To not want sex with DH anymore?

[Applepiehigh]

Name changed for this.

Ever since we had our child, I have completely gone off sex. We have only had sex a handful of times in the last four years and not at all in the last two years.

It’s not that I can’t be bothered - the thought of it fills me with dread. I am thinking of trying to make myself do it but I just don’t know if i’ll be able to - I think I would find it really traumatic and violating.

DH is lovely and I still find him good looking. He’s been incredibly patient but I know it’s getting to him. I don’t think it’s him - it’s just the idea of sex in general.

Any ideas what I should do? I don’t want to jeopardise our marriage - should I just force myself to do it? AIBU for not doing it?

May I ask, do you think subconsciously you are scared of another pregnancy?

Dorothy Why not assume? You did. But this thread isn't about you, its's about the OP and her DH's issue.

YANBU to not want sex.

But YABU to expect your DH to go with hardly any for 4 years (and none for two!)

I’m a woman and if I felt like my DH didn’t even care / try to make some changes to improve our sex life in a situation like this? Well, I’d be unwilling to live a sexless life.

If you have a disabled child (or another family member who is dependent for health reasons and needs extra care) it's more important for the adult couple to have a happy sex life or an equivalent pleasure. There is this awful attitude that, if there is someone in the family who needs a lot of additional care, then the rest of the family must just accept that this is their life now and martyr themselves. It's actually essential to seek some kind of leisure time and to have something genuinely enjoyable in life. It may not necessarily be sex - it might be once a month getting some respite care so you can go to the pictures. It might be a weekly box of chocolates and a good book. It might be a weekend away twice a year.

If OP's attitude is that, because their lives are hard, her H has no business wanting any pleasure, then that is definitely going to poison the marriage.

I don’t think that you should force yourself. And your DH probably wouldn’t bee too happy about that either. (It might even jeopardise your marriage, if he were to find out, btw...)

But I do think that you should be honest, see a therapist, try to understand why you’re feeling thie way...

And if nothing changes, well. Idk. You might be very happy with an alternative relationship model? Or maybe you’ll realise that breaking up and coparenting is better for both your DH?

Just doing nothing... well, that seems like a bad idea as well, tbh.

OP - I do not have any great advice for you, but I have had times when id happily not just have sex at all. For months. DH is a good man, and we've worked through it.

The fact that you are acknowledging, & asking for advice I think is a good thing. I don't think you should do it if you really don't want to, but there have been times when I've had sex partly because I know that I love him, and he wants to. There has never been any pressure from him. Just- if I do it, I'm likely to want to again.

I know some people on MN will hate this- but.
He loves me, and I love him. He wants sex and it will make him happy. So I say yes even if I'm not keen- because I love him & it will make him happy. The sex does not make me happy- but it make him happy which in turn makes me happy because I love him.
My choice. And I know not everyone's choice.

Mishappening I love your post.

Marriage. For better for worse.

Just love it.

I do wonder what all these posters who say 'no sex & I'd leave' would say if their DH/DP was paralysed/ ill/ suddenly impotent/ vital bits blown off in bomb...

Hi OP - voice of experience here. Please do go and see your GP, as it really sounds like a hormonal imbalance to me. They can do blood tests, and there are medicines etc available if that proves to be the case.

You need to rule out any physical cause first of all.

posh At the same time, what about "with my body I thee worship" if you want to pick and choose certain aspects of the wedding service?

Again, you are focusing on the physical act of sex by mentioning impotency or vital bits blown off. People who are impotent can still CUDDLE and KISS and even give their partner oral sex if penetration is no longer possible.

We're talking about INTIMACY. It is NOT the same thing as penetrative sex!

posh me, there's a difference between not being able to have sex, and choosing not to. I'd stay with my husband if all that was left of him was his head, because I love him, but if he just didn't want sex and chose not to work out why, or even try to resolve it for years, that's rather different.

I feel exactly the same OP but I don't have a partner, just a co-parent friend ex. I've felt relieved about that many times because of this feeling. But sad and strange since I was such a majorly sexual person before having a child. It's like psychologically my vagina has just switched uses and refuses to entertain going back. Even tampons are a no-no now. 2.5 years after having my DC I'm just starting to be attracted to people in that way again but am a long way from wanting actual sex. Fills me with dread. What about you? Do you have that desire for people but hit a brick wall when thinking about the actual act?
I'm sure something about it is PTSD. Associating that part of you with something very painful and possibly traumatic. But I'm not a counsellor. I'd love to get counselling but can't afford private. Try it, OP, alone or together.

MN is good for knowing other people are going through the same thing.

It is as reanimatedSGB said, there is a vast spectrum of levels of sexual interest.
Therefore it is not wrong of the OP to assert that it's unlikely she will ever want sex again. It's not wrong of her husband to be upset about that. How they deal with it is really up to them and other people's personal experiences though interesting and potentially informative don't necessarily reflect what might happen. ShatnersWig had a breakdown but OPs husband might be completely different.
Applepiehigh you've been honest with your husband which is important. Hopefully you'll find a way forward together if that's what you both want long term.

Its not no sex, it's no intimacy at all. Intimacy may look different for couples where one member is ill, injured, whatever, than it does for most couples, but that doesn't mean it's non-existent.

