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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

WIBU to invoice MIL for these replacements?

220 replies

Sprinklestar · 18/01/2018 15:12

Tricky one. Stayed with PIL before Xmas, headed to my family and then back again for New Year with PIL. Left a small case of things at PIL’s, no issue there. Get back to find MIL has taken it upon herself to go through my stuff and wash it. In the process, she has damaged a couple of things (think shrunk in the dryer). They’re beyond saving. At the time I discovered this I was livid but just said thank you for trying to help but nothing (a) needed washing and (b) these things are now ruined. She muttered something about sending her the bill for replacements. I put said items in the kitchen bin...

DH tried to talk to her about what she’d done but all she’d say was that was how she washes her things - no apology, apparently I should be grateful that she’s done it (except - again - nothing needed washing!! - and not to mention the total invasion of privacy!). So, I went shopping yesterday and it’s cost £75 to replace the items. Dare I send her a bill? WIBU to do so? She has form for this kind of thing and ruined SIL’s sports gear not so long ago. She’s not got dementia - she just thinks she knows best!

OP posts:
hollowtree · 19/01/2018 22:24

WFPB imagine invoicing for that! Grin

TwoBobs · 19/01/2018 22:46

No advice but I would fantasise about the next time I stayed there. Lock your stuff in your car so it's safe. Then go through her drawers, grab a load of stuff, wash it, dry it on the highest setting. Then, when she complains about ruined items, say 'I thought I was doing you a favour!' Grin

LightDrizzle · 19/01/2018 22:48

I like Two Bobs suggestion!

goldengimbas · 19/01/2018 23:00

Strygil have you read the op. The MIL went in a SHUT case, took the OPs stuff but left her sons stuff
Maybe you think it's normal for a MIL to nosy in a suit case and wash things that are clean buts its really not. The Op could have had anything in that case, and if it's in her case it is private

Sprinklestar · 19/01/2018 23:10

5plus - nothing! But then the PILs don’t pay to stay with us - arguably in a much better location and they have free use of our basement apartment when they’re here - like a self contained flat!

OP posts:
pastabakewithcheese · 20/01/2018 00:32

I would make DH reimburse you then he can deal with if he wanted to recover the costs from his Mum. Takes you out of the equation when and if there is a confrontation

Nanny0gg · 20/01/2018 00:52

@Strygil
For Christ's sake what sort of a mercenary harridan are you? Your mother in law was trying to be helpful, and you should be generous enough to accept that what she did was a mistake. God preserve me from having an ungrateful cow like you as a DIL.

Nice.

You ever thought of RTFT before being so nasty?

'Trying to be helpful' my arse.

HelenUrth · 20/01/2018 01:28

Been there with my mother. Remember as a teenager saving for ages for a Benetton white cotton sweater. Bought it and proudly spread it on my (perfectly made) bed to admire, then went out.
When I came back it was missing and mummy dearest was gone to bed. Eventually found it "carefully hand washed" and hung on the clothes line by the bottom seams, not even the shoulders, while soaking wet.
Totally beyond reshaping.
But it was "my fault" as I "shouldn't have left clothes lying on the bed" or she wouldn't have thought it needed washing.

I feel for you op, these bitches get some sort of warped pleasure out of ruining things then acting like they were doing you a favour. Then they can whinge to other people about how ungrateful you are.

It's obvious from this thread that there are a lot of lucky people who can't imagine this being done to them. I have to admit being jealous. It must be lovely not to have this passive aggressive shit going on.

Don't send her an invoice, this is exactly what she wants. She will whine to anyone who will listen to her about what an ungrateful DIL she has and will wave your invoice in their faces as proof.

If you must stay in MIL's again, I'd suggest:
a) Get a bag with a lock on it to keep your stuff in.
b) Send her a message thanking her for her help and explain that your clothes are carefully selected and require very careful handwashing, and that her loving gesture has cost you a lot of money, but never mind, it's so sweet, every time you think of your ruined "whatever", you will think fondly of her misplaced efforts to help. "Such a cute thing for you to do even though it didn't work out, luckily DH's clothes escaped the same fate ha-ha-ha".

So instead of her painting herself as someone who was only trying to help but didn't get it right, you're doing that and saying you forgive her (even though you may not be forgiving her). This is not what she wants.

She will probably make some snide reference next time you stay like "I better not wash that in case you think I'd ruin it". Your response is a tinkly laugh "Do you remember MIL when you destroyed so much of my clothes when you were kindly washing them (even though they were clean). I think it was the sweetest gesture gone wrong ever. Does anyone else have a story to top this one?" Go on, and on, and on about it, it was SOOOO funny, and the SIZE of the whatever compared to how it used to be, and you meant SO well you must have been GUTTED when you realised what you'd done, etc. etc.

