AIBU to ask DP to sleep in the spare room

[Ffab]

He's always talked in his sleep but last night for the first time he grabbed me hard by the shoulder twice. After he let go I looked over at him, he was fast asleep with a frown on his face.

Things are not good between us and he is moving out at the end of this month.

With one exception, in the seven years we have been together he has never done anything that could be described as violent

On that occasion, three years ago, I thought he was hugging me from behind. His left arm was around my torso and his right arm was around my neck. When I said "you're squeezing my windpipe", he replied "I know" and kept his arm there for a few seconds while whispering in my ear "Don't go in my toolbox". (I had borrowed money that he kept there and forgotten to replace it.)

It took months of Relate counselling before we got back from that.

With just seven days to go AIBU to ask him to sleep in the spare room until he moves out?

It might be safer to move out entirely until he's gone. Is he definitely going to leave do you think?

"The arm around the neck incident was not while he was asleep."

Christ!

After four yrs of knowing you he did that?

Just because you forgot to replce some money??

Do you really think that he will go?

And if he does the constant pestering to keep seeing you in the hope of working things out?

In all honesty I'm worried for you.

ScattyCharly
No we don't have kids. Thanking my lucky stars about that as in the early days he really wanted kids and it almost became a deal breaker (I've have two adult DC's and he has a 15 y/o DC from a previous relationship).

I don't think he deals with his feelings very well. I had to have a word with him on more than one occasion about his road rage.

Do you have somewhere else to stay? If you were my friend irl I would be insisting you stayed with me until your ex had moved out.

Please stay safe. It's not your job to fix his life.

Not quite the same I know as DH and I are very happy - but we don't share a bed to sleep anyway for this reason.

I have a sleep disorder (diagnosed in hospital sleep study) which means I kick, punch, act out dreams as well as talking. I have really hurt my DH in the past from lashing out. It is completely outside of my control and caused by abnormal dream wave sleep patterns for which there is no "cure". So we sleep separately now pretty much all of the time.

As you are splitting up then clearly it makes sense to not share a bed anyway - but even if you were staying together I'd very much recommend separate rooms. We tried to sleep together for 3 years before realising that we were both suffering and stressed. We are much happier people now! I am not a violent person at all but very violent in my sleep. It is made worse by stress although to some extent I do it all of the time. So the sleeping part of it he probably can't help and has no control over. However the sleep clinic told me that in some cases it can lead to psychosis. As your DP is ex-Navy he may well have deeper issues.

Obviously there is much more to your situation, good luck and do whatever you need to be safe.

Ah sorry, I misunderstood.

Did you go to the police about that incident? I'm not sure that you've fully processed how dangerous this man is. Is there any way of making him move out sooner?

If this is real, it is very scary.

Is there a friend you can stay with for a few days until he’s gone?

diddl

It's not exactly in his defence but he had asked me not to go into the box a couple of times before. I only borrowed the money in extremis and had got some more out of the bank just didn't put it back before he noticed it was missing.

I'm reading back what I've just written above and even to me it reads like a victim of domestic violence in denial. Shit.

Please leave. I am really scared for you.

I’m wary of commenting as I’m not a domestic abuse expert.

However in your shoes I actually wouldn’t do anything so near to moving out. Especially as you’ve said you had to give him hope to get him to go. Separate beds could antagonize?

I’d concentrate on your safety and making his move out as calm as possible. Contact women’s aid from someone else’s phone.

Oh my heart goes out to you. Ive had some experience of this in my past and I really would recommend leaving now and not waiting for those last few days. they aren't going to be a nice last few days, you know that. You are safest to leave now. you feel scared and that is NO way to live, even in the spare room. do you really think you will sleep well if he's in the house after what happened last night?
Get some things together and go. don't risk your safety
sending you love and strength
Take care

Just go OP. Seriously, I would offer a room to a passing acquaintance in these circumstances. Take yourself off, and let him come to terms with it on his own. He's going to have to eventually, and the advantage of you giving him space is that it also keeps you safe.

I think you carrying on going on dates, sleeping in the same beds, will give him that thought that you aren't going to split up. However, I CAN understand why you are doing it. But honestly I think it will make things worse for you.
I agree with PP's, do you have a friends you could go and stay with? Does he have anything in place with regards to where he is going to stay at the end of the month? I do belive you are in a very vulnerable place right now.

Inertia.
No I didn't go to the police.

In the immediate aftermath of the "neck" incident he was smiling as if it was a joke. We were on our way out to the pictures.

The whole thing lasted less than a minute so it didn't really sink in at the time what had happened.

It was only when I couldn't stop shaking at the cinema that I realised something was badly wrong. When we got home we talked and I insisted that we go for counselling.

It took about a fortnight before he realised I was serious about the counselling and he made the appointment for us with Relate. We saw a counsellor for 4 months.

Do you honestly think he will move out?

In your position I would be moving somewhere else for the next few days. I know this may make it easier for him to refuse to move out but it doesn't sound like he's the sort of man to take this in his stride anyway.

I think your number 1 priority just has to be safety with this man.

theunsure
He is diagnosed with narcolepsy and cannot function properly without daily medication. The talking and flailing in his sleep are symptoms of this according to his neurologist. He puts his angry outbursts down to permanent tiredness and needing the adrenaline of getting angry to stay awake.

I'd always excused it for this reason.

But one thing is for sure, even without all the responses above I do feel scared. I have been second guessing myself and trying to work out of it is reasonable to feel scared.

You really need to get out, I can feel it in my bones.

Please go and stay with a friend until he's moved out OP. Have someone with you when you tell him you're leaving and also when you return - have new barrels ready to change the locks.

I'm really worried about your safety.

I feel like I'm walking, and thinking (through treacle) here.

I think my subconscious is telling me that something is wrong but my conscious mind is trying to rationalize myself out of it.

A few days ago I updated my will, (had previously left the house to him but changed that to my DC's) got it witnessed at work and gave a copy of it to my daughters but didn't tell DP about it.

In hindsight I'm obviously worried about how he will react.

Take care OP, the end of a relationship is the peak time for fatal violence.

There is also a proven strong correlation between a history involving choking and attempted chokings (as opposed to other forms of violence) and the eventual homicide or attempted homicide. Please google it, it’s part of police training to escalate domestic violence cases involving choking because it is so much more likely to involve a fatality in the future.

I also don’t believe he was asleep. He is a bully, trying to scare you because he senses that he is losing control of you.

Can you stay somewhere else until he is gone?

Don’t worry about ‘leading him on’ with promises of dating nd continuing the relationship after he moves out. Say what you have to say to stay safe and get him out the door.

I’m sorry you’re going through this.

Oh god OP, I just read more of your answers.

Leave leave leave leave.

I work with Domestic violence victims. You are in danger.

Pack everything essential that you can fit into your usual handbag (passport, phone etc) say you are going to do something that you usually do, and then do not come back until he is gone.

Go to your local police station and tell them that you are in the process of ending a relationship with a partner who has been violent. Make them aware of who he is and where you live. They will advise you. They will know to escalate any calls you might have to make over the next few weeks.

Return with friends in case he has waited for you. Change your locks.

Also change all your passwords and log out of any accounts on shared devices. People often forget to do that.

Run. Like. Fuck.
Or better still, have him escorted out by the police.