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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DP to sleep in the spare room

154 replies

Ffab · 21/02/2018 08:30

He's always talked in his sleep but last night for the first time he grabbed me hard by the shoulder twice. After he let go I looked over at him, he was fast asleep with a frown on his face.

Things are not good between us and he is moving out at the end of this month.

With one exception, in the seven years we have been together he has never done anything that could be described as violent

On that occasion, three years ago, I thought he was hugging me from behind. His left arm was around my torso and his right arm was around my neck. When I said "you're squeezing my windpipe", he replied "I know" and kept his arm there for a few seconds while whispering in my ear "Don't go in my toolbox". (I had borrowed money that he kept there and forgotten to replace it.)

It took months of Relate counselling before we got back from that.

With just seven days to go AIBU to ask him to sleep in the spare room until he moves out?

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 21/02/2018 08:35

YANBU if that's what would make you more comfortable and feel safe then that's what you need to tell him.

Lucisky · 21/02/2018 08:39

I can't understand why you are still sharing a bed if your relationship has finished and he is on the point of moving out.

Shoxfordian · 21/02/2018 08:42

Yes why are you sharing a bed if your relationship is finished? Def ask him to go in the spare room or go yourself. Also consider a lock for the door, he sounds like he could easily be violent again.

TheViceOfReason · 21/02/2018 08:49

Was he asleep or pretending to be?

Honestly, help yourself. You've split up with him, he's moving out, he has a history of violence - you have a spare room - but you are still sharing a bed?

Original poster
Ffab · 21/02/2018 08:51

He doesn't think the relationship has finished. I agreed that we can still go on dates etc, but in all honesty I did this to get him to move out. We have not been getting on for a while.

OP posts:
Snowysky20009 · 21/02/2018 08:51

Why are you still sharing a bed??

Snowysky20009 · 21/02/2018 08:52

So you are giving him a false belief that things may work out?

Nikephorus · 21/02/2018 08:52

Why don't you sleep in the spare bed?

SoupDragon · 21/02/2018 08:53

TBH, I would just go and sleep in the spare room myself. It’s probably easier.

Original poster
Ffab · 21/02/2018 08:56

TheViceOfReason

He was asleep. He has often talked in his sleep and sometimes flailed about, but this is the first time he has physically grabbed me.

When you put it like that it does seem obvious. I have asked him to sleep in the spare room until he moves out. I am counting the days.

OP posts:
Laiste · 21/02/2018 08:59

If you must live together for the last few days then either ask him to sleep in the spare room or you go there.

Be careful.

Original poster
Ffab · 21/02/2018 09:00

Snowysky20009
So you are giving him a false belief that things may work out?
Part of me thinks that they could work out. He has no friends and I feel sorry for him. He has talked about being alone and I know that he is depressed (he lost his job a few months ago). I still care about him and I suppose I want to let him down gently.

OP posts:
Laiste · 21/02/2018 09:02

My XH turned violent three days before i left the home. The exact leaving day was arranged a month in advance and we were in separate beds for ages before that.

I've read on here that the last days of an organised split can be dangerous for a woman. In my experience that came true. AND my XH had no previous for violence.

Maatsuyker · 21/02/2018 09:02

If he truly does these things in his sleep then it would be safer if you sleep in the spare room. You don't want him sleepwalking back to his own bed and attacking you.

Original poster
Ffab · 21/02/2018 09:03

Laiste
Be careful
Thank you. If I'm honest I am a little afraid of him. I thought I knew him so well but the are things he has done recently (not related to violence) that have lead me to question this.

OP posts:
Inertia · 21/02/2018 09:05

Tbh it sounds as if he was pretending to be asleep on both occasions, to attempt to cover his violence if you went to the police.

He sounds dangerous.

ScattyCharly · 21/02/2018 09:07

Do you have kids with him?
He sounds scary.

Inertia · 21/02/2018 09:08

You can't build a long-term relationship out of pity.

Once he's gone, change the locks.

Original poster
Ffab · 21/02/2018 09:10

Laiste
Again, thank you. I'm trying hard to draw a line between reasonable precautions and paranoia.

I know that the last few days before an agreed separation are the most dangerous for the woman.

In the couple of hours between him grabbing me and his waking up naturally, I laid there worrying and thinking about everything I know about domestic violence.

Maatsuyker. You're right. I should go to the spare room.

OP posts:
Laiste · 21/02/2018 09:11

Well the best advice would be to leave the house and return when he's gone.

I know life isn't straightforward so i think the best thing you can do is get a few bits together (phone, charger, bit of cash, bank book, coat, snacky food for evenings) stash it in the spare room and spend as much time as possible in there for the next few days. And stick a doorstop under the door your side while you're in there.

It does sound alarmist but after my experience it's what i'd advise a mate to do Flowers

Original poster
Ffab · 21/02/2018 09:15

Inertia
The arm around the neck incident was not while he was asleep. It was during the day and he knew exactly what he was doing. That is why the "I know," was so chilling.

Again, not trying to be paranoid but full disclosure: he is ex-navy 6'3" and I'm 5'3".

OP posts:
Mary1935 · 21/02/2018 09:19

Has he got somewhere else to live and has he secured it with a deposit.
I understand your position. You are a little scared of him. I was the same with my ex.
Can you stay with a friend for the last few nights - or have you someone that could stay with you -he may not go willingly. He's menacing and although the he was sleeping it could well be his anger seeping out. Stay safe.

TheViceOfReason · 21/02/2018 09:20

Fit a bolt, use a door stop or put a chair / piece of furniture across the inside of the door when you go to bed.

saladdays66 · 21/02/2018 09:23

Creepy fucker (the toolbox thing).

Agree with others. Move out to the spare room or move out entirely. Make it clear your relationship is over. Could you stay with a (big strong male) friend?

Blaablaablaa · 21/02/2018 09:24

Reading this gave me chills. Please consider leaving for your own safety. It may sound overly dramatic but i had a friend in a similar situation. She wouldn't leave because it was her house and she was convinced he wouldn't hurt her ( she thought he might hurt himself but not her) well he did...he killed her in her sleep because he couldn't cope with the fact she didn't want to be with him anymore.
Please just leave or make him leave and change the locks.

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