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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask DP to sleep in the spare room

154 replies

Ffab · 21/02/2018 08:30

He's always talked in his sleep but last night for the first time he grabbed me hard by the shoulder twice. After he let go I looked over at him, he was fast asleep with a frown on his face.

Things are not good between us and he is moving out at the end of this month.

With one exception, in the seven years we have been together he has never done anything that could be described as violent

On that occasion, three years ago, I thought he was hugging me from behind. His left arm was around my torso and his right arm was around my neck. When I said "you're squeezing my windpipe", he replied "I know" and kept his arm there for a few seconds while whispering in my ear "Don't go in my toolbox". (I had borrowed money that he kept there and forgotten to replace it.)

It took months of Relate counselling before we got back from that.

With just seven days to go AIBU to ask him to sleep in the spare room until he moves out?

OP posts:
LearnFromThePast · 21/02/2018 10:42

You need to get away from him. Is there any confirmation he will actually move out? Two days before my mother was due to leave my father he snapped and tried to kill her. The fact that he did the neck thing during the day, fully aware is terrifying. You have said he has no friends plus anger issues, I think you may be in serious danger as you are the focus of his life and once he realises that is it, he has nothing to lose

Original poster
Ffab · 21/02/2018 10:44

Just got dresser. He heard me crying in the shower.

He came up to me just now and asked me if I was upset I said yes he hugged me and said "I'm sorry my night-time antics upset you," and added, "I would never be a threat to you."

I replied (in my head) "I wish I could believe you."

I'm just stood starting out the window now. Feel like I can't function.

OP posts:
SilverBirchTree · 21/02/2018 10:45

This thread is a heartbreaking reminder of just how common fatal domestic violence is.

SilverBirchTree · 21/02/2018 10:48

OP, you’re in a crisis. Please just put one foot in front of the other until you are safe.

Get dressed. Pack your handbag. Go to police station, you don’t have to lodge charges you really can just make them aware and ask advice. Call a friend to meet you at the station. Stay with friend.

Deal with your emotions once you are physically safe.

Please please get yourself to safety today.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/02/2018 10:50

What everyone and silverbrich says....

I've worked with domestic violence survivors and perpetrators... I've also got a bit of forensics experience....

Please please keep safe... Preferably leave...

I'm not at all sure he will go...

As silver says.... The violence risk increases massively when relationship are breaking up... He'll be feeling he's losing control over you so will do what he needs to keep you under his control.

So:
Now

Please contact the police. say you're about to part from a man who has choked you. Ask for their advice.

Say you are frightened.

Also contact you local women's aid /refuge.... Theu often pull all sorts of rabbits out of hats to help folk in these circs.

When he goes - please change locks and get safety alarms fitted....

Please don't become a statistic!

Has he ever threatened to kill/damage you? Even in anger?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/02/2018 10:54

Oh yes... Please protect your phone/laptop... You don't want him knowing your plans...

Also,the closer to the break up it gets... the more panicked he feels the more he'll be charming /plead/cry...he's already doing this by the sound of it... (antics??! Wtf!) But ultimately he'll be threatening /violent..

mommytoboo86 · 21/02/2018 11:10

Oh god op please be careful. Have ur phone on u at all times and make sure locks on bathroom door and bedriom are functional. I am really scared for u right now.
The behaviors he are displaying are literally textbook perpetrator tactics (freedom program textbook btw) he will do anything 2 get u 2 change ur mind.
Can noone come & stay with u until he moves out?
The minute he leaves on move out day change the locks (make the appointment today so that it is done the same day he leaves) and get both the front and back doors changed (even if u think the keys are all present who's 2 say he hasn't had copies made?)
Keep safe op xx

lookingforthecorkscrew · 21/02/2018 11:17

I literally made this face reading your post, OP: Shock

Please don't share a bed with this man.

Blaablaablaa · 21/02/2018 11:20

What @IamtheDevilsAvocado says.....

My friends partner read her phone when she was asleep and saw texts which indicated she was planning on leaving the day after. He then killed her in her sleep. He realised he'd lost her and any remaining control her had over her life. He's never been violent before just emotionally abusive and threats to kill himself.
His behaviour towards you makes me very anxious for your safety.

Nikephorus · 21/02/2018 11:32

If it's your house (owned) or your name on the rental agreement then I'd suggest you pack up his stuff while he's not there, get all the locks changed and either drop his stuff off at someone he knows (if possible) before telling him or arrange for someone else to be there with you when he comes back to collect it. It may be that he was genuinely joking when he put his arm round your neck but given his anger issues I'd not be risking it. (And I'm not the type of poster to suggest this lightly). He's leaving anyway, you're just bringing the date forward. It's not fair on him in a way because he's not made plans for now and is going to be left in the lurch but then violence isn't acceptable.
Of course if it's his house or a joint thing then you need to sort that out pronto first.

InsomniacAnonymous · 21/02/2018 11:34

Are there locks on your bedroom doors, OP?

