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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have asked to go to her wedding?

205 replies

AlfieBearn · 18/02/2018 16:55

My best friend since I was 4 is getting married in August. It's all been paid for an booked and they are getting married in France (because that's where she lives). They are having a ceremony at the town hall where only her parents are witnesses then they are having a separate ceremony at a place in France, sort of like a civil ceremony.

The problem being is that we fell out really badly 5 years ago and haven't spoken.This Christmas we came back together and since then we have become really close. We text every week, we've made plans to go to a concert together in November and she's said if I ever want to visit her in France then I'm most welcome.

After a lot of thought and realising that I would regret it if I didn't go, I went to see her parents today to ask them if it would be ok if I surprised her by coming to see her before she gets married at the town hall so I could see her in her dress etc. I was immediately met with hostility and I could tell straight away by their faces that they didn't want me to.

Her mum kept saying "I'm not sure if it's what she would want" "I don't know what to say" "you've caught me off guard". I said I didn't actually want to come into the town hall I just want to see her before she gets married, even if I could just stand outside the town hall to see her walk in!! Basically they have said no.

I feel absolutely crushed to be honest. She was maid of honour at my wedding and she did a similar thing by coming back and surprising me at my hen party. It was possibly the most awkward conversations I have ever had with someone. My DH and parents (who are very close to my BF) have said it's because they feel her parents have never really liked me. I just feel incredibly sad that I will now miss it. AIBU?
(Post edited by MNHQ)

OP posts:
DexyMidnight · 19/02/2018 14:13

Oh you’ve had such a rough ride on this thread OP. No, it wasn’t a great idea. In hindsight I bet you wish you hadn’t but hey ho. Please rest assured that the bride’s parents don’t think you are deranged, clingy, stalkerish or a ‘manipulator’ (wtf? Why are some of you so gratuitously, wickedly mean?)

They likely just think it was a social faux pas. No harm has been done (apart from embarrassment / wounded pride). Bride wants only parents there and that’s what she will have.

Please don’t come back to this thread OP. Aibu is a sounding board for opinions not an open-house for savage bitches to cyber-bully you.

Have a wine. You will laugh about this one day!

gimmesomeapachepizza · 19/02/2018 14:38

Please rest assured that the bride’s parents don’t think you are deranged, clingy, stalkerish or a ‘manipulator’

Why should she be assured of that? If some ex friend of your daughters came to your house to try and convince you to let them come to a tiny, parents only wedding ceremony in a different country to which they were categorically not invited, what would you think? That's not a social faux pas, that's bizarre behaviour at best.

BlondeB83 · 19/02/2018 14:41

YABU, leave it there.

TatianaLarina · 19/02/2018 14:41

Aibu is a sounding board for opinions not an open-house for savage bitches to cyber-bully you.

Amen.

gimmesomeapachepizza · 19/02/2018 14:45

Nobody is cyber bullying anyone. Don't be such a child.

DexyMidnight · 19/02/2018 14:48

gimmesomeapache because normal people, and by normal people I mean balanced, fair, generally well-intentioned and mentally stable people would consider the request bizarre and ok, maybe a bit cringe, but their foregone conclusion would not be to assume that the OP is a psychopath who wishes their daughter harm.

She messed up. She knows it wasn’t a smart move. Ffs leave the woman alone.

You lot (you know who you are) should be truly ashamed of yourselves. I hope you’re not parents with that pulsing stream of bile running through you or you’re going to produce some messed up kids.

gimmesomeapachepizza · 19/02/2018 14:50

It's unlikely they did think that.

No, we should not feel ashamed of ourselves. This isn't creche, we are all grown ups here and OP asked for opinions, which is what she got. If you are too fragile for adult opinions, you should not be on aibu, you should not be telling other people what to do.

fearfultrill · 19/02/2018 14:52

It's not appropriate to surprise someone on their wedding day, I don't think, and the parents were probably thinking the same. It's likely your friend has planned her wedding to the hilt and surprise drop ins probably won't be appreciated. Her surprising you on your hen do is completely different.

DreamyMcDreamy · 19/02/2018 14:55

Please don’t come back to this thread OP. Aibu is a sounding board for opinions not an open-house for savage bitches to cyber-bully you

When the verdict is pretty much unanimous, it can come across as harsh but I really think the majority of posters on here haven't been bullying, just saying hell no! That's kind of a risk you take when you ask AIBU, that people will say hell yeah,you are and then reasons why!

