WIBU to invoice MIL for these replacements?

[Sprinklestar]

Tricky one. Stayed with PIL before Xmas, headed to my family and then back again for New Year with PIL. Left a small case of things at PIL’s, no issue there. Get back to find MIL has taken it upon herself to go through my stuff and wash it. In the process, she has damaged a couple of things (think shrunk in the dryer). They’re beyond saving. At the time I discovered this I was livid but just said thank you for trying to help but nothing (a) needed washing and (b) these things are now ruined. She muttered something about sending her the bill for replacements. I put said items in the kitchen bin...

DH tried to talk to her about what she’d done but all she’d say was that was how she washes her things - no apology, apparently I should be grateful that she’s done it (except - again - nothing needed washing!! - and not to mention the total invasion of privacy!). So, I went shopping yesterday and it’s cost £75 to replace the items. Dare I send her a bill? WIBU to do so? She has form for this kind of thing and ruined SIL’s sports gear not so long ago. She’s not got dementia - she just thinks she knows best!

Good grief she was trying to be helpful!! Invoicing her would be Appalling

Some people really do miss the point, don't they?

@TwoDrifters

Nice approach

@Thymeout

Do you go through people's suitcases when they stay with you?

Nanny No - but I can imagine a set of circs in which my mother would have done. She hated doing a half-empty wash - wicked waste - and would have actively searched for stuff to fill the machine. She came from a large family and wouldn't have been squeamish about someone doing her washing.

I wouldn't invoice her. I would stay with them again and get padlocks for all suitcases. I would mention this next time when she is doing "I know the best" song.
She definitely didn't try to be nice she was snooping. Could be that she tried something on or even wore it so it needed washing afterwards?
Other things look more worrying -- it doesn't sound like you can trust her and she doesn't respect your parenting choices.

TwoDrifters approach is good.

What is it with all these people justifying rootling through other people's suitcases in search of washing? If you don't have enough for a full load and regard it as a 'wicked waste' to do half a load, then don't put the fucking washing machine on until you have enough to fill it!

Thymeout - then your mother would have faced the same criticism. You do not go through a closed case, looking for stuff to wash. That stuff belongs to someone else. She may have a lax approach to privacy, but I don't. And most people don't. that;s why we have etiquette.

I was going to post that OP should wait until PIL visit her, staying in their self-contained flatlet. And then go through MILs closed case in their private space to find her dirty knickers to boil-wash, and tumble dry, to see if MIL would get it. But I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. It is such an invasion of privacy, it's cringy.

But some people on here would think it a 'nice' thing to do?

@Thymeout

But it wasn't even her mother, which would have been bad enough, it was MiL and they're not that close!

As a pp said, I'm a MIL and I'm appalled at these MIL threads! My son and his partner come to stay regularly and I just assume that they're adult enough to sort out their own clothes & what needs washing. Are some mothers of adult children so insecure that they need to act batshit crazy to inlaws, particularly DIL's? Surely these mothers know that they're being nuts?
I'd like to think I've equipped my children to live independently with their partners, without interference from me ( unless it is asked for, of course). I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm sure I get in my DIL's nerves sometimes, but I'd be so embarrassed if I acted like some of the MIL's out there

I find it easier to believe that Mil's intentions were good, but misguided, than that she deliberately set out to ruin Op's clothes. If she just wanted to snoop, she could do that without washing the clothes. In fact, by washing the clothes she's given herself away. Obviously, she didn't regard what she did as snooping. It seems an incredibly complicated way of annoying her Dil.

The only back-story we've had to justify Op's paranoia is a dispute over whether Op should have given her dc a snack when Mil had previously refused one. Perhaps because it was too close to lunch?

Who knows? Mil could be the psycho bitch from hell. It's just that equally there could be an innocent explanation.

There is no reason why a normal functioning adult would snoop in someone's else's case (most would assume dirty laundry) OP can manage her own laundry and specifically said she didn't want MIL to do it!

The fact that MIL knew best and rode roughshod over OPs wishes suggests it wasn't an act of kindness and in the process ruined the clothes to boot

Thymeout - I would have given her the benefit of the doubt in the past, but these things keep happening. And keep happening. They can’t all be ‘accidents’ as a result ‘just trying to help’. Hence, I’m now of the mind that she’s doing it on purpose, for whatever twisted end.

Green I can't find any post where Op said she specifically told her MIL not to do her washing'??

Green I can't find any post where Op said she specifically told her MIL not to do her washing'??

Why would you even think you had to do that???!

You've put your belongings away in a case. Why would you then specifically say 'Please don't rummage around in my case to wash my special/expensive clothes that don't actually need it'?

Sheesh!

Nanny

Read GreenTulip's post. She said that Op had 'specifically'
said to MIL not to do her washing. And that therefore MIL had 'ridden roughshod over Op's wishes'.

I can't find any reference to this in Op's posts.

If you send her a bill there is no coming back from it.
That will be talked about / held against you long after you've forgotten about the clothes.
Was thinking this post might be a joke... if it's not don't do it.

You have to have an ongoing relationship with this person - if you can afford to replace these items then I think it may be best to walk away from this one.

Of course I didn’t tell MIL not to wash my stuff. Because no sane adult would rummage through a guest’s case uninvited searching for things that could do with a quick spin... That’s like saying it would be ok for her to take my car for a drive or anything else she chose, because I hadn’t specifically told her not to!

You say DH has a DBro - so the SIL whose sports clothes MIL ruined is your MIL's DIL? And that your DH had also left a little bag that held stuff not rifled through, washed and ruined? This is a deliberate power thing to piss you off. I'd tell DH you're sad that replacing what she ruined without being asked was going to cost your family x amount and remind him MIL said she's pay to replace it and ask if he can talk with her about how much it all will be and if she was serious in her offer. If you act uncertain and not wanting to offend her, he's less likely to blindly defend her or get swayed when she gets in his ear when he speaks with her. She sounds like a bit of a cow.

Op - I was querying Greentulip's post, because she said you DID have a conversation about MIL washing your clothes and she went ahead anyway.

Glad you've cleared it up.