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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mother's Day for step mums

205 replies

Boxingdaydisappoints · 09/03/2018 12:23

I'm a step parent to two teenagers. We have the usual ups and downs of family life and although I've never been a natural parent, I do my best for both of them. They spend 50% of their time with us and I do their cooking, cleaning, and other motherly duties for them whilst they're with us. I've never wanted to be their mum, they have a perfectly good one, but I do quite a lot of chores that a mother would do.

My AIBU is to ask if you think it's unreasonable to be recognised in some way on Mother's Day? I don't mean a card, although step mum cards are available,
I don't expect anything but think a small bunch of tulips (for example) would be a nice gesture. Just a token of appreciation on this day. They're teenagers so appreciation is rare!

I've been with their dad for several years and never had anything so not expecting anything this year either. AIBU to be just slightly upset?

OP posts:
Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 09/03/2018 13:35

iTonya your post is very sweet. You sound mutually delighted with one another!

WopYa · 09/03/2018 13:47

blast maybe you need to look up the word "fact"

of course you do not choose to be a step parent. in fact women on this very thread have said they don't refer to themselves as step parents.

maybe you chose to move in with the man, but what choice do you realistically have if their children then move in? you don't.

you choose to carry on the relationship, but you don't get to choose how it pans out, certainly when children and feelings are involved.

if you think its a choice you are deluded.

Evelynismycatsformerspyname · 09/03/2018 13:48

Boxing 's issue seems to be with being taken for granted by young adult step children though.

I think this could be addressed as a family without making it about mother's Day. Mother's day sounds very much like a symptom or Scape goat for a problem lots of parents, especially mother's regardless of step Ness have at this stage, which is that the children are actually adults or very nearly but haven't been taught / encouraged to act like it within the context of the family. Maybe blending families makes this more likely because of treading on eggshells.

An 18 year old who works should not have another adult doing all his cooking, shopping and cleaning and laundry and not be paying anything towards his Keep.
.Doing all that is not a "motherly duty" if he's an 18 year old without specific health problems or disability.

If his role in the house were adjusted to reflect his age (a 1/3 share of cooking, laundry, shopping and other household tasks if there are 3 adults in the house, and a fair financial contribution based on what he earns, maybe not rent but a share of bills and food) then Boxing might resent him less.

You can't demand flowers and gestures of appreciation without looking petulant, but you can stop doing everything for a capable 1i year old as though he were too young to pull his weight. Even my 12 year old cooks once a week and 10 and 6 year olds have chores like dishwasher and bins.

AcrossthePond55 · 09/03/2018 13:55

You say you've 'been with their dad several years'. I'm sorry to be picking nits but are you actually their step-mum or are you their dad's live in girlfriend/partner? Sorry, but I think that might make a difference in their minds.

'Several' years as a live in partner (or even a wife) will not make you a step-mum/mum figure to his children, especially teenagers. It's appropriate that they express gratitude to you for what you do throughout the year, but not to the level of buying you a card or gift on an occasion marked for mothers/mother figures unless they feel that way about you. They probably don't consider you a 'mum' or even 'like a mum'. Mothering Sunday is more about the emotional ties to one's mum or to one who has 'been like a mother' (emotionally speaking) than it is about gratitude for cooking their meals or picking up after them.

I think you need to let it go. If it doesn't come from the heart then it's a pointless gesture.

Elfintreehuggywugger · 09/03/2018 13:58

itonya that’s lovely!

It’s tough being a step parent. You’ll often get slated, hated and stereotyped with very little appreciation and very little respect too.

However, on the other side of the coin, it must be difficult for step children too. With loyalties towards their bio parent, they perhaps feel that by making their SP’s part of mothers/fathers day that they are somehow betraying their bio parents.

blastomama · 09/03/2018 15:35

blast maybe you need to look up the word "fact"

Nope, thats you

*of course you do not choose to be a step parent. in fact women on this very thread have said they don't refer to themselves as step parents.

Doesn't matter how they refer to themselves. Step parent means the spouse of a parent. If you marry someone with children you ARE a step parent, that is another one of those FACTS that confuse you so

if you think its a choice you are deluded

If you think it could possibly anything other than a choice you are deluded. Apart from situations where they lied and you didn't know the person you were marrying had children, it can't possibly not be a choice.