She will know exactly what you mean and will shut the fuck up. (IME).

A possible c) is that you "return the favour" - grab every stitch of hers you can put your eyes on. Shame about that red sock that someone left in the washing machine ...

CosyLulu · 20/01/2018 07:17

I’ve got the solution OP!

Get a trick case with a jack-in-the-box mechanism inside it so that when she opens it something leaps out at her! Like really filthy underwear or ... jam! Surely a jam splatter is better than a smear?

MdNdD · 20/01/2018 07:42

Send your husband the bill and suggest an Airbnb for next time.

goldengimbas · 20/01/2018 08:09

Notice when people don't read the thread and are really nasty based on one or two lines they read they don't come back and apologise when people point out what they have done

SandAndSea · 20/01/2018 08:09

Presumably, I'm not the only one utterly gobsmacked at how many people think it's fine to go through someone else's case??

I would have assumed it was a given that most people wouldn't do this. But by the sounds of it, we ALL need to be locking our cases in future.

SandAndSea · 20/01/2018 08:21

How would she feel if she was staying at yours and you went into her case when she was out and messed up her clothes, you know, "to help"?

I think if you're going to raise this issue with her, use the cost/disappointment about the damage as a way-in to talk about the invasion of privacy. I think you need to make your boundaries clear.

lisahpost · 20/01/2018 08:24

Good grief she was trying to be helpful!!
Invoicing her would be Appalling

lisahpost · 20/01/2018 08:29

But personally if not go through someone cases !!
Stilll invoicing MIL is ridiculous

FlouncyDoves · 20/01/2018 08:32

Go for it. But don’t come back on here when they’ve died moaning you and DH got cut out of the will.

SandAndSea · 20/01/2018 08:33

@lisahpost - I'm genuinely curious here: do you think it's fine do go through someone else's case, without asking and in their absence? And if yes, where do you draw the line? Is it fine to go through someone's handbag too? What about their bedroom drawers?

SandAndSea · 20/01/2018 08:34

X-post

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 20/01/2018 08:57

I'd stay in a hotel next visit. If she complains your Dh needs to tell her, "we can't trust you not to go through our things and ruin clothes, it cost me £75 last time so we are soending the money on a hotel to save our clothes being ruined".

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 20/01/2018 08:57

soending? Spending.

poopsqueak · 20/01/2018 09:02

Awful to say but that’s exactly what’s happened in my family. My brother has assimilated into his new wife’s family and even though they live very close never really comes to see us/my daughter unless I initiate contact. His wife’s family, sees all the time. No hard feelings just a bit sad.

poopsqueak · 20/01/2018 09:02

Oops wrong thread!

Frillyhorseyknickers · 20/01/2018 09:23

“Trying to be helpful” would be asking “does anything in your suitcase need washing whilst you’re at your family?”

Being a fucking interfering controlling weirdo is going through someone else’s belongings and deciding what needs washing.

I wouldn’t send her the bill, but I would hold a grudge and secretly fume about what a complete wanker she is.

TwoDrifters · 20/01/2018 10:46

I think, as PP have said, an invoice would totally backfire on you. But maybe you could get the point across in a “polite” way?

Phone your MIL and say “I know you begrudgingly muttered said you wanted to pay for my things that were ruined in the wash, but I’ve managed to replace them now, and the cost came to £75. I’m really not happy to ask you to spend that much, it’s such a lot of money. DH and I have discussed it and decided we would rather just pay for it ourselves and we’ll be careful next time to put locks on our suitcases to prevent any future accidents. I wanted to let you know as I knew you’d be worrying.”

That way you’ve told her precisely how much damage she’s caused. She knows you and your DH have discussed it and are on the same page. And you’ve pointed out that you will now have to keep your things under lock and key in her house. All whilst coming across as a thoughtful and reasonable DIL.

Thymeout · 20/01/2018 10:58

coming across as a thoughtful and reasonable DIL

More like a passive aggressive manipulative DIL who is being disingenuous and taking me for a fool not to see what she's doing.

I'm sure, from the tone of her posts on here, that MIL is fully aware of Op's displeasure from her reaction at the time and the way she ostentatiously put the clothes in the household bin.

I don't think MIL was being malicious or has such strong feelings about privacy as Op. If it hadn't been this, Op would have found something else to complain about after her visit. Op doesn't like her and the feeling is probably mutual. Escalating the incident isn't going to make this any better. Just leave it.