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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to invoice MIL for these replacements?

220 replies

Sprinklestar · 18/01/2018 15:12

Tricky one. Stayed with PIL before Xmas, headed to my family and then back again for New Year with PIL. Left a small case of things at PIL’s, no issue there. Get back to find MIL has taken it upon herself to go through my stuff and wash it. In the process, she has damaged a couple of things (think shrunk in the dryer). They’re beyond saving. At the time I discovered this I was livid but just said thank you for trying to help but nothing (a) needed washing and (b) these things are now ruined. She muttered something about sending her the bill for replacements. I put said items in the kitchen bin...

DH tried to talk to her about what she’d done but all she’d say was that was how she washes her things - no apology, apparently I should be grateful that she’s done it (except - again - nothing needed washing!! - and not to mention the total invasion of privacy!). So, I went shopping yesterday and it’s cost £75 to replace the items. Dare I send her a bill? WIBU to do so? She has form for this kind of thing and ruined SIL’s sports gear not so long ago. She’s not got dementia - she just thinks she knows best!

OP posts:
Teapotmadam · 18/01/2018 15:14

I wouldn't is it really worth all the bad feeling and argument.

fleurdelacourt · 18/01/2018 15:14

She was trying to do something nice! To send any kind of invoice could permanently damage your relationship -is it worth it?

TheNoseyProject · 18/01/2018 15:15

Urgh I’d be mad but if she doesn’t get she’s done anything wrong I would leave it before it spirals.

SandAndSea · 18/01/2018 15:15

I wouldn't. But I would be locking my case etc in future.

Original poster
Sprinklestar · 18/01/2018 15:18

This is the thing - trying to do something nice or being a manipulative old cow? It’s not the first time something like this has happened and whereas before I have given her the benefit of the doubt, this time she didn’t wash my stuff by accident. She went into a zipped up case and took it upon herself to decide that my clean stuff needed a wash and then trashed it in the dryer. I am beginning to think this is deliberate!

OP posts:
Tissunnyupnorth · 18/01/2018 15:18

I don’t get the impression she did it on purpose, therefore an accident. Do you really send bills to family members if you want a good future relationship with yourselves and any children you have now or in the future?

Bluelady · 18/01/2018 15:18

Moral of story: never leave stuff in other people's houses. What an intrusion of your privacy, that's far worse than ruining your clothes.

SandAndSea · 18/01/2018 15:18

I disagree that she was trying to do something nice. Doing something nice would have been putting your case somewhere safe for the duration, not going through it. To me, that's a massive invasion of privacy and not at all nice.

DriggleDraggle · 18/01/2018 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sprinklestar · 18/01/2018 15:20

Ps - just to clarify. I am not a dirty person who avoids washing! Everything was washed and folded - didn’t even look/smell like it might need a clean...

OP posts:
BaffledMummy · 18/01/2018 15:20

It would annoy me no end but I wouldn’t bill her and I probably wouldn’t have told her to put it in the bin. Just make sure you don’t leave anything in future. Sounds like she actually was trying to do you a good turn despite the terrible result!

Proudmummytodc2 · 18/01/2018 15:21

See I think if you send invoice you will need to be prepared for the fall out.

But at end of the day that was a massive invasion of privacy she had no right to open your case never mind touch your stuff and wash it.

The thing is if it was me I wouldn't have the money to replace it and if it's expensive stuff then I will charge you.

My mum and dad kept ruining my kids stuff until I told them they were going to have to start replacing if they kept doing it and suddenly it stopped.

My sister went and took my DD for the day sge asked to take her btw and she took her to the beach and left her brand new trainers there i was ragin and if she had the money to replace I would have charged her the £40 to replace them.

I don't see why I should have to pay double for something someone else done.

So I'm with you I'd ask for the money back as £75 is a lot of money, well it is to me anyway. I also think this was done deliberately.

Twistofanxiety · 18/01/2018 15:24

I would not invoice her - i would say nothing - but I would learn my lesson and never trust her again.

QueenDaisy · 18/01/2018 15:24

If she’d looked at the instructions labels, she would have seen the ‘no tumble dry’ symbol along with the number to wash it on, e.g 30 degrees, she either didn’t look or did & ignored them. I wouldn’t charge her for the replacements but would mention in a future conversation how much they cost. Also, next time, I wouldn’t leave anything there, she shouldn’t have been looking through your things.

Original poster
Sprinklestar · 18/01/2018 15:24

She’s a funny one. Falls out with people (her brother, her own MIL). Has ideas about how people should behave and woe betide those who don’t conform. She is great with my DC, her one saving grace, but she resents not being in charge, hates that they’re my DC and not hers and has never really thought me to be good enough for her son. She had a go at me at Xmas for not being consistent with rules for the kids. Except she wanted me to go along with her rules and not mine! They’re my DC! She gave me a lecture about how she felt undermined (I’d said DS could have a snack and she doesn’t like kids snacking). I was like - we’ll be consistent but as they’re my DC, we’ll follow my rules!

I am 70% convinced she’s done this on purpose as a weird power play.

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 18/01/2018 15:25

I would have a way bigger issue that she thought it was appropriate to go through your things. It was a closed case, not a pile of clothes left on the floor or anything, right? Why did she open it?

Handsfull13 · 18/01/2018 15:28

I'd ask your husband what he thinks. It's his mother and he will also have to deal with the fall out aswell. If he wants to talk to her about it or backs you in sending her a bill then do it. ( I'd tell her you've had to replace it all and it came to £75 so would she mind paying half)
If he wants to let it go then it might be best to follow his lead. On the provision that if it happens again you will call her out on it straight away and she will be asked to give you the money straight away to go and buy replacements.

Original poster
Sprinklestar · 18/01/2018 15:28

Katharina - yes, a closed case tucked down the side of the bed in DH’s old childhood bedroom. She’ll have had to go looking for things to wash, that’s for certain. Interestingly, she didn’t wash any of DH’s stuff (another small bag, think airline carry on). God knows why she opened it. So cheeky!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sprinklestar · 18/01/2018 15:29

Hands - why half?

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 18/01/2018 15:29

I'm struggling to believe that a mature woman wouldn't know firstly, not to go into your private space and secondly, how to wash things without ruining them. Whatever, I would put a bit more space between you.

Original poster
Sprinklestar · 18/01/2018 15:30

There’s currently the whole of the Atlantic Ocean Sand so that’s not a problem for now!

OP posts:
SandAndSea · 18/01/2018 15:31

Maybe she tried them on and got makeup or coffee or something else staining on them? Ooo, the plot thickens!!

PricillaQueenOfTheDesert · 18/01/2018 15:31

It’s obviously not an accident, as she didn’t accidentally wash and ruin your clothes, but as for the £75. I’d suck it up rather than make matters any worse.

I’d also not bother to visit her again, but that’s just me.

GammaDelta · 18/01/2018 15:31

Not worth having bad feelings for the rest of your lives.

Thymeout · 18/01/2018 15:32

Unless there is a massive back story, I think you're paranoid to imagine your mil would go to such complicated lengths to destroy your clothes.

Isn't it much more likely she was putting a wash on, only had half a load, saw your suitcase and thought she'd save you some trouble? People usually have the clothes they've worn in their suitcase when they're leaving after a visit. Obviously, she doesn't feel it was an invasion of privacy and would have been pleased if someone had done the same for her.

Annoying, I agree, but ridiculous to send her a bill for what was an accident.