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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother's Day for step mums

205 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 09/03/2018 12:23

I'm a step parent to two teenagers. We have the usual ups and downs of family life and although I've never been a natural parent, I do my best for both of them. They spend 50% of their time with us and I do their cooking, cleaning, and other motherly duties for them whilst they're with us. I've never wanted to be their mum, they have a perfectly good one, but I do quite a lot of chores that a mother would do.

My AIBU is to ask if you think it's unreasonable to be recognised in some way on Mother's Day? I don't mean a card, although step mum cards are available,
I don't expect anything but think a small bunch of tulips (for example) would be a nice gesture. Just a token of appreciation on this day. They're teenagers so appreciation is rare!

I've been with their dad for several years and never had anything so not expecting anything this year either. AIBU to be just slightly upset?

OP posts:
NeverTwerkNaked · 11/03/2018 22:55

Some step mothers are also ex wives, dealing with their own children having a step mother. My ex is a bit of a twat* so I welcome their step mothers involvement. Their life with him is much nicer since she came along.

NeverTwerkNaked · 11/03/2018 22:55

*understatement

Prettylovely · 11/03/2018 22:57

Yes I am an ex wife too, I dont believe they get as much of a bashing as stepmums tbf.

Chocolaterainbows · 12/03/2018 07:49

There are an amazing amount of bitter women on this friend. I suggest that everyone with children stays single if their relationship breaks down. Seeing as you think that it's OK for the step parent to be treated so poorly.

NeverTwerkNaked · 12/03/2018 08:01

Exactly chocolate
I’m proud of my children, they have totally welcomed both their step parents into their lives. They are appreciative of the new things they bring to their lives and the effort they put in for them. And they take pleasure in choosing gifts for them and writing cards. There is always room in our hearts for more people, it doesn’t lessen the relationships we already have.

FaFoutis · 12/03/2018 10:38

I suggest that everyone with children stays single if their relationship breaks down
I suggest this too. I would.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 12/03/2018 13:47

FaFoutis it doesn't take long for someone on a step parent thread to suggest this, effectively irradiating step parents. Luckily as a whole society has more compassion and empathy to accept step and blended families and allow them to work out their problems exactly like your traditional nuclear family. Where it not for this I would not be married to my husband, his violent alcoholic ex would be continuing to control him and DSS, DSS would not have a stable mother figure in his life and my DS would not exist. People are allowed a life after a marriage ends, even parents.

MysweetAudrina · 12/03/2018 13:58

I am a step mum to two girls aged 23 and 21 and have 3 children of my own aged 25,10,8. Yesterday the 2 younger ones got up and got breakfast for me, helped by dh and brought me up flowers and cards.

My ds comes up to the house for dinner every Sunday and he brought me up a candle and flowers and sweets. During the day I brought my dd to visit my mother for a few hours and when I got home I got 2 really thoughtful texts from my sds wishing me happy mothers days and telling me they loved me.

Each of those gestures made me feel good and the fact that they all thought of me and communicated that to me in some way really made my day.

My sds have a mother and they probably bought her lots and spent the day with her but they still wished me happy mothers day and it really did make me happy.

FaFoutis · 12/03/2018 14:01

It isn't society that suffers when step parents are introduced, economically society benefits from it. One parent families are generally poorer. It's a solution for adults, but often imposed on children.
I'm sure there are some situations where having a step parent is positive (as Mysweet shows), but I wouldn't ever risk it.

Trinity66 · 12/03/2018 14:02

Some step mothers are also ex wives, dealing with their own children having a step mother. My ex is a bit of a twat so I welcome their step mothers involvement. Their life with him is much nicer since she came along.*

haha same here actually, my exes wife is lovely.....don't know how she sticks him though :p

Roomba · 12/03/2018 14:36

My children bought flowers, chocolates and cards for their stepmother (DS2 spent over an hour making a lovely card for her himself). I made absolutely sure they did, reminded them and gave them the money and a lift to sort it.

They live with me but spend a couple of nights a week at their Dad's - she does a lot for them that is above and beyond what most people would expect (good job as their father has his moment of utter uselessness - I note that once again it didn't even occur to him to think of getting her a card from them, despite him having a child with her as well so being well aware if was Mothers Day).

I appreciate how adult and responsible she has been with them since she married their father and how she takes them into consideration constantly, going out of her way often for them. I feel that everyone in the family benefits from us all being amicable and showing our appreciation for each other - not just our children. And I really had to bite my tongue and swallow an awful lot of feelings down when they first got together, for multiple reasons. Glad I did as she's turned out to be a great Stepmum.

NeverTwerkNaked · 12/03/2018 14:37

fafoutis that’s a stupid generalisation. Some actual parents are great, some are dreadful. Same applies to step parents.

FaFoutis · 12/03/2018 16:30

Not the same at all. It is much more complex than that.
Your relationship with your actual parent changes when you get a step parent and that's only one reason why it isn't the same.

