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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother's Day for step mums

205 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 09/03/2018 12:23

I'm a step parent to two teenagers. We have the usual ups and downs of family life and although I've never been a natural parent, I do my best for both of them. They spend 50% of their time with us and I do their cooking, cleaning, and other motherly duties for them whilst they're with us. I've never wanted to be their mum, they have a perfectly good one, but I do quite a lot of chores that a mother would do.

My AIBU is to ask if you think it's unreasonable to be recognised in some way on Mother's Day? I don't mean a card, although step mum cards are available,
I don't expect anything but think a small bunch of tulips (for example) would be a nice gesture. Just a token of appreciation on this day. They're teenagers so appreciation is rare!

I've been with their dad for several years and never had anything so not expecting anything this year either. AIBU to be just slightly upset?

OP posts:
LilacClouds · 09/03/2018 13:03

X posts. Your DP needs to step up here and get his DS to start paying something towards the board, now he are earning. Even if it was secretly saved to give back to him for something meaningful in the future like a car or car insurance (not necessary, but some people do this).

I would have a conversation with your DP about it first so you can both agree on a strategy and then think about getting DSs to do the shopping - even if it's not a "big shop" at first.

At 18 I was doing the full family weekly shop, all the household laundry including ironing; cleaning, gardening and studying full time. Also had a part time job.

He definitely won't suffer for going to the shop for basics including his own favourite drinks!

trippingup · 09/03/2018 13:04

I'd be flattered if I got something. But I've never said I'm a stepmum or have that label. I'm daddy's gf who lives with them... I do motherly duties though like buying food, cooking, cleaning, washing etc.

Wheresthebeach · 09/03/2018 13:04

I don't think its unreasonable at all to expect some sort of recognition. If on Mothers Day its not appropriate, or stepping on others feet, then that's fine but somehow, somewhere there needs to be a 'thank you' of sorts.

Talk with your DH. Nobody else is expected to look after children on a daily basis without some sort of thank you. Its basic politeness and one people seem to think step mothers don't deserve.

itsjustmebeingme · 09/03/2018 13:05

It's Mothering Sunday, not Mother's Day.
It's about a mothering figure in your life...that could be anyone, I wish my gran a happy Mothering Sunday

extinctspecies · 09/03/2018 13:07

In the nicest possible way, you are not their Mum - and as you say they have a perfectly good one!

Do they show appreciation for you on your Birthday, and at Christmas?

And are they nice, pleasant people to be around? I think that should be enough.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 09/03/2018 13:08

mothers/Father's Day is awkward for those of us with odd relationships. DSS will be giving a card to his mum who he sees on average once a month if that on a whim, and takes little interest in his upbringing and has contributed fuck all financially since he moved in wit us full time 7 years ago. He'll also have to trawl through the mothers Day cards to find a fairly plain one that reflects her input, I've had to do the same for my dad in the past (honestly try finding a card that doesn't wax lyrical about how much parents do for their kids!). I don't mind, DSS gets me a card too. I do feel sad about missing out on seeing his sports days, school plays and prom night because she nabbed a place first.

VivaKondo · 09/03/2018 13:09

The issue here is with your DP
He should be the one to step up and actually tell his ds that showing appreciation to you for all the things you do for him would be nice.
Actually he (your DP) shouod also do that and show his own appreciation for all the work you do for his ds (it sounds like you have been left with all the day to day work with little involvements from him as if he was your own child. - not that that sort of arrangement is ok even if the child is both yours btw)

blastomama · 09/03/2018 13:11

It's Mothering Sunday, not Mother's Day

No, its not.

LondonCrone · 09/03/2018 13:12

I always send my stepmother flowers and a card on Mother's Day - she helped raise me. But when I was your stepkid's age it wouldn't have occurred to me on my own. Sounds like your DP hasn't discussed your role with them, or helped to smooth out your relationship.

Reading stepparent threads on Mumsnet always depresses me. I love my stepmom, and I hope she doesn't think of me the way you seem to think about your stepkids.

TeeBee · 09/03/2018 13:13

YABU. I wouldn't expect my children to buy a father's day card for my partner as he is not their father. They have a father and he would be offended if they gave my partner a card. Nothing will replace his special position as their father. And so it is with mothers.

DerelictWreck · 09/03/2018 13:13

Why are cooking and cleaning 'motherly duties'?

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 09/03/2018 13:15

Perhaps you and your DH should be talking about why your SS doesn't pay rent or anything towards food and bills, if he's working full time?

It sounds as if you feel you are taking for granted generally - the financial side of that can be discussed fairly dispassionately and is a good place to start, rather than the more subjective emotional stuff which can feel like emotional blackmail.

WopYa · 09/03/2018 13:16

Well, thats the choice you made when you married a man with children

oh piss off with this old bullshit.

