To not want sex with DH anymore?

[Applepiehigh]

Name changed for this.

Ever since we had our child, I have completely gone off sex. We have only had sex a handful of times in the last four years and not at all in the last two years.

It’s not that I can’t be bothered - the thought of it fills me with dread. I am thinking of trying to make myself do it but I just don’t know if i’ll be able to - I think I would find it really traumatic and violating.

DH is lovely and I still find him good looking. He’s been incredibly patient but I know it’s getting to him. I don’t think it’s him - it’s just the idea of sex in general.

Any ideas what I should do? I don’t want to jeopardise our marriage - should I just force myself to do it? AIBU for not doing it?

Well, luckily, Teejay, he’s a nicer person than you are

And far nicer than you, OP, clearly.

What do you want to happen, ideally?

I've felt like this before. Things got better when I started getting more sleep and the dc are a bit older now. How old is your dc?
Also, I came off the pill. It made a difference and my libido came back. We went from not having sex for months to twice a month now.

I’m sorry - but how exactly am I not a nice person CurryWorst? How am I a bad person for feeling like this? I’ve said it’s not that I can’t be bothered but that this is genuinely very upsetting for me. Are people not nice if they don’t have sex just to keep someone happy, when they would find it incredibly distressing? FFS.

I know it’s AIBU but I sometimes despair at the meaness of some people on here.

Anyway, thanks for everyone who has left constructive comments.

OP I was, in effect, your DH. I spent two years of almost no intimacy and then four years with no intimacy. No kissing bar the occasional peck good night, no cuddling, no sex. Didn't go to the GP. Just said she no longer wanted any physical contact, but still loved me apparently. To be fair, she never had a high libido in the first place, so it wasn't like going from lots to nothing, but lying in bed, night in, night out, with someone you love and who loves you but who doesn't want to touch you, is, quite frankly, soul destroying and over long term completely messes with your mental health and how self esteem. I think I did fucking well trying to live like that for as long as I did and I don't think leaving after that long makes me not a nice person. I was 36 and saw no reason to have to live another 10, 20, 30, 40 years like that. I've actually been single the last 8 years since we split up and I'm fucking lonely as hell and after another Xmas alone (I have almost no family) I quite honestly hope something happens to me so I am not here for another one. But would I go back to that sham of a partnership? Absolutely not.

If you're husband is nice, then at least have the decency to explore your options - and perhaps ensure he has the full information so that HE can explore HIS.

You are not bad for feeling this way OP. You feel how you feel. It is unreasonable to not have sex with a husband - when there are no issues (abuse etc) and NOT do anything or tru to do anything about it.

It's up to you how you want to try and fix, change or end things but something has to happen soon, after 4 years.

But please don't feel bad for how you feel about sex, we feel what we feel.

Wish you luck. :)

It actually made me feel worried and concerned we weren't having sex. I did want to but just didn't have the desire/libido and after breastfeeding I just didn't want to be touched. When things got better though it felt good again.

I am exactly the same OP. No advice, but it is good to know I am not the only one. I sometimes wonder how we'll last, but I'm telling myself that with 3 small kids it's just a phase...

@ShatnersWig My situation sounds different to yours. I never had any problem with my libido before I had my DC, I have never given DH the message that this is it forever. I am completely aware this is not sustainable - hence posting on here to try to get some advice as to what I should do.

Luckily, my DH is a decent, kind man who wouldn’t break up our marriage and our family on the basis of me having developed some kind of psychological problem about sex (about which I am trying to seek advice). If you’ve read the full thread, you will have seen it’s not been the easiest few years for me.

Shatner Please dont do something silly.

OP Again, you're suggesting that anyone who chooses to leave a marriage or relationship where there is no intimacy is anything other than kind and decent and that is fucking unfair. Your DH may well be decent and kind but you may also find there comes a time where he literally cannot live like this any longer. Hopefully, it will get sorted before that stage but if it doesn't, and for HIS own mental well being he chooses to leave, that will not make him no longer decent and kind.

Helena I'm not suicidal, but if I happened to be diagnosed with certain illnesses, I wouldn't bother having any treatment and I'd be quite happy to know I just had X months left to go and would have a thoroughly great time enjoying myself before heading to Switzerland!

Just wanted to say you are not alone although I've lost my libido for completely different reasons. My DH makes absolutely no effort with me, with his appearance or with his personal hygiene. He doesn't always wash and quite often goes to bed wearing the same top that he wore during the day. Over the years he has put weight on to the point where his clothes don't fit. He actually looks years older than his own father. He's in his late 30s but to look at him you would think he's 20 years older. I've tried gently suggesting that he does something about his weight - for health reasons if nothing else - but he can't be bothered. I worry about the example he is setting a bad example for our children. I love him and worry about what would happen to him if I left and he dotes on our children. I also don't know how I would get by as a single parent which is why I haven't left him. Needless to say we don't have sex but if he can't be bothered to put in the effort and doesn't get sex as a result then it can't bother him that much.

I know it’s AIBU but I sometimes despair at the meaness of some people on here

Considering my response to you was about the meaness of your reply to another poster, that is a bit rich.

four years of zero intimacy and you think your husband has never thought of leaving you? Come on now.

It does sound like your marriage is already broken.

No kissing / sex / intimacy for at least 2 years and you haven't visited GP / looked into counselling to get some help?

I would definitely try to get some help ASAP (my first stop would be my GP I guess, to rule out there is nothing going on physically).

I do feel really bad for your DH though. I can't imagine my DP not doing anything to find the cause for so long and living with no intimacy.

Please accept my apologies if I offended you that wasn't my intention.

