To not want sex with DH anymore?

[Applepiehigh]

Name changed for this.

Ever since we had our child, I have completely gone off sex. We have only had sex a handful of times in the last four years and not at all in the last two years.

It’s not that I can’t be bothered - the thought of it fills me with dread. I am thinking of trying to make myself do it but I just don’t know if i’ll be able to - I think I would find it really traumatic and violating.

DH is lovely and I still find him good looking. He’s been incredibly patient but I know it’s getting to him. I don’t think it’s him - it’s just the idea of sex in general.

Any ideas what I should do? I don’t want to jeopardise our marriage - should I just force myself to do it? AIBU for not doing it?

Pinkie1982 14:08
"I just can't be bothered"

I'm going to get slated for saying this but if I was your DH I'm not sure I could be bothered to be faithful.

Hi OP,

Prior to having our first child my sex drive was always higher than my husband's. Following the birth of our son my sex drive completely disappeared and I had no desire to do it whatsoever. By the time DH and I had sex again, where I pretty much had to force myself to do it, it had been about 16 months since the baby had been born.

My sex drive never really recovered and sex was very sporadic and it always felt a bit uncomfortable. I felt like I was doing it because it was his marital right as opposed to because I actually wanted to.

We probably had sex once every 4-6 weeks and once I had done it I felt energised, I felt like I wanted to keep doing it, but it just didn't happen. I completely agree with all those who have said that the more you do it the more you want it.

Last year I fell pregnant again (planned) and we haven't had sex since I conceived, so that's been just over 13 months now.

Baby is almost 5 months old and this time I do feel ready to start having sex again because I want to have a good sex life with my husband.

It's so hard to explain because I love him so much, I really fancy him, I feel aroused when I look at him but when it comes to actually having sex, the idea just seems strange and unnatural. It makes absolutely no sense.

I'm ready to tackle it though because we used to have a great sex live before the children came along and I want to go back to that. For the last 4 years of my life my children have always been my priority and my DH's 'needs' haven't really been a focus but I'm ready to change that now.

The baby will be going in its own room in a few months and then hopefully me and DH can make a start on getting our sex life back on track.

I'm nervous about it and I anticipate awkward and shy sex initially but I'm going to make myself just crack on with it.

You have my sympathies OP because it's such a complex issue and I hope you manage to find a resolution.

Lizzie- thanks for sharing that. Its difficult going through a dry patch without the space to solve it, without worrying what that means in the future. I find the endless "you must do it at least x times" really unhelpful.

I wonder op whether your aversion to sex is related to fear of getting pregnant with another (potentially also disabled) child. I think that's very common.
Anyway a good sex therapist where you can get away from the truisms was hugely worth it in my experience. Talking with your husband also good. But only if you can manage it from the grown up place of what and why rather than those endless conversations where one of you is the child asking for reassurance "dont you fancy me, don't you love me" and the other is left with yet another caring task of consoling them just when they really cant squeeze out any more care.
I remember finding it hard to get turned on and then just getting irritable with a burgeoning rage and resentment against my whole life that threatened to spew out against dh because he was there and who else could I blame? It's still difficult but not as entirely impossible as it was before.

Complete aversion to sex is a common symptom of hormonal imbalance, sometimes related to medication, and of thyroid dysfunction. I would start there although I'm afraid your GP may not be a huge amount of help - mine certainly wasn't and I dealt with this for longer than you, and managed to keep my marriage going with literally zero physical intimacy beyond cuddles during that time. It was extremely difficult for both of us but communication was key.

I had to figure out the cause and solution on my own which I eventually did. Unfortunately having babies caused it to happen again, and now being back on the pill has triggered it again - now torn between having my sex drive back or being in complete agony. Not an easy decision. I chose the agony for the last six months but it became too much. Not sure what to do now.

People need to understand that this is not the same as having a low sex drive and not being in the mood or "not being bothered". You have no idea what it's like to panic and feel dread when you're touched by your own husband. Getting on and doing it anyway doesn't help, it makes it worse.

I wish I could tell you how to fix it for you as I know full well you don't want things to be like this but you feel like you can't change it. Look into ways of improving your hormone balance, medical or otherwise. You may find it makes a big difference.

Apple - if I was out of the house until 10pm every night, I would quite simply be too knackered for sex! I have no idea how you would even begin to prioritise sex with all that on your plate. Several times tho now you have mentioned abuse from an ex and so this is clearly and understandably on your mind. For your own mental health, if nothing else, you should probably talk this through with a good counsellor.

OP it does happen after having kids especially when you've got a lot on your plate which you definitely have. I think the fact that you want to address things means that you can work it out, there needs to be a compromise and hopefully you can come to one.
I think it is really easy to just leave something like this until it's almost gone on so long it seems too big a problem to tackle. Having a disabled child is completely consuming so things do get put on the back burner.