Inertia · 21/02/2018 11:38

Is it your house in that case?

If so there's no reason why you'd have to let him stay- surely he has to leave?

It sounds like you could do with some professional advice here. I'd think about contacting the DV unit of your local police force- firstly to get immediate advice about getting him out, but also so that your address can be flagged up.

I think you're wise to keep quiet about the will until he's gone- I'd then make sure your solicitor has a copy and that it's absolutely watertight, so that there's no opportunity for him to wipe out your children's inheritance by challenging it, but that is all for another day. The priority is to stay safe.

newcarsmell · 21/02/2018 11:41

Echoing everyone else here. Please stay elsewhere until he is gone and you are safe. Then change every lock etc and get an alarm/security system. Particularly if he's expecting the relationship to continue and you're not, he may get very angry when he works it out.

Delete all history and change your passwords etc.

giraffesatthezoo · 21/02/2018 12:09

The biggest predictor of fatal violence is someone putting their hands around your throat. More than any other factor- take a partner who beat his OH weekly for years, hospitalised her etc, that would still statistically be a situation less likely to end in death than the one you are in where he put his hand around your throats once.

Womens aid will help with safety planning. You are so close to being out of this situation, and safe. You need advise from people who know how men like this think, and who can advise you.

I don't think you can wait a month. A lot will depend on if you have shared finances, if he has somewhere to go, etc etc. It is possible getting police to remove him etc could escalate. You know that. But you have to protect yourself here, and realise you are in critical danger. Please take advise, and please don't doubt your instincts.

Original poster
Ffab · 21/02/2018 12:24

SilverBirchTree I'm in the reception of the police station, having just spoken to a very sympathetic female officer. I have a meeting in 10 minutes but I can't stop crying.

I've also spoken to DD (24) and I will stay with her for a couple of nights, and then go and stay with a friend until he moves out.

I'm at rock bottom.

But thank you all so much for your help. I'm gradually realising that in addition to not feeling safe with him I am actually not safe.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ffab · 21/02/2018 12:30

The female police officer said that if I make a formal complaint they will have to arrest him.

They have no choice in the matter. However she was happy for me to talk to her informally. She listened and agreed that the best thing was for me to not stay in the same house until he's gone.

It's 12:30 noon I have a work meeting that's supposed to be starting now but I'm struggling to calm down enough to attend it.

OP posts:
newcarsmell · 21/02/2018 12:52

That's great you went to the police op. Well done. That couldn't have been easy.

Is there someone at work you can talk to?

TheViceOfReason · 21/02/2018 12:57

You've done the right thing Ffab. Do not go home alone until he's gone and you've had the locks changed too. Can you park your car close to your door and is there anywhere he could hide?

Buy a rape alarm too and carry it between car and house.

Do you have any one approachable in your management team you can talk to in confidence? Just to explain why you may be out of sorts for the next little while (plus they would then know to raise an alarm if you don't show up for work....)

Arborea · 21/02/2018 13:00

I am proud of you OP. That can't have been easy, but it's the right thing to do. Good luck.

GardenGeek · 21/02/2018 13:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Anon17 · 21/02/2018 13:49

I'm so glad to see that you are safe. Do you have a safety plan for returning to the house to get your belongings? A safe place to stay?

My ex was never physically abusive, and he was the one who wanted a divorce. I had been staying in a separate room while I was looking for a new place. I was set to move the next day, my stuff was packed up, and my ex started losing it. He wouldn't leave me alone, kept following me around and talking about killing himself, but there was something very aggressive about it as well. He had never talked like that before and I was scared of him.

I left just to get outside and I wondered if I was being dramatic, but I was really frightened. Ultimately I was able to call the police and have them there while I collected my things and left to a hotel for the night. I didn't have to file charges, but this was not in the UK.

Every time I think about it now I am still very grateful that I did not go back into that house alone. He really became unhinged, I never would have imagined him reacting like that. The stress of a divorce can do things we never anticipated.

Please be safe and do not go home alone. The news is filled with stories of people who died in similar situations because they did not think it would happen to them.

woosey35 · 21/02/2018 13:50

I’m so pleased you took that brave step. Well done.
Please keep in touch with us all. We want to see you grow in strength. You really will do, just be kind to yourself and stay safe above all

Original poster
Ffab · 21/02/2018 14:22

Nikephorus.

He has never threatened violence to me but he did once threaten to kill himself after a heavy loss when gambling.

And once, in general conversation, he did say he would find it relatively easy to kill someone and not feel remorse, if they hurt someone close to him like me or his daughter.

Given his military training I did find that unnerving but thought it was just conservational bravado.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ffab · 21/02/2018 14:26

Inertia

Is it your house in that case?

I'm buying him out of his share of the house, everything's due to complete at the end of this month.

We've never been married so no formal divorce.

OP posts:
loopylou6 · 21/02/2018 14:55

Please don't go back, I've never had a sense of foreboding before reading a thread on here EVER, and that's genuinely the truth.

Swipe left for the next trending thread