No, it's not. The only choice you make is seeing the man in the first place. Nobody knows how much or how little responsibility you'll endup having towards his children. Nobody knows how easy or hard it might be. Nobody knows how much or how little of their own money they will end up spending on their step kids.

Some families have totally separate finances, totally separate lives. Some step parents have minimal influence, some have massive influence. Some get on, some don't. There is no way of knowing what will happen or how things will be when you chose to date a man or woman with children.

Stop rolling out this bullshit of " you knew what you were getting yourself into" - I would bet my wage that if we really did know how things would pan out, that a lot of men with children would be single and remain so until their children were adults.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 09/03/2018 13:20

itsjustmebeingme there is no obligation whatsoever for anyone to use the old fashioned Christian term if they are talking about the secular one, is is patently obviously the case here.

blastomama · 09/03/2018 13:22

oh piss off with this old bullshit

It's called a fact.

The only choice you make is seeing the man in the first place

You don't choose to meet the kids? You don't choose to move in? You don't choose to get married? You don't actively CHOOSE to be a step parent?
Someone just makes you right? Not your choice.
What a load of bollocks.

itsjustmebeingme · 09/03/2018 13:24

Evelyn...
It's just how I see it. Im an atheist and I see it as a day to celebrate the mother figures in my life, that's what I was getting at.
My mother in law did not give birth to me but I still wish her a happy Mother's Day...should I not do this? Bit harsh

iTonya · 09/03/2018 13:24

I'm also a step mother to three teenagers - their dad and I have been together for 4 years, married for one, and having been thoroughly freaked out by some quite aggressive threads on here I've been careful from the start to expect very little, tread on no toes and pitch the level of my involvement at 'interested auntie'. I cook, I wash, I listen, I pick up/drop off, I offer advice when it's asked for. I don't have children myself, so while my DSC's presence in my life has lit it up like fireworks, I'm aware of my total lack of parenting experience and respect those boundaries.

So I was not expecting, on our first Mother's Day together, to be handed a bunch of flowers and a card from all three of them - 'for making Dad so happy, and making our home a happy place'. I know how much they love their mum (a very nice woman), and that she is their mum and I'm their dad's wife, but the fact that'd thought about how to reflect my role in their family in such a sweet and careful way, especially since they know I'd have liked to have children of my own. Since then, they've always included me in Mothers' Day, and will probably never really know what an incredible amount it means to me.

They also get me a card from the dog, since I really AM his primary caregiver... Grin

CurlyRover · 09/03/2018 13:25

YANBU. I'm a stepmum to a 6 year old girl. She's at that age now where it'd probably have to be prompted from Dad but unfortunately he's not very good at things like tokens of appreciation apart from just saying thanks.

Being a stepmum is a thankless job but has it's amazing moments. Just take the small moments and appreciate them. We don't need commercialised thanks, which let's face it is just a way of companies making more money.

LongWavyHair · 09/03/2018 13:27

I'll probably get slated for this but I just kind of see Mother's Day as a special day between me and my children. I've never actually thought to make it about my dsc as well.

CavoliRiscaldati · 09/03/2018 13:27

It would be a nice gesture. I don't understand these posters who are so uptight about Mother's Day, and resent their children doing anything to a non-biological mother, even a grand-mother, auntie or anyone else. I don't get it, who cares, it doesn't take anything from you if your child is loving another adult, the more the merrier. Children don't love their mum any less because they give a gift and a cuddle to someone else.

dontforgetto · 09/03/2018 13:28

You don't mention anything about your relationship with them or about loving them.

For me, Mother's Day is not about the chores a person does, but my relationship with them. I have had a step mum since I was a child, but I have never thought of her in a motherly way. We never lived together, and although I visited regularly, I was rarely able to spend the night. We have a decent enough relationship, but it is very different to the one I share with my mum, or the one my step mum shares with her children.

Honestly, do you love them and consider them to be your children? Because if the answer is no, I don't see why you would expect any recognition on Mother's Day. If yes, I wonder why you wouldn't include that in your OP...

blastomama · 09/03/2018 13:28

It's just how I see it. Im an atheist and I see it as a day to celebrate the mother figures in my life, that's what I was getting at

That's fine for you, but you were telling other people they were wrong, and you don't get to decide that for them.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 09/03/2018 13:33

itsjustmebeingme you can wish whoever you want a happy mother's day. Nobody said otherwise, and that's not what you posted.

You posted "It's Mothering Sunday not Mother's Day" and I disagreed that anyone is obliged to use that Christian terminology when talking about secular events. That's in no way harsh and in no way relevant to who can wish who a happy anything. You're calling it mother's Day yourself now anyway...

Justoneme · 09/03/2018 13:33

I would expect a card and some flowers ... fingers crossed for Sunday Thanks

TheClitterati · 09/03/2018 13:35

YABU to call cooking and cleaning "motherly duties" Shock

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