While you're looking up fact in the dictionary, have a look at choice as well.

TheNaze73 · 09/03/2018 15:38

You’re spot on blast.

Of course step parents get a choice

LeighaJ · 09/03/2018 15:46

I gave gifts and cards to my step-father on father's day when growing up; he had no biological children of his own.

I don't understand people not wanting to show appreciation to the people who helped raise them regardless of blood ties or proximity of those.

blastomama · 09/03/2018 15:49

I don't understand people not wanting to show appreciation to the people who helped raise them regardless of blood ties or proximity of those

Do you understand that other people are not you and have different lives and experiences that colour the way they see things? If so, why so confused?

WopYa · 09/03/2018 15:54

What is that choice?

Man has children so deal with whatever may happen And suck it up or leave?

That's the only choice you realistically have. Stay or go.

WopYa · 09/03/2018 15:56

Oh and a lot of "step parents" aren't married to the child's parent are they.

Bramble71 · 09/03/2018 15:56

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, OP. You're taking care of them and I hope they appreciate you.

I have 2 adult step-kids. My step-son usually sends me a text on Mother's Day and this makes me so happy. Just to know he's thinking of me is enough. I'd love it if my step-daughter did the same, but hey-ho.

Davespecifico · 09/03/2018 15:58

If it hasn’t yet occurred to them, I’d just have to accept the situation. You can’t make them less selfish than they are.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 15:59

I'm not a step mum but I can totally understand why you'd appreciate a card or something on Mother's Day tbh.

I'm surprised your DH hasn't prompted them really.

blastomama · 09/03/2018 16:00

What is that choice

Marry/live with someone with children, or don't.

How is that NOT a choice? What are you even talking about? Confused

Bluelady · 09/03/2018 16:08

I really don't understand why fathers are expected to prompt their kids to do something for a step mother on Mother's Day. If mine had done that the kids would really have resented it I think. I've always been clear I'm not their parent although they refer to my son as their brother.

What matters to me is that we get on, support one another and behave like a family.

Davespecifico · 09/03/2018 16:14

IMO, someone who works hard doing parenting for a child or a step child deserves some appreciation.

If the child is young and doesn’t realise this, the other parent should help them to learn to show their appreciation.

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 09/03/2018 16:15

@wopya I agree with every single word you've said! The choice was meeting the man with children. If I knew then what I know now I wouldn't have! But I was naive and hadn't a clue what I was letting myself in for. I despise that saying "you knew what you were getting into ...." no i didn't!

OP posts:
blastomama · 09/03/2018 16:15

I think the issue there is that you may feel like you deserve the appreciation, but that the children may not. Or may not feel like mothers day is the right time to show it even if they do.
And they are allowed to feel like that.

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 09/03/2018 16:16

Thank you blast. I am also allowed to feel as I do.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 09/03/2018 16:17

Because it's a way of showing appreciation for all that their stet mum does? Bluelady.

Bluelady · 09/03/2018 16:18

But not on Mother's Day because I'm not their mother. Someone else is.

BellyBean · 09/03/2018 16:24

YABU it can be an emotional tangle with step parents over Mother's Day because they have a mother it can feel underhand to celebrate another. It shouldn't be about one day, but how they treat you generally.

My mum died when I was a young teen and my dad expected me to buy my stepmum a card, which I did and hated.

How are you treated on your birthday?

blastomama · 09/03/2018 16:27

Because it's a way of showing appreciation for all that their stet mum does? Bluelady

There are two issues there: 1. if they don't show appreciation in daily life and they need to be told by dad to do it then its meaningless and 2. They may be very appreciative but feel like mothers day is for their mother and n-one else.

I love my MIL very much, she's awesome, I have known her for 30 years and she treats me like one of her children. I would not get her a mothers day card or gift though, and I have perfectly valid reasons for that. It implies no lack of love or appreciation.

Original poster
Boxingdaydisappoints · 09/03/2018 16:27

If I can just repeat what my original post said about a gesture of appreciation not a card or lunch or a full on celebration of Mother's Day, just a token, like a small bunch of tulips.

The step children don't do anything for my birthday or Christmas, their father buys a card and gift and writes on them that they're from them. Lovely thought and I love him to bits for it, but it's not from them.

OP posts: