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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DP to sleep in the spare room

154 replies

Ffab · 21/02/2018 08:30

He's always talked in his sleep but last night for the first time he grabbed me hard by the shoulder twice. After he let go I looked over at him, he was fast asleep with a frown on his face.

Things are not good between us and he is moving out at the end of this month.

With one exception, in the seven years we have been together he has never done anything that could be described as violent

On that occasion, three years ago, I thought he was hugging me from behind. His left arm was around my torso and his right arm was around my neck. When I said "you're squeezing my windpipe", he replied "I know" and kept his arm there for a few seconds while whispering in my ear "Don't go in my toolbox". (I had borrowed money that he kept there and forgotten to replace it.)

It took months of Relate counselling before we got back from that.

With just seven days to go AIBU to ask him to sleep in the spare room until he moves out?

OP posts:
Fletchasaurus · 21/02/2018 15:36

Well done for going to the police and getting yourself safe, I was concerned for you reading your post. I know this cannot have been easy but you have definitely made the right decision to not put yourself in the line of his fire. Thinking of you Flowers

Laiste · 21/02/2018 15:55

Ah so the house becomes yours at the end of the month.

Right. One week. Can you go and live the main part of the days and nights with someone else for the next 8 days? 'Helping your mum', 'helping a mate'?

If not can you say that's where you're doing and just set yourself up in a Travelodge for sleep and evening meals till then?

Once the house is yours back in there and change the locks. Let him in for his stuff amicably enough but make sure there's someone else in there with you for that.

woosey35 · 21/02/2018 16:10

Have you told him yet that you’re not coming home tonight?

Nikephorus · 21/02/2018 16:10

Have to admit I'd read the neck incident as recent, not 3 years ago. If he's not been violent since then I'd be content with the spare room & say it's on the grounds of him moving about in his sleep. I'd definitely be changing all the locks when he moves out though.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 21/02/2018 16:49

Very well done OP, don't go back Sweet, please.

ArchchancellorsHat · 21/02/2018 17:29

Don't go back till he's gone, and don't go alone when you do. He knows exactly what he's doing.

Mishappening · 21/02/2018 17:33

This has to be a joke - you are splitting up at the end of the month but he is still in your bed!? Are you crazy!!??

By the way - acting out dreams while still asleep can be an early symptom of Parkinsons Disease.

SilverBirchTree · 21/02/2018 20:39

Well done OP! Stay safe.

Also some men download ‘find my phone’ and other apps without telling their spouses. Check your devices very carefully.

LeighaJ · 21/02/2018 21:01

I don't see the Recent talking or grabbing so much as a reason to ask as I do the fact that you all are splitting. As others suggested though it may be easier for you to simply sleep in the spare room instead, less confrontational.

LeighaJ · 21/02/2018 21:09

If you're feeling scared he may hurt you but aren't wanting to press charges for the previous incident then ask him to leave. Don't be alone with him when you ask that.

Not saying you shouldn't press charges if you want to but I know some people might prefer not to since it would be difficult to prove after so much time has passed. Or maybe you meant for the recent grabbing but that sounded like a sleep fit not intentional violence.

Original poster
Ffab · 21/02/2018 21:19

LeighaJ

If you're feeling scared he may hurt you but aren't wanting to press charges for the previous incident then ask him to leave. Don't be alone with him when you ask that.

Not saying you shouldn't press charges if you want to but I know some people might prefer not to since it would be difficult to prove after so much time has passed.

When I spoke to the police officer today she said, in relation to the incident three years ago, "we'd have had him for that."

I also saw a counsellor this afternoon who said that the previous incident was domestic violence and she suggested I leave. I am at my daughter's tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ffab · 21/02/2018 21:21

woosey35
Yes I've told him I'm out with my daughter tonight and will stay over at her house.

OP posts:
speakout · 21/02/2018 21:26

Stay safe OP.

Original poster
Ffab · 21/02/2018 21:33

Silver Brich Tree
Pack everything essential that you can fit into your usual handbag (passport, phone etc) say you are going to do something that you usually do, and then do not come back until he is gone.

Part of me thinks you are being alarmist but part of me recognises that you might have a point. I think I'm n shock that I didn't put two and two together. Anyhow. I've left, I'm at my daughters and I wont be going back unaccompanied until he moves out.

OP posts:
Midnightpony · 21/02/2018 21:43

Ive been reading this thread, so relieved you're at your DD's. So easy to tell yourself you're being dramatic and to go home, I'm so glad you listened to your inner voice and are staying away. Stay safe

Arborea · 21/02/2018 21:44

That's good Ffab. Please keep us posted on how you get on.

