To not want sex with DH anymore?

[Applepiehigh]

Name changed for this.

Ever since we had our child, I have completely gone off sex. We have only had sex a handful of times in the last four years and not at all in the last two years.

It’s not that I can’t be bothered - the thought of it fills me with dread. I am thinking of trying to make myself do it but I just don’t know if i’ll be able to - I think I would find it really traumatic and violating.

DH is lovely and I still find him good looking. He’s been incredibly patient but I know it’s getting to him. I don’t think it’s him - it’s just the idea of sex in general.

Any ideas what I should do? I don’t want to jeopardise our marriage - should I just force myself to do it? AIBU for not doing it?

Have you ever spoken frankly to him about your wish for celibacy?

Does he have any idea of the extent of your revulsion? How deep it goes?

Honestly, you need to seek further help, in the form of personal counseling, not from mumsnet.

If you want your marriage to survive the lows, you need to communicate.

Good luck, I hope that you can make it work.

Again, it's not that you are a bad person for having no libido. The issue is that your H has feelings, too, and you are supposed to be a partnership, so you need to consider his wishes as well as your own.
This does not mean that you should force yourself to allow him sex on your body when the idea revolts you: this is also unfair to him (no decent man is going to enjoy sex on that basis.)
You need to communicate with him, and explore your feelings via counselling etc. Because otherwise your marriage is going to fail as he will reach a point of finding it unbearable to live with someone who is actually physically revolted by him.

I’ve told him that I’ve completely gone off sex and that I don’t know why. I’ve never said I was “revolted” by the idea. I think we both thought it may be to do with the stresses we went through with finding out about DC’s disability and my related depression but it shows no signs of changing - I don’t feel any differently.

I’ve been saying “let’s just wait a couple more months and see how I feel” but it’s got to the point I can’t keep putting it off any more.

Honestly, if I was you and I still loved my husband, wanted us to have a loving sexual relationship, and had no issues around sex (eg past abuse), I would at least try just doing it. Have a few drinks first if you need to. I've had periods of reduced sex drive since having my DC and the longer I leave it, the more of a thing it becomes in my head. Once I've gritted my teeth (because as awful as it sounds, that is how it felt) and got it over with, and made an effort to do it again before long, I've kind of reconnected with my sexuality and things have got back to normal.

Of course this approach is not for everyone but it has worked for me.

How has he responded? Has he said he's happy to wait, reassured you that he still cares, or has he indicated in any way that he is distressed or coming to the end of his patience.

It's not completely impossible for both partners in a relationship to have next to no libido and live happily without sex. If that's the case then all you (both) need is to stop worrying about what other people do WRT sex and what they might think, as it's no one else's business.

@delurked that’s actually really helpful to hear.

you are sadly are going to have to do something or your marraige will fail ether by your husband deciding he has waited enough and A) ends the marriage or B) he goes looking for sex else were (which for most people would spell then end anyway if found out).

You do know the effect on someone self estime when the partner no longer wants to have sex with them its pretty soul destroying.

You doing nothing is the problem and putting it off is just going to make it worse.

No one should be stuck in a sexless relationship if they don't want it to be sexless.

So please go to the doctor and explore your options and don't grime and bear the sex as your partner will pick up on it and will make it all that much worse and you will resent him because you having to do the chore of sex.. and it will not end will for ether of you.

I've been through this, in my case it was a combination of being a worn out, touched out mum, a traumatic birth and resulting issues around my body confidence, the effects of the pill and a loss of that 'couple connection' which tends to get overridden by parenthood.

My DH will tell you it was only the knowledge that I wanted to and was actively trying to improve things that got him through it, if he'd felt I didn't care I think that would've been the end of us. It took a lot of time to unravel everything that was wrong (largely because I mostly went the self help route, counselling would undoubtedly have been quicker) but it was worth it, I doubt we'd still be together otherwise.

Do you have any physical contact with him - hugging? Cuddling?

TBH, if DH was forcing himself to kiss me, hug me and have sex with me once a month, I would think we were over and done with. That is not a marriage about love and care and intimacy.

You sound as if he is a friend. I think you should be honest with him and let him decide what he can live with. He deserves to be loved and wanted.

And yes delurked, there was an element of that for me too. I hit a point where I'd read and thought and unpicked as much as I could about ^why^ I felt the way I did and all that remained was to get back on the horse so to speak! It did feel weird and awkward to start with but there's definitely something in the idea of needing to reconnect with your sexuality (and your DH) in order to reignite it.

I think OP has work to do first, it's very difficult to overcome something unless you understand why it's happening but there does come a point where you have to just jump in and do it. Don't rush it though OP, if your DH can see you're trying and he loves you there's time for you to work this out at your own pace.

