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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother's Day for step mums

205 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 09/03/2018 12:23

I'm a step parent to two teenagers. We have the usual ups and downs of family life and although I've never been a natural parent, I do my best for both of them. They spend 50% of their time with us and I do their cooking, cleaning, and other motherly duties for them whilst they're with us. I've never wanted to be their mum, they have a perfectly good one, but I do quite a lot of chores that a mother would do.

My AIBU is to ask if you think it's unreasonable to be recognised in some way on Mother's Day? I don't mean a card, although step mum cards are available,
I don't expect anything but think a small bunch of tulips (for example) would be a nice gesture. Just a token of appreciation on this day. They're teenagers so appreciation is rare!

I've been with their dad for several years and never had anything so not expecting anything this year either. AIBU to be just slightly upset?

OP posts:
upsideup · 09/03/2018 21:23

My adult dsd is spending mothers day with me and my children because she would rather than be with her bio mum.
Theres a big difference between being a step parent and being their dads girlfriend and from your replies it seems you would rather just be the latter, If they already have a good mum then they are going to want the day to be about her.

SD1978 · 09/03/2018 21:31

A manufactured holiday, with a card, means nothing to me. I would rather be appreciated all year round, not on a day of obligation. Have never received a card, and don’t my care or see it as disrespectful. I’d rather have consideration all year round of what I do!!

honeyroar · 09/03/2018 21:36

There are some scarily defensive/possessive mothers on this thread!!

I'm a step mum. It's been hard work. My ss was 7 when I met his dad (ex wife was already married to her next husband). We always got on well. My husband used to help his son buy me a Mother's Day card. I didn't like it for the first decade (I couldn't have children myself and I used to find Mother's Day a stab in the heart, still do to some extent). I used to say to my stepson that he didn't have to get me a card, that I wasn't his mum etc. But he always did, and later on as he started buying them himself he picked cards that were relevant to things we laughed about together, or things we liked and the messages in them that he wrote were more personal, and suddenly they mean much more somehow. He is hundreds of miles away at uni but a card came today and made me smile. It is nice to feel acknowledged and appreciated. I'm not his mum, never will be, but I've put a lot of me into him, a lot of time, money and love, just like any real parent.

blastomama · 09/03/2018 21:36

If step mothers do mothering I don't see why this shouldn't be acknowledged

Well its a matter of opinion whether a step mother can do "mothering" at all. If the SC don't have a mother, yes. But if they do, they can have an important role but its not mtoehring. IMO

Weebo · 09/03/2018 21:42

Do they see you as their 'step-mum' or their dad's wife?

That is not an insult, by the way, it's just how it is with a lot of older step-children.

Do they ever refer to you as their step-mum?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 21:48

That’s lovely honeyroar.

FaFoutis · 09/03/2018 21:51

I'm not a possessive mother. I have had a few stepmothers though. My most recent one could have written the OP and I am very grateful that she was not my stepmother when I was small. She thinks she is a lovely person, but it is clear that she wishes I did not exist. It shows in everything she does and says.

honey you sound like a nice stepmother. I haven't had one of those.

Prettylovely · 09/03/2018 21:51

How lovely honeyroar Smile

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 09/03/2018 22:56

He was single when I met him yellow!! He was not married, he was not in a relationship, he was single with children!!!!!

OP posts:
Beamur · 09/03/2018 23:01

I've never had a card from my SC's and it's never bothered me, they acknowledge my birthday and Christmas, but I'm not their Mum. Mothers Day is for her not me. I have a DD so I don't miss out.

tootiredtospeak · 09/03/2018 23:16

To me this is all about the practi alities of what you do for them and that its a thankless task.
My DS wont give a shit about getting me anything hes a teenager. My baby is 15 months wont have a clue but my 5yr old DS has made me 2 cards and will love to pick me a present.

My point is every child/situation is different but it doesnt sound like they see you as a mothering figure for whatever reason. Cleaning up after them on its own isnt really enough.

Willyoujustbequiet · 09/03/2018 23:17

Blast you are spot on with everything you've said. It's worrying how little thought seems to be given to childrens actual feelings.

