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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

60+ year old man asking to share bed with 4 year old?

225 replies

adviceseeker5002 · 31/12/2017 05:40

NC for this

Would you feel it is very odd that a 60+ year old man (my step-dad, non-biological relative to my DD) openly asks a 4 year old child (my DD) to share a bed with them?

I left DD with DM and step-dad a couple of weeks ago for a few hours in the evening and returned to be told by DM that she had 'gone to bed' with him. I was shocked and it would not have been agreed to had I been there. I knew he had drunk several pints and just found it very odd.

Yesterday went to their house again after a family get-together, no intention to stay over. Step-dad announced he was going to bed, DD was watching a cartoon film and colouring and he openly in front of me and everyone asked her 'do you want to come up and sleep with me'. I was kind of Shock and glad she said 'no' but..?

It made my skin crawl, is it just me?

OP posts:
ethelfleda · 31/12/2017 05:42

Not just you, that doesn't seem right at all! Have you mentioned how you feel about it to them?

newdaylight · 31/12/2017 05:45

Shit no YABU.

It seems he's trying to normalize it in front of everyone so they all see it as a normal thing.

What do you think you want you do about it? no contact?

citychick · 31/12/2017 05:52

this is completely unacceptable behavior and i also believe he is attempting to normalize this.

i would question his motives and leave the house never to return.

i would consider this a serious breach of trust.

do you agree?

Elllicam · 31/12/2017 05:54

Creepy.

citychick · 31/12/2017 05:54

i would probably call police and discuss with a community policeman/woman

Poshindevon · 31/12/2017 06:01

You are not being unreasonable and you should have told your DM and step father straight away that this is not acceptable behaviour.
Instead of waiting for your DD to say no you should have said no.
You need to stop this now and if it upsets your DM and step father too bad. Your daughters welfare is paramount.

harrietsoton · 31/12/2017 06:02

If this is true than you can never trust her to sleep over / stay over at your DMs again - this will happen again. Your mother clearly doesn’t mind.

I think this is weird and creepy as fuck. And I wouldn’t want to risk it escalating.

Original poster
adviceseeker5002 · 31/12/2017 06:03

Thank you. Glad it's not just me.

Don't want to drip feed but it brought to mind something uncomfortable that happened when she was a small baby - maybe 3 months, I can't remember exactly, he met her for the first time and (again openly) kissed her on the mouth. This was my baby and I had never done that before. I was also Shock at the time, as even I hadn't done that, but then said nothing and was left with this weird sense of 'is it just me?'

I don't want to blow things out of proportion but it feels very wrong.

If I raise it with them am expecting it to be minimised, to be told I'm the one making a fuss about nothing and it's harmless. Don't think DM would not support him. What would the Police do?

Should I ask DD directly if anything happened beyond 'sleeping'?

OP posts:
citychick · 31/12/2017 06:09

op i would take a trip to the local police station and ask to discuss this with a community bobby. there must surely be someone allocated to deal with this
it's inappropriate behaviour towards a minor .

it's serious. the man needs help and your daughter needs protection by you and the law

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 31/12/2017 06:09

I am so sorry to be saying this, but if I were you I'd be fearing the worst here.

You mentioned your DD was in bed with your SD a few weeks ago...and she is 4...was that the first occasion that your DD has been left with either your DM and/or SD ever?

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 31/12/2017 06:10

Was your SD around when you were a child, or have they only been together since you were an adult?

Original poster
adviceseeker5002 · 31/12/2017 06:12

arsenals yes

I have had a problem with DM and SD drinking while looking after GC, so this was a trial run and only DM agreed not to drink (SD apparently can't get through the evening without 'a few'). I am a LP and hadn't been out in years, only went to the pub for a few hours with a friend.

OP posts:
harrietsoton · 31/12/2017 06:13

If you feel uncomfortable with him around your daughter than keep her away from him. Surely a paid babysitter is better than the risk of keeping her at DM’s with him?

If raising it with them will fall of deaf ears than YOU as her mother need to physically keep her away from them, regardless of the awkwardness that may occur. A family fall out is obviously not as serious as potential CSA.

The police can offer their advice and possibly run a background check if they’re concerned (?)

If you ask your daughter, I would ask what he / she was wearing, if anything weird happened, if she felt uncomfortable etc. I would also tell her to always say no if he asks again and to tell you straight away - but hopefully he won’t get the chance to ask her if you keep him away

lastnamefirstfirstnamelast · 31/12/2017 06:13

Get some advice asap from the police

Never let your dd be unattented around sd again.

Original poster
adviceseeker5002 · 31/12/2017 06:14

arsenals no, DM re-married a few years after I left home, in my early 20s .

He has adult children, and they also have DC (who also stay with DM/SD, I have no idea whether he has asked/done the same with them).

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 31/12/2017 06:14

I don’t have any advice beyond saying any questions could be leading and compromise an investigation if one is required. There’s a current thread on the same subject except it’s a boy, not a man and something definitely happened. There’s been a fair amount of advice already. Perhaps have a read?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3125873-my-daughter-has-just-told-me-an-older-boy-had-sex-with-her-in-year-2?msgid=74428425

Poshindevon · 31/12/2017 06:14

I would try to talk to DD and gently ask her if anything happened.
Do you have a partner if so have you discussed this them?
As suggested by PPs I would discuss this with the police. They often have a "vulnerable persons" officer, who could offer you advice.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 31/12/2017 06:15

I wouldn't ever leave her with either of them again at either my house or theirs.

Even if you think it's just your DM looking after your DD, chances are, SD will come round/come home....DM just needs to nips out to the shops...you get the picture.

mathanxiety · 31/12/2017 06:18

You know that you can never leave DD with these people ever again, right?

I don't think you can trust your mother any more than you can trust your SD, sadly for both of you.

I would limit contact from now on.

I would most definitely talk to the police about this.

Shard1662 · 31/12/2017 06:21

I agree with pps, it's creepy and inappropriate. But why do you say he is 60+ rather than just saying he is your stepfather. Would it be better if he were 30+ or 40+?

MuseumOfCurry · 31/12/2017 06:23

Good god, no. My kids are very, very close with one of their (biological) grandfathers and they'd never consider sharing a bed with him.

Original poster
adviceseeker5002 · 31/12/2017 06:27

Posh I am a LP. DD's DF left when I was pregnant and has never met her (his choice not mine). I already had one thing to think through this week, as DD announced to me one day 'I don't have a daddy, my daddy' died' and when I asked how she had come to this conclusion she said 'my brain thought of it'. I obviously haven't handled that one right.. but have not wanted to tell a small child they have a daddy but he doesn't want to see them.

But that's a separate issue.

mummy thank you, I took a quick look and people seem to be recommending talking to the NSPCC as well as (or instead of) Police. I'd love some professional advice as head is spinning.

arsenals and math yes, I was due to see them both in a week for another family celebration, where SD had offered to help look after DD while DM and I help