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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to invoice MIL for these replacements?

220 replies

Sprinklestar · 18/01/2018 15:12

Tricky one. Stayed with PIL before Xmas, headed to my family and then back again for New Year with PIL. Left a small case of things at PIL’s, no issue there. Get back to find MIL has taken it upon herself to go through my stuff and wash it. In the process, she has damaged a couple of things (think shrunk in the dryer). They’re beyond saving. At the time I discovered this I was livid but just said thank you for trying to help but nothing (a) needed washing and (b) these things are now ruined. She muttered something about sending her the bill for replacements. I put said items in the kitchen bin...

DH tried to talk to her about what she’d done but all she’d say was that was how she washes her things - no apology, apparently I should be grateful that she’s done it (except - again - nothing needed washing!! - and not to mention the total invasion of privacy!). So, I went shopping yesterday and it’s cost £75 to replace the items. Dare I send her a bill? WIBU to do so? She has form for this kind of thing and ruined SIL’s sports gear not so long ago. She’s not got dementia - she just thinks she knows best!

OP posts:
whiskyowl · 18/01/2018 16:08

Ooops, missed your subsequent posts saying you think it was deliberate. In that case don't let it drop. Just keep bringing it up, every single time she offers you unsolicited advice or is a busybody.

NeopolitanChocolates · 18/01/2018 16:09

Sounds deliberate to me. I'm a mil and would never touch dil's personal belongings. I don't even go in their room when the stay, not without knocking and certainly never if they're out. I think that is an invasion of their privacy.

RhiannonOHara · 18/01/2018 16:09

That's a fucking outrage. Of course it's deliberate –why only your stuff and not DH's? And how dare she not apologise!?

Bill her. Well, actually, get your DH to bill her.

In future, I wouldn't stay with her. Or, if you must, lock your case. I dare her to ask why you've put a lock on it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 18/01/2018 16:12

Of course you can't bill her. It's pretty obvious the pair of you dislike each other from what you've written.

BrownBrown · 18/01/2018 16:12

Type out print out and then bin....

Not worth it (but might get it out of your system to type up :-) )

LanaDReye · 18/01/2018 16:13

Sounds like control issues. I wouldn't send an invoice but I would avoid her.

NoCanoe · 18/01/2018 16:22

She was being nosey, as @Still said.
I wouldn't invoice her, just make a point of padlocking case next time.

Original poster
Sprinklestar · 18/01/2018 16:26

Definite control issues! She hates the fact that DH and his brother have their own lives. I’m the one who’s blamed if DH doesn’t toe the line, you know? Never his fault, always the DIL!

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 18/01/2018 16:26

Dare I send her a bill?

Do people do this to their family??

I really am surprised and glad that I get on so well with my own DIL's!

pinkyredrose · 18/01/2018 16:26

Of course it was deliberate! Hmm She didn't accidentally open your case and accidentally wash your stuff! I'd be mega pissed off in your shoes.

RhiannonOHara · 18/01/2018 16:32

Dare I send her a bill?
Do people do this to their family??

More to the point, do people really take it upon themselves to go through a relative's things and wash them without need/permission?

ziggiestardust · 18/01/2018 16:33

You can’t bill her. You really can’t. It will just exacerbate an already shit situation. I wonder if anyone commenting to bill her would actually do it themselves if they were in that situation 🤔 It’s the MIL equivalent of LTB.

I would avoid staying with them again, and get a hotel. Insist that you can’t possibly have her going to the trouble of hosting and having to wash/clean up after you. Really insist and stick to your guns. And in future, I wouldn’t leave so much as a handkerchief at her house.

greenhighlighter · 18/01/2018 16:33

This reply has been deleted

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NoCanoe · 18/01/2018 16:36

So, @greenhighligter, you think it ok to rummage through a closed case left by a family member or any guest at your home?
I'd rethink your boundaries!

VivaJen · 18/01/2018 16:37

Definitley deliberate but don't send a bill. I would have DH have a conversation with her to make her aware of the cost and how disappointed you were that she did this (don't let her away with the "just trying to help" line). He could use this as a way to bring up her behaviour to your family and his brother's. She clearly has issues and they should be addressed constructively otherwise if it continues it puts her relationship with her DGC at risk.

Treesybreezy · 18/01/2018 16:42

Hahaha bollocks you would smear jam, you've overdone the frothing there!

Asking for a replacement? Depends whether you want to talk to her again - but you know, general rule of life is hat you fix stuff/pay for new for things you break, even if it's an accident, so MIL is being rude even if she washed them out of the goodness of her heart

Treesybreezy · 18/01/2018 16:42

Hahaha bollocks you would smear jam, you've overdone the frothing there!

Asking for a replacement? Depends whether you want to talk to her again - but you know, general rule of life is hat you fix stuff/pay for new for things you break, even if it's an accident, so MIL is being rude even if she washed them out of the goodness of her heart

flobella · 18/01/2018 16:43

@greenhighlighter You would "smear jam on her face???"

flobella · 18/01/2018 16:44

@greenhighlighter You would smear jam on her face??? Really? Genuine question.

ziggiestardust · 18/01/2018 16:46

@greenhighlighter genuine question; does it have to be jam? Would any other condiment do for smearing purposes?

flobella · 18/01/2018 16:46

@greenhighlighter You would "smear jam on her face???"

ziggiestardust · 18/01/2018 16:46

@greenhighlighter genuine question; does it have to be jam? Would any other condiment do for smearing purposes?

GottaGetThisDone · 18/01/2018 16:46

I don't think it was accidental by reading OP post. To purposely go into someone else packing and remove items is a major invasion of privacy and I just could let that go, I'd be livid, As a grown woman MIL or not she can't get away with it. I'd be telling her it was replaced and the cost, if she offers to pay I'd accept - but I'd be prepared for her not to even think about offering. I think she knows what she has done and is quite sure she wont have any repercussions about it, so time give her sharp shock

Caprinihahahaha · 18/01/2018 16:49

It’s totslly understandable that you are annoyed especially as you don’t trust her motives but don’t bill her
It will just make you look very petty and a bit of a dick, as would retaliating by breaking a vase or whatever other nonsense has been suggested (albeit hopefully tongue in cheek)

You are forwarded. Don’t trust her to respect your privacy and protect yourself. But take the high ground - you’ll feel better as being the bigger person eventually brings its own reward

coffeeforone · 18/01/2018 16:49

YABU - £75 worth of stuff isn’t worth quibbling about. IMO id write it off as annoying to save the argument. My mum ‘helps’ by washing my DS’s clothes whenever we visit - and never separates the whites and darks so without fail the whites get ruined every time. I tell her every time and she snaps back things like she’s good enough to wash them, I’m being ungrateful etc. I’ve given up on it now and just don’t take decent clothes to hers!

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