I really think @Blueskyrain’s point is important - the idea that you’ve already decided it would be “dishonourable” of your husband to leave this marriage is a little shocking.

I hope for both your sakes that things really will improve. But if someone’s truly unhappy in a marriage without intimacy, and it’s gone on like that for years, of course they shouldn’t stay.

poshme

Being physically unable to change anything about one’s inability to have intercouse / participate in sexual activities isn’t the same as being mentally and physically healthy but refusing the try or be honest about what’s going on.

I felt like that and convinced myself I had low libido and it couldn't be that I didn't fancy my dh because we were married and id commited to him.i was wrong.

Applepiehigh I am sorry to hear this. Please do see your GP and a specialist. There could be all kinds of reasons for this, maybe medication you are on, or an diagnosed medical problem or perhaps a form of post natal depression.

Please do seek help. Don't force yourself to have sex with your husband but do seek help, and involve your husband in getting that help, if you feel able to.

It's quite brave of you to even talk of this anonymously.

I've not read all comments. But just trying to read all yours. You said "I guess I should go to the GP but I don’t hold out much hope for any kind of counselling - I can’t imagine it changing how I feel." but that is honestly how a lot of people who have 'issues' feel. When I had anxiety I could not imagine not having it. But then I had CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) and now I do not have panic attacks. And guess what. I now cannot imagine having them!

I'd be going to gp for a start. Something as simple as anaemia can lower sex drive. Secondly i'd start mastibating. Set time aside when your alone and not under any pressure. I'd perhaps try every other day. Much easier way to start than jumping into sex.

Are there any supplements that can help?

I don't remember ever having a sex drive but have never been in a proper relationship so not thought too much about it.

@ShatnersWig I am so sorry to hear your situation.

Please do keep on looking for love and intimacy, it is out there. I met my dh through a dating agency type thing, before on line dating.

I hope you find the intimacy you seek.

Men feel love and intimacy through sex, women need to feel love to want sex.
In its basest form, that is how we are wired.

I have read this entire thread. You've asked for advice and opinions. Most people have advised therapy or blood tests or start off slowly and eventually build up to sex. If your husband doesn't eventually leave you, he will most likely cheat on you. It doesn't make him a bad person to have needs. It's not your fault that you have no sex drive but it's not his either. I think cuddling and kissing to start. Do you think you'll take anyone's advice? I think people are trying to help but you've started getting defensive. I know some people haven't been so kind but some people are genuinely trying to help x

OP "Whilst I am aware that the current situation is not fair on DH and must be really awful for him, I really don’t think he would leave."

He might, he might surprise you if he feels desperately sad. I hope he will not, because it is better to work this out, better for both of you.

I've always said (in my head) my dh would not have an affair or leave. And he has not. But I would honestly I should not assume he never would. Because much as I love him if I was desperately unhappy, I think I may well leave.

We have two two kids who are quite hard work, but he is married to me and if he chose not to be married to me, that would be his choice. I would not expect him to stop being the dad of the kids.

I've had periods of not feeling very sexual at all, and it has got better over time. I don't want to give you loads of advice because I think your situation is more extreme than I have had, and I think you need professional help to deal with this.

But I am happy to answer any questions if you want. I actually think it is very common to go off sex as you get older (if you are a woman - I know this as I have spoken to women about this, I've not spoken to men so I don't know if this is so common for men).

But I really feel this is unfair. "For a husband to walk out on a wife when they have a disabled child together and the wife went through a severe depression for years arising from DC’s disability and is obviously having some psychological issues with sex and is trying to find a solution would be a pretty dishonourable thing to do if you ask me."

I think anyone can end a marriage if they wish to. It doesn't mean they will stop being part of their child's life. It's not dishonourable to end a marriage if you are unhappy.

However, you have said "and is trying to find a solution..." so that suggests you are going to try and find a solution and I think that is great and would be very good for you both. has the depression now gone or is it still part of life and have you sought help for this? A relative of mine has a dh who is depressed and will not seek help. I just to support her being supportive but now I feel frustrated he does not seek help. So I really hope you will.

It doesn't really make any difference if it's 2 years - 4 years either amount of time is still a bloody long time to go without sex intimacy kissing , touching . All the stuff that often keeps a couple together .
If you don't have that then it's a bit like flat mates

And I don't care if you find my comments sexist I'm simply stating what has been common amongst my friends . They have a kid and its no more sex for the DH. But they don't want to split up because of finances but they want their DH to stay in a sexless marriage .

And several of the women on here have stated thats the case that once they have had a child they have no sex drive and don't want to have sex anymore . It's not uncommon for women to feel like this but then neither is it uncommon for men to seek sex elsewhere and plenty of them do .

If your DH leaves it' won't because he isn't honourable person it will be because he can no longer live within a sexless non intimate affectionate marriage .
Which is basically what you have at the moment

His honourable actions and possibly guilt of the thought of leaving his disabled DC will keep him around for longer than most . He sounds like he is good guy ( he must be to have gone so long without any physical affection from you )

But it's unlikely unless you both do something to sort it out it will end in divorce at some point .

I can empathise. For me, I found therapy insightful and also reading a book titled "Because it feels good".
The book reiterates that despite constant cultural messages about sex, not everyone naturally enjoys or finds sex easy. It offers a variety of information and ideas that make it easier to tap into, or regain, the feel-good factor.