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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked to go to her wedding?

205 replies

AlfieBearn · 18/02/2018 16:55

My best friend since I was 4 is getting married in August. It's all been paid for an booked and they are getting married in France (because that's where she lives). They are having a ceremony at the town hall where only her parents are witnesses then they are having a separate ceremony at a place in France, sort of like a civil ceremony.

The problem being is that we fell out really badly 5 years ago and haven't spoken.This Christmas we came back together and since then we have become really close. We text every week, we've made plans to go to a concert together in November and she's said if I ever want to visit her in France then I'm most welcome.

After a lot of thought and realising that I would regret it if I didn't go, I went to see her parents today to ask them if it would be ok if I surprised her by coming to see her before she gets married at the town hall so I could see her in her dress etc. I was immediately met with hostility and I could tell straight away by their faces that they didn't want me to.

Her mum kept saying "I'm not sure if it's what she would want" "I don't know what to say" "you've caught me off guard". I said I didn't actually want to come into the town hall I just want to see her before she gets married, even if I could just stand outside the town hall to see her walk in!! Basically they have said no.

I feel absolutely crushed to be honest. She was maid of honour at my wedding and she did a similar thing by coming back and surprising me at my hen party. It was possibly the most awkward conversations I have ever had with someone. My DH and parents (who are very close to my BF) have said it's because they feel her parents have never really liked me. I just feel incredibly sad that I will now miss it. AIBU?
(Post edited by MNHQ)

OP posts:
SheGotBetteDavisEyes · 18/02/2018 17:30

Gosh OP, awkward conversation! You perhaps should have written them instead of asking face to face. I feel a bit sorry for them - they handled it as best they could. YABU, I'm afraid. You're not invited and if you go to the wedding you risk losing the friend forever.

Friendships evolve, and you didn't make the cut for the wedding. Your recent rekindling of the friendship is great but I agree with a PP that you're not close anymore - you're friendly acquaintances with a shared history.

If you care about your friend, then let her get married and respect her decision not to invite you. As hard as that feels, it's the right thing to do.

flowery · 18/02/2018 17:32

”The fact that you had a 5 year fall out is irrelevant, you'd have not been invited anyway, just like all her other friends, relatives, siblings etc.
I think you were rude to ask. I can imagine how uncomfortable her parents must have felt.

Yes, this exactly. You would not have been going anyway and would put everyone in a very awkward position if you turned up.

Dahlietta · 18/02/2018 17:34

I really don't get why you would actually even want to do this and yes, I'm afraid you were unreasonable to ask this of them. It wasn't even their place to grant it if they wanted to.

billybagpuss · 18/02/2018 17:35

Gosh this is a tricky one, I totally get why you want to. My DD and her best friend fell out massively about 3 years ago and the friend was frankly a total bitch and now they've made up I still haven't forgiven her properly and would probably (wrongly) have the same reaction as your friends parents did. I do however know that my DD would want her to do it, but being in the middle of France that does seem a bit weird and stalkery.

How about chatting to your friend and make arrangements with her to go over at maybe the end of July so plenty of time to not make her feel you are even trying to crash the wedding and pre-wedding, but she will probably have already got the dress so you can share a girly prosecco night and maybe take a gift and take it from there if your friendship really has repaired she may invite you or if that is not appropriate for whatever reason you have still spent pre-wedding congratulatory time with her.

Good luck x

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/02/2018 17:35

OP, I think the wedding arrangements in mainland Europe are different anyway - there's the formal bit (which is the town hall) and then the registry office-type bit that guests can attend. Then after that is the celebration and it's elsewhere. That's how it was when my Austrian cousin married, I think that France would be the same.

If you've had a gap of five years, going from closeness to nothing, then a two-month make-up will not have brought you back to 'close.

It sounds like you really regret the falling out and want to take the friendship back where it was but I don't think you can really. Everything will have changed now that your friend is marrying. If you were already close friends it need not change but from the point you're currently at, it's no longer close.

I also wondered why you say that your parents and husband are close to this friend? How can that be the case? She's your friend, isn't she? And you've had a gap of 5 years. How can they in any way be 'close'? I have a friend (more acquaintance) really who deems every friendship to be to 'close' when it isn't. I think being realistic would help you to come to terms with what this friendship actually is.

I also think you shouldn't set too much store on the 'if you ever want to come to France' comment. Not now. It's unlikely to have been sincere after a mere couple of months.

If I were in your position, I'd leave it until after the wedding and rebuild your friendship mutually - and in balance.

lottiegarbanzo · 18/02/2018 17:40

Have you been invited to the later 'civil ceremony' event? (Bit confusing, as town hall = civil ceremony and you haven't really said that the other event is bigger, or equivalent to a reception, or who's going).

dollyboots · 18/02/2018 17:41

I too had a very long estrangement from a very dear friend, for reasons that seem mad now. We had frank conversations a few years ago that led to us building our friendship again, and we’re both really very happy about this. But it takes time and care and patience. A few weeks is nothing after 5 years.

Turning up to see her in these circumstances would always be a bad idea, and I fear you’ll stick the nail in the coffin of this friendship if you do.

Take the advice about the card and present. Something simple and non-intrusive - don’t go nuts. And give it all some time. You need to work harder on a friendship second time around, but sometimes that means persuading yourself to hold back.

