To not want sex with DH anymore?

[Applepiehigh]

Name changed for this.

Ever since we had our child, I have completely gone off sex. We have only had sex a handful of times in the last four years and not at all in the last two years.

It’s not that I can’t be bothered - the thought of it fills me with dread. I am thinking of trying to make myself do it but I just don’t know if i’ll be able to - I think I would find it really traumatic and violating.

DH is lovely and I still find him good looking. He’s been incredibly patient but I know it’s getting to him. I don’t think it’s him - it’s just the idea of sex in general.

Any ideas what I should do? I don’t want to jeopardise our marriage - should I just force myself to do it? AIBU for not doing it?

I'm the same as you, OP. I can't face sexual intimacy with my DH. In my case it's because of childhood SA, which has left me with PTSD and depression. Basically I was tormented with distressing flashbacks a few years into the marriage, after we adopted our two DDs. It had never been easy before that, because it was triggering even though the memories were buried then.

It's not that I don't want to be sexually active, it's just that the idea of doing it with DH is so triggering because we tried whilst I was dealing with the traumatic flashbacks and I literally had a panic attack. (My DM had said I should 'lie down and think of England' and foolishly I followed her advice.)

I make myself share kisses and cuddles with him but I find that hard too, as I do with any physical contact.

My DH knows why I'm like this and he's been wonderful, but I feel horribly guilty. We feel like parents and best friends rather than lovers, and I was thinking it's time to put that right. We'll have been married for 15 years in April and neither of us wants this to end.

So I get where you're coming from. Hope you find a way through this.

For people who have little or no sex drive because of previous abuse, there is an organisation called My Body Back which I have heard good things about.

Have you been to the doctors at all ? Could be a hormonal problem. I would make a appointment and first get physical caused ruled out if it's not that you could see a therapist. I think you need to show your husband that you are trying to resolve this. Have you just felt no sexual feelings at all? Have you masturbated? Could you try that alone first to see if you feel anything?. The one thing I would say is you keep saying he's kind, he wouldn't leave ECT but that isn T your decision to make it's his, it depends how unhappy he is, how important it is to him. If it was the other way round you may be happy to stay but not everyone would that doesn't make them bad or horrible because they want sex just like it doesn't make you bad or horrible because you don't. It has gone on a long time now and I do think you really need to talk to your husband and find out how he feels. What if this never changed for you is he willing to be celibate? Would you look at him having sex outside of marriage. Is he considering leaving ECT. Once you know how he feels you can make some decisions together.

I dislike penetrative sex so my husband and I have found ways to give each other pleasure. On days I don't want to have full on sex, I just give him a BJ. He goes to bed happy. And so do I.

OP, if you don't want to even touch your husband or cuddle/kiss/relieve him, then you are in for a serious discussion soon. Nobody should be forced to have sex. Then again, nobody should not be made to feel deprived of sex in their marriage.

Time for marital therapy, I think. Of course it's not a magic wand but still worth a shot than living in misery.

Even Christopher Reeves, paralysed from the neck down and surrounded by carers 24/7 for years, insisted on a period of absolute privacy every evening so he could have intimacy with his wife.

The OPs husband is literally getting less intimacy than the wife of a paraplegic.

But the dismissiveness and the contempt towards people who have left celibate marriages from the OP......I doubt "seeking help for it" will involve anything more than posting on MN and getting pissed off by the responses.

For a husband to walk out on a wife when they have a disabled child together and the wife went through a severe depression for years arising from DC’s disability and is obviously having some psychological issues with sex and is trying to find a solution would be a pretty dishonourable thing to do if you ask me.

Nice way to try to pre-emptively shift the blame to him there OP.

If you had sex previously in the relationship then it's unrealistic to expect the relationship to continue without it - it has always been a part of it, in fact - sex is probably the only thing you'd expect from a marriage that you wouldn't get from your other relationships (friends).

