To have asked to go to her wedding?

[AlfieBearn]

My best friend since I was 4 is getting married in August. It's all been paid for an booked and they are getting married in France (because that's where she lives). They are having a ceremony at the town hall where only her parents are witnesses then they are having a separate ceremony at a place in France, sort of like a civil ceremony.

The problem being is that we fell out really badly 5 years ago and haven't spoken.This Christmas we came back together and since then we have become really close. We text every week, we've made plans to go to a concert together in November and she's said if I ever want to visit her in France then I'm most welcome.

After a lot of thought and realising that I would regret it if I didn't go, I went to see her parents today to ask them if it would be ok if I surprised her by coming to see her before she gets married at the town hall so I could see her in her dress etc. I was immediately met with hostility and I could tell straight away by their faces that they didn't want me to.

Her mum kept saying "I'm not sure if it's what she would want" "I don't know what to say" "you've caught me off guard". I said I didn't actually want to come into the town hall I just want to see her before she gets married, even if I could just stand outside the town hall to see her walk in!! Basically they have said no.

I feel absolutely crushed to be honest. She was maid of honour at my wedding and she did a similar thing by coming back and surprising me at my hen party. It was possibly the most awkward conversations I have ever had with someone. My DH and parents (who are very close to my BF) have said it's because they feel her parents have never really liked me. I just feel incredibly sad that I will now miss it. AIBU?
(Post edited by MNHQ)

There are some very harsh responses here that I bet would upset your friend if she knew

I know you're trying to be kind, but I'm sorry, she needs to know the truth and not be blaming the parents for her behaviour. And I almost guarantee whatever has been said on here is nothing compared to what the friend is thinking right now if she knows that the op put her parents in this position. Sure she will probably down play it but god no one is going to like what the op did here.

The only saving grace is she actually asked the parents and didn't just turn up outside her private wedding ceremony. No matter how bad asking the parents was, just fronting up and laying siege at the townhall would have been a million times worse.

If she wanted you there, she’d have invited you. Send her a lovely card and gift, with your blessing. It’s not worth falling out about. Then perhaps take her up on her offer to visit later in the year.

Be gracious send a card,wish them well.see if it reignites the friendship
I understand why you're upset,and I think that’s unfortunately affecting your judgement
But if she wanted you to attend she’d have invited you I’m afraid.thrning up will create a scene
Do nothing. Just let it be at present,send a card, a xmas card see what develops.

OP I hope you are okay?
I don’t imagine for a second that you envisaged anything more than a special moment with your friend and a nice surprise for her.
Hopefully you can see from this thread that the consensus is it would be a bad idea and not because your friends parents don’t like you.
I think it is good advice to send a lovely card and I might mention that you had a crazy notion to see her in her dress but you have come to your senses and make a joke if it. Her parents will no doubt tell her and it would be better for your friendship if you dismiss it as a silly idea.

From her parents’ point of view they have been asked to attend something very exclusive for their daughter. They will be looking forward to the trip, the ceremony, the aftermath and the most quality of time spent together...they will not have bargained for one of her pals wanting to essentially join in. That’s why their faces looked like they did.
Consider the logistics...where were you planning on staying? Do you think your friend, her new dh or her parents could easily watch you walk off to your hotel room alone after you have flown all the way over for a glimpse of the dress? They’d feel utterly obliged to include you in the rest of the proceedings and would probably insist, while cursing your intrusion on their intimate occasion. If you insisted on leaving them to it, they would think you were absolutely mental!
Basically yo u showing up would make it all about you...and that would be excruciating wouldn’t it?
Just. No.

Her day is about her not you. If she wanted you there you would be invited. Yabvu.

I just want to see her before she gets married, even if I could just stand outside the town hall to see her walk in!!
But it's HER day, it isn't about you seeing her!
If you aren't invited, you cannot turn up at ANY point.

You put her parents in a very awkward situation. Whether they like you or not is not really the point. They probably don't want to agree to anything that aren't entirely sure their DD would be happy with and they probably feel that if she wanted you there she'd have invited you.

She didn't invite you. She's had time since Christmas to reverse that and for her own reasons she hasn't.

To have you turn up on the doorstep half an hour before the wedding puts them in the horrible position of then having to shove you out of the door while they all go off to the wedding, knowing you went all the way to France just to spend that brief time with her. It comes across as a a bit manipulative and needy on your part, trying to get yourself invited by stealth.

I'm not surprised they are a bit off with you. It was not a very well thought out plan. I know you meant well but it was an unreasonable thing to ask.

