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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked to go to her wedding?

205 replies

AlfieBearn · 18/02/2018 16:55

My best friend since I was 4 is getting married in August. It's all been paid for an booked and they are getting married in France (because that's where she lives). They are having a ceremony at the town hall where only her parents are witnesses then they are having a separate ceremony at a place in France, sort of like a civil ceremony.

The problem being is that we fell out really badly 5 years ago and haven't spoken.This Christmas we came back together and since then we have become really close. We text every week, we've made plans to go to a concert together in November and she's said if I ever want to visit her in France then I'm most welcome.

After a lot of thought and realising that I would regret it if I didn't go, I went to see her parents today to ask them if it would be ok if I surprised her by coming to see her before she gets married at the town hall so I could see her in her dress etc. I was immediately met with hostility and I could tell straight away by their faces that they didn't want me to.

Her mum kept saying "I'm not sure if it's what she would want" "I don't know what to say" "you've caught me off guard". I said I didn't actually want to come into the town hall I just want to see her before she gets married, even if I could just stand outside the town hall to see her walk in!! Basically they have said no.

I feel absolutely crushed to be honest. She was maid of honour at my wedding and she did a similar thing by coming back and surprising me at my hen party. It was possibly the most awkward conversations I have ever had with someone. My DH and parents (who are very close to my BF) have said it's because they feel her parents have never really liked me. I just feel incredibly sad that I will now miss it. AIBU?
(Post edited by MNHQ)

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 18/02/2018 17:13

we have become really close. We text every week, we've made plans to go to a concert together in November and she's said if I ever want to visit her in France then I'm most welcome.

Does she consider this really close? It still sounds quite distant to me. It might be closer than what you were; but it's still once a week, and a concert that's some way into the future.

It was unreasonable to ask her parents for permission to "crash" any of her wedding. Whatever your intentions, they'd run the risk that seeing you there would lessen the day for her, for whatever reason.

Birdsgottafly · 18/02/2018 17:13

She didn't do similar at your Hen.

And as said, don't ask her.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 18/02/2018 17:14

Gently, OP, but it's not the same. You're not 'maid of honour' close now as you and she were back then.

It's good that you asked her parents as you won't now turn up and make it awkward for your friend. Whatever you fell out over, it was so serious that her parents were aware of it. That should tell you something.

I know it's sad but if she wanted you there as you've now become friends again, she would have asked you. She hasn't. Sorry. :(

Gazelda · 18/02/2018 17:15

It sounds to me that they've planned a wedding service (the town hall bit) that is deliberately tiny and Parents only. The fact that you had a 5 year fall out is irrelevant, you'd have not been invited anyway, just like all her other friends, relatives, siblings etc.
I think you were rude to ask. I can imagine how uncomfortable her parents must have felt.
Sorry Op, I think you've overstepped the mark.

TheFaerieQueene · 18/02/2018 17:15

Just because you want something doesn’t mean you can have it.

elisenbrunnen · 18/02/2018 17:15

Wow - self-centred, much?

You want to waylay her on her wedding day just because you want to be there? Regardless of what she wants? And jsut because you had her at your wedding?

It's the most selfish, needy, self-centred thing I've ever heard. (and I'm wondering why she doesn't want you there! Hmm)

Let her have the wedding she wants!

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2018 17:17

Please don't ask her.

If you can't see how turning up as an unexpected guest at a Private ceremony with her fiancé and parents makes it all about you, she has to deal with you and the awkwardness, just before she gets married. Then accept that asking if you can come to someone's private wedding ceremony when uninvited is just wrong.

This is her marriage. She has chosen to do it the way she wishes. It is not about you or your regrets. Apologise to her parents say you don't know what you were thinking, and not to mention it to her.

It's not right what you've done.

Gemini69 · 18/02/2018 17:18

Oh goodness... please do not do this... you put the Parents in an
uncomfortable and awkward position asking .... Flowers

CherryMaDeary · 18/02/2018 17:19

Why did you fall out 5 years ago? That will colour my view.

If you're very close again, and she was MoH at your wedding, then it's very rude of her not to invite you to her wedding unless you shagged get DH2B 5 years ago

Mulberry72 · 18/02/2018 17:19

YABU.

