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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother's Day for step mums

205 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 09/03/2018 12:23

I'm a step parent to two teenagers. We have the usual ups and downs of family life and although I've never been a natural parent, I do my best for both of them. They spend 50% of their time with us and I do their cooking, cleaning, and other motherly duties for them whilst they're with us. I've never wanted to be their mum, they have a perfectly good one, but I do quite a lot of chores that a mother would do.

My AIBU is to ask if you think it's unreasonable to be recognised in some way on Mother's Day? I don't mean a card, although step mum cards are available,
I don't expect anything but think a small bunch of tulips (for example) would be a nice gesture. Just a token of appreciation on this day. They're teenagers so appreciation is rare!

I've been with their dad for several years and never had anything so not expecting anything this year either. AIBU to be just slightly upset?

OP posts:
WopYa · 10/03/2018 09:08

ErmNO!Step Mums are not biologically related to the child and are NOTHING to do with them! At all! If they live in the same house say once a fortnight then they are there for their FATHER and not his partner/Wife! Absolutely nothing to do with her!
Luckily my child doesn't have one and never ever will (no Dad) but it would NOT be happening if she did!

Ah so am I nothing to do with dss even though he lives here full time and I do probably 20 times what his mother does for him?

reddington · 10/03/2018 09:11

Erm NO! Step Mums are not biologically related to the child and are NOTHING to do with them! At all! If they live in the same house say once a fortnight then they are there for their FATHER and not his partner/Wife! Absolutely nothing to do with her!
Luckily my child doesn't have one and never ever will (no Dad) but it would NOT be happening

I don’t even know where to start with how fucking offensive this is. I was adopted as a newborn by my mother and father so clearly have no biological relation but if you’re suggesting that my mother is less worthy because of that then you can fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you get there fuck off some more! I’ve also been lucky enough to have a step-mum for 30 years who I lived with for 50% of the time as a child and who contributed just as much to raising me as my mother - but she’s nothing to do with me right? FUCK OFF!

craigglen · 10/03/2018 09:14

Motherofasurvivor - that is a really horrible thing to say. Just cruel to those of us who try really hard to do our best.

helloBuddy · 10/03/2018 09:58

It's probably hard for the children, if they have a good relationship with their biological parents they probably don't want to think they might upset them by buying their step-parent a card/present.

cucaracha · 10/03/2018 10:16

Luckily my child doesn't have one and never ever will (no Dad) but it would NOT be happening

Poor child, you really need to work on your issues, you are creating such a toxic environment for him

SinisterBumFacedCat · 10/03/2018 14:12

Luckily my child doesn't have one and never ever will (no Dad) but it would NOT be happening

That's a shame for your DC, might offer a break from your poison.

Nkhutch · 10/03/2018 14:21

Definitely not unreasonable. I don't get on with my daughters fathers fiancé ( not sure if they all class her as step mum but same principle) for several reasons that are just personal between us and dds father. I personally wouldn't go out and get her anything from dd however if her dad chose to do it with her it wouldn't bother me. My partner has a Mother's Day card off of dd. She also refers to her as her other mum but will often call her by her name. Extended families are a wonderful thing. I have my daughter til 2pm tomorrow ( it's her dads day for contact) then she will spend the remainder with them x

blastomama · 10/03/2018 14:25

I personally wouldn't go out and get her anything from dd however if her dad chose to do it with her it wouldn't bother me

Wouldn't it bother you though if your DD said "I don't want to give dads girlfriend a mothers day card" and he said she had to?

Catinthebath · 10/03/2018 14:34

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Not the same but I married a young widower and his first wife’s mum lived in the same road. A wonderful lady and still a good friend even though I’m divorced now. I made sure to always get her flowers and a “someone special” card on Mother’s Day

Nkhutch · 10/03/2018 14:56

@blastomama of course it would in that case then I would say something. I wouldn't ever want dd to be pushed into something or felt like she had to accept someone in that way if she didn't want to. We try an make extended families a positive thing in our family so her 'step mums' parents can be dds grandparents , if she wants them to be it's totally her choice. The same would always go for my partner. I ask her if she would like to get her a card. She asked me today what to write on it , I told her she could right to mama ( what our baby will call her) or she could write her name it's totally up to her. My partner has never pushed this on her either and has always said she can be her other mum if she would like if not she's still her best friend reguardless 😁

LongWavyHair · 10/03/2018 15:13

Loads of you on here would be upset if your children thought of someone else as mum

I would definitely. That's why I don't see myself as a mum to my dsc and I it's also why I don't see my dsc as one of my children. Therefore I don't expect nor do I want a card from them.

