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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked to go to her wedding?

205 replies

AlfieBearn · 18/02/2018 16:55

My best friend since I was 4 is getting married in August. It's all been paid for an booked and they are getting married in France (because that's where she lives). They are having a ceremony at the town hall where only her parents are witnesses then they are having a separate ceremony at a place in France, sort of like a civil ceremony.

The problem being is that we fell out really badly 5 years ago and haven't spoken.This Christmas we came back together and since then we have become really close. We text every week, we've made plans to go to a concert together in November and she's said if I ever want to visit her in France then I'm most welcome.

After a lot of thought and realising that I would regret it if I didn't go, I went to see her parents today to ask them if it would be ok if I surprised her by coming to see her before she gets married at the town hall so I could see her in her dress etc. I was immediately met with hostility and I could tell straight away by their faces that they didn't want me to.

Her mum kept saying "I'm not sure if it's what she would want" "I don't know what to say" "you've caught me off guard". I said I didn't actually want to come into the town hall I just want to see her before she gets married, even if I could just stand outside the town hall to see her walk in!! Basically they have said no.

I feel absolutely crushed to be honest. She was maid of honour at my wedding and she did a similar thing by coming back and surprising me at my hen party. It was possibly the most awkward conversations I have ever had with someone. My DH and parents (who are very close to my BF) have said it's because they feel her parents have never really liked me. I just feel incredibly sad that I will now miss it. AIBU?
(Post edited by MNHQ)

OP posts:
Thedogsmells · 18/02/2018 16:57

You weren't necessarily being unreasonable to ask, but if she wanted you there she would have invited you. They are being loyal parents.

SilverHairedCat · 18/02/2018 16:58

Yes YABU. You're asking to gatecrash the wedding of someone who doesn't apparently want you there, or they would have invited you themselves.

Don't go. And don't ask the bride.

Whisky2014 · 18/02/2018 16:59

It's not up to them surely? Why don't you just ask your friend?

Welshmaenad · 18/02/2018 16:59

You're asking to gatecrash a private event. It's not like 100 guests are going and you are left out - it's literally them and her parents. Sorry but YABVU.

Whisky2014 · 18/02/2018 17:00

Actually, i agree with silver. Don't go and don't tell her! Although I imagine the bride's parents will have passed on what you did.

Birdsgottafly · 18/02/2018 17:00

They had to say No, as said it isn't up to them to invite you.

You being there will throw her off guard and upset what is a really special moment.

Has she got any other Family? It would be awkward for everyone if they have been turned down and then you turn up.

scrappysquirrel · 18/02/2018 17:00

Seeings as you've had a non existent relationship for 5 years only recently they are probably worried something might upset the day. As it's her wedding I'd think the same as the parents to be honest, sorry!

I know you feel like you're instantly close again but 5 years is a seriously long time to not speak to someone.

itsmeimcathyivecomehome · 18/02/2018 17:01

YANBU to be hurt.

YABU to have asked, or to do anything other than stay silent with dignity now, but wish her all the best.

SnowannaRainbow · 18/02/2018 17:01

Have you seen her in person since your big falling out? If not I can see why her parents think that surprising her on her wedding day is a bad idea.

Perendinate · 18/02/2018 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/02/2018 17:03

YANBU to feel sad about it but I do think YWBU to ask them. They’ve been close to her during the years you and friend had fallen out and it’s not long since you’ve reconnected. Of course it was awkward, they must have been totally put on the spot and it wasn’t fair to put the decision on them.

Send her a card with a lovely message wishing her well and a nice gift.

DeathStare · 18/02/2018 17:03

Yes you are being unreasonable and selfish.

Her wedding is a very different style to yours. It's what she wants and you need to accept that. If she'd have wanted you there she'd have asked you - by asking her parents you've put them and her in a very awkward position.

This is not the same at all as her surprising you on your hen night. Firstly that's your hen night not your wedding day. Secondly (as she was your maid of honour) I assume you had invited her/wanted to come, and the surprise was that she could make it when you thought she couldn't?

SmashedMug · 18/02/2018 17:04

Your post is all about you want. If the bride wanted you there, you'd have been invited. Her parents were probably gobsmacked at being asked.

expatinscotland · 18/02/2018 17:04

WTAF? You want to travel to another country to stand outside someone's tiny, private ceremony just to see her in a dress? Yes, YABU. You sound a bit needy and clingy, too. Inviting yourself is never a good idea.

ClemDanfango · 18/02/2018 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeathStare · 18/02/2018 17:05

Why don't you just ask your friend?

Please do not do this. It puts your friend in a really awkward position. If she wanted you there she would ask you.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 18/02/2018 17:05

With the best will in the world, if she wanted you there, you would have been invited.

She's planned a very small wedding and no doubt there are lots of other people who would just love to be there too. YABU.

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2018 17:05

You can't do this. And of course you can't travel all the way there and then not go in. You'll just make everyone uncomfortable.

She's said only parents. Please respect that, you should not have put them in this position. And you need to apologise to them.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 18/02/2018 17:05

scrappy has it right.

Corblimeyguv · 18/02/2018 17:05

OP, sorry but this is just a bit odd. It doesn’t compare with your hen party as presumably there were lots of other people at your hen party.

You had no right to put her parents on the spot like that when it’s clearly not their decision and would probably massively backfire.

For whatever reason, the bride and groom want to get married in a very quiet way. It’s her day, not your day, so be as good a friend as you say you are by respecting her wishes! You can congratulate her another time.

pasturesgreen · 18/02/2018 17:08

YWBU, sorry!

You fell out and didn't speak for 5 years - that's a pretty big deal, even if you're back in touch now. She'd have invited you if she wanted you there. Imo you were wrong to ask her parents: it was not their place to tell you whether or not you could come and you put them on the spot.

OhMyGodTheyKilledKenny · 18/02/2018 17:08

One thing that MN has taught me is that people who are getting married have very definite ideas and that nobody can fuck about with wedding plans without there being a major fall-out.

In other words YABVU, you can't do this.

TabbyMack · 18/02/2018 17:08

So she hasn't even invited you to the other, celebratory part of the wedding?

Then she doesn't want you there, it's that simple.

If you don't want to ruin your friendship with her again, then send her a card with best wishes and leave it at that.

NancyJoan · 18/02/2018 17:08

Presumably in the last 5 years she has made lots of new friends, and yet they are not going to be there. You can expect to be welcome.

It’s sad that you are not the same friends that you used to be, but things change.

lostmyfeckingkeysagain · 18/02/2018 17:11

In the gentlest way possible, YABUFlowers

I think that, without meaning to, you put her parents in a very difficult position.
If I've read your OP correctly you're not invited to any part of the wedding but you want to turn up to the Town Hall where only parents are invited?? Even if you don't plan to go inside that's still very presumptuous to assume she would want you there. If someone I hadn't invited was unexpectedly waiting outside my wedding venue when I arrived to "surprise" me I would feel it was extremely intrusive and bordering on creepy. Sorry.

I don't think it necessarily means her family don't like you. I don't see how they could possibly have agreed to this without the bride's say so however fond they were of you.