Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want sex with DH anymore?

219 replies

Applepiehigh · 01/01/2018 13:11

Name changed for this.

Ever since we had our child, I have completely gone off sex. We have only had sex a handful of times in the last four years and not at all in the last two years.

It’s not that I can’t be bothered - the thought of it fills me with dread. I am thinking of trying to make myself do it but I just don’t know if i’ll be able to - I think I would find it really traumatic and violating.

DH is lovely and I still find him good looking. He’s been incredibly patient but I know it’s getting to him. I don’t think it’s him - it’s just the idea of sex in general.

Any ideas what I should do? I don’t want to jeopardise our marriage - should I just force myself to do it? AIBU for not doing it?

OP posts:
redannie118 · 01/01/2018 13:16

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns, and so we've agreed to take this down now.

StepAwayFromGoogle · 01/01/2018 13:19

OP, I could have written this post. One nearly 3 year old and another on the way. Since we conceived we haven't had sex. I just don't want to at all, it fills me with dread. So no advice, but a bit of solidarity, and hoping there are some MNetters out there with some good advice.

Betty2416 · 01/01/2018 13:22

If I had not had sex with my oh in 2 years I would be expecting him to be getting it somewhere else and wouldn’t be able to blame him.

Indigo911 · 01/01/2018 13:25

I think 4 years is a very long time to not have sex when in a relationship. Do you do other intimate things like passionate kissing, foreplay etc? Or nothing at all? I do feel a lot of empathy for your situation though and am not judging you.
Could you maybe seek some sort of CBT therapy which might help you to retrain your brain into seeing sex as a positive thing and not something to fear?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/01/2018 13:25

I don't blame you for not wanting to force yourself to do it; so I don't think you are being unreasonable on that front, but I do think it's unreasonable that in two years (four years overall) you haven't tried to get help.

At the end of the day, I wouldn't want to stay in a sexless marriage; and I wouldn't want someone to have to force themselves to have sex with me. I think your DH has been really patient until now and it'd be worth considering why you haven't sought any help for this. Maybe it's more him than you think?

ElspethFlashman · 01/01/2018 13:25

How is he? Is he miserable? Is it starting to take a toll on his self esteem?

divadee · 01/01/2018 13:28

Sex drive can be (note Can!) A use it or lose it thing. The less you have the more you don't want it. I have been in a no sex relationship and it ain't fun. You need to speak to you partner and tell him how you are feeling and seek some help for it.

BarbarianMum · 01/01/2018 13:29

You don't have to have sex ever, with anyone, if you don't want to. It is completely unreasonable to think your dh will be happy about being trapped in a sexless marriage though. Probably best to talk to him about his options though. Is this something that you want to get past, are you happy for him to seek sex elsewhere, divorce?

LunarGirl · 01/01/2018 13:32

Have you been to the GP? Loss of libido can be a medical symptom.

Original poster
Applepiehigh · 01/01/2018 13:34

@ElspethFlashman it’s hard to say - he is a very stiff upper lip type person and doesn’t talk about his feelings at all. But yes I think it is making him a bit miserable and affecting his self esteem.

I wouldn’t blame him for having sex with someone else (although I am pretty sure he never would).

I just don’t know how to fix this. On the one hand I really don’t want my marriage to fail - particularly as we have a child and we are pretty happy together otherwise. But on the other hand I don’t think anyone should have to have sex if they don’t want to.

I guess I should go to the GP but I don’t hold out much hope for any kind of counselling - I can’t imagine it changing how I feel.

OP posts:
Atticusss · 01/01/2018 13:34

Are you breastfeeding? Or on any hormonal contraception? Those things can kill a sex drive dead for some people.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 01/01/2018 13:36

Can I ask....have you masturbated in that time OP? Or felt desire?

hmcAsWas · 01/01/2018 13:36

Its strange how many people think it can be resolved with a bit of counselling. Sometimes people have low (or no) sex drives and no amount of talk therapy will resolve this

liminality · 01/01/2018 13:37

We all feel like that before counselling. You'd be amazed at what difference it can make. If the first counselor isn't quite right, try another. They are trained to help you figure yourself out.

steff13 · 01/01/2018 13:37

Sometimes it can be resolved. You don't know unless you try.

Indigo911 · 01/01/2018 13:38

Was your sex life good before the child?

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 01/01/2018 13:39

HMC I agree with you. That's partly why I asked OP if she's masturbated during this period of no sex. To work out if it's to do with her DH or not.

Booboobooboo84 · 01/01/2018 13:40

From your second response it does sound like this is an emotion driven response to sex. So not about the actual act. Especially as you feel seeking help won’t necessarily help you. Please see the gp and try and arrange some counselling both alone and together. The end goal shouldn’t be sex but intimacy and being able to communicate effectively with each other. Good luck

liminality · 01/01/2018 13:40

@hmcAsWas I think it's because it DOES work for many of us.

I'd say too, that if the OP was happy with zero sex drive, it wouldn't be a problem. But they are obviously feeling conflicted, so in this case, yes, I'd strongly suggest seeking help.

Original poster
Applepiehigh · 01/01/2018 13:40

@BarbarianMum I think I would have to force myself to have sex (I don’t know - once a month or something) if I thought it was getting to the point where we would divorce otherwise.

As for him having sex with other people, whilst I think I could live with it in theory I’m not sure how on earth it could work in practice.

Maybe i’ll Just have to force myself to do it and hope it is a case of the more you have sex, the more your sex drive returns.

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 01/01/2018 13:42

You do need to talk about it with your husband.

BroccoliOnTheFloor · 01/01/2018 13:42

Can you do sexual stuff together which does not involve penetration?

ElspethFlashman · 01/01/2018 13:43

On the one hand I really don’t want my marriage to fail

It is failing though, as one of the participants is miserable.

Hidingtonothing · 01/01/2018 13:43

I would never advocate anyone 'forcing themselves' to have sex when they don't want to but I do think you have to be prepared meet halfway if you want a relationship to work. I would imagine your DH at least needs to know you're not ignoring the problem and are prepared to put some effort into fixing it.

Losing your sex drive after babies is really common and can have lots of different causes (exhaustion, traumatic pregnancies/births and the fear of getting pregnant again, hormonal contraception to name but a few), I think your first step is to start looking into why it's happened for you. A chat with your GP wouldn't hurt in the first instance, to rule out anything physical and to see what help might be available. Relate do sex therapy so that's worth a look too. It doesn't sound like you've fallen out of love or want to leave your DH so its worth putting the effort in to try and get things back on track again. Good luck Flowers

SleepFreeZone · 01/01/2018 13:44

Do you want more children OP?