Please don’t just turn up, if she wanted you there she would have invited you.

pasturesgreen · 18/02/2018 17:20

Also, I can just imagine the bride's AIBU if you go ahead and gatecrash the wedding...

There's this friend, we used to be really close but fell out and haven't spoken in years...We rekindled the relationship somewhat a few months ago, and now are in touch occasionally. I had planned a very small wedding, just my DH-to-be and I, plus our respective parents. For some reason, friend got wind of our plans, took umbrage at not being invited (of course she wasn't, we hadn't spoken in 5 years, duh!) and turned up to "surprise" me outside the town hall. AIBU to find it creepy and stalkerish?

SundaysFunday · 18/02/2018 17:21

The last thing I could imagine wanting just before I walk down is a surprise like this.

If she wanted you there she would have invited you.

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2018 17:22

The fact they fell out is irrelevant. No one is going apart from the parents. That's the couples right. It is not the ops right to decide it should be the parents and her.

BewareOfDragons · 18/02/2018 17:22

I suspect your re-newed friendship is about to come crashing down again as soon as her parents tell her what you were thinking of doing. And if they never really liked you in the first place, this will seal it for them.

You were being quite unreasonable and stalker-ish sounding.

Shoxfordian · 18/02/2018 17:23

You can't invite yourself to a wedding
Yabu

UndomesticHousewife · 18/02/2018 17:23

No. If she wanted you to be there she would have asked you. You’re just getting back together after a big falling out it hasn’t been long and clearly not long or close enough for her to feel the same. Send a lovely gift instead.

Buglife · 18/02/2018 17:24

If someone planned to have a private wedding with only parents there and walked out to find an uninvited friend they haven’t seen in person for years... you think she wouldn’t feel incredibly shocked and freaked out? It makes her day all about YOU and your friendship, not her marriage. She wants to focus on he new husband and her parents and yet you want to make her say about a reunion with you? Do you really think she’s going to feel comfortable that you travelled to France Just to look at her? And if you wanted to spend more of the day with her you would completely derail her day. Which is NOTHING to do with you. Texting and making vague plans to meet does not make you two incredibly close again. But really honestly please do not think of making this poor woman’s wedding day about you. It’s almost stalkerish behaviour. Make a firm plan to visit her after the wedding and pass on congratulations then. To do anything else is selfish and for you, not her.

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2018 17:26

My DH and parents (who are very close to my BF) have said it's because they feel her parents have never really liked me

I can't even get my head round this. All I can think is they are being kind to you and don't want to tell you you should never have asked this.

alinuus · 18/02/2018 17:26

Hen party surprise not the same as wedding day surprise.
Dont overwhelm her like that.

Situp · 18/02/2018 17:27

YABU.
OP Christmas was only 8 weeks ago. You didn't speak for 5 years before that and now you want to go to the most private part of her wedding?

I suspect you are nostalgic for the friendship you used to have. That is gone and you have to build a new one.

If someone in the same circumstances turned up to my wedding I would think there was something wrong with them...

Blondephantom · 18/02/2018 17:27

in France, the civil part is more like the legal paperwork and the other ceremony more the ‘wedding’. I’m sure she’ll be dressed up but her wedding dress may well be saved for the second part.

When I married my hubby, we went by ourselves with two witnesses. I’d have been furious if anyone had invited themselves along. It wasn’t about anyone else or what they wanted. The Wedding should be exactly as the couple want it. You and your wants shouldn’t come into it.

GottadoitGottadoit · 18/02/2018 17:28

Thank God Mumsnet exists to prevent such hideous errors of judgement. Grin

user1486915549 · 18/02/2018 17:29

Please don’t do this.
You are being incredibly rude and putting your “ friend “ in an awkward position if she sees you lurking outside the wedding venue.
What are you thinking !

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 18/02/2018 17:29

This is immediately about making her special day involve you, despite the fact that you've clearly not been invited.
You might think she's back to being your best friend but I don't think that's reciprocated. Please leave her to enjoy her day the way she wants it.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/02/2018 17:29

It is hard, you have only got back in favour with each other after falling out. Tbf op only wanted to surprise her before her wedding, not to come to the event, but I guess it puts bride in an awkward position that she would have to invite op which she might not want to do. Just leave it, send her a nice card or letter or e mail, wishing her well with her marriage and let her know if you want to meet up afterwards.

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