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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep this a secret?

220 replies

ReadyorNot18 · 25/01/2018 13:32

Not as interesting as the title suggests!
Basically, I had driving lessons throughout last year, I had 2 tests which I failed! I seem to be absolutely fine on all my lessons and they seem an absolute waste of time because my instructor said theres no more to teach me. I just seem to completely flake on the test and make stupid panicky mistakes! I can't have private practice outside of using an instructor because I don't have a car or anyone to take me.
My theory test expires in July this year and I REALLY want to pass my test before this runs out and I have to start from the beginning again.
Everyone I know drives and I'm 32 this year and still have to walk my daughter everywhere in all weathers which she's miffed about when all her friends are dropped off here there and anywhere.
I've texted my instructor this week to see if he can fit me In to do some more lessons, he's advised me to book my test in again for May and start back with him at the beginning of March.
So my AIBU is....can I keep this to myself and not tell anyone at all, including DH, (he would be at work when I take my lessons) I can't stand the thought of coming home and saying I failed again, or telling friends and family, its embarrassing! I don't know what it is but I just can't seem to get through the test, I've had the rescue remedy, the banana before test, the lucozade to keep me alert, I just mess it up big time.
I think I know if I don't pass before my theory expires ill walk away from it- literally and be walking for a long time after!
Has anyone else found learning to drive as one of the hardest things they've done? I've hated it because I feel like a massive failure at it but it's so frustrating because I know if I pass, my life will become so much easier!

OP posts:
viques · 26/01/2018 17:44

one thing that really helped me was having slightly longer lessons, where I drove for longer distances with my (very laid back) instructor not reminding me what to do all the time, I felt more in control, concentrated harder, became more aware of traffic conditions and felt more confident, while knowing that he was ready to take over if necessary.

pteradactyl · 26/01/2018 17:45

Yes why not? If it makes you feel better I passed my SEVENTH test. Very embarassing in one way but in another I am proud that I stuck with it til I passed. I wss just the same as you, my instructor even said if I had failed the one I passed he would have insisted on coming with me as there was no way I should be failing. I still insist that they had a quota for each week. Mt friend passed even though she hit the kerb which I did and failed so....
Anyway. I've been passed for 12 years now and havent had any accidents save a minor bump when I was sleep deprived after birth of dd.
Good luck!

ktp100 · 26/01/2018 17:45

I failed once and swear I would have failed again the 2nd time if my 9 week old baby boy hadn't been riddled with a cold that he'd seen fit to share with me. I literally didn't give a shit and just couldn't be arsed enough to panic. So basically what i'm saying is, find a snotty person and lick them a few days before your test. Worked for me Grin Good luck!

Dilligaf81 · 26/01/2018 17:47

I passed on my 5th attempt much the same as you I was fine driving about it was the test that panicked me. When I passed I only had one minor point and as far as most people know I passed 2nd time. The only exception was dh and my mum who thought it was my 3rd test. They all know now and I'm sure I passed as I had a lovely examiner who I told I was worried and could he talk to me. He told me all about his wife and grown up dc which made it feel like a lesson more than a test. Good luck.

shillwheeler · 26/01/2018 17:48

YANBU to keep it to yourself.
I passed on my 30th birthday after 7 attempts (after the first one I kept quiet about them). I too was fine on the lessons and in a similar position but on the day suffered crippling nerves. (There was one booked test I didn't go to because of nerves). Very odd for me, as I am not at all a nervous person otherwise - first test I had ever failed.
Some things which helped - a different instructor - mine was great and we got on really well - but that, with me, became part of the problem - we got into a routine of just having a relaxing drive and chat (my driving wasn't the issue!) and it was the test situation which screwed me up - he actually partnered with another instructor to do "mock tests" - the other thing which helped was that I saw my GP who gave me something for my nerves - beta blockers I think - not sure if they worked or if it was the placebo effect - but I passed that time, and have been driving very happily ever since! Good luck, and stick with it - it really does make a difference - I lived in a very rural environment at the time, and it was life changing!

Notreallyhappy · 26/01/2018 17:50

Keep it to yourself.
Have you looked into one of the intense driving courses. You train & take the test all in one week. Different levels available

chocolateworshipper · 26/01/2018 17:51

I see someone suggested hypnotherapy. Mindfulness techniques could be another option for you since it seems like your driving is fine and it's just your nerves letting you down. YANBU to want to keep it quiet - it might even take the pressure off you . Best of luck.

lostmyslippers · 26/01/2018 17:52

OP you are not BU!! I failed 3 times...and that was 20 years ago but my family still ridicule me about it. Do what ever you need to. I totally understand you don't need the added pressure Thanks

BugsBunny14 · 26/01/2018 17:53

I did the same OP, after I failed, I didnt tell anyone and I felt no pressure! Also worth taking the instructor with you. All the bestFlowers

Frokni · 26/01/2018 17:54

Literally did a thread about my driving anxiety last week on MN.

Keep it to yourself and don't tell people dates or days that you'll be driving or taking a test. It's absolutely fine.