Shatner you are not coming across very well at all and I'm finding your posts difficult to read. The OP is not your ex, you don't need to be angry with her. She actually hasn't done anything wrong other than not want sex. She wants to try and sort that out but is finding it hard. It happens in lots of relationships and hopefully there is help ou there.

TammySwansonTwo

"Complete aversion to sex is a common symptom of hormonal imbalance, sometimes related to medication, and of thyroid dysfunction."

I've got an underactive thyroid and I did read about that and libido somewhere.

In answer to your original post, yes I think YABU and if I were you I would make myself do it and see how you feel afterwards.

Then either click away or report Flouncy

Why do posters get so upset by a drip feed fgs? Sometimes you don't include everything in your original post because you don't want it to be too long. You remember other things that are relevant. Just grow up, people. Things are never completely straightforward, life's like that.

I haven't read the whole thread but definetley have a medical check up to begin. Do you do anything for yourself as it sounds like you have a lot on ?

This sounds bloody ridicolous but I went through a not wanting sex phase ,had loads on with various difficulties with Dc kind of lost myself enroute. I had a day for myself dyed my hair , had my eyebrows done and brought myself a few bits and weirdly I felt like having sex again. Take time out for you and do things you enjoy , with so much on it's possible your just functioning on auto pilot without many emotions, which kind of switches you off all round.

I don't think you should force yourself at all will put you off further and make it a dreaded chore.

Italiangreyhound it's a common symptom - so many women in their 30s and 40s upwards have impaired thyroid function, and so many women experience this problem. Unfortunately having a thyroid that's not quite working correctly but isn't bad enough to be diagnosed with hypothyroidism can still have a massive effect on your health - those who are diagnosed hypothyroid are supposed to keep their TSH below 2.0 to feel well, but in this country the official cut off for diagnosis is 10.0. There are so many women in particular suffering, it's a disgrace - I don't think it's a coincidence that diagnoses of ME have gone up since the TSH diagnostic test was adopted. Sorry, this is a tangent - but OP, there are companies that you can purchase kits that will allow you to test your thyroid and hormone levels via a finger prick if your GP isn't being helpful. I've been battling this issue for years, and still doing regular private tests, waiting for my levels to be bad enough for treatment.

I don't know how much more I can add that hasn't been said. But I do think you need to stop viewing sex as "your husbands needs". Sex can and should be fun and a way of stress relief for both parties. Dismissing it like that is a problem and maybe shifting that kind of attitude could be a good starting point?

TammySwansonTwo I have gotton over some of the feelings of boredom etc and feel my sex life is somewhat rejuvenated but it was never anywhere near the OP's situation which is why I've bit really tried to 'advise' other than to get help.

OP have you felt able to seek assistance on this yet?

Not instead of bit

I have two disabled children. One wakes up at 2am and jumps off furniture. She also cannot be left with anyone aside from me and my dh. It’s not that simple. Having a child with Sen is 24/7 not just the care but also the emotional worry. My dh and mine’s sex life is beyond poor at the moment. But I just and take care of him in other ways. A lot of marriages break up because the couple is under pressure looking after the child. I’m not sure if you’re not raising a child with special needs you’d get it. As long as her dh feels he’s loved and wanted for now should that not be enough? Sex is a physical expression of love but what about all the other things she does to show her love? Is that not good enough?

I love this thread but for all the wrong reasons. First, it all sounds horribly familiar to the extent that it could be me. Perhaps it is. But second it’s the way in which the supposed DH is reduced to 2 dimensional status and master of his own downfall with his stiff upper lipandannoying failure to communicate. Here is the DH view!

Sex? It you don’t want it then don’t do it but recognise that if you’re in a relationship the other half might reasonably expect to know. Deploy some of those communication skills he so famously lacks.

And whilst you are telling him don’t assume he is happy with this or other parts of his life. His failing upper lip may be dormant for a reason. But never mind he’s still passable and will cheerfully accept his lot.

Or perhaps he’s got used to communication being a means of pointing out his many flaws and sees no point. As for allowing sex with other s the mind boggles. How will it work- Tuesday afternoon in the spare room?

Time for both to move on

I had this for some time after having DD. At first it was the hormonal contraception but once I stopped that I realised that I could manage fine by myself but I just didn't want sex with DH. In the end I went with the sort of "grit your teeth and get on with it" approach. This got me over the initial hump so to speak and meant after a few times that I could do it and enjoy it but I never really got back to my pre-pregnancy sex drive. I certainly wasn't the one initiating... Fast forward a few years of our sex drive limping along and we finally split up for other reasons (although I did realise that we split in October and hadn't had sex since the preceeding April). Looking back now I think my lack of desire for my husband was my bodies way of telling me this was not a good thing. I was miserable in our marriage, felt unappreciated and generally didn't want to be intimate with him.

Not saying you don't like your husband but it seems it is possible that your mental state can stop your body responding. You have a lot on your plate and getting some councelling to try and work through what is causing this block could help you.