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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother's Day for step mums

205 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 09/03/2018 12:23

I'm a step parent to two teenagers. We have the usual ups and downs of family life and although I've never been a natural parent, I do my best for both of them. They spend 50% of their time with us and I do their cooking, cleaning, and other motherly duties for them whilst they're with us. I've never wanted to be their mum, they have a perfectly good one, but I do quite a lot of chores that a mother would do.

My AIBU is to ask if you think it's unreasonable to be recognised in some way on Mother's Day? I don't mean a card, although step mum cards are available,
I don't expect anything but think a small bunch of tulips (for example) would be a nice gesture. Just a token of appreciation on this day. They're teenagers so appreciation is rare!

I've been with their dad for several years and never had anything so not expecting anything this year either. AIBU to be just slightly upset?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 20:24

Well we obviously disagree here which is fine. But in life if someone shows us kindness and consideration in some way it's nice to give something back and as the OP is their stepmum a bunch of flowers on Mother's Day would be a kind gesture.

IMO.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 20:26

And plus you don't know that the stepkids aren't giving the OP flowers on Mother's Day because they don't want to. It could possibly be that they haven't even thought about it. You know like self absorbed young people can be!

YellowMakesMeSmile · 09/03/2018 20:30

Agree with Wannebe, they had no choice in the relationship but you did.

If you resent doing anything for them why didn't you pick a single man with no children.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/03/2018 20:35

A bunch of flowers on Sunday to acknowledge what she does would hurt nobody

And yet several adult step children have posted here about enforced presents/cards which they did very much resent. But I guess it’s sod all to do with the children and everything to do with the adults, eh?!

blastomama · 09/03/2018 20:36

But in life if someone shows us kindness and consideration in some way it's nice to give something back and as the OP is their stepmum a bunch of flowers on Mother's Day would be a kind gesture

They may not feel that OP does show them kindness or consideration. They may feel that OP would "rather spend her time and money on other things" as she says.

We don't know, is the point. I'm very uncomfortable saying what kids should do for someone who is not their mother on mothers day, even if you know the children very well. Here we don't know the first thing about the situation.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 20:40

What piss poor attitudes on this thread. The OP chose her partner I presume for him and not because he had two kids in tow. She doesn't have to do anything for them (and I bet on another thread where a step mum said she didn't do any cooking or cleaning or anything at all, because why should she? she'd be told that she was a terrible human being) but she does, I gather to make their lives easier and more pleasant!

blastomama · 09/03/2018 20:45

Actually I think the worst attitude here is yours. You are being very rude and completely dismissive of any concerns for the children in these situations.

Yes, she could choose to be an awful step parent. She could choose to be a brilliant one. She is probably somewhere in between.
But what she can't' choose is to be their mother, and she can't choose their feelings for them. Neither can you, so please stop telling everyone what other peoples kids should do.

MotherofaSurvivor · 09/03/2018 20:46

Erm NO! Step Mums are not biologically related to the child and are NOTHING to do with them! At all! If they live in the same house say once a fortnight then they are there for their FATHER and not his partner/Wife! Absolutely nothing to do with her!
Luckily my child doesn't have one and never ever will (no Dad) but it would NOT be happening if she did!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 20:47

I guess there's a lot of ex wives on this thread. Would explain a lot.

blastomama · 09/03/2018 20:48

No, it wouldn't.

Why do you care so little for children and their feelings?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 20:50

Where has the OP ever said that she wants to be their mother. In fact she's stated the opposite. Hoping for a bunch of flowers on Mother's Day is not trying to take the part of her step children's own mum.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 20:51

Why do you care so little for women that take care of other people's children?

MotherofaSurvivor · 09/03/2018 20:52

I'm not anybody's ex wife! Hahahahaha

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/03/2018 20:53

Your DH needs to have a ‘quiet word ‘

And OP when they grow up they will realise / honest Flowers teenager are often selfish fuckers

lakeshoreliving · 09/03/2018 20:56

Traditionally it was Mothering Sunday, in our church growing up all adult females were given a small posy of flowers and we were told that it was about respecting all the mothering that happened, wherever by who ever.

Obsidion · 09/03/2018 21:04

I was wondering only today if I should be helping my children acknowledge their step-mum on Mothers Day.

She is lovely, she takes very good care of children while they see their Dad. This Christmas they were able to stay with him a whole week, because she was there. She encourages him to take a more active role in their lives and helps him to be a better father. She is not their mother, I am. But she is still an important part of their life and I am grateful for her input.

They always acknowledge their Step-Dad on Father's Day, their choice. In fact last year my son chose a 'best Dad' type card for his Step Dad and a plain card for his biological Dad. I suppose that reflects the level of input they each have in his life.

Giraffe888 · 09/03/2018 21:05

My SS is only 7 but my DP buys a card and gets him to sign it. It means the world to me and I really appreciate it Smile

blastomama · 09/03/2018 21:06

Why do you care so little for women that take care of other people's children?

I care. But they don't get to tell their step children they have to appreciate them and treat them as their mother. You don't. You are so far over the line.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 21:10

No you're wrong I'm afraid. This isn't about a step mother replacing the role of the mother in any stretch of the imagination. It's about young adult showing some appreciation for everything their Step mum does.

Your children have a stepmum that you feel threatened of I take it?

Bluelady · 09/03/2018 21:11

Childminders take care of other people's children, it doesn't mean they should get acknowledgment of it on Mothers' Day.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 21:12

Behave now Bluelady that's bordering on a ridiculous comment.

Bluelady · 09/03/2018 21:12

GreatDuck, since you're not a stepmother, why are you like a dog with a bone on this one?

lakeshoreliving · 09/03/2018 21:13

If step mothers do mothering I don't see why this shouldn't be acknowledged.
Lots of mothers are pretty terrible but they get to participate.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 21:18

Same reason you are I guess Grin you think you're right and I don't and vice versa.

Only joking. I just felt for the OP and think she made a valid point, you and others don't agree which is ok but we are all allowed to post you know? Wink

MaryLennoxsScowl · 09/03/2018 21:23

I have a stepmother who could theoretically have written your posts. However, the other side of the story is that she is a stroppy demanding insensitive cow who made far more scenes than the teenagers she moved in with, and who made our dad miserable. But does she think that? No! Obviously there’s a halfway ground between our views, but who is to say who’s right? Your stepkids may not think they have anything to thank you for.

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