I know I couldn't live in the sort of relationship you're describing - the resentment would build & I'd end up hating you - far worse for any DC to witness than an amicable split.

Better to split whilst still getting on & maintain a civil relationship in my eyes.

I think what is at the root of the matter isn't just no sex (which is a problem) and no intimacy at all (a BIG problem) but that there seems to be no communication either.

I asked the OP id she's had a proper talk to her DH about the situation and how it's making both of them feel, but she didn't answer which I suspect means "no".

She says she doesn't know if he watches porn, doesn't know if he's feeling down about it, thinking about going elsewhere. It seems t me like it's simply not discussed.

And that to me is the very heart of the proble,

OP you are clearly very defensive about this. I think you need to be brave and start talking, to your DH, maybe your GP / a counsellor.

Good luck

OK thanks everyone for all your replies.

There have been some really kind supportive ones and I really appreciate that and there have been some more “kick up the bum” type ones which I will try to take on board too.

In terms of intimacy, we do hold hands when we’re walking along and drape ourselves over each other while lying on the sofa watching tv and DH will give me pecks on the cheek etc. so it’s not true to say no physical intimacy at all. Also there are other types of intimacy - in-jokes etc. But I am completely aware that things can’t go on as they are.

To answer a couple of questions, I think there may be something in the fact that I previously had an abusive boyfriend, that I may be traumatised by DC’s disability and that I may still have some low-lying depression. I’m going to go to the doctor and also find a psycho-sexual therapist. And if that doesn’t help I’m just going to force myself to “get back in the saddle” and see what happens. I won’t let us divorce over this whatever happens.

Thanks again everyone - and to those of you who have PMd me too.

I'm glad you're going to the doctor, but I honestly don't think you'll be able to resolve this until you come to the realisation that it wouldn't be 'dishonourable' for him to leave you.

And you really need to talk about this with your husband. You should be able to talk about sex, he's your husband for goodness sake...

Blueskyrain Geez alright you’ve made your point loud and clear a number of times. Give me a break.

It's very hard to broach the subject, though, speaking for myself and my DH; it becomes the 'elephant in the room', and the longer it goes on the harder it becomes. That's why a therapist is needed, which DH and I are talking about doing now.

Thank you for sharing that link to 'My body back', Reanimated, I'll definitely take a look.

Personally, I'd rather my DH expressed how the lack of a sex life was making me feel, as sometimes I wonder whether he actually sees me as a desirable woman rather than just a mum or an abuse survivor.

I know how difficult it is, OP, sadly I don't have advice on how to put it right, though.

To those who have suffered PTSD I have heard this works really well.

www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Post-traumatic-stress-disorder/Pages/Treatment.aspx

“Eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) is a relatively new treatment which has been found to reduce the symptoms of PTSD.
It involves making side-to-side eye movements, usually by following the movement of your therapist's finger, while recalling the traumatic incident. Other methods may include the therapist tapping their finger or playing a tone.
It's not clear exactly how EMDR works but it may help you to change the negative way you think about a traumatic experience.”

Thank you, ItalianGreyhound, yes EMDR is helpful. I've done it in the past, and I'm not getting the distressing flashbacks now, but it opened the way for new memories to come rushing back, so at some point I'll need to process those.

DH and I have talked about revisiting our sex life in 2018, but I have more individual therapy to face to make this possible, I suspect.

It's complicated, so badgering the OP to accept that her DH might leave her isn't helpful. My DH would actually be insulted if I suggested to him that I would understand if he didn't feel he could cope with it.