Your DP may be a nicer person than me, however, having been on the wrong end of a sexless marriage for many years I feel I know things you don't.
You yourself say the current position is unsustainable so you are aware your DH, no matter how lovely, is suffering.
No body should have sex when thet don't want. Everybody has the right to chose cellibacy for themselves if they want. However for most people that choice is incompatible with marriage.
Having your posts again I'm afaid my thoughts have not changed.
I wish you and your DH all the luck in the world.
Again I'm sorry if I have hurt or offended you. I won't post again, hopefully others can offer thoughts that can help you.

Best wishes to you both.

OP you sound just like me. I feel the same. We’ve had a bad couple of years as two of our children have disabilities and would often wake in the night (one still does). I’m on my knees and in part I suspect depressed. I don’t want to feel like this. I feel awful for my dh but a lot of the time I want to be left alone. My youngest is nearly five and only goes to school for two hours a day. She’s very challenging. I’ve facilitated my dh’s career and the activities he wants to do but I’m just about surviving and it feels like part of me has died inside. Taking your dh out of it what is your every day life like? You mention a stressful job and a child with disabilities.

From what I've seen on TV advise programmes etc. They often say to build up to it slowly for example start just doing a nice back massage etc. Then slowly if you feel like it move on. You don't have to go full pelt straight away.

Holding hands. Cuddles. Simple things Then massage and move on from there.

I find that libido is a use it or loose it thing - how about starting off with a private fantasy and maybe working up to masturbation?

We had a sexless period after both of our kids were born, I wouldn't say I forced myself to have sex after a few months but I did make an effort not to turn down every advance as I wanted to to be happy too. I'm not sure I would have if I felt as revolted as you're describing.

I found talking about it really helped, to stop to feeling like I had only wanted him to impregnate me and not afterwards, and also meant to I do a bit if negotiation - there were areas at that time I didn't want touched (nipples too sore from breastfeeding) and I felt happier knowing that he knew not to touch me there.

Therapy is a good suggestion.

Some people carry on in a sex-free marriage for years, if it suits both partners. Some posters seem to think it's imperative to a successful relationship. I don't. I can take it or leave it, as can my dh (Although there have been times I wouldn't blame him for looking elsewhere)I love him but since the birth of my dd don't want to have sex.

OP I can relate to some aspects of your post and I'd like to offer you my support. I think that the main thing is that you are open about your situation and willing to try and change it.
Forcing yourself to engage in sexual activity can create a feeling of togetherness, it might help you 'get back in the saddle' but I think it makes for an uneasy dynamic. You feel guilty for depriving him, you make yourself try- does he know you're forcing yourself? How does that make him feel? And then you might start feeling resentful. Horrible.

As I see it the problem isn't as much a lack of sex as the rejection the partner feels.

I'm actually quite shocked at how many people say they would walk away from their relationship if sex was off the menu. I adore the sex life I have with my partner but there is so much more to our relationship and if he came to me honestly and said he'd lost his libido and there as to be no more then I really think I could accept that and sort myself out from time to time.

I can totally sympathise. My sex drive had never been high but after having ds I couldn't stand the thought of it.

I think in my case I just felt like I'd given everything to other people and didn't want to give any more. Sex just made me feel like a hole - I got limited sensation from it.

However in my case my dp wasn't supportive with child, house, finances etc so I wasn't feeling loved or in love.

Anyway he DID go elsewhere and we separated.

I'm reluctant to look for new relationships now cos I think it could become an issue again.

The only time I wanted sex was when I was pregnant so perhaps I have a hormone deficiency.

Sorry no advice, just know you're no alone. I guess if you want to change then counseling could be your best bet but I have no experience of this myself.

Lambside You seem to be missing what those of us who say we would walk - or have walked - away are saying. It's not JUST the sexual act. It's cuddling, it's holding hands, it's kissing. It's INTIMACY and what makes it a relationship rather than a friendship.

I'm actually quite shocked at how many people say they would walk away from their relationship if sex was off the menu

so shocked you havent' read the posts, it seems. Its not just about sex, but about intimacy, its about kissing and touching and affection and yes, sex. Because what do you have without any intimacy and affection? Not much really.

Because we are culturally hugely fucked up around sex, people get all sorts of silly ideas about how much is too much/not enough. Some people are much less interested in sex than others are, and this is neither morally superior nor morally inferior. If both partners decide that sex is no longer a necessary part of their relationship (perhaps because they have enough children now, or are getting older) then that's fine, for them. But there are some who will sneer at a person whose partner no longer wants sex, and go on about 'controlling yourself' and sex being 'not important enough to leave a marriage over.'
It is important enough to leave a marriage over, to some people. I also cannot see any justification for a person who dislikes sex to insist that their partner lives without it forever ie will not accept the idea of the partner looking for sex elsewhere. If you don't want to make use of something, why are you preventing anyone else from benifitting from it?

I saw the best ever TED talk on here. At least I think it was a TED talk. If a wise mumsnetter can find it or knows what it was that would be great but for the life of me I can't find it.
I'll try and explain ... its the difference between men and women and libido. Men feel desire, then arousal and so on.
In women its after arousal comes the desire so in order to get to the desire you sometimes have to take what she called 'the Nike approach' and just do it!
I'm at a stage where I am menopausal and I feel atm that I could quite happily go without. However my OH doesn't repulse me I still find him attractive so I Nike it.
If the thought of doing that leaves you cold I would be questioning your actual attraction to your DH.
I've been in relationships where attraction has died and I couldn't sleep with them no matter what.

if he came to me honestly and said he'd lost his libido and there as to be no more then I really think I could accept that and sort myself out from time to time.

You don't know that unless it actually happens to you! So if you had 15 more years of sexless marriage you honestly say now that's ok?!!
And how exactly would you sort yourself out from time to time?