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AIBU?

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Original poster

WIBU to invoice MIL for these replacements?

220 replies

Sprinklestar · 18/01/2018 15:12

Tricky one. Stayed with PIL before Xmas, headed to my family and then back again for New Year with PIL. Left a small case of things at PIL’s, no issue there. Get back to find MIL has taken it upon herself to go through my stuff and wash it. In the process, she has damaged a couple of things (think shrunk in the dryer). They’re beyond saving. At the time I discovered this I was livid but just said thank you for trying to help but nothing (a) needed washing and (b) these things are now ruined. She muttered something about sending her the bill for replacements. I put said items in the kitchen bin...

DH tried to talk to her about what she’d done but all she’d say was that was how she washes her things - no apology, apparently I should be grateful that she’s done it (except - again - nothing needed washing!! - and not to mention the total invasion of privacy!). So, I went shopping yesterday and it’s cost £75 to replace the items. Dare I send her a bill? WIBU to do so? She has form for this kind of thing and ruined SIL’s sports gear not so long ago. She’s not got dementia - she just thinks she knows best!

OP posts:
MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 19/01/2018 18:14

I wouldn’t invoice her but I’d make sure I dropped it into a conversation sometime about how much it cost. Otherwise she’ll think she got away with walking all over you like it didn’t matter. Can’t believe she didn’t offer to replace it.

Bugger all round doing other people’s washing though. I have enough of my own.

WFPB · 19/01/2018 18:16

Shock hollowtree!

I wouldn't send the invoice but I would definitely we wary of her now. Lots of odd behaviour there.

My MIL is a nightmare for washing things too (although I really don't think she would've gone in a shut case!). As she has been a housewife for the last 40 years and seems perfectly competent at washing her own clothes I had to come to the conclusion that it was PA. I explicitly asked her not to wash any of the DC clothes but it didn't stop her.

Last time she decided to wash DS's brand new, beloved, white football strip when he got mud all over it. He was only there for two hours and had spare clothes. She decided to wash it. This seemed to comprise of rinsing it under the tap so that all the mud stains were still there and then tumble drying it on high to set the stains. She presented it when we were leaving. I pointed out that she had set the stains by tumble drying it when it wasn't properly clean. Zero remorse or care about that - which confirmed the PA nature of it imo. To be fair I did get the stains out but it took a fair amount of effort then and it all seemed so pointless - he wouldn't wear it when it still had all the mud stains on it. Just why?!

caoraich · 19/01/2018 18:20

I think you're right OP and this wasn't really a mistake. I wouldn't invoice her but I'd send her a link to the replacement (if available online) thanking her so much for organising to replace it.

My DP's mum did the same to me one time we stayed.

We were asleep upstairs, she crept into the bedroom while we were still asleep and gathered up all the clothes she could find (never mind that we'd packed them away in our overnight bags), including my expensive cashmere jumper which she then tumble dried for two hours.

DP marched her to the shops to replace it but it was vintage and the new one isn't the same Angry

isthistoonosy · 19/01/2018 18:26

I've not rtft, but given you live in diff countries are you from diff cultures - are you English and her something else? If so seems a bit pointless asking loads of mostly English women if her actions were malicious or not and if you should therefore send her a bill.

my SIL would def have done this a few yrs back, and is very slap dash, help everyone and ruin things in her approach to 'helping' but seems to be thanked and liked by others in her village (abroad) for all her help, so I guess its a cultural thing.

Italiangreyhound · 19/01/2018 18:31

@Sprinklestar of course you would be unreasonable for invoicing your mother in law!

I hope now you will not leave anything in her house at any time. She can't be trusted and she isn't sorry. It's a shame. She was trying to do something nice/or being nosy, either way, she is not sorry and she may well do it again. So don't give her the chance.

I am totally with you that what she did was infuriating but in the grand scheme of things £75 is nothing compared to falling out with family. Put this behind you and don't leave anything in her home again.

(I've not read everything here, so my comment is just about the clothes.)

Springprim · 19/01/2018 18:33

No, but don't let her touch your things again. People make mistakes.

starfishmummy · 19/01/2018 18:39

Someone said she was tryig to do something nice. I disagree, dki g something nice would have been asking if you had any washing not nksinv through your bag.

Would I invoice her? Probably not.as I wouldn't want to give her the satisfaction she would get from moaning about it. Would I stay again...probably not.

perfectstorm · 19/01/2018 18:44

Next time take two cases. Lock the one with your actual things in, and fill the other with the most overtly sexual lingerie you can find, together with some sex manuals and sex toys.

I mean, she goes snooping, and it's not your issue what she finds, is it?

Ihatemarmite123 · 19/01/2018 18:46

My MIL is obsessed with washing other people's clothes. She used to ask for my clothes all the time, even after I'd given birth she said I must have something to wash... I do but your not having them. I never gave her anything, never would, my own mother doesn't even do my washing, not since I was 13

perfectstorm · 19/01/2018 18:46

Don't invoice her, though. I can't see any way this wasn't deliberate, given they were clean, washed and folded in a case (who does that, with dirty clothes? Doesn't everyone put those in separate plastic bags and even then just put in a case when you leave, so they don't contaminate the clean ones?) and she didn't touch her own son's. As such, if you do charge her to replace it will just amp up the situation and in a weird way I think it will be engaging, if that makes sense. Just never refer to it at all.

And be very glad there is an ocean between you.