Applepiehigh - I think you've given a very dignified response here. It is a very difficult subject. Of course your DH wants more sex, that's understandable, and you're clearly trying to work through your issues so that you can get to a point where you can do this. Having kids full stop, let alone a child with additional needs, a stressful job and depression, understandably saps your libido (I talk from experience!). Just try and have some frank discussions with your DH so that you can both be upfront about how you're feeling and what the solution for you (as a couple) is. Personally, at this stage (with you suffering from depression but trying to sort things out and get back on track, even though you're just not feeling it) I think it would be shitty of your husband to leave/have an affair. If you said "I never want to have sex with you again, deal with it", then it would be a little more understandable, but that's not what you're saying! I really hope you're able to resolve this together x

OP. I haven’t read through the full thread but are you currently taking any antidepressants? Some of those can have a significant effect on your libido. My apologies if this has already been answered

Of course your DH wants more sex, that's understandable, and you're clearly trying to work through your issues so that you can get to a point where you can do this

More? More than none, you mean? OP hasn't even been to the GP in four years.

Apple I empathise completely. My DD is 7 months old and I have absolutely zero sex drive at the moment. OH and I haven't had sex since very early on in the pregnancy. We actually tried when DD was about 4 months and it hurt so much that I started crying. We haven't tried since. I know it's a problem but I just don't feel inclined to deal with it at the moment. DD wakes numerous times a night, so I'd just rather try and get as much sleep as possible than have sex.

Curry - Maybe she hasn't been to the GP because she's trying to deal with a million and one other things in her life? Maybe she's been prioritising caring for her child and trying to stay in a stressful job and juggle a million and one things? Perhaps when she first went off sex she thought it was a temporary blip that would resolve itself, and now that it is becoming apparent that it's not sorting itself out she's trying to seek help? Besides, it's not always easy for many people to go to the GP and talk about these things (both the practicalities of getting to an appointment and also the emotional/embarrassment factor of talking about such sensitive issues).

It became apparent it wasn't a temporary blip about 3 and a half years ago. It's not just lack of sex though, it's the lack of snuggle, hugs, kissing. If I didn't have those for a day, I'd be wondering what I'd done to upset my husband, I can't even imagine how he'd feel after 4 years.

But that's what YOU need. It's not necessarily what the OP's husband needs (which is for them to figure out together).

She has already said that they're intimate in different ways. Some people would find having a partner who needs to be cuddled, kissed etc every single day offputting. Every couple is different.

I had this exactly the same as you OP, still do to some extent but we do have sex now because I want to keep my marriage and sex is important to him. Having kids definitely affected me a lot in wanting to keep myself away from others, even DP.
What I found really useful was a technique called sensate focusing, where over a series of weeks you set aside some time and do some very basic touching and massage exercises. I found the exercise sheet on the web can't remember where. There is a ban on sex for the duration of it. You build up trust between the two bodies again. It kind of opens the door again to the physical experience.

CoffeeandCupcakes85 THANK YOU that is exactly it.

I work a very demanding high pressure job in the City - I almost never get home before 10pm at night and often have to work weekends. Having a child with special needs is so time consuming and worrying in itself - it’s the type of disability which involves a lot of therapies and hospital visits. We also had two house moves and renovations since DC was born, DH losing his job and my DM is also very unwell and I’ve been having to try to look after her too. I’ve really struggled to cope with my DC’s disability. I have so much on my plate - I have been hoping things will just resolve themselves and have just been putting it off but surely you can see CurryWorst and Blueskyrain that this is not easy. I’m doing my best.

I think the most important thing is to talk to your dh. It's quite hurtful when someone doesn't want sex but you aren't sure why. He will start to question himself. Is it him, how he looks? was he so bad in bed it put you off? Is it because you don't love him anymore but don't want to end the marriage? Could you be having an ultra secret affair somehow? Unless you are very honest and reassure him he is going to ask himself why and it will eat away at his self esteem.

Blimey OPthat is a lot on your plate!

You still haven't said whether you've talked openly and honestly with DH about this. And whether he has with you. I think that lack of communication would worry me the most to be honest - and not just about sex. Do you talk about other "stuff" in your relationship of has that sort of dwindled too as you try and keep the plates spinning? I know how easy that is. And if you don't feel you have a strong emotional connection (fostered by talking) then it's hard to feel a sexual one.

That is a lot on your plate. And one helluva drip feed, too.