Roomba · 12/03/2018 17:16

It's a myth that step parents and blended families are a new phenomenon and somehow a sign of Broken Britain or something. In the past, it was much more common for parents to die while their children were young - and it was much more common for the surviving parent to remarry quickly (out of financial necessity if nothing else, for women and because 'children need a mother' for men who weren't expected to do the day to say childcare). It was reasonably common for this to happen more than once in a family. Society would have been in a real pickle if everyone in Tudor or Victorian times refused to remarry out of principle - you can't say that children never benefit from having additional guiding adults in their lives, surely? It takes a village, and all that?

I can't believe that, given how much of an idiot my ex was/is, other people don't have family relationships as positive as ours - there MUST be parents who get on with their exes and new partners better than I do, frankly! It is different as your children get a bit older, maybe. I would (and did) seethe at the thought of a stepmother caring for my baby, in a way that I wouldn't with a 10yo/teenager who I knew I had a close relationship with no matter who else appeared in their lives.

pawpatrolearworm · 12/03/2018 17:19

there was never so many of them, and there were very few divorces.

NeverTwerkNaked · 12/03/2018 17:23

But many people never actually married pawpatrol ... the majority couldn’t afford to. Let’s not idealise a fictional version of the past.

Roomba · 12/03/2018 17:29

My children love their stepmother and yes, she does things that society would consider 'motherly' (parenty? how sexist is that anyway!) for them. But, even though she has been in their lives since my youngest was just a baby, they are in no way confused and in no way do they feel she is their mother - because I'm their mother. They don't love me a bit less as a result of loving her! There's not a finite amount of love, or no one would have more than one child by that logic. I don't get upset if their grandmother or their aunt or one of my friends does baking or shopping with them, or reads to them at bedtime - I don't think 'I'm their mother, only I am allowed to do that with them or they won't love me as much' Hmm. So it is with their stepmother.

I'm just very glad she likes and loves them and makes such an effort to include them and fill their time there with stability, fun and love. Imagine if she hated them! Though I can't see my ex being keen on anyone that hated his kids anyway, mind.

pawpatrolearworm · 12/03/2018 17:31

But many people never actually married pawpatrol ... the majority couldn’t afford to. Let’s not idealise a fictional version of the past

I'm not sure that's accurate actually. What time period are you referring to and what do you mean by many/minority?

Roomba · 12/03/2018 17:32

FWIW I adore my children's younger half sister too, even though she is technically 'nothing to do with me!' as mentioned upthread. She's still part of mine and my children's lives, a very sweet child and I'm more than happy to babysit when needed. I don't love my own kids less because of that.

FaFoutis · 12/03/2018 17:45

There are enough stepmothers in fairy tales to suggest there's nothing new about difficulties in 'blended' families.

pleasepassthevino · 12/03/2018 18:00

I am a step mum to two children 14 & 10. I got a lovely homemade card from DSD and was very touched. DSS (14) didn't do anything and I respect that. You can't force these things.
I have DD (11) we will go get a small gesture for her SM as a thank you for everything she does for her.

pawpatrolearworm · 12/03/2018 18:04

Nobody has ever claimed it to be a new phenomena.

Greyponcho · 12/03/2018 18:21

As a stepmum myself, I must agree that you do have a choice whether you want to carry on seeing a man with children and take a role in his and their lives, or not.
The key is to realise it’s a package deal and you don’t get to enjoy the same ‘freedoms’ as you would with a childless partner.
Of course you don’t exactly know what it’s going to be like as a stepparent, but if you have a fairly typical upbringing with parents of your own, then surely you have some idea of what it would mean to take on a responsible adult role in the lives of children, having had those role models in your life?
It’s not for everyone- you have to have the capacity to bite your tongue be patient when the bio parents make decisions you wouldn’t have chosen, to be willing to pitch in with adult work (not wife work, not parent work either - shopping, washing and cleaning can be done by those capable 18yr olds too!), make huge compromises (sometimes sacrifices) and sometimes a financial contribution too.

Being a passenger in a relationship with someone with children isn’t going to foster good relationships with the children.

OP, you say you’re not on great terms with DSS at the mo, this sounds like a fairly obvious reason aside from teenagery ‘forgot/ too busy/tired/skint’ why he’d not acknowledge Mother’s Day for you?

SinisterBumFacedCat · 12/03/2018 18:33

If you're going to start using fairytales as a reference for Step Mothers no wonder you're so anti them!

There are many many children and adults who have benefited from having a step parent in their lives, emotionally rather than financially, myself included, especially when the absent parent is lacking. By suggesting that the route of all step/blended families is there status alone, does nothing but stigmatise step families, which leads children to feel ostracised from society.

FaFoutis · 12/03/2018 18:38

Fairytales was in response to someone saying it was or wasn't a myth or something.
Hansel & Gretel is quite useful as a warning though, my father would leave me in the forest if my stepmother told him to (and she would).