he meant t to do? However they shouldn't have been there.

I don't know about this "kids need constant attention and cant sit still for 20 mins" smells like ineffectual parenting to me and I would be worried that he's a Disney dad who wants his children to like him rather than telling them to sit down and shut up for 20 mins if they had to be there. Children can sit down and sit still for 20 mins. They might be bored but tough shit. What do you think they do in school all day - get one to one attention from a doting parent?

I also agree that they shouldn't have been there in the first place though. Watch your boundaries in future. You've already let one slip. Set the tone from here on and tell him you expect him to back you up.

Is he always Mr nice guy with his children or can do a more disciplinarian style? What would worry me there is that all the discipline might have to fall on your shoulders with your child growing as it grows up - it's worth having a conversation around parenting styles.