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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DP to sleep in the spare room

154 replies

Ffab · 21/02/2018 08:30

He's always talked in his sleep but last night for the first time he grabbed me hard by the shoulder twice. After he let go I looked over at him, he was fast asleep with a frown on his face.

Things are not good between us and he is moving out at the end of this month.

With one exception, in the seven years we have been together he has never done anything that could be described as violent

On that occasion, three years ago, I thought he was hugging me from behind. His left arm was around my torso and his right arm was around my neck. When I said "you're squeezing my windpipe", he replied "I know" and kept his arm there for a few seconds while whispering in my ear "Don't go in my toolbox". (I had borrowed money that he kept there and forgotten to replace it.)

It took months of Relate counselling before we got back from that.

With just seven days to go AIBU to ask him to sleep in the spare room until he moves out?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ffab · 23/02/2018 23:35

Bumdishcloths Thank you for this I really don't think he's that bad but I am still not taking any chances. I'm spending the next two nights at a friend's house 100 miles away from home. I feel I have a long road ahead but at least I'm on the road.

OP posts:
lucylouuu · 24/02/2018 19:34

ADishBestEatenCold
He came up to me just now and asked me if I was upset I said yes he hugged me and said "I'm sorry my night-time antics upset you," and added, "I would never be a threat to you."

How did he know, OP? How did he know about his "night-time antics"?

Did you tell him when he woke up a couple of hours later? Or did you tell him between him waking and you going for your shower?

If you didn't tell him, he was awake.

^^ good point

expatinscotland · 24/02/2018 19:53

Please do not go back to this man or go in his presence without people around. I don't think he was sleeping at all. You are in a very dangerous situation. Hope you take the advice given on here.

RandomMess · 24/02/2018 19:54

Hope you're ok Thanks

FranticallyPeaceful · 24/02/2018 19:57

Sounded like he was pretending. Recalling real life situations like that isn’t what you’d expect from somebody sleep talking... it’s usually random, jumbled, may have names but not actual situations.

Don’t sleep with him

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 26/02/2018 08:29

Don't question yourself now!! ... He may not be 'that bad'.... These men are very good at the nasty /charming cycle, so you constantly question yourself.

Sadly, hospitals and cemeteries are full of women that thought their abusive partners, weren't 'too bad'...

Well done on how far you've comeFlowers

OliviaStabler · 26/02/2018 15:17

Hi OP

How are you today?

Twocatsonebaby · 26/02/2018 15:53

Do it! I used to hit my old dp through night terrors ptsd but he's strong enough to defend himself and just brushed it off understandingly but the tool box thing.. I'd refuse to sleep next to him

woosey35 · 01/03/2018 22:56

Op - how are you doing?? X

ohfourfoxache · 01/03/2018 23:17

Holy shit Sad

I hope you’re ok and that he’s gone

Felinefancier · 03/03/2018 09:57

Hi everyone so sorry I haven't posted for a while things have been a bit hectic

He moved out on Monday although he refuse to give back his key we're still arguing about money but I can at least sleep at night.

RandomMess · 03/03/2018 10:26

Get the locks changed today, front and back. You tube shows you how Thanks stop speaking to him tell him to email instead.

PhuntSox · 03/03/2018 11:23

Do you think he intends to use the key? Is that why he kept it?

Motoko · 03/03/2018 14:12

Have you changed the locks yet? Even if he gives the key back, he could very easily have had it copied.
Changing the locks is absolutely necessary. Don't put it off.

woosey35 · 04/03/2018 22:12

Please change the locks Op.
well done on staying strong. You must be exhausted! X

TheMaddHugger · 04/03/2018 22:41

@Felinefancier good to hear from you OP

((((((Hugs)))))))

mickeysminnie · 04/03/2018 23:04

Does he still want to play poker for a living?

saphira1308 · 04/03/2018 23:45

Hope your OK op. Please change the locks asap, there no reason why he needs a key still if your buying him out of his share of house.

Felinefancier · 05/03/2018 11:30

mickeysminnie

Yes when I've spoken to him recently he's talked about spending all day 'working', by which he means playing poker. He even had the gall to send me a photo via WhatsApp of a stack of chips because he's now playing live at casinos again (having sold his motorbike to get some cash). He was surprised when I told him not to send me pictures of his poker chips. "I thought you'd be interested to know that I was winning." FFS!

TheViceOfReason · 05/03/2018 12:06

Change the locks - a new barrel is cheap and easy to do.

ohfourfoxache · 05/03/2018 12:10

He really is deluded - WTF makes him think you’d be even remotely interested?

RandomMess · 05/03/2018 12:42

He doesn't recognise that the relationship is over, change locks and block him!!!

saphira1308 · 05/03/2018 12:59

I agree with ohfourfoxache and RandomMess, I would also change any phone numbers you have so he can't contact you.

SilverBirchTree · 11/03/2018 09:01

@Ffab OP, how are you now?

Felinefancier · 12/03/2018 05:20

@SilverBirchTree. Thank you for getting in touch. I'm frustrated and not sleeping well but getting there. He's out but we're arguing over money. Just biding my time until the new title deeds come through in a couple of weeks then I'll tell him to 'do one'.

Saw a therapist who diagnosed me with PTSD. Makes it very hard for you to accurately assess what is happening to you. You notice the red flags but downplay their importance.