I hope you're OK, OP, I can see why you might think this is a good idea, and I'm sure you mean well. However, please don't go. I had a tiny wedding just before Christmas and it would have really upset me if even a close friend had done this, not because I don't like them but because I needed the say just to be about DH and our 2 DSs. If someone else had turned up however well meaning, it would have been really awkward not just because of them but because no other friends were invited either, and it would have upset a lot of people. So it's a lot bigger issue than just you IYSWIM.

OMG just CRINGE!!!!

For you to even think it was ok and go and ask her parents?????

Are you as thick skinned in other social situations?

You have appalling social skills/judgement.

Just cringeing for you op, so much so, even I want to curl up into a ball!!!

🤔

Is this a reverse?

I completely agree with fluffy robin though am too nice to have said it.

Keep out and hope they don’t tell her. Wish her well by sending flowers if you need to but in.

You really put them on the stop-what were you expecting? That they would feel pressured into saying yes so that you could just turn up and blame them if your friend wasn't happy?

Just to spell it out to you how off mark you were just try and envisage the scenario:

OP [standing outside the registry office trying not to make everyone feel sorry for her for not having an invite but failing anyway]:

COOEEEEEYYYY BRIDE !!!!! DON'T WORRY! I WON'T COME ANY CLOSER AS I KNOW I HAVEN'T BEEN INVITED BUT I JUST WANTED TO LOOK AT YOUR DRESS!!!!!

WEDDING PARTY: MUTTERING AND POINTING:WHO IS THAT WOMAN? DIDN'T SHE GET AN INVITE? OH HOW SAD!! I WONDER WHY NOT?

BRIDE: [mortified. Trying to put on a brave face].........

I’m assuming as you only made up 8 weeks ago that the invites may have been sent out well before that. Her parents may not be up to speed with the fact that you’ve made up and may have be thinking that you were no longer friends hence their reaction.

I don’t know why you’d want to go all the way to France, but their reaction was very gauche. If they’d had more class they’d have fobbed you off more politely with ‘Oh what a lovely idea, I’m not sure that would work but i’ll talk to her’ type thing, to let you down more gently and tactfully.

I understand the gesture though, you want to show that the hatchet is truly buried. I just don’t know why you didn’t ask her directly.

Have I understood this correctly?

You have no invitation of any kind and you want to just turn up?!

I assume the parents will tell her what you asked so it will come out anyway.

OP isn't back. I hope she isn't hat shopping...

My daughter is getting married this year and if one of her old friends who I knew wasn't invited came up to me out of the blue and asked this I think my reaction would also to be taken aback and 'Errrrrr,, um,??! ' The mother in this case did say that she was taken off guard - its a very odd request given the geographical circumstances. Our venue is in the UK but tucked away and private - there would be absolutely no reason for someone not invited to be there.

Of course, if a wedding is taking place in a local church, register office or venue that members of the public can easily see as a car arrives etc then that is a different thing - looking discreetly would be no problem.

Either this is a reverse ...are you actually the friend /bride to be?

If not, did you hear about the wedding last year and specifically made contact at Christmas in order to obtain an invite? Then , when no invite appeared you decided to target your friend’s parents as you already know the friend is keeping you at a distance and has no intention of inviting you? If so - you need help.

I'm astounded that you asked her parents-not surprised it was an awkward response, they must have been stunned and horrified! It's INCREDIBLY rude to just ask if you can turn up and gate crash a wedding, never mind one that consists of just the couples parents! By asking this you are basically saying that you see yourself to be of equal importance in her life to her parents...yet you've only just started speaking after five years. As others have said, this is the most appalling lack of judgement and the situation isn't remotely comparable to her being your maid of honour and surprising you at a group hen event. Take a step back and maybe think about sending a text to the parents apologising for putting them on the spot and saying you realise how inappropriate it would be to turn up.

SchoolMoney

Oh dear OP. Oh dear.
I think you mean well but you have so so missed the point.

It doesn't matter AT ALL that ^ you really want to see the bride in her dress^. Your wants on that day are well, irrelevant.

You would be crashing a group of 4. Bride, Groom and 2 parents. And......you! Cringe. Not a huge mass of people. It would be SO intrusive.

In the scenario you are suggesting, it would be awkward for them not to invite you on and also on the other hand so awkward for them to leave you to your hotel alone. So end result = awkwardness all round.

Do not do that to your friend on her day.

I expect your request completely floored her parents. I think you should respect that it wasn't their place to say yes and that you were suggesting you intrude on something very private and personal to them. It's irrelevant whether they like you or not. It's a terrible idea from anyone.

It's great you've made up with your friend but I think your enthusiasm is clouding your judgement. Take it slowly. Don't ruin it before it's even got going again.

No way