Please pleeeeease do not give up if you fail a 3rd time!! A guy in the UK took 33 attempts to pass- you will never be that bad!

Just keep driving just keep driving, driving, driving...

TheEmmaDilemma · 26/01/2018 17:55

I'm a pretty good driver. IMO. Wink

It still took me 3 times due to nerves, and I didn't tell anyone the last time either.

Wizzywoodoodah · 26/01/2018 17:57

OP- I was exactly the same as you. I eventually passed 5th time, after changing instructors, being insured on my mum’s car which I drove with my mum under strict instruction to just let me drive without interfering so I could gain confidence, the skill was already there. For my final test I told no-one at all, and took rescue remedy, but no caffeine whatsoever.
I get crazily nervous still, nothing helps as my mind seems to hypnotise itself into a place of adrenaline-come down. I do sympathise, and send you lots of luck xx

marymoosmum · 26/01/2018 17:59

I failed my test 3 times before I finally passed. It wasn't because I couldn't drive, I just hate tests and always panic. The last time I had my driving instructor sit in the back.

ErrrrrNo · 26/01/2018 18:03

I know many people that have failed multiple times, usually over something daft, I don't think its something to be embarrassed about!

But if it takes the pressure off you then keep it a secret.

(I'm 43 with a OH that also doesn't drive and two kids, busses are our main form of transport, rubbish when you have to get to a random party in the middle of nowhere in the rain. Keep at it!)

fedupandsickofeverything · 26/01/2018 18:04

Do it, I failed 4 times(the examinator actually stopped the fourth one because I went totally to pieces!). I realised that my main problem wasn't the test but the thought of having to tell everyone I'd failed so for my fifth test the only ones who knew were my sister and my instructor. I had the same instructor for the test as I had before and he let my instructor sit in the back. I passed and it was great being able to tell everyone

Louise2092 · 26/01/2018 18:04

I started learning at 17 but couldn't afford to continue. I picked it back up at 21 but failed my first test. I was already nervous and the examiner had a face like thunder and just barked directions at me so I screwed up on a hill start.
Second test the examiner was lovely and chatted away to me about my day etc she ever we were stopped. It made me feel at ease and as though it was just a normal drive with an instructor rather than a test and don't be scared to ask questions. I asked him to repeat his directions once or twice and it wasn't a problem. I passed no problem.
Just relax and treat it as a drive with your instructor on a lesson.

Louise2092 · 26/01/2018 18:04

*whenever we were stopped.

Ahardyfool · 26/01/2018 18:09

Also failed three times and am now shit hot at reversing in any situation as it took me such a long time to finally pass. I can drive trucks and cars, abroad, through lanes, the motorway. Failing made me less presumptuous as a driver and better for it.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 26/01/2018 18:10

I have 2 postgraduate degrees.
I still rate passing my driving test on my 7th attempt as my greatest achievement. I honestly think it was character building.
Keep going.

2ndstreet · 26/01/2018 18:10

Definitely see your doctor about beta blockers, I don't think i'd ever have passed without them. I was so physically shaky I failed my first two tests as I just couldn't manage clutch control when I was shaking so much. 3rd time with beta blockers, no shaking and passed easily!

ChickenVindaloo2 · 26/01/2018 18:11

And I have now been driving 14 years, hundreds of thousands of miles incl from London to Edinburgh without much more than a scrape or the odd bump.

Littlenic73 · 26/01/2018 18:11

I would suggest a change of instructor, even if for only a couple of lessons or mock test. As someone who took my test 5 times over 10 years, (same problem as you- fine until the test then nerves kicked in and blew it for me) I eventually passed in my Dad's car, no dual control on a day when I started a new job that morning. TBH the fact that I was busy that day meant I didn't have time to get myself worked up into a state beforehand. Go easy on the calming meds, I failed test 4 because I was a bit too chilled on those and parked on a bus stop.

Curly1girl · 26/01/2018 18:11

Don't give up, you'll get there in the end. It took me 5 attempts to pass, mostly due to nerves. It was a little bit embarrassing and I didn't tell everybody I was taking every test, but didn't keep it from my nearest & dearest -I wonder if it would be stressful to do so. My friend is an instructor & she says that there is a visible difference in people on the day they take their test - they are buzzing with nerves & adrenaline so wouldn't recommend any extra stimulant. But whatever makes you feel comfortable keep going, it will be worth it.Good luck.

Confusedandfrightened · 26/01/2018 18:12

This is exactly what I did!! I was still at home at the time and my dad was very strict. I asked a friend if she could use her credit card to book my test as I didn’t have one and my dad thought I just had a lesson that morning. I’ll never forget his face when I told him I’d passed- it was my fourth attempt I think?!! It helped take the pressure off as I thought if I fail he won’t even know. I’ve been driving 21 years this year Grin Good luck op you’ll be fabulous!! Flowers

Loki1983 · 26/01/2018 18:13

I was exactly the same. 4th time lucky #noshame

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