To keep this a secret?

[ReadyorNot18]

Not as interesting as the title suggests!
Basically, I had driving lessons throughout last year, I had 2 tests which I failed! I seem to be absolutely fine on all my lessons and they seem an absolute waste of time because my instructor said theres no more to teach me. I just seem to completely flake on the test and make stupid panicky mistakes! I can't have private practice outside of using an instructor because I don't have a car or anyone to take me.
My theory test expires in July this year and I REALLY want to pass my test before this runs out and I have to start from the beginning again.
Everyone I know drives and I'm 32 this year and still have to walk my daughter everywhere in all weathers which she's miffed about when all her friends are dropped off here there and anywhere.
I've texted my instructor this week to see if he can fit me In to do some more lessons, he's advised me to book my test in again for May and start back with him at the beginning of March.
So my AIBU is....can I keep this to myself and not tell anyone at all, including DH, (he would be at work when I take my lessons) I can't stand the thought of coming home and saying I failed again, or telling friends and family, its embarrassing! I don't know what it is but I just can't seem to get through the test, I've had the rescue remedy, the banana before test, the lucozade to keep me alert, I just mess it up big time.
I think I know if I don't pass before my theory expires ill walk away from it- literally and be walking for a long time after!
Has anyone else found learning to drive as one of the hardest things they've done? I've hated it because I feel like a massive failure at it but it's so frustrating because I know if I pass, my life will become so much easier!

I don't see why not if you think it will take the pressure off!

Of course it's permissible to keep it a secret, but will you be able to?

Re more lessons, my local Arnold Clarke car hire place hires dual-control cars by the hour, just for learners to get more practice with a suitable non-instructor. Might that help? (Cheaper than lessons...)

YANBU. İ totally understand where youre coming from not wanting to broadcast it. People start firing questions at you then, dont they. .

I want to learn to drive and keep it a secret whilst I'm learning. The only problem is the DVLA sends the provisional out to the house and there's never a time my DP isn't at home around the delivery time! Maybe I need to send him on holiday for a couple of weeks.

Definitely fine to keep it quiet but I would also advise considering changing instructor. I had a great rapport with my instructor and reached a similar "you've learned it all" point, but kept failing tests due to nerves. I then had 3 lessons with a new instructor who terrified me and sailed through the test- I'd had to get over the fear! It might be something to think about.

Don’t do lucozade, or caffeine, or anything to keep you ‘alert’. You will already be mega alert thanks to adrenaline.

I don’t think it’s a bad idea to keep it secret - in fact it’ll take some pressure off you.

Which parts of the test did you fail on last time? Your instructor will be able to help you work on those. Also, might it be an idea to change instructors?

Hirples- Thanks, maybe thats something I can look in to.

AwwLook- YES!! Haha. They want a deconstructed version of what went wrong, where and how! Especially DH because he can drive and has for a long time, he makes all the right noises but I can see he doesn't understand why I've failed twice!

Veronicat- Just be waiting inconspicuously by the post box! I'm pretty sure provisionals are sent out in plain brown envelopes anyway with maybe the DVLA stamp on the bottom, should be easy to conceal if you get to the post first!

Slightly different to you as I learned at 17/18 but I failed my test 3 times finally passed fourth time and didn’t tell anyone about the test except my parents. I just didn’t want the humiliation of telling my friends i had failed again! Definitely keep it a secret.

I would.. less pressure that way. Also, try to book your test earlier, get a different instructor for a few lessons and don't use stimulants!

I kept mine a secret mostly. It does help.

Ask your doctor to prescribe some beta blockers to get you through your test and make sure you get more lessons because the test changed last month.

Assburgers- The first test I only got 3 minors and failed on one serious which was me being too close to a parked car apparently.
the second test was abysmal! initially I rolled the car back on a very steep hill and knew id messed up and couldn't get myself together, after that, I made loads of stupid errors because I knew id failed and just wanted to get out of the car. one of my worst traits is when something goes wrong, getting either mad or emotional and just walking away so all I wanted to do it stop the car and walk away. I think I'm a sore loser!

I found the actual learning to drive bit difficult to understand - left it until my mid twenties to start and seemed to think I had to understand exactly how everything was working rather than just learn the steps sort of thing. Then I had to attend to a kid who'd crashed a stolen car, who could barely read or write and it suddenly occurred to me that really ANYBODY can physically drive a car and I was going to be outdone by a little scrot.
You've just got to get your head around the test situation. Remember it is just a job for the examiner, they will have seen everything before - cocky teens, people used to driving in other countries, pensioners getting licence reissued etc etc... it really won't matter to them whether you pass or fail and they won't remember you by the next week either way - so you may as well relax. Imagine your daughter in the back chatting away... imagine the examiner is your instructor - who seems very happy that you can do everything.. And yeah keep it quiet if that's one less pressure to feel.
Good luck! It will be really liberating when you pass x

I only passed on my 4th test. It was the same thing with me, my instructor used to say I knew how drive but I'd mess up the test. I started EFT to help keep nerves down. I wouldn't tell everyone if it's less pressure on you.

Thanks Wingingit, thats a really positive piece of advice! :)

My dd didn’t tell any of us after she failed the first time.

She passed. With only one minor.

I can see where you are coming from. My sister failed her's, both times she told us she had the test. Third time she told no one and walked through the door with a pass certificate.

I found passing my driving test really hard; I could drive fine but got so nervous for the test. I found it more helpful not to tell anyone about my test as I wasn’t then worrying about others expectations and I did pass in the end

Would second a change of the instructor and perhaps have a few different ones, so you don’t fall into a false sense of comfort during lessons. Maybe do mock tests to try and desensitise your nerves a little. Natural remedies to calm you too. Perhaps start some regular hypnotherapy sessions to minimise the stress. And remind yourself that it isn’t the end of the world, i.e. try to lessen your own pressure to pass.

Have you considered hypnotherapy? I know of 2 people who were fine in their lessons but failed 4 and 7 times as so nervous during the tests. Both had one session of hypnotherapy and passed the following session. I have another friend who was a nervous flier to the point of aeroplanes overhead making her panic when she had a flight booked. Hypnotherapy helped her tremendously too.

You say all your friends drive - could you not let one of them in on the secret and practice privately with them in their car? You'd just need to pay for insurance. Get them to role-play being an examiner?

It seems most people that have kept it to themselves have found it easier to pass, maybe coincidence but also maybe to do with the pressure from others being taken away!
Both times my first thought was going home telling people, I was mortified. I don't understand why its so embarrassing? We all have failures alongside successes but for some reason, I personally was so ashamed id failed not only once but twice!

My friend asked the doctor for something to help with her nerves.

All th best drivers pass in their third attempt.

And beta blockers. I could drive fine. But mention a test and I went to pieces. I ended up doing an intensive course and the guy said I was fine. Then he said we'd do a mock test. He couldn't believe th difference. It was he who suggested the beta blockers and they worked. Although when the examiner told me I'd passed I asked him was he sure!

Veronicat Could you not still get a provisional and just explain to your DP that you would like another form of idea and you’re not comfortable taking your passport out?

I didn’t tell anyone about my final test (I had 6!) and it definitely took the pressure off. I had developed a phobia about the test but got over it by listening to a hypnotherapy tape which basically told me I was a good and confident driver(!). When I was actually driving I used to “impersonate” DH who had been driving for decades - basically pretending to have a lot more confidence than I actually had. The other thing I did was a lot of research about driving examiners - I found their guidelines online and also a few articles written by retired examiners with handy tips. Good luck - dont give up because its amazing when you pass. You just need to believe you can do it! XX