To not want sex with DH anymore?

[Applepiehigh]

Name changed for this.

Ever since we had our child, I have completely gone off sex. We have only had sex a handful of times in the last four years and not at all in the last two years.

It’s not that I can’t be bothered - the thought of it fills me with dread. I am thinking of trying to make myself do it but I just don’t know if i’ll be able to - I think I would find it really traumatic and violating.

DH is lovely and I still find him good looking. He’s been incredibly patient but I know it’s getting to him. I don’t think it’s him - it’s just the idea of sex in general.

Any ideas what I should do? I don’t want to jeopardise our marriage - should I just force myself to do it? AIBU for not doing it?

I totally get this. For me the thought of it makes me embarrassed. I actually can't describe it in any other way. I love my husband very very much and find him attractive. But we have gone so long without it that the thought of it just makes me feel . . . .icky. The thought of being sexy with him makes me cringe. In my case I think I am going to have to just 'get back on the horse' for want of a better expression!!! I do agree with some of the PP - it's a use it or lose it sort of situation and I feel that somewhere between 2 kids and unbearable tiredness we have lost it. I don't even think I would be that bothered if we didn't get it back but I don't want to lose my marriage so I have decided to go for it. I plan on getting drunk and just doing it - and then nor leaving it that long before we do it again.

4 years no sex - and you don't even like / want to give him a handjob and you honestly think he's not getting it somewhere else or certainly thinking about it or watching porn secretly .

In my opinion your husband is a fucking Saint to go four years without sex - That's more than 1400 days 😂 and not even a quickie or a decent handjob on the horizon for him .
No bloke ever died because they didn't have sex but plenty of men will go looking for It elsewhere and they do . Frequently

The good thing is that you know something Is wrong somewhere and your willing to try and talk about it.

Just wondered do you object to him watching porn

What I have noticed amongst my friends is that as soon as they have had kids and don't want any more kids the husband becomes redundant for them as far as sex goes . It's almost as if the husband had done his job provided them with the kids they want and now they are no longer needed apart from financially . Although this probwbly isn't the case and it might be hormones but its been the case for 7 of my good friends over recent years
All of my friends husbands / partners have cheated or left for OW had affairs. all of them said lack of sex was the reason

This is interesting as I'm in a similar situation, although I still think about sex, just not with DH. I feel awful, he is a supportive husband and a good dad but there are things that have killed it tbh and I don't see it changing. It's been years like this. I know full well unless I say something, he never will. He will just carry on as we are, never ever bringing it up or addressing it. I don't want to have to be the one to always sort everything out. I often wonder if he ever wil say anything, but given the time so far, I highly doubt it.

It's very difficult.

Well - advising OH to leave is a bit nihilistic. Mostly there is more to a marriage and the establishment of a family unit than sex. Sticking together through thick and thin is what it is all about.

Why not do some other things? Go on a holiday, try a new hobby together, go to a comedy show, set yourselves a challenge (a run for charity? - anything). It is about establishing a real connection that is not based on sexual activity and making friends again. Hard to be friends when you are feeling guilty and as if you have let him down.

It is possible to sustain a marriage without normal sexual relations - my OH has a neuro-degenerative disorder and that side of the marriage has died. But we are good pals, support and care for each other - for better and for worse and all that!

I think if you really don't want to have sex and it repulse you but you force yourself to you will end up resenting your DH. Long term it will damage your relationship

There are times when I can't be assed to have sex with my DH but I love him and I know he loves sex so I do it and you know what as soon as we start I get into it .

But the difference is I'm not repulsed by the thought of sex with him . I still fancy him 100 percent after 18 years of marriage .
But if you don't fancy him sexually then I don't think there is much hope .

Very often the thought of it is 1000 times harder than actually doing it.
Bit like most things really 😂 like going to the gym. .

I once read a quote that said 'the biggest sex organ in the body is the brain' and I truly believe this. If you do not want sex mentally then (providing there is no underlying medical condition) your body will respond accordingly and react negatively in any intimate situation,

Two years ago, my husband and I rarely had sex, now we are the complete opposite. The reason, I changed my attitude towards sex. If you really look inside yourself, do you want to have sex? Does anyone turn you on?

What I found really helped was sleeping is just knickers and a tee-shirt. The feeling of skin on skin and being stroked is really sensual (and can promote closeness between you without then leading to sex). Perhaps you could try this and just have a cuddle. Take it slowly and maybe things will progress from there over time.

I would say that even though I thought my marriage was good and that we were happy with minimal intimacy, looking back I'm not sure that was the case. I personally think that to have a successful marriage you also need to have physical closeness and intimacy. My marriage is now much happier now that things are better in the bedroom.

I hope that you find a solution to your issue. Good luck x

Ive read the entire thread and am quite aware that it might be the lack of intimacy that some posters are saying would be the deal breaker.
I still think that a relationship could survive without it.

Anyway for the person at the stage of dreading sex intimacy is scary because it might lead to a sexual scenario which they might find difficult to diffuse without hurting their partner.

I don't know if I could put up with no sex or no intimacy, no but I think I could, I believe I could. Posters who say they would walk without the sex and or intimacy don't know either. They think, they believe.

I'd sort myself out with my hand or my vibrator.

Hold on, it’s 2 years since we last had sex, not four (not great I know but still better than four).

