To not want sex with DH anymore?

[Applepiehigh]

Name changed for this.

Ever since we had our child, I have completely gone off sex. We have only had sex a handful of times in the last four years and not at all in the last two years.

It’s not that I can’t be bothered - the thought of it fills me with dread. I am thinking of trying to make myself do it but I just don’t know if i’ll be able to - I think I would find it really traumatic and violating.

DH is lovely and I still find him good looking. He’s been incredibly patient but I know it’s getting to him. I don’t think it’s him - it’s just the idea of sex in general.

Any ideas what I should do? I don’t want to jeopardise our marriage - should I just force myself to do it? AIBU for not doing it?

Shatners it's not that much of a drip feed. OP mentioned the fact that her child is disabled very early on. The abusive boyfriend of old is new in terms of the thread but I expect OP's just starting to join the pieces up.

Cheap The disabled child is not a drip feed, I commented on that pages back. The rest of it was.

Applepiehigh - I can't even begin to understand how stressful all of that is. I think dealing with just one of those issues at any given time would challenge many of us and it's no wonder sex has taken a back seat (TBH I'm amazed you even manage to get out of bed, get changed and brush your teeth every single day with all of that going on!).

Do talk openly to your DH (and he does sound like a "D" from what you have said) and keep reinforcing that you love him, and it's a problem you're aware of and are working on and it's absolutely nothing he has done. I highly doubt he is thinking of going elsewhere as so many other posters have suggested (helpful when you're already feeling a bit shitty). He doesn't sound like the type to throw away everything you do have over this, especially as you are trying to 'fix' it (and you clearly do have a good relationship in all other aspects!). I imagine he understands why sex hasn't happened for a while because he can see first hand exactly what you're going through (and what he's going through too, with your DC and losing his job). Things will work themselves out, but do keep talking to each other!x

Shatners I know it's not a drip feed...I was telling you that. What DID you think was a drip feed then? WHat were you referring to when you said "That's one hell of a drip feed"

Right. (Not downplaying your situation in any way, OP, you do have a lot in your plate ) I wonder how people would respond if I come here saying my husband works a very high pressure job (which he does) and does not have the time or inclination to give me a kiss or a cuddle about, say, once a week. If that was the reality, I'd be one miserable woman and THAT would be the death of our relationship, not the lack of sex or even the lack of quality time together.

My husband is not the romantic type. I am the one who wants roses, chocolates, sweet nothings in my ear. He is a meat and potatoes guy who is happy with a date night once a year. But we have communicated and made compromises, adjustments. He knows what I expect from him, and he takes the time and effort to do it (not as often as I'd like him to, but he tries). I know what he expects from me - and I give him that (not as often as he would like me to do, but I try my best, too). That's what marriage is. It's about giving the other person the type of love and affection they need, within reason. Not forcing, not demanding, but giving. If one is just unwilling or unable to give that to the other person, if what A needs is directly opposite to what B needs, then things have gone south and something has to be done about it.

Completely off topic and I will probably be burned alive for saying this, but has anybody read "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands"? A bit quaint, but I've employed some of the tactics suggested in the book and it has worked. To my favour.

Cheap What did I think was a drip feed? Everything we hadn't already heard about, namely:

1. I work a very demanding high pressure job in the City - I almost never get home before 10pm at night
2. I often have to work weekends.
3. We also had two house moves and renovations since DC was born
4. DH losing his job
5. My DM is also very unwell and I’ve been having to try to look after her too

ShatnersWig I mentioned a long way up the thread that I had a very stressful demanding job.

Everything else you mention is stuff we all go through - I would hope people might assume people might have stuff going on in their lives which mean they don’t prioritise keeping their husband happy in bed above all else rather than just automatically heaping on your condemnation.

Theramengirl as for “The Proper Feeding and Care of Husbands” I just can’t even.

SO HAVE YOU TALKED ABOUT IT WITH HIM PROPERLY?