OP I have a young child and feel similarly. Total loss of interest in sex since DC was born and we also didn't have sex for most of my pregnancy, so it's been a couple of years now. I'm breastfeeding though which I'm pretty sure is why.

Previously I had a very high libido and the issue in my marriage was actually that it was my DH who never wanted sex, whereas I did, and found it very tough that he didn't. Now of course I'm glad for his low libido as there's no pressure on me. Obviously it's not ideal though and I imagine our situation will change again once I stop breastfeeding.

Also the thing is that eventually they do become open to the idea of looking outside the marriage.

Unfortunately it's usually someone they know, who genuinely fancies them and wants to snog the face off them, and the exhilaration of just being wanted for the first time in years can turn it very quickly from "physical release" to "emotional and physical release" and it turns into a full blown affair.

I remember one thread in Relationships, actually it ended up being the first of numerous threads spanning a year or more, where she was devastated and heartbroken and horrified that her husband had come home and told her he was leaving her for someone else. She mmentioned as background they hadn't had sex in several years but she thought they were fine! They had a nice life! How could he do this, to her, to the kids??!

It was never mentioned again in subsequent threads. He was vilified. But I always thought she had been very very naive to think he'd live the next thirty years without any physical intimacy.

So "looking outside the marriage" is never a clean solution.

I'd agree with that sometimes once you get back on the bike, you tend to remember how much fun it is. Even if the first time back in the saddle is difficult.

Other than that, counselling. Are you scared of another pregnancy? Was your birth experience traumatic?

Have you talked to him properly about how you feel? It doesn't sound like you have.

I think if I were your husband I'd want you to be at least making some effort to change things eg exploring counselling, medication, MH etc.

I'm afraid if you're not even kissing your husband, then there really is no intimacy and without intimacy, this is not a marriage but room mates who happen to be parents. I think you urgently need to address this with your GP and your husband, as otherwise this marriage is going to crumble. Sorry. I say that as someone who has been where your DH is (without the issue of parenting) and after four years of no intimacy, I'm afraid I left.

If what you're experiencing is dread, or even terror at the thought of having sex, I don't think forcing yourself to do it will necessarily help in the long run. At least, don't be too disappointed if after you manage to do it once, things then resume as they were. This problem will probably take more to tackle it than just 'getting back on the horse' so to speak.

You can ask your GP for a referral for a psychosexual therapist -- someone who specialises in this area. There is a long waiting list usually. If you are able to pay, I think it's easier to find someone who can help.

I looked into this a lot and was starting to summon the courage to make an appointment when I realised things were already getting better. (For me what finally helped was my faith and being prayed for, as well as just working through it over a long period of time, and reading a book on the topic, as well as continuing to discuss it with my DH, which was very hard. But that was very specific to me.)

What contraception (if any) are you using?

Mirena coil and other contraceptives are well known for killing your Libido. This is also the case for several antidepressants. It's worth reading the Patient information leaflet of any tablets you take.

Sorry hadn't RTFT

Counselling sounds like the best way to go. I do feel for your DH though. It must be very difficult for you both.

Since you say you love him and don't want your marriage to fail I'd say at this point that you have two choices: either you try what delurked suggests and 'just do it', or you go to your GP and ask him/her to refer you to a therapist who specialises in issues surrounding sex.

FWIW I think it's pretty normal for either or both partners in a long-term relationship to go off sex at some point or get into a rut of having very little or no sex and childbearing and work stress are both known to be triggers for that. If you want to keep this marriage happy though and you really are in it for the long haul then you obviously need to do something about it. Recognising that there is a problem and it needs fixing is the first step. Good luck.

OP how do you feel about yourself sexually? do you feel attractive? does your body feel like the one you knew before you had your DC? I went through a long period of this and it was more to do with my feelings about myself than DH.

We used a book called 31 days to great sex which had exercises to try. they started really slowly and were more talking exeecises than ohysical ones but were really effective.

after about 18 days it got a bit religious and weird so we stopped but it really helped us break down those barriers which had built up since DS was born. There is an exercise per day to do and they are designed to help you regain your intimacy without feeling pressure. You are never told to have sex and most of the time specifically told not to.

I still go through periods of not being interested but the reassurance that the mojo will come back takes the pressure off and helps me get back into things more easily.

If your sex life was healthy before DS I would explore whether it is to do with your changed self perception.

obviously I could be way off base here...

@Situp No I don’t feel like it’s that - I have pretty OK body confidence etc. But thanks for the suggestion anyway!

@Juneau Thanks - that makes a lot of sense.

Very sorry to say this but having read your take I'm afraid I'd be advising your DH to leave.

Well, luckily, Teejay, he’s a nicer person than you are.