We aren't "nothing" to each other though. We're just, not mother and child. That might seem harsh but we never have been and never will be.

ElChan03 · 11/03/2018 17:24

My dsd gave me a step mum mother's day card and a present and I wasn't expecting it at all. It was a really pleasant surprise. She even wrote a special note inside and said thank you for all that I do and that she is sorry if she ever made me feel unwelcome and she loves me. Tearing up a little bit thinking about it again. Still feeling warm and fuzzy.

honeyroar · 11/03/2018 19:31

There's no reason that the real mother would feel upset about a stepmum getting a card, because there's no need for them to know. My stepson would usually leave me a card, or pop round for half an hour when he could drive, but he'd spend day with his mum. It would never be rubbed in his mum's face that he'd got me a card. Same way id write from husband, me and stepson on Xmas cards, but just from husband and me on hers.

WeirdCatLady · 11/03/2018 19:37

You come across very much objecting to the fact that they aren’t fawning over you....you’d rather spend your money elsewhere. I wouldn’t be surprised if they haven’t picked up on this sentiment. Plus, you aren’t their mother and today is mother’s day, not step-moms or dads-girlfriend’s day.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 11/03/2018 20:06

It's may not be "step moms" day but I still got a lovely card from my DSS. Who says there must be rules on this?

auditqueen · 11/03/2018 20:37

Luckily my child doesn't have one and never ever will (no Dad) but it would NOT be happening

Ahh. So you are one of those parents then. Good luck as your child gets older and starts to cut the cord.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 11/03/2018 20:46

Erm NO! Step Mums are not biologically related to the child and are NOTHING to do with them! At all! If they live in the same house say once a fortnight then they are there for their FATHER and not his partner/Wife! Absolutely nothing to do with her!

This is such a pile of shite.

DS1 spends time with his Dad often. He has a Step-Dad here he loves and gets on with. He has a Step-Mum there he loves and gets on with. He buys her a card on Mothers Day without fail each year (he's 12, btw, so still very much a child, albeit a more advanced member of society than you sound with your awful nonsense). This year he sat next to me as he wrote it and he put "Thank you for being there for me whenever I need you, I love you".

There is nothing in the world more important than a child being loved. Nothing. I couldn't be more happy that DS1 loves her, I'm thrilled she loves him. Because when I'm not there I know that she takes care of him and nurtures him and does the 'Mum' role. His bond with her is important and deserves to be recognised. I hate when people think Step Parents can't Mother or Father. It does a huge disservice to the many, many adults who enter children's lives, dote on them, love them and cherish them.

honeyroar · 11/03/2018 20:56

Idontbelieveinthemoon, I wish you were my stepson's mum! While she's not bad (certainly not compared to some mums on here!) she's had her moments, and I remember saying to a friend once, I don't get it, would she rather her son went to someone who didn't like/love him??

Boxingdaydisappoints · 11/03/2018 22:03

This reply has been deleted

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kerryweaverscrutch · 11/03/2018 22:06

way to turn a nice update into a nasty jibe at another poster. Hmm

craigglen · 11/03/2018 22:17

Idonbelieveinthemoon - what you have written is just lovely and so true. A child can never have too many people who love them. Thank you.

NeverTwerkNaked · 11/03/2018 22:22

There’s a lot of hatred for step mothers on mumsnet isn’t there. Some of the vitriol on this thread has really upset me.
I have children and stepnchildren. I don’t try to replace DSC mother or compete with her but I do “mother” them when they are with us (about 1/3 of the time). I wipe their tears and help with homework and bake with them and plan birthday treats for them and and generally pour lots of energy and love their way. That doesn’t take anything away from their relationship with their mother. It’s not a competition. It would be lovely if the tradition was extended to step mothers, it doesn’t lessen it for mothers. I wouldn’t mind my children getting something to thank their step mother

Prettylovely · 11/03/2018 22:48

I totally agree nevertwerknaked

kerryweaverscrutch · 11/03/2018 22:50

Only the ones that deserve it, same as anyone else.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 11/03/2018 22:51

There’s a lot of hatred for step mothers on mumsnet isn’t there

There is huge hatred of ex wives as well. Depends which side of the fence you happen to be on. As an ex wife, I didn’t ask for any of this but I have to suck it up, slap a smile on my face and make like it’s all absolutely fine to my children. Because if I don’t, I’m in the wrong. There are people involved in my children’s lives who I have not chosen to be there, who can do whatever they want, and who, frankly, I wouldn’t personally let them within a mile of. But I have to put up with it because, you know, I once was married to their father. Apparently that means he can be trusted. He can’t but, well, I just wave and smile and keep paying the therapy bills.

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