I can believe that your ex mightn't consciously set out with a plan to hurt you, but it seems like he might have poor self control 'in the moment' and I wouldn't want you to be in the line of fire as it were.

Original poster
Ffab · 21/02/2018 21:55

Midnightpony Thank you. It's hard when you re-evaluate a relationship in the cold hard light of day.

When I spoke to a counsellor today I recalled an incident where he got so annoyed (at what I can't remember) in the car that he started clipping the wing mirrors of cars we were passing (he also drives too fast). I had to ask him to stop and calm down.

It was the look on the counsellors face that got me when she asked me if I wasn't scared. Given that it was cars on my side of the road that were being clipped I was scared. But it's frightening how one can normalise that kind of behaviour and get used to it.

In an earlier post I've stated that he has never been violent towards me other than today and three years ago. I hadn't event considered the scarily fast driving and the road rage as abuse.

OP posts:
jigsawpiece · 21/02/2018 21:56

Once the house is yours change all the locks immediately. Dont forget any garage entrances etc.

snabigailflagstabble · 21/02/2018 22:23

WHY are you still in bed together Confused it's not worth the risk. if i were you i'd quietly and calmly go elsewhere until he is gone.

worriedaboutthis23 · 21/02/2018 22:40

Jesus Christ. I have never, ever been as speechless reading a thread.

I was going to comment saying I cannot believe that your initial post about your partner wrapping his arm around your throat didn’t cause every poster to tell you to run like the wind and keep away until he is out of that house and every lock is changed.

I'm in the reception of the police station. I’ve never been as pleased to see an update. It’s seriously impossible to be ‘alarmist’ about this situation. The man threatened you with strangulation because you borrowed some money.

Get out and please Christ don’t be drawn back in or, frankly, you’ll end up dead.

theWarOnPeace · 21/02/2018 22:49

Just RTFT with my heart in my mouth. I’m so glad you’re at your daughter’s house. He sounds like a monster, all of it. I just want to echo everything that pps have said, he is an abuser, stay away and do not be convinced by any kind of sad acts that he puts on. I had an ex in my very early twenties that was similar in the sense of having no real friends or family, easily depressed, no job etc and so he was heavily invested in me and our relationship. We agreed to split after he was aggressive (and of course so sorry), he was sad and initially threatened suicide, but he eventually agreed that he couldn’t force me to stay and that it was all his fault... Just a couple of days before he was due to move into his own place, I walked in after a long day on a work course that was running for a few days. When I walked into the room he went absolutely bonkers, smashed the place up and attacked me. Police were called by neighbours, and turned up banging on the door while he was dragging me all over the place. I think he was only cautioned, as far as I remember - he certainly didn’t go to prison, and I went back on my course the next day with a black eye and red blotches all over my face. I told the tutor what had happened, as it wasn’t my shame, it was the ex’s. Your story reminded me of that, this idea of a gentle and amicable split with someone who is violent and threatening. I don’t think it would work with someone meek and mild, let alone someone who has form for reacting violently. The road rage stuff is typical it seems, for this kind of man. Control and intimidation.

MrsDilber · 21/02/2018 22:54

Can't, for the life of me, understand why you still share a bed.

If he won't go in the spare room for the next 7 days, you could, it's obviously worrying you and it would worry me too.

It sounds like you are trying to keep him sweet until he is actually moved out, if it makes it easier to get rid of quietly, I don't blame you. He sounds a bit sinister.

CheshireChat · 21/02/2018 23:20

Also, even if you're completely wrong and this is entirely pointless... Well, you haven't really lost anything have you? You'll have to take your daughter and mate out for a meal to say thanks and that's about it.

However, if you're right then it doesn't bear thinking about what could've happened.

Idontdowindows · 21/02/2018 23:41

I have read your entire thread and I am so, so glad you are not in the house. Please do not, at any point, go back there alone. Even when he's gone or supposed to be gone, go back there with other people accompanying you and do not stay there alone until you have changed all the locks and ensured the house is safe.

ADishBestEatenCold · 21/02/2018 23:57

"He came up to me just now and asked me if I was upset I said yes he hugged me and said "I'm sorry my night-time antics upset you," and added, "I would never be a threat to you."

How did he know, OP? How did he know about his "night-time antics"?

Did you tell him when he woke up a couple of hours later? Or did you tell him between him waking and you going for your shower?

If you didn't tell him, he was awake.