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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want sex with DH anymore?

219 replies

Applepiehigh · 01/01/2018 13:11

Name changed for this.

Ever since we had our child, I have completely gone off sex. We have only had sex a handful of times in the last four years and not at all in the last two years.

It’s not that I can’t be bothered - the thought of it fills me with dread. I am thinking of trying to make myself do it but I just don’t know if i’ll be able to - I think I would find it really traumatic and violating.

DH is lovely and I still find him good looking. He’s been incredibly patient but I know it’s getting to him. I don’t think it’s him - it’s just the idea of sex in general.

Any ideas what I should do? I don’t want to jeopardise our marriage - should I just force myself to do it? AIBU for not doing it?

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 01/01/2018 13:45

I feel like this.
I do have sex with my DH every week or so. It’s not awful and it makes him happy.
There have been periods when I really couldn’t bring myself to though which were difficult for him but we got over it. To be honest the longer I leave it the more difficult it gets so I try not to leave it too long

ReanimatedSGB · 01/01/2018 13:46

Honestly, look for a good therapist. A good one will, most importantly, not concentrate solely on making you open your legs for your H. S/he will look at what is going to work best for you, which may include ending your marriage or making it an open one so your H has sex with other people if he wants to. Because it's not wrong or bad to have no interest in sex - it's only a problem if you try to maintain a monogamous relationship with someone who does like and want sex.

ElspethFlashman · 01/01/2018 13:46

"Forcing yourself" will not solve anything. It'll just make him feel worse than ever, looking down at his beloved gritting their teeth to get through the unpleasantness, like he's going to the toilet in you or something.

SendintheArdwolves · 01/01/2018 13:46

Maybe i’ll Just have to force myself to do it

Or maybe, before you start gritting your teeth and forcing yourself to have sex which you don't desire, you could at least try seeing a therapist? How will that make your DH feel for you to grimly "force yourself" to have sex with him.

Be honest, OP, do you actually want your sex drive to come back? Do you miss passion, intimacy, arousal and all that good stuff? Or are you actually perfectly happy with your sex drive and just want a way to make your DH happy with it as well?

Original poster
Applepiehigh · 01/01/2018 13:47

Not breastfeeding or taking any contraception.

I’ve felt very little desire at all - hence why I don’t think it’s to do with him per se.

I have struggled a bit with depression in recent years (DC has a disability which threw me into a depression - although to be fair we didn’t find that out until about a year in and I didn’t want sex before that either). I also have a very stressful job. I wonder if the stress/depression may have anything to do with it although I have been off anti-depressants for about a year and feeling OK so I don’t think I can really put it down to that.

OP posts:
BarryTheKestrel · 01/01/2018 13:47

I was in a similar situation. Stopped taking the pill for a completely unrelated reason, sex drive came back with a vengeance.
However in the time I wasn't having sex with DH I still had some desire, just not for sex, so would sort myself out once a week or so as I knew any kind of intimate foreplay with DH would leave him disappointed as I just didn't want to touch him despite still being very attracted to him.

ColonelJackONeil · 01/01/2018 13:48

Forcing yourself to do it will make you feel worse. It would be better to start by working on your relationship so you feel comfortable talking about this sort of thing with him. That will lead to a stronger connection between you and then you can look at the physical connection.

Indigo911 · 01/01/2018 13:49

Do you kiss etc? Or literally no intimacy together ever?

TammySwansonTwo · 01/01/2018 13:54

It sounds to me like this is a hormonal issue, speaking from experience. I was on a drug that put me into temporary menopause for two years, and it like I'd had my sexuality surgically removed for over five years. The thought of it made me ill. Doctors were no help. I had to come off the pill / all hormonal treatments for six months before things started to improve, they did get back to normal but the same thing happened again when I'd had my twins, then improved for a while, now I've gone back on the pill it's started again. It's just as you describe - not just not being in the mood but feeling physically ill at the thought of it. Please do not make yourself do it, it will only make things worse.