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/02/2018 17:44

They’re getting married at the town hall with just her parents because that’s the civil service, the legal bit. If they’re having another services, this will most likely be in church - the religious bit - with all the guests, assuming she’s having guests. French weddings are an absolute pia and a full catholic wedding ceremony with communion can take 2.5 hours because you have to congratulate the couple in church and all the palaver.

If your friend wanted you there, she would have invited you.

DreamyMcDreamy · 18/02/2018 17:48

Another one saying noooooo, it's her wedding day and she doesn't want anyone there apart from parents, which is entirely her right. Not your day.
If she wanted others there she'd have invited them.No wonder the parents were uncomfortable at being asked,as I mean it was a bit awkward for them, wasn't it? Not really their place to invite others along on the day.

BelleandBeast · 18/02/2018 17:50

It's a bit too soon to get over a 5 year non-talking period by asking this - Its only six weeks ago that you started talking again. You are rushing this and if you ask, risk the reconciliation going no further. Send her a nice thoughtful card and leave it at that.

pictish · 18/02/2018 17:53

I can see where you’re coming from but you’re focusing on your friendship with her rather than her life in general. She will have local friends amongst others whose friendship means a lot to her and who she might also have invited to her wedding, but hasn’t. I don’t think you’re the main act any more, so I don’t think iut’s Appropriate that you show up there to ‘surprise’ her.
Sorry.

Bazzle · 18/02/2018 17:56

Um if someone I didn't invite to my wedding, travelled hundreds of miles just to stand outside a town hall I'd think they were pretty unhinged.

Don't do it - you sound like a stalker!

TroubleinDaFamily · 18/02/2018 17:57

Holy heart you are so many degrees of deluded it is beyond ...

Actually I am just speechless....

And believe me that does not happen very often.

Blondeshavemorefun · 18/02/2018 18:01

So you haven’t been invited but want to turn up?

No !!!!

And wrong to ask parents

If bride wanted you there she would have invited you

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2018 18:01

Out of curiousity. What led to the five year fall out?

This behavuour is so pushy and selfish. that it's actually quite appalling. It shows a total,lack of empathy for your friends wishes for her wedding or the feelings of her parents and the position you put them in by asking.

Your husband and parents must know this. You can't all be completely oblivious and cut from the same cloth together. Is there more of a back story? They should have been able to be honest with you and tell you not to do this and to be able to tell you you should never have done it.
If you didn't ask their advice in the first place. Instead they said something stupid like her parents have never liked you. Why were they unable to either dissuade you or be honest with you in retrospect? For your own sake if nothing else.

ThePinkPanter · 18/02/2018 18:04

You've only been friends again for about 2 months! This is mad. I'm cringing so hard for you right now.

Mookie81 · 18/02/2018 18:07

Fuck 'gently'. Your behaviour is outrageous . And it makes me wonder why your husband thinks her parents don't like you.

WhatWouldOliviaPopeDo · 18/02/2018 18:07

If she was having a big church wedding with hundreds of guests I would still say don't go because she hadn't invited you. So to be annoyed and slagging off her parents because they won't let you hijack her wedding ceremony where they are the only guests is beyond U. Surely you can see that, OP???

PeapodBurgundy · 18/02/2018 18:08

I'm sorry but I'm also in the YABU camp. I can understand why you would want to go, but as PP have said, it's a small family event. It's not really appropriate to just turn up to any event without an invite, much less an intimate one like this.

Cherrycokewinning · 18/02/2018 18:11

“Today 17:04 expatinscotland

WTAF? You want to travel to another country to stand outside someone's tiny, private ceremony just to see her in a dress? Yes, YABU. You sound a bit needy and clingy, too. Inviting yourself is never a good idea.“

Sorry but this ^^

ButteredScone · 18/02/2018 18:15

Aw, OP, I hope you are ok. There are some very harsh responses here that I bet would upset your friend if she knew. Flowers

There are a million reasons why people arrange their weddings as they do.

Why did you fall out?

pennepasta · 18/02/2018 18:16

No don't do it.

I've had a similar thing - really close, massive fallout, resuming the friendship and a big event in my life... as much as I liked resuming the friendship, it didn't automatically put my friend back as my 'bestie'

They found that pretty hard to comprehend.

Just leave things OP. She'll invite you if she wants you. Nobody wants a surprise on their wedding day by someone other than the fiancée. The day is for them...

Itis6oclocksomewhere · 18/02/2018 18:18

You're certainly going the right way to crushing the friendship for a second time.
The friendship has changed. I lost a friendship in my late teens and we met again in our twenties. We are now in our late thirties and I'd only just say that we are back to what we were. Albeit a little older and wiser.
Sorry OP, but i agree with everyone else who has said YABU.

Tistheseason17 · 18/02/2018 18:18

I actually had a little chuckle at this post.

Why do so many people think that their feelings about someone else's wedding are more important than the bride and groom!?

By all means, show up.... then wait for more than 5 yrs to next hear from your friend.... if at all after this odd behaviour 😞

AtrociousCircumstance · 18/02/2018 18:21

If you turn up unannounced you will wreck the friendship again, and for good.

Two months is no time in a complex reconciliation.

The fact that you even thought it reflects a lack of judgement with regards to her.

She did not do the same for your wedding - she was maid of honour, part of everything already. The scenario you were trying to push could not have been more different.

You asked and her parents reacted completely normally. The only thing to do is not mention this again. If the parents tell her and she ever asks you about it, apologise profusely.