Wow1234 · 19/01/2018 18:55

I can soooooo relate to this and feel your pain. My MIL has form for just taking our washing from the bin when we are on holiday without asking. I've lost track of how many of my expensive wool jumpers have been ruined because they have been spun or put in the dryer. It pisses me off no end. I now try to either hide the wash bin or do all the washing before we go away. I saw red last time and made my husband buy me two new jumpers to replace the ruined ones. Grrrrrrrrrrr.

KriticalSoul · 19/01/2018 18:56

Maybe I just have an unusually nice mother, but if that had been my mom, it wouldn't be a question of invoicing her, she'd be mortified she'd ruined something and be offering/insisting on covering the cost of replacement!

It wouldn't even cross her mind (or mine) to expect me to pay for something she ruined.

justoneday · 19/01/2018 19:25

Do you think DH has told MIL about the past incident and she did it on purpose because of your reaction to him last time? She must have known it'd piss you off but you couldn't show it as much as you could to DH

missnevermind · 19/01/2018 19:27

When we were dating DH borrowed an expensive vintage leather jacket of mine to walk home in the rain one night. As it was summer and I only wore it in the winter i forgot about it for about 6 weeks. When I asked for it back I was told it looked a bit old so she had sent it to the charity shop.

Smudge100 · 19/01/2018 19:46

She sounds like a passive aggressive nightmare. It really isn’t acceptable to go through other people’s personal clothing and certainly not to wash them without permission! It’s not like you don’t have your own washing machine. She obviously also feels confident enough to criticise your parenting. I think if you invoice her you are playing her at her game when this is a much bigger issue than just the clothing. The whole relationship between you needs redefining and you can do that in much more subtle ways.

Original poster
Sprinklestar · 19/01/2018 19:58

Thanks for the responses today. Ok, so if I don’t invoice her, what do we do going forward? I can avoid staying there in future, so that’s one thing. I can refer to the incident in a ‘jokey’ way, possibly also including in this the stuff of SIL’s she’s ruined, as in - don’t let X anywhere near your laundry, god knows what state it’ll come back in. But what else? The children, well, I can certainly be less accommodating scheduling visits, and pull her up on every twattish thing she says. Anything else? If it wouldn’t upset DH so much, I’d be tempted to go NC with her.

It’s very hard to describe what she’s like. She is British like us, to the PP who asked if it was cultural, btw. By way of example, we were talking about buying a holiday cottage in the region of the UK where I grew up. Straight away, she went into a rant about how there were some nasty parts of X. I turned it right back on her and said there were some nasty parts of the county where she lives, as there are of most places. She went on and on about how ‘You have to admit, X is a nasty area.’ How fucking rude! It literally took FIL, the world’s least aware man, to step in and defend me before she really said something that would have ended our relationship for good.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sprinklestar · 19/01/2018 20:02

To add, we used to ‘get on’ before I had children. She has a huge huge issue with control, wanting her house and so on to be the centre of all family activities and events, she wanted her Xmas traditions and hers only (the reason we went to my family for Xmas itself), in the past she tried to organize a Christening for DC1 (we are not even religious, though she is) and she twists things all the time. Hilariously, she fell out with a friend and her husband for a year as they voted for Brexit (just made up now). Writing it all down, I don’t know why I’m not NC already!!!

OP posts:
strangerhoesagain · 19/01/2018 20:04

Send the bitch the bill.

Notasperfectasallothermners · 19/01/2018 20:27

Buy a Barbie outfit and take it next visit. Pull it from your handbag and declare it the outfit of yours she ruined!!

GreenTulips · 19/01/2018 20:54

You need to get into repeat mode

'There's some nasty parts of X'
Don't retaliate
SAY 'there's some nasty parts of X?' Head tilt

It's now back to her to explain what she means .... she won't be expecting to explain ... she's expecting an argument! Don't give her one.

She can't twist anything if you don't give her the ammunition

Try it out!

Nomoocluck · 19/01/2018 21:11

With the ruined clothes, what you need to do is to casually drop into so conversation that your DH has decided to treat you to a massive shopping spree on account of the ruined items. That will really annoy her.

She's trying to get you to pick a fight then play "only trying to be helpful" victim. Don't give it to her , act breezy and excited at the prospect of spending her son's money the feminist in me knows this is all kinds of wrong and watch her seethe.

Crumbs1 · 19/01/2018 21:19

You aren’t be very kind or very forgiving. I know it’s irritating as my mother did likewise many years ago when I’d just treated myself to three cashmere jumpers (and back then it was a real treat) which she put on a hot wash to stop the middle being itchy. However I suspect she was trying to be helpful rather than an interfering controlling old bag. Forgiveness makes the person forgiving feel so much better.
Moving forward, ditch the anger and when you next leave a case or clothing at her house just say specifically either that they are clean or can only be dry cleaned so absolutely don’t wash them please.

5plusMeAndHim · 19/01/2018 21:36

So how much did you pay for you and your family's 2 stays at her house? Full market rate for a hotel in the area i hope?

MsJudgemental · 19/01/2018 21:57

This is the sort of thing my mother would have done. That’s one of the many reasons that we’re now NC.

Strygil · 19/01/2018 22:12

For Christ's sake what sort of a mercenary harridan are you? Your mother in law was trying to be helpful, and you should be generous enough to accept that what she did was a mistake. God preserve me from having an ungrateful cow like you as a DIL.