DexyMidnight · 19/02/2018 14:56

gimme if you’re assuming my post is directed at you (I’ve no idea what you have or haven’t said up thread) then you must have a guilty conscience :)

DexyMidnight · 19/02/2018 15:01

Indeed dreamy the verdict is unanimous, but some of the ‘opinions’ have been utterly savage. Uncalled for.

OP I am sending you solidarity, if you are still reading! Everyone f**ks up from time to time. It was a mistake but not coming from a bad place, from what we’ve been told. X

HouseworkIsASin10 · 19/02/2018 15:05

YABVU That is pure cringe.

So she will be nervously waiting to get married when you pop up 'TA-DA!'

Very awkward.

If she wanted you there she would have invited you.

In her eyes you are probably not that close.

DillyDilly · 19/02/2018 15:06

Pity you didn’t ask for advice here before you asked her parents, I’m cringing for you.
And I doubt if you’ve become ‘really close’ again since Christmas! Living in different countries, text once a week - come on ! Who sends the initial text each week - you or her?

I think contact her parents and say you’re mortified and have realised what an awful idea it was to ask them and apologies and hope they all have a super day.

DreamyMcDreamy · 19/02/2018 15:09

I don't think it's anything to do with whether she sees OP as close or not.
The friend wants parents only, so it''s nothing to do with how close she sees OP, but everything to do with she doesn't want any friends there,just parents!
Which is entirely up to her.
How likely is it that OP could just rock up before the wedding,see the dress and then go home straight after seeing it? It's in another country for starters, the bride is going to feel well awkward on her day if she has to turn her away when it gets to wedding time!

Farmerswife36 · 19/02/2018 15:11

Omg I'm cringing for you ! She doesn't want you at her wedding otherwise she would have invited you ! Stay away from her wedding . You sound extremely selfish and entitled . You haven't spoke for 5 years so whatever happened must have been pretty serious and the fact she hasn't invited you to her wedding proves that she is still not over whatever made you both fall out. If she valued you as a friend then you would have been given an Invite. Stay away from her wedding op

gimmesomeapachepizza · 19/02/2018 15:14

gimme if you’re assuming my post is directed at you (I’ve no idea what you have or haven’t said up thread) then you must have a guilty conscience smile

I really don't. People can give opinions as they choose, you are not the posting police and if you don't like it, you should go.

DexyMidnight · 19/02/2018 15:17

If you don’t like what I’m posting gimme why don’t you leave?

DexyMidnight · 19/02/2018 15:18

Also, gimme sweetheart I believe this post is attributable to you?

“Did you fall out becuase of your selfishness and complete lack of boundaries?”

If your conscience is clear please seek help x

gimmesomeapachepizza · 19/02/2018 15:19

What on earth would I seek help for? It's OP that needs an intervention, not you telling her that her behavior is perfectly normal. Hmm

Offthebandwagonagain · 19/02/2018 15:22

Agree with others. You aren’t invited and want to gatecrash. Mil did something similar a few years back - but expected us all to gatecrash with her! I refused but my dh and the others went - to the wedding ceremony - uninvited! shudder

Can’t think of anything more rude tbh

DexyMidnight · 19/02/2018 15:22

You could start with a Rennie, gimme ?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/02/2018 15:22

Could the pair of you, DexyMidnight and gimmesomeapachepizza, leave it there or take it off the thread maybe?

gimmesomeapachepizza · 19/02/2018 15:22

you can start with a grip and a sod off, dexy.

Maatsuyker · 19/02/2018 15:25

She did not invite you. She full well knows when she is getting married and she thought about who she would like to invite to her wedding and did that. She did not invite you. That means that she does not want you to be a part of her wedding day. Do not surprise her.

I know of a man who claimed to be welcome at one of my colleagues weddings and called the office saying he lost the invitation but they were really good friends so please give the address again. Our colleague was furious with the secretary for giving it to the man because he wasn't welcome. They never spoke again.

MadMags · 19/02/2018 15:26

Dexy, you sort of stumble off your moral high ground about cyber bullying when you use the term “savage bitches”. Hmm

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