Also, any chance you could have a thyroid problem? This can also cause the same issues.

Original poster
Applepiehigh · 01/01/2018 13:55

No We don’t want any more children.

No I don’t miss it - at all. It’s odd because our sex life used to be completely normal. I think I started going off it towards the end of my pregnancy. I would love to never have to have sex again, but not at the cost of my marriage.

I have given him the occasional “hand job” but don’t really like doing it - anything to do with sex just makes me feel grossed out. We don’t really kiss either - for the same sort of reason.

OP posts:
MsHarry · 01/01/2018 13:58

Sometimes going without for long periods can make the desire go. Do you think you could try and see how it feels? If not I think maybe speak to your DR about hormone checks etc or maybe some counselling with DH.

Indigo911 · 01/01/2018 14:00

I think if you’re not even kissing much you need to sort this out pronto as it must be very upsetting for him. I didn’t have sex with an ex for a year for health reasons, but we still had lots of passionate kisses and cuddles etc and would give each other naked massages.
Maybe start off slowly with a bit of mild foreplay and try and build up to sex over time if you feel able to.

MirriVan · 01/01/2018 14:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Jellycatspyjamas · 01/01/2018 14:06

Has there been a previous trauma - sometimes pregnancy and birth can throw up issues that folk thought has been resolved. Therapy can certainly help is that's the case.

SeaCabbage · 01/01/2018 14:06

Do you think it is partly because you now see your dh as a friend, not lover? I think that can happen when you have small kids, so the thought of then doing something sexual with them is pretty gross.

Sorry if I've missed it but is your child now four? A stressful job and problems at home can of course kill off libido but that's not going to help your marriage.

Do please try to change your life in some way to make yourself happier because there is obviously something wrong and your poor dh must be miserable.

SeaCabbage · 01/01/2018 14:07

My last sentence I didn't mean please change your life for your husband - I meant for both of you Smile

Bollooooooocks · 01/01/2018 14:08

It's tough OP, I suggest you go to the GP, he could maybe run a blood test as you could have some simple and multiple deficiencies. Possibly better to do this step first before requesting counselling. Otherwise be fair to dh and let him find it elsewhere ...

Original poster
Applepiehigh · 01/01/2018 14:08

@jellycat Potentially... I had a boyfriend previously who I would now in hindsight describe as sexually abusive.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 01/01/2018 14:21

It might be worth taking yourself into therapy to explore that - it's entirely possible something has been triggered that you aren't even aware of but which makes intimacy too difficult. If that is the case, counselling or therapy would be very effective.

SashaSashays · 01/01/2018 14:39

I don’t think people are suggesting counselling or therapy to say having a chat will change how you feel or fix the problem but more to help you indentify what you feel and why...

There will be some reason behind the change in how you feel whether it’s physical or emotional and therapy can help to identify this.

You can force yourself to have sex but sounds like that’s what it will always be unless you identify the reasons behind your feelings.

lurkingnotlurking · 01/01/2018 14:43

You might not be able to imagine counselling happening, but I think you owe it to your partner and marriage to try. Who knows if it will change anything? But after 4 years, I think we can safely assume that you won't change without it

ElspethFlashman · 01/01/2018 15:14

You don't even kiss him?

Do you even love him? I mean, not like a fondness for a brother or a roommate?

NotYetMadeYourMindUp · 01/01/2018 15:19

You don't even kiss? I'm afraid your marriage is dead.

Gifffola · 01/01/2018 15:20

I think I would rather go without sex than have sex with someone who was literally grossed out by me touching them.

OP you need to do something. At the very least tell your DH how you feel and let him decide if he still wants to be married to you. Sex and intimacy are part of the contract you make when you get married. It’s unfair to pick and choose the bits you want to stick to and the bits you don’t.

Original poster
Applepiehigh · 01/01/2018 15:23

Geez some really unhelpful comments on here.

Yes I love him but I don’t feel any sexual attraction to him (or anyone).

OP posts:
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