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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother's Day for step mums

205 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 09/03/2018 12:23

I'm a step parent to two teenagers. We have the usual ups and downs of family life and although I've never been a natural parent, I do my best for both of them. They spend 50% of their time with us and I do their cooking, cleaning, and other motherly duties for them whilst they're with us. I've never wanted to be their mum, they have a perfectly good one, but I do quite a lot of chores that a mother would do.

My AIBU is to ask if you think it's unreasonable to be recognised in some way on Mother's Day? I don't mean a card, although step mum cards are available,
I don't expect anything but think a small bunch of tulips (for example) would be a nice gesture. Just a token of appreciation on this day. They're teenagers so appreciation is rare!

I've been with their dad for several years and never had anything so not expecting anything this year either. AIBU to be just slightly upset?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 16:28

Well yes someone else but that doesn't mean that the other woman in their fathers lives who does everything for them shouldn't be appreciated surely?

It not as if the OP is expecting everything in the mother place, she's not. Just something to acknowledge that she is thanked for all she does.

causeimunderyourspell · 09/03/2018 16:29

Definitely not being unreasonable. I get my step mum a card. She is an amazing woman and does so much for our DCs. She and my dad got together when siblings and I were adults so hasn't done the Mum thing for us, but she treats my DCs like her own grandchildren. She gets a nanny card too Smilelove her to bits!

blastomama · 09/03/2018 16:30

Well yes someone else but that doesn't mean that the other woman in their fathers lives who does everything for them shouldn't be appreciated surely?

But thats an entirely separate issue to mothers day, isn't it? If they don't appreciate her then that is the issue.

LegoLady95 · 09/03/2018 16:37

I have always bought my step mother a card and flowers on mother's day. I just get a card that says 'Happy mother's day' rather than 'best mum' etc. Same goes for step father on father's day.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 16:38

How is it a different issue? I'm sure they appreciate their mum but still (hopefully) her her something for Mother's Day. It wouldn't hurt to get their step mum a bunch of flowers too. Surely you're not opposed to that?

blastomama · 09/03/2018 16:40

Of course it's a separate issue.
I am not opposed to step kids giving their step mother the moon on a stick if they choose to. It's lovely if they do.
I am very opposed to step kids being told to give their step mother something on Mothers day, when they don't want to. Surely you are too?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 16:45

After reading everything the OP does for them I'm not surprised she's hurt.
Also I'm not sure they don't buy her anything because they don't want to or because they're just being thoughtless and wrapped up in their own little world.

Bluelady · 09/03/2018 16:46

Christmas and birthday is shit, OP, I'd be pissed off too. Mine always remember my birthday. Would you mind about Mothers' Day so much if they recognised yours? Mind you, mine are adults, I don't remember many cards and gifts when they were teens!

blastomama · 09/03/2018 16:46

Yes, but she's hurt because they don't appreciate her. That is the issue.
Flowers on mothers day is beside the point. How would that help...pretend they appreciate her when they don't? Do it to shut their dad up?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 16:49

Yes maybe you're right. I just feel for the OP 🤷‍♀️ Crikey I used to buy my Stepmother a Mother's Day card and she was a cow with a capital C!

olivesnutsandcheese · 09/03/2018 16:52

My DSS lives with us and has since he was 6. He's always been really sweet with a homemade card for mother's Day and some daffs etc. It never occurred to any of us really that we couldn't celebrate Mother's day just because I'm not his birth mother. We've always helped him to get something for his DM although she's fairly ungrateful...think reducing her DS to tears because I had chosen some chocolates for her rather than him. He was at school! Anyway I digress. I would think if step children aren't appreciative of the efforts of their SM then they probably have a DH problem. I mean, it really costs nothing to draw a picture and write dear (insert SM name) thank you for all you do for me. Love from SC. They don't even need to say Happy mother's day if that is a problem.
If teenagers are crap about sorting something out for their step mum then a kick up the wotsit from their DF is required.

Brazenhussy0 · 09/03/2018 16:53

I would bet my wage that if we really did know how things would pan out, that a lot of men with children would be single and remain so until their children were adults.

Amen to that ^

I’m a step-mum but would actually feel pretty awkward if my DSDs got me anything on Mother’s Day. I’m not a parent figure at all, just their Dad’s fiancé and a friendly adult in their lives. They have a mum and a dad already and I wouldn’t want to encourage DP shirking his parenting responsibilities by me taking over them just because I’m the woman closest to him.
They’re not my kids at the end of the day, and not my responsibility.
They’re just my wee buddies :)

We all do things differently though, and YANBU to want to feel appreciated if you do take on a more parental role in your DSC’s life.

Dancingmonkey87 · 09/03/2018 17:00

You only been in their lives for a few years according to your op. I think it would be different if they had been little children growing up alongside you. As others said it’s totally a personal choice if they wish to get you a token gift although it shouldn’t be expected. I’m super close to my auntie my (dm sis) in many ways she’s a second mom took me on holidays,treated me to new clothes etc but I only have one mum and I would only ever buy her a card and flowers on Mother’s Day.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 09/03/2018 17:04

the only choice you make is seeing the man in the first place. Nobody knows how much or how little responsibility you'll endup having towards his children. Nobody knows how easy or hard it might be. Nobody knows how much or how little of their own money they will end up spending on their step kids

But it's still a choice? You are taking a gamble when entering a relationship with a man who has children and you know it. You know that those children may one day want to live with you (or indeed have to live with you because mum dies or is in some other way unable to care for the children). You know that bringing up children costs money. You know - because you talk with your partner - whether or not his financial responsibilities and attitude to money match your own. And anyone with even half a brain in their head knows that step parenting will be anything other than easy.

