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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother's Day for step mums

205 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 09/03/2018 12:23

I'm a step parent to two teenagers. We have the usual ups and downs of family life and although I've never been a natural parent, I do my best for both of them. They spend 50% of their time with us and I do their cooking, cleaning, and other motherly duties for them whilst they're with us. I've never wanted to be their mum, they have a perfectly good one, but I do quite a lot of chores that a mother would do.

My AIBU is to ask if you think it's unreasonable to be recognised in some way on Mother's Day? I don't mean a card, although step mum cards are available,
I don't expect anything but think a small bunch of tulips (for example) would be a nice gesture. Just a token of appreciation on this day. They're teenagers so appreciation is rare!

I've been with their dad for several years and never had anything so not expecting anything this year either. AIBU to be just slightly upset?

OP posts:
WopYa · 09/03/2018 12:26

You're not being unreasonable. DSS lives with us full time and sees his actual mother 2 nights a week, only 1 full day.

But, as always she will get told what a fucking fantastic mummy she is (even though she kicked her then 12yo out, and doesn't even have a bedroom for him)

and I will get absolutely zero recognition for anything I have done and continue to do for him.

I do have a DS but he is only a toddler, so he doesn't get it, although he did make me a card at nursery and DP will probably get me flowers/chocolates from him I guess.

Step parents very rarely are appreciated, or get any kind of thank you unfortunately.

Bluelady · 09/03/2018 12:27

It doesn't upset me in the least. The angst about a manufactured excuse to put up the price of flowers and Sunday lunches seems very strange to me. Roll on Monday.

WopYa · 09/03/2018 12:28

it's about appreciation, bluelady not anything else.

I am not expecting anyone to take me out to lunch, but a thank you for everything you do would be nice.

Trinity66 · 09/03/2018 12:29

My SS lives with us fulltime since he was 15 (he's 19 now) and he usually gets me something and will put his name down on the card with my other two DC

Sockunicorn · 09/03/2018 12:29

I would be upset. However there is a step parents day.

I grew up a stepchild (both parents remarried) and would buy both of those a card and small gift. Not as much as my parents but just a bunch of daffs or bottle of beer.

However I do believe someone has to teach children to say thank you, so maybe a quick word with your DH to have a whisper and maybe plant the seed. They are teenagers and may just not have thought of it. My niece doesnt even bother getting her parents birthday gifts half the time and shes 21!

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 09/03/2018 12:29

@bluelady are you a step mum? It's not the sentiment particularly of Mother's Day it's more the lack of appreciation of what a step mum does for the children of her partner.

OP posts:
Afternooncatnap · 09/03/2018 12:30

Maybe bring this up with your dh.

There is no rule to say you can't celebrate step mothers on mothers day. I think you can celebrate any motherly figure in your life.

Bluelady · 09/03/2018 12:31

Why does there have to be a special day to say thank you? Mine thank me for the things I do for them when I do them. I know they appreciate me, I don't need a card on one day to tell me. I guess we're all different.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 09/03/2018 12:31

I thought it was normal - DSS has always bought me a card (with "mum" on it) and thoughtful gift. I realise I may have been lucky, reading these threads. He did live with us full time until he went to uni, however, so we are quite close.

Bluelady · 09/03/2018 12:32

And yes, I've got three stepchildren.

firstevernamechange · 09/03/2018 12:33

You really can't expect it sorry. Growing up in a step family is an emotional challenge for everyone involved but you, as an adult, need to let the kids decide this for themselves.
It might feel disloyal to their mum, they might not see you as a mother figure even though they like and respect you, they might be worried about upsetting you.
I would have hugely resented, as a child, to recognise my mum's partner on father's day, even though I liked him and was happy for my mum. It woukd have felt like a betrayal to my father.
Their reasoning might be different, it may have simply not occurred to them to get you a card - it doesn't make a difference it's up to them how they see and aknowledge you (given theu treat you respectfully).
I know it sucks but you need to be the adult.

