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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked to go to her wedding?

205 replies

AlfieBearn · 18/02/2018 16:55

My best friend since I was 4 is getting married in August. It's all been paid for an booked and they are getting married in France (because that's where she lives). They are having a ceremony at the town hall where only her parents are witnesses then they are having a separate ceremony at a place in France, sort of like a civil ceremony.

The problem being is that we fell out really badly 5 years ago and haven't spoken.This Christmas we came back together and since then we have become really close. We text every week, we've made plans to go to a concert together in November and she's said if I ever want to visit her in France then I'm most welcome.

After a lot of thought and realising that I would regret it if I didn't go, I went to see her parents today to ask them if it would be ok if I surprised her by coming to see her before she gets married at the town hall so I could see her in her dress etc. I was immediately met with hostility and I could tell straight away by their faces that they didn't want me to.

Her mum kept saying "I'm not sure if it's what she would want" "I don't know what to say" "you've caught me off guard". I said I didn't actually want to come into the town hall I just want to see her before she gets married, even if I could just stand outside the town hall to see her walk in!! Basically they have said no.

I feel absolutely crushed to be honest. She was maid of honour at my wedding and she did a similar thing by coming back and surprising me at my hen party. It was possibly the most awkward conversations I have ever had with someone. My DH and parents (who are very close to my BF) have said it's because they feel her parents have never really liked me. I just feel incredibly sad that I will now miss it. AIBU?
(Post edited by MNHQ)

OP posts:
Buxtonstill · 18/02/2018 19:29

So you made up at Christmas; and text weekly? That 6-7 times. Don’t be so selfish, please. If you turn up on her big day, you are going to upset her. You really think anyone would be unaffected by an ex friend, recently reunited, turning up on your wedding day ‘oh I don’t want an invite to your wedding, just to look at your dress’ yeah right. You’re hoping to force her hand into inviting you at a moments notice to her wedding. If this is the kind of person you are, then no wonder her parents are not particularly enamoured with you. She may have asked you in the next couple of months, but being so forward and rude with her parents, I think you have totally blown that. After not speaking for 5 years, you are not going to be best mates again in 6 weeks....

AnotherOriginalUsername · 18/02/2018 19:31

It's not that she hasn't just not invited you, she's not invited anyone besides parents. There will be a reason for this and any friend would respect her wishes.

We had a very small legal wedding (and a less small non-legal wedding). For our legal wedding, we only invited immediate family (his parents and siblings) and my mum, uncle (essentially my father figure) and my siblings. BiL wanted to bring his new girlfriend who we had only met once in passing, MiL got wind of this and told him categorically not to. She was invited to the non-legal ceremony as his +1 and that was fine, but there was a reason we were keeping things low key on the Friday.

nokidshere · 18/02/2018 19:34

I've spent many times in cafes in France in the town squares watching the brides come and go for the formal part of their day in the town hall.

She probably wouldn't even notice you at a table in a nearby cafe.

HecatesBroom · 18/02/2018 19:36

Of course you shouldn't travel all the way to France just to stand outside the town hall - you'll look competely crazy.

However, to all those posters saying you can't gatecrash "a private wedding" there is no such thing! Legally the doors have to be left open and anyone - including a complete stranger is entitled to walk in.
There is unlikely to be a "civil ceremony" after the town hall - because that is the civil ceremony. Whatever else is happening is more likely to be a party, and that will be completely private as the legal part will already have been done.

Whocansay · 18/02/2018 19:39

You have shown an amazing lack of self awareness. Can you not see how it would have looked to them?

You are trying to shoehorn yourself into a very private moment. You used to be close, but after 5 years you have to accept that the friendship is not what it was. And you have likely done some damage to any future friendship by being so pushy.

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2018 19:40

I don’t know why you’d want to go all the way to France, but their reaction was very gauche. If they’d had more class they’d have fobbed you off more politely with ‘Oh what a lovely idea, I’m not sure that would work but i’ll talk to her’ type thing, to let you down more gently and tactfully.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If I'd been the parents I'd have been hugely taken aback as well. You can't prepare for ths Sort of thing because it's never going to be expected. The parents responded very reasonably and politely given the hugely awkward circumstances.

mrsBeverleyGoldberg · 18/02/2018 19:42

Why do you need to see her before the wedding? That feels intrusive to the family. I guess she is still upset by your falling out and has been polite in response to you and your idea that you're close again is probably just your opinion and she doesn't reciprocate that sentiment. I think you were being rude to ask. If you were that important to her she'd have invited you.

Snowysky20009 · 18/02/2018 19:42

🤷🏻‍♀️🙈🤦‍♀️no, just no..........

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2018 19:43

She probably wouldn't even notice you at a table in a nearby cafe

Oh god, probably is the questionable word here. And if she does? How creepy and stalkerish would that look. The relationship wojld be over for good. And with good reason.