I don't know why you don't want to answer that OP? Of course you're not under obligation but I think it's so so vital

OP, with the greatest of respect, while we all may go through those things, and obviously your disabled child takes up a lot of time, had we known ALL of this, our responses might well have been a little different.

But, sadly, while we may all go through these things, we also have to accept that if you are working those sorts of hours on a daily basis and often at weekends, you marriage is going to suffer. I suspect you try to prioritise your child as much as possible but you do also need to occasionally prioritise your marriage and husband and reduce those hours. They could kill off any marriage, let alone one with all the other issues.

Personally, I don't think it is bad to leave a marriage if you are unhappy in it.I also would understand someone in a sexless marriage looking for sex elsewhere. Not condone it, but understand.

I don't think people pointing this out are being unkind or unfair necessarily.

This is AIBU where posters can be incredibly rude, which I am also not condoning either!

However, when someone says my husband (or wife or partner) would never cheat or would never leave I think it shows a lack awareness that the other person may well exercise choices we don't expect. This is on general, not to any particular posters.

Also, OP, tere is also talk of getting help, if the person is getting help, then there is hope for them and their partner. But if no help or hope is on the horizon then the situation may seem bleak for both!

OP you certainly have a lot on your plate. Are the renovations completed? Can the work load change? Is your dh as affected by your child's disability as you are?

Do you sex as another 'chore' you are expected to 'do'? I've felt like that at times. I feel your discomfort here goes beyond what I experienced (boredom) but even so it may be possible to rekindle your feelings for sex with your dh.

I wish you all the very best OP.

I think it's worth reading what ReanimatedSGB said again:

"If you have a disabled child (or another family member who is dependent for health reasons and needs extra care) it's more important for the adult couple to have a happy sex life or an equivalent pleasure. There is this awful attitude that, if there is someone in the family who needs a lot of additional care, then the rest of the family must just accept that this is their life now and martyr themselves. It's actually essential to seek some kind of leisure time and to have something genuinely enjoyable in life. It may not necessarily be sex - it might be once a month getting some respite care so you can go to the pictures. It might be a weekly box of chocolates and a good book. It might be a weekend away twice a year."

Do you see sex as another chore, I mean. and you do not need to answer any of my questions of you would rather not. I'be admitted I once saw sex as a chore but things have changed.

whatsthecomingoverthehill that is a good point.

ShatnersWig When you have a child who will always be dependent on you and a husband whose earning capacity is much less than yours you work the job you need to work to provide for them. And I will not prioritise my husband’s sexual “needs” above that (and he wouldn’t want me to).

Bitoutofpractice I have tried to talk to him a bit and suggest why I think I may have lost my sex drive and explained it has nothing to do with him. But he’s not one for talking about feelings etc so we have not talked about it much, no. He’ll make jokes about it in a light-hearted way which is his way of bringing it up I guess.

Apple You are SO defensive, it's unreal. Sorry, but you are SO dismissive of his sexual "needs" - and we've already established we're not just talking about the sexual act but even kissing - that quite frankly you're coming across as if you couldn't actually give a stuff about your husband, you just want him there and put up with whatever you say. This is not sounding like any sort of love or marriage most people would want. You are putting your WORK above your marriage and your husband.

I'm feeling even more sorry for him.

Thanks for answering!

I think that is your first problem to tackle then OP. Can you make some time to sit down and talk to him about it? Set time aside. I know you might both find that hard but I don't think you can move forward without it.