Show appreciation if warranted by all means but it's Mother's day not step mothers day. The clue is in the title. If the children don't view you in that role then you have to accept that.

Panandthegang · 10/03/2018 00:26

I'd be devastated if my son bought another woman something on Mother's Day. He has one mother, and that's me. Sorry, but that's the fact. Show appreciation to people in guardian positions (grandmother, aunt, stepmum whoever) but I am his mother and no one else should be recognised on a day that's supposed to be about mothers (if the mother is worthy of the title of course!)

Panandthegang · 10/03/2018 00:36

Oh and I felt this way before I had my son too. I remember a few years ago being at Pils and everyone cooing over how niece had given her new step mum a Mother's Day card (of her own volition or her dads idea I don't know) and everyone rolling their eyes when dbil whispered that niece had to hide it from her mum as her mum wouldn't like it. I thought of course she wouldn't, and felt physically sick.

disneydatknee · 10/03/2018 00:41

I agree with you. You should be acknowledged on mothers day. When my son was very young he had a step mother and I always made an effort to include her (she's not around now a days). But at the time I was very thankful for someone who put my child above everyone else.

ihatetosay · 10/03/2018 03:13

Mothers day is a commercial load of crap

overpriced flowers
expensive Mothers day menus

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 10/03/2018 07:30

Thanks honeyroar, such a great message. I've never wanted to be another mother to them and have never pushed my presence down their throats. The interested "auntie/friend" role is what I would prefer. I've felt pushed somewhat by DP into a parenting role to help him out as he has struggled in the past, so I shoulder most of the responsibilities of their care when we have them, I.e shopping for food, cooking, washing, etc. As I've said if I knew then what I do now I'd have walked away at the beginning. It's a thankless job. My only hope is the older one will become independent soon and we can build on our already improving relationship. DSD and I are not in a good place but time may improve this too.

OP posts:
MrsJonesAndMe · 10/03/2018 07:39

We dropped a little pot of flowers off yesterday for DD's Step mum.

LittleLionMansMummy · 10/03/2018 07:49

I was always careful not to try to assume the role of a mother with my DSDs - they already have one. But dh and DSDs thought it was important to show their appreciation somehow - so I got cards that had 'mother' crossed out and replaced with 'Little' so they said 'happy Little's day' which I thought was lovely. I've known my youngest stepdaughter for most of her life, I've always been around. She knows it can't always have been easy and wants to acknowledge the role I've played in some way.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 10/03/2018 08:02

I have a stepmum who has been all things from nasty imposter to much loved adult friend. As the years have gone by I have begun to buy cards that reflect our relationship as it has developed - the cards never say mum (or even stepmum) but I feel the need to acknowledge the relationship.

I took my partners daughter out yesterday to buy mothers day stuff for her mum. I've been in her life nearly 10 years - she's 50/50 at dad's and mum is recognised as a sort of disney parent (all the good stuff but none of the tricky parenting), we holiday together, I do some of the mundane stuff - taxi-ing, homework, 'childcare' etc. I won't even be acknowledged on Sunday and that really bites.

craigglen · 10/03/2018 08:26

I'm a step mum although my step children are now grown up. I've never received anything from them on Mother's Day and that's fine as I'm not their mum and they have a mum who they love dearly.

It would be nice to be recognised but I don't expect it. I'm not a mum myself and I don't have a mum so it will be just a normal day for me! My mum died many years ago and her cousin was very kind to me and although we didn't live near each other she used to call me every week without fail. It meant a lot and I remember buying her a nice card on Mother's Day although it wasn't a Mother's Day card.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 10/03/2018 08:31

You are not their mum. Should other children you know also buy you things? If children want to buy gifts for mother's day then they will but they have a mother. Loads of you on here would be upset if your children thought of someone else as mum

MrsElvis · 10/03/2018 08:37

My dss always does something my stepsons don't but thy don't bother for their own Mum!

reddington · 10/03/2018 08:54

I absolutely include my step mothers on mother’s day.

Bluelady · 10/03/2018 09:04

Well I'm in the embarrassing position of having to eat my words. I just received a text from my stepdaughter with a picture of a stamped envelope saying "So sorry I missed the post, you should get this on Monday".