LoveProsecco · 18/02/2018 19:45

OP are you coming back? Sorry to agree with most here that it would be intrusive on your part

buddhasbelly · 18/02/2018 19:51

I don't think the OPs coming back.

I once bumped into an old uni friend in a small city in China. I was working there, she was travelling. Fine.

Going to the small village in France where you're friend is getting married? Not so fine.

OP I get that you're happy for her and want to share in that happiness but do it from a distance. Enough distance that a stamp and an envelope is needed.

restingbemusedface · 18/02/2018 19:54

Cringe. Dying of cringe.

Why didn’t you just ask her? It’s her decision - not her parents. What did you expect them to say?? Of course they aren’t going to say you can come when the bride herself hasn’t invited you.

Bluedoglead · 18/02/2018 19:57

Oh dear. Cringing for you.

PoohBearsHole · 18/02/2018 19:57

What dress Confused? Not a single person I know who married in France (the legal bit) wore their wedding dress. They did that for the religious side. If she's having both she will. It be wearing her dress like you wouldn't going to the dress rehearsal in the church.

tigerbasil · 18/02/2018 19:57

This is mad

MadMags · 18/02/2018 20:01

Jesus! I’m hoping this is some sort of wind up since OP hasn’t been back.

spiney · 18/02/2018 20:04

She probably wouldn't even notice you at a table in a nearby cafe
🤦‍♀️

HecatesBroom · 18/02/2018 20:05

Not a single person I know who married in France (the legal bit) wore their wedding dress.
It depends on whether the two ceremonies are on the same day.
If the civil ceremony is done in the morning closely followed by the church wedding then everyone does wear their finery for both - but in that case the majority of the guests are invited to both parts. The fact that they are having a tiny civil ceremony would suggest that the two events are completely separate - different days, possibly different towns, so then what Pooh says will be right - no chance of seeing the dress at the mairie..... and not all mairies have a conveniently situated pavement café outside.

honeyroar · 18/02/2018 20:07

You really put her poor parents on the spot! Poor things, I bet they didn't know what to say.

You weren't invited. It would be rude to turn up and you'd probably destroy the friendship once and for all.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 18/02/2018 20:10

If you've texted every week since Christmas, that can only be about 7 texts. I wouldn't invite someone under those circumstances.

TheNaze73 · 18/02/2018 20:10

Embarrassing. Was almost reading your OP through my fingers at the end of it

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 18/02/2018 20:11

Its not that you're being unreasonable as such but. Wheres your pride. You don't ask for invites. If she wanted you there shed have invited you. Let her stick her invite where the sun doesn't shine. Also no fawning and congratulations. If you're her oldest friend and she has not included you in the biggest day of her life. She is clearly still holding a grudge.

Thistlebelle · 18/02/2018 20:22

She probably wouldn't even notice you at a table in a nearby cafe.

But (even if travelling to France) to state from across the street wasn’t deeply weird) that isn’t what the OP wants.

She wanted to “surprise” the bride and be invited in for the ceremony as a special friend.

And then be invited for dinner and celebrations with the families.

OP if you really want to revive this friendship absolutely don’t do this, it would be unbearably rude.

I can’t believe your own parents and DH haven’t already told you this.

Bluntness100 · 18/02/2018 20:36

I suspect the op thought she'd be greeted with "what a wonderful idea, she'd love to have you there, you must come" otherwise she wouldn't have done it. The objective of the visit was to score an invite. Hence why her husband and her parents are saying oh they don't like you, because she didn't get the invite she was going for.

It's clearly not occurred to her it was exactly as the parents said, the bride wouldn't like it, it's a small private ceremony, and like many others, the op was not invited for a reason. You can't ask for an invite to these things, you need to respect the couples wishes for their marriage.

It really is one of the more cringe things I've read on here.

tippz · 18/02/2018 20:42

Am I the only one wondering why the OP's original post was edited by MNHQ? Wink

I have actually seen people turn up at weddings (looking from the sidelines) when they weren't invited, and they really do look sad and desperate.

My friend's aunt turned up last summer to her small wedding that had only her 3 BFFs and their husbands, his 3 BFF's and their wives, her bro and his G/F and the groom's bro and his G/F, as well as the bride and groom and both sets of parents, and 2 sets of grandparents. None of the 25 or so aunts, uncles, and cousins were invited, as it was going to cost too much, and they had very little to do with 80% of them anyway.

Yet the one aunt turned up at the register office, and stood at the back of the room by the door while the short 20 minute ceremony went ahead, and then left quickly before anyone could talk to her... Then she went to the inn where the reception was! She sat a table 12-15 feet away from the room (where the 25 or so people were having the reception meal,) just looking in - like the little match girl........ Confused

My friend said it made her feel so awkward and uncomfortable, and she didn't know where to look.

So no @Alfiebearn don't go. FGS just don't. You have had a rift for 5 years, and only been in touch again for a few weeks. You should not expect to be invited...

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