GrannyGrissle · 09/03/2018 12:34

Would be nice OP but unlikely. Having Step parented 4 children I've neither expected nor received any Mothers' day schizzle.You are only there to take the shit and be the bad guy

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 09/03/2018 12:35

If they were little then a reminder would be appreciated. If they have to be reminded or asked to do so as older teenagers it almost makes it worthless.

OP posts:
HollyBayTree · 09/03/2018 12:39

I love my SM dearly but she is not my mother and no I woudnt be buying her flowers etc - that my SSisters job!

You have to respect family boundaries. Youc an be dearly loved as a person in your own right but ultimately you are the woman who happens to be married to their father, you are not their mother and asking for recognition on Mothering Sunday is, I think, a big ask.

Take the thank you's as they arrive throughout the year.

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 09/03/2018 12:41

It makes me smile, DSS (18) has just reminded me that we're out of all his favourite drinks (that I never drink) and to not forget to pick them up on the weekly shop I'm just about to go on.

I'll shop and pay for them, I'll then cook his lunch and he'll say thanks. He works and earns a decent salary for his age. He pays nothing towards the shopping or any rent. He'll hang around all day, then maybe go out with mates later.

It does indeed suck being a step parent. I'd rather spend my money and time on myself and DP to be honest! Just a slice of life.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 09/03/2018 12:43

@Hollybaytree I wonder how you'd react if she'd shown the same level of interest to you as you show to her, and totally disrespected you in favour of your step sister?

OP posts:
blastomama · 09/03/2018 12:45

My AIBU is to ask if you think it's unreasonable to be recognised in some way on Mother's Day?

If they want to, that's great. But you aren't their mother. I'm not being mean with that, just factual.

jaseyraex · 09/03/2018 12:45

Have they been appreciative of you in other ways on "regular" days? I think so long as they acknowledge all you do for them at other times then I wouldn't get upset over it, as nice as it would be for a small token gift. My step mother is an awful woman, always has been. I like to think had it been different then I'd at least get her a box of chocs or something as a nod of appreciation.

Trinity66 · 09/03/2018 12:45

*I'll shop and pay for them, I'll then cook his lunch and he'll say thanks. He works and earns a decent salary for his age. He pays nothing towards the shopping or any rent. He'll hang around all day, then maybe go out with mates later.

It does indeed suck being a step parent. I'd rather spend my money and time on myself and DP to be honest! Just a slice of life.*

That's just being a teenager though, they're very selfish beings Grin not just the Step ones.

You have to give them a kick in the arse every now and then, if he's working make him pay something out of it towards his keep, it's just a way of preparing them for the real world. My SS does and my DD(17) has just started a part time job and she will be too (only a tiny amount but it's just to teach them about taking some responsibility for themselves really)

FaFoutis · 09/03/2018 12:50

I completely agree with firstever.
You are not their mother and the fact that you would rather spend your money and time on yourself is a reflection of that too.

NotAllTimsWearCapes · 09/03/2018 12:51

Could I (tentatively) ask why you are martyring yourself for him/then? Is there something preventing you having a an adult conversation with him and say that you think it’s time he contributed to the house, bought his own drinks and cooked his own lunch? Or even better, cooked for the family.

Prettylovely · 09/03/2018 12:52

Totally agree step mums are extremely under valued.

blastomama · 09/03/2018 12:53

It does indeed suck being a step parent. I'd rather spend my money and time on myself and DP to be honest! Just a slice of life

Well, thats the choice you made when you married a man with children.

LilacClouds · 09/03/2018 12:57

I think you should definitely be appreciated and for that to take the form of something simple like a few flowers or a card, although it doesn't have to be on Mother's Day specifically (any day would do) and I really think your partner should be encouraging them, as it may not have actually have occurred to them to think of it by themselves.

What does your partner say about it? Have you broached the topic? Does he appreciate your efforts towards his DSs?

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 09/03/2018 13:00

My DSS has never gotten me anything on mother's day...but I don't expect anything. I'm not his mum. I've been in his life almost 10 years now and we have a good relationship but I'm not mum. I do everything for him that I'd do for my own when he is here but again...I'm not his mum.

Being a step mum is hard and tbh very unrewarding but its just one of those things. I think if your stepchild is with you full time though and you have the full role of mum it would be a bit upsetting