AIBU to ask DP to sleep in the spare room

[Ffab]

He's always talked in his sleep but last night for the first time he grabbed me hard by the shoulder twice. After he let go I looked over at him, he was fast asleep with a frown on his face.

Things are not good between us and he is moving out at the end of this month.

With one exception, in the seven years we have been together he has never done anything that could be described as violent

On that occasion, three years ago, I thought he was hugging me from behind. His left arm was around my torso and his right arm was around my neck. When I said "you're squeezing my windpipe", he replied "I know" and kept his arm there for a few seconds while whispering in my ear "Don't go in my toolbox". (I had borrowed money that he kept there and forgotten to replace it.)

It took months of Relate counselling before we got back from that.

With just seven days to go AIBU to ask him to sleep in the spare room until he moves out?

"When I spoke to the police officer today she said, in relation to the incident three years ago, "we'd have had him for that."

Maybe they still could. Did you and he not discuss that incident with a counsellor, together at relate?

Really pleased you are out of the house. Good luck op.

OP I breathed a huge sigh of relief when you posted that you were at the Police station and I agree with the above poster regarding him 'apologising' for his antics last night. That chilled me and I was so worried for you.

Stay safe and far away. Is it possible to request an escort from a PCSO or a domestic violence might be able to suggest the best way of returning to your house and changing the locks without putting yourself in danger. I'm also slightly worried about him following through with selling you his share of the property. Please flag the situation to your solicitor so that they know what they might be dealing with. Good luck and stay safe x

BTW, you don't need a locksmith to change most locks. Have a look on YouTube for videos showing how to do it. It's usually just a case of using a screwdriver to undo the screws in the barrel, popping it out, and replacing it with a new barrel.
You can buy barrels at places like B&Q for about £10-£20.

Please leave now. You are living with an abuser who is angry that you are about to separate from him. And read the following:

PERSONALIZED SAFETY PLAN FOR VICTIMS OF ABUSE:

Your safety is the most important thing. Listed below are tips to help keep you safe.

IF YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP, think about...

---Having important phone numbers nearby for you and your children. Numbers to have are the police, hotlines, friends and the local shelter.
---- Friends or neighbors you could tell about the abuse. Ask them to call the police if they hear angry or violent noises. If you have children, teach them how to dial 999. Make up a code word that you can use when you need help.
---How to get out of your home safely. Practice ways to get out.
---Safer places in your home where there are exits and no weapons. If you feel abuse is going to happen try to get your abuser to one of these safer places.
----Any weapons in the house. Think about ways that you could get them out of the house.
----Even if you do not plan to leave, think of where you could go. Think of how you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house - taking out the trash, walking the pet or going to the store. Put together a bag of things you use everyday (see the checklist below). Hide it where it is easy for you to get.
----Going over your safety plan often.

IF YOU CONSIDER LEAVING YOUR ABUSER, think about...

---Four places you could go if you leave your home.
---People who might help you if you left. Think about people who will keep a bag for you. Think about people who might lend you money. Make plans for your pets.
---Keeping change for phone calls or getting a cell phone.
---Opening a bank account or getting a credit card in your name.
--- How you might leave. Try doing things that get you out of the house - taking out the trash, walking the family pet, or going to the store. Practice how you would leave.
---How you could take your children with you safely. There are times when taking your children with you may put all of your lives in danger. You need to protect yourself to be able to protect your children.
---Putting together a bag of things you use everyday. Hide it where it is easy for you to get.

ITEMS TO TAKE, IF POSSIBLE

Children (if it is safe)
Money
Keys to car, house, work
Extra clothes
Medicine
Important papers for you and your children
Birth certificates
Social security cards
School and medical records
Bankbooks, credit cards
Driver's license
Car registration
Welfare identification
Passports, residence permits, work permits
Lease/rental agreement
Mortgage payment book, unpaid bills
Insurance papers
Divorce papers, custody orders, personal protection order from the courts.
Address book
Pictures, jewelry, things that mean a lot to you
Items for your children (toys, blankets, etc.)

1. Think about reviewing your safety plan often.

IF YOU HAVE LEFT YOUR ABUSER, think about...

---Your safety - you still need to.
---Getting a mobile phone.
---Getting a personal protection order from the court. Keep a copy with you at all times. Give a copy to the police, people who take care of your children, their schools and your boss.
----Changing the locks. Consider putting in stronger doors, smoke and carbon monoxide detectors, a security system and outside lights.
----Telling friends and neighbors that your abuser no longer lives with you. Ask them to call the police if they see your abuser near your home or children.
----Telling people who take care of your children the names of people who are allowed to pick them up. If you have a personal protection order protecting your children, give their teachers and babysitters a copy of it.
----Telling someone at work about what has happened. Ask that person to screen your calls. If you have a personal protection order that includes where you work, consider giving your boss a copy of it and a picture of the abuser. Think about and practice a safety plan for your workplace. This should include going to and from work.
----Not using the same stores or businesses that you did when you were with your abuser.
----Someone that you can call if you feel down. Call that person if you are thinking about going to a support group or workshop.
----Safe way to speak with your abuser if you must. Preferably in a public place.
----Going over your safety plan often.

WARNING: Abusers try to control their victim's lives. When abusers feel a loss of control - like when victims try to leave them - the abuse often gets worse. Take special care when you leave. Keep being careful even after you have left.