This has nothing to do with using DH for sex until I had a child and then having no “use” for him. I fully expected our completely normal sex life to continue after we had DC. And financially, I am the one bringing in the lion’s share of the income so I find your comment a little sexist Magpiemapie.

I couldn’t care less about porn by the way (although I have no idea if he watches it or not).

Whilst I am aware that the current situation is not fair on DH and must be really awful for him, I really don’t think he would leave. For a husband to walk out on a wife when they have a disabled child together and the wife went through a severe depression for years arising from DC’s disability and is obviously having some psychological issues with sex and is trying to find a solution would be a pretty dishonourable thing to do if you ask me.

Thanks for those who have replied this evening - it’s so comforting to hear there are others who have experienced a similar sort of thing. I’ll respond further to individual posts tomorrow.

It's possible that you've been traumatized by your stress regarding your child's disability OP...and that has had the knock on effect of you avoiding another conception.

I had PND and PTSD following a terribe birth with emergency c section and sex was off the cards for some time.

I have never given DH the message that this is it forever.

Sure you have. You haven't had sex with him for two years, you don't seem to have any physical intimacy at all, and in the four years this had been an issue you haven't sought help. You don't think that sends a message that this is just the way it is now?

For a husband to walk out on a wife when they have a disabled child together and the wife went through a severe depression for years arising from DC’s disability and is obviously having some psychological issues with sex and is trying to find a solution would be a pretty dishonourable thing to do if you ask me.

People have needs. It's not dishonorable to want them fulfilled.

So those needs are so important that they justify breaking up a family where one member has higher than average needs, and where there is more than average need for the parents to support each other?

Yes. The need for intimacy in your relationship absolutely justifies breaking up a relationship that doesn't contain any. Of course it does.

Apple pie high, I think part of the problem here is that you don't think he would leave, or that it would be morally ok for him to leave. That leaves you with all the power here, because if it would be wrong for him to leave, then he just has to put up with it really doesn't he? And to not do so would make him 'dishonourable'.

You say it would be dishonourable for him to leave, yet by leaving this situation fester for years, your inaction is putting your marriage at serious threat. Knowing that he doesn't want a sex less marriage, but expecting him to endure it for years, is surely a little disnonourable in its own right.

I'm glad you want to take action to try to save your marriage now, but given you've had years to sort it out, and don't seem to have even made basic efforts to figure it out, I certainly wouldn't judge him for leaving.

And yes, it's common for people to go off sex for periods, but not necessarily totally off sex, or for that length of time. Kids, or no kids. It's not about the sex, as such, it's about the intimacy. I could go without sex if I HAD to, and there was a reason for it, but not naked snuggles, kisses, hugs, massage, all the things that make someone not a housemate, but someone you love.

I hope you manage to resolve things, and either manage a happy sexual relationship again, or potentially set your husband free, either from your relationship or monagamy. Either way, it simply cannot continue as it is, it's hugely unfair to him. The pressure of seeming like a 'dick' if he leaves because of your disabled child and mh problems shouldn't be used against the poor guy.

I don't think you're a bad person in all of this, but I do think time has crept on, and things are very unfair as they are.

But I think the first step is to accept that it truly would be perfectly reasonable of him to want to leave.

It's more than a relationship though. It's a family unit with a special set of circumstances

And those circumstances mean one partner gets what they want while the other lives for ever in a sexless relationship with no intimacy, their worth only as another carer for the child?
No. Marriage/LTR need intimacy. Otherwise you're just sharing a house

Dorothy Unless you have been in a relationship where there is NO intimacy (remember we're not just talking sex, there is no kissing or anything that differentiates friends from lovers) you actually cannot know the effect it can have on your emotional and mental well being. I had a breakdown. It's honestly is not all about the physical act but the CLOSENESS between a couple. You feel totally and utterly rejected by the person that loves you. Without that, there is no marriage to break up; you're room mates. If one partner has a breakdown, then they aren't going be in a position to support anyone, especially a disabled child. You can't "blackmail" someone into staying in a marriage that they are unhappy in like that.

OP take no notice of Curryworst, she is renowned for being harsh and judgemental

It's more than a relationship though. It's a family unit with a special set of circumstances

In which case the Op needs to take her portion of blame in this marriage failing. He'd be calling time on a marriage which is pretty dead.

Tbh, I don't understand why either party didn't deal with this about 3.5 years ago.

Is she? Was there a vote taken? Did I get a trophy?
Or are you just speaking for yourself, very rudely, Octopus?

It's not like the op is having all the fun and games while the poor dh suffers. They both have their share of burdens in this.

Tbh, if you haven't got a disabled child and therefore know how it affects every aspect of your life maybe you are not qualified to judge the situation.

I do, Dorothy, Don't assume anything about people, its twatty

Dorothy And if you've not been in a sexless relationship, maybe you aren't qualified to judge that situation either? Works both ways.

Octopus There are several on the thread that have echoed Curry so please award us all a share of the prize.

Just a reminder, he also works (presume) and has a disabled child too. Exactly as the op does.

Except he also likely has worries that his wife doesn't love him, fancy him, worries about whether she is having an affair, self esteem issues etc, as well as sexual frustration. It's not like it's all on the Op.

I have. Don't assume