I lose my libido for the first year of my babies' lives. And I do feel sorry during those times for my partner. It's not a long term way to keep a relationship - 4 years is too long. It's good you're seeking counselling now for it

OP - I haven't read the whole thread but your child with sn got my attention. My dd is severely disabled. For many years I had next to no sex. I think I was in so much pain that relating to my h intimately was just terrifying and instead I shut down. You sound like you work more than I do on top of that so finding time and space to relate to yourself is probably really hard. I saw a counsellor who specialised in sex therapy for a summer and untangled some of it. I also see a counsellor generally that helps me with my emotions. Life is hard. My h and I are kind to each other - that helps enormously. We are also physically affectionate. For a long time we just put regular sex to one side as an unnecessary stressor and focused on kindness, supporting each other, affection. I wont say i wasnt worried that it was sn indixator of problems but i just felt we can do anything rlse znd having or trying to have sex in that state juat seemed to mske ir worse. I had sex drive for sure but just couldnt let anyone in.
More recently life's gotten easier. I get a proper nights sleep more often for instance. And we have started having sex again which feels joyful. I found emily nagoski really helpful in terms of understanding how desire actuslly works. And would recommend her book. I think ita entirely possible to have sex when you are scared and hurting but it wasn't possible for me with my personality traits and I found that given all the challenges I had I also couldn't change how I react to stress (which is shut people out). I don't recommend my way of functioning. But I wanted to let you know these things can ease. I'm not sure piling pressure on yourself to have sex when it feels too much is good when your circumstances are far from the usual norms.

SHatners I think you should go to another thread and pick on someone less vulnerable.

Seriously. You're coming over badly.

I could have written this. DS is 2 and a half and didn't have sex until 3m after his birth. I didn't have much of a sex drive to begin with but now it's non existent. Prob 4 times in the last year? If that. I haven't felt any need to do anything to him or to myself either. I just don't have that 'urge' at all, never. Never become aroused anymore. I just can't be bothered and have no interest.

CheapSausagesandSpam Thank you.

Lasttimeround Thank you that’s really interesting to hear. I do think I would feel differently if it weren’t for DC’s disability - which is on my mind all the time. I think maybe I just don’t have the emotional energy for anything else. I’m glad things are getting better for you and I will read that book. Thanks.

Bitoutofpractice Yes I will - I’ll let him know I’m going to see the GP too and find out about seeing a therapist.

Italiangreyhound It’s not that I see it as another chore - it’s that I seem to have developed a real aversion to it. The thought of it makes me feel genuinely distressed.

Apple I think that's three massive strides forward. If you're anything like me you'll feel better for having a plan / list (GP, therapist, talk).

I really do wish you all the best

Lasttimearound, I think my DH and I are very similar in that we're supportive to each other despite the lack of sexual intimacy.

I know where you're coming from as well, OP. We also have a sn DD (8); our DDs (8 and 5) are adopted and DD1 has Attachment Disorder, as well as sight and hearing problems. She has loud meltdowns and can be violent. It's so stressful; we probably wouldn't have a sex life even with my issues.

You really aren't helping the OP, Shatners, but I don't think you want to anyway. As for your accusations of drip feed, I always think that's unfair. It's impossible to think of everything that needs to be said in the original post.

"Italiangreyhound It’s not that I see it as another chore - it’s that I seem to have developed a real aversion to it. The thought of it makes me feel genuinely distressed."

That is kind of what I thought, mine was more lack of interest but yours sonds like a real aversion. That's why professional help would be better than simply hoping it will go away.

It sounds like the burden of employment is on you and maybe also the burden of thinking about your child/worrying/planning? Can your husband work, or work a bit more, so you work less?

I wonder if there is resentment in your marriage, due to the problems of having a disabled child? Your high work load? Your husband's unemployment? The lack of sex? Lack of communication?

Is the choice to not have any more children mutual?

Again you do not need to answer these. I just feel there are lots of issues.

Some couples may find solace in each other and I'm a physical relationship, but for you both it has gone the other way.

I think you both need to 'heal' from the past traumas and face a future together where you each put each others needs high on your priority list if you can.

This means facing any past trains from a relationship that was abusive, the high pressures of a disabled child, and any issues that have developed between you both. I am sure you know all this but maybe it helps to see it all as a big picture. Not just loss of libido but something bigger. It may involve your dh communicating more and maybe even earning more as well as addressing your very real and obviously, for both of you, very distresssing feelings around sex.

It's not just about his sexual needs but the needs of you both as a couple.

Strains or stress not trains!