I've read the whole thread and I'm relieved that you are out of the house. I sent the previous message before reading the whole thread because I was appalled that you were sharing a bed with him.
Still, parts of what I shared before will come in handy. Good luck to you.

For those suggesting additional security on bedroom door, these locks are excellent. My children have had them for uni accommodation and we take them with us for stays in hotels.
www.amazon.co.uk/Howsar-Quick-Twin-Lock-Pack/dp/B009RM7XT8/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=HOTEl+door+locks&dpID=41R5sZRXPfL&preST=SY300_QL70&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1519260061&dpSrc=srch&sr=8-1

They are suitable for most doors, take seconds to fit and aren’t permanent so no damage and can take them onto next hotel.

Not suggesting, at all, that you return OP, but in case anyone is feeling less than secure in their home these work really well.

I would either have a lock fitted to the spare room and sleep in there or invite a friend, relative, who can make the situation safer until he has moved out.

@trieste13, Is that Your List ? Can I share it please?. ((((Hugs)))))

Above post not relevant now since you have left house, wise move. Do not stay in a violent relationship.

Yes, of course you can share the list. It is also permanently displayed (pinned??) at "Right, listen up everybody" on Mumsnet.

@trieste13 Thanks I didn't know that

That's a great post @trieste13, and surely it will help many.
These are for you.💐

Really pleased you're away from him OP.

I think it's so, so easy to feel alarmist. But really, anyone that scares you or makes you uneasy for whatever reason is not to be trusted. So even if you look at it that you can no longer trust him, even aside from your bigger concerns, that's enough to distance yourself from him for now.

Very different situation but I had a boyfriend in my younger years who I was always wondering about in terms of his capacity for violence. He was already EA. We were due move in together but I was having doubts and one day I caught myself planning how to escape, if it came to it, how I'd leave our flat without him knowing. I realised then how fucked up it was becoming, and finally got out of the relationship. That man has very recently friend requested me on Fb - many, many years later - and honestly the very thought that he might have access to details about me or where I live has chilled me (obviously I haven't accepted). People like that are never to be trusted with your safety. They never change.

trieste13
Thank you so much for your list. I think I've done what I can for now.

Went back to the house with DC's today (they're both adults) to get a change of clothes.

Ironically right now I'm at a funeral. My two DC's are with me. DP asked if he could come to "support me" but I politely declined.

I still haven't told him it's over. Just told him I was going out with DC's last night and staying over at their house.

I'm going to take it one day at a time.

When things started to go wrong I arranged to see a counsellor. I saw her on my own for the first time 8 days ago. She said if we wanted couples counselling she would have to see him on his own first.

She saw him on Friday. Yesterday I decided that I didn't want couples counselling but went to see her by myself.

She had already told him in advance that she would disclose to me what he had said in his one-on-one session.

Some of the things he told her were enlightening. He said I was "gullible" among other things.

She asked me what I loved about him and I said (among other things) that I had helped him with his emotional literacy, before he met me he struggled to relate to people. I taught him how to, for instance, hug someone if they are crying.

She responded with "You're a psychopaths dream." I think she means that I have taught him how to fake empathy but that he doesn't actually feel it.

Oh Ffab, you are doing so so well. You seem stronger than yesterday. You have a plan and have your Dc for support. What do they make of it all? I bet they are desperate to keep you safe. Do they know everything?
Keep holding your head high and take baby steps. You will get there. We are all rooting for you xx

The comment from the counsellor... Is very very telling.....

Faux empathy is horrid!

Surprises Relate saw you they normally won’t if there has been any violence.

I'm glad you're not there with him anymore.

I'm shocked at all the advice to buy a lock for the spare room and sleep in there though. How hard do people think it would be for a large man in a rage to get through a locked bedroom door? That wouldn't have been safe at all.

Ffab:
You were clearly ready to make a lot of changes---you have accomplished so much already. And such a good idea to see the counselor on your own. This is your life and not to be lived on somebody else's terms.
Best of luck to you.
TheMaddHugger and Sugarpiehoneyeye: Thank you for the hugs and flowers. Glad the list is helpful:)

MrsMaxwell this wasn't Relate, it's a private counsellor recommended by a friend. But they did see us last time as they decided he wasn't a risk.

Hi OP just checking in to see how you are today x

Snowysky20009. Thank you so much for your thoughts, it really helps.

I'm ok. Second night at DD's. Tomorrow I'm going to stay with a friend for the weekend.

Is going to be a long slog but I've taken the decision to leave him and I'll tell him when I feel safe to do so.

woosey35
What do they make of it all?
They're getting on with their lives but keeping an eye on me. Feels weird the mother becoming the mothered.

Very pleased to read that you're not there.

I split with a violent ex but we were living together/sleeping in same bed as I felt I had no choice until he found somewhere else to go (he was emotionally and financially abusive as well to the extent that I had no control of my own bank account). This was following several violent episodes including one where he was threatening to kill himself then turning the knife on me. Finally culminated in him attempting to strangle me.

I have never been more relieved to see the back of someone in my life. Please make sure he is gone before you return, and ensure the locks are changed within hours of him leaving. Get a door chain and peephole if you don't have one. Don't open the door to unknown visitors when you're alone in the house.

Best wishes for the beginning of the rest of your life