You have a choice. You accept all that and hope for the best, doing what you can to make it work. Much like any other relationship. Or you walk away. That's a choice.

And what is with all the mysognistic 'women's work' comments, anyway?! Seriously? In 2018 children should be grateful that a woman picks up their dirty washing or bakes them a cake?!

Bumshkawahwah · 09/03/2018 17:07

My DH was encouraged by his dad to recognize his step mum on mother’s day and he resented the hell out of it. They get on just fine, and she’s been in his life since he was 6, but he just doesn’t see her as a mother-type figure to him. Add to that, he felt like his dad often chose his wife over him when he needed him, so there was some bad feeling that his SM wasn’t even aware of.

OP, you talk about you’re SS’s in a very cold manner. Do you feel affection for them? What is coming across, is that you feel you do a lot for them (which I can see that you do) and that you’re entitled to some recognition for that.

TripleB32 · 09/03/2018 17:12

My parents separated when I was 14 and both quickly found new partners. I think in those early years I had a lot of resentment towards my parents so wouldn't have entertained celebrating either of my new step parents on the relevant days.
However as I left my teens I appreciated more and more just how much of a hand my step parents had in caring for me and loving me.
Now, as a 33 year old I would never consider NOT celebrating Mother's Day with my step mum, or Father's Day with my step dad. They get cards and gifts and I spend time with them all.
So OP maybe bide your time and hopefully your step children will come to recognise all that you do and celebrate that in their own way. When they emerge from their teenage fog!! Thanks

iTonya · 09/03/2018 17:15

evelyn & elfin - thank you! I've been lucky though, in that my DH's divorce was straightforward and long before I arrived on the scene. Plus my DSC are sensitive young people - they include me in a day I'd never have got to celebrate otherwise, because even though I make a point of respecting boundaries, they know exactly how much their friendship and trust means to me. A bunch of flowers and a nice card doesn't dilute whatever they give their mum on the day, because she's their mum. But I can see how things could be nightmarishly fraught way more complicated.

OP, from what you've written it feels there's a disconnect between what you want to be recognised for (cleaning, cooking, general skivvying) and what a teenager might feel Mother's Day is about (vaguer emotional gestures of love and connection - because all that domestic stuff is taken care of by fairies at night, right?). If you're projecting 'I'm not your mum' vibes, then that might be why they don't feel it's appropriate to do the cards & flowers. Showing appreciation for your domestic contribution, on the other hand, should be a year-round thing - it's Mothers' Day, not Domestic Drudgery day, although you wouldn't know it from some cards...

YellowMakesMeSmile · 09/03/2018 17:16

You do talk about them like they are a chore and should be eternally grateful that you do stuff for them.

Maybe they only want to celebrate Mother's Day with their actual mother? It's not unreasonable and it would feel very strange to a parent for their child to be buying Mother's Day cards for anybody bar them.

Most step parents have their own children who will always come first in their lives, very few step parents truly don't treat their own and step children any differently. Most seem to resent the children taking up time and resources and refuse to look after them if you read the posts in MN.

NinjagoNinja · 09/03/2018 17:26

You seem to want thanks for duties performed rather than as a recognition of a close personal relationship. Maybe they sense this? I don't see Mother's Day as an opportunity to say thank you for chores performed for me many years ago. It's a day to say you're fab, we appreciate you and want you to feel loved just for who you are. Like a birthday really. It's all a bit daft.

You make it sound a bit more like the teachers' class gift at the end of the year or tipping the milkman.

If you do all this simply because they are you husband's children, then he's the one who needs to thank you - not them. Children don't ask for step-parents. Take it up with him.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2018 17:27

I don’t think YABU. My SDC celebrate mother’s day for me and for their DM. But they’re the same for my birthday and Christmas and they love an occasion.

Last year they made me breakfast in bed and gave me a card and some flowers, they then spent the afternoon at their mum’s and gave her flowers and a card.

It comes from them that I’m another parent figure in their lives, they’re here twice a week and we’re very close.

I’m fond of my own SM and make a fuss for her birthday and Christmas but have never marked Mother’s Day as she’s consciously never been any sort of parent. She’s very clear we’re my dad’s DC and she’s his wife. She’d be horrified by an outpouring of daughterly love and appreciation Grin

Isadora666 · 09/03/2018 19:18

I do their cooking, cleaning, and other motherly duties

Nope those are parenting duties, not motherly duties.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/03/2018 19:19

I'd say not recognizing your birthday or Xmas is another thing entirely. But their dad apparently 'started as he meant to go on' by doing it for them.

WannaBeWonderWoman · 09/03/2018 20:01

Why should your SC 'show appreciation' because you have facilitated their father in not doing his share of household duties relating to his children? Maybe tell your DH to sort them out if you are so resentful?

They were forced into having a relationship with you, you chose it. You are not their Mother. It's Mother's Day. End of.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 20:16

Step Mother's can't win! The OP could refuse to make her stepchildren their lunch and do their washing and what ever else she does for them because as has been pointed out she's not their mother.

But she chooses to because they're part of her family now. A bunch of flowers on Sunday to acknowledge what she does would hurt nobody.

blastomama · 09/03/2018 20:21

Step Mother's can't win! The OP could refuse to make her stepchildren their lunch and do their washing and what ever else she does for them because as has been pointed out she's not their mother

Of course she can. But either way, she isn't their mother. It's not about winning.

A bunch of flowers on Sunday to acknowledge what she does would hurt nobody

you really can't say that. If her step kids think its a day for their mother and no-one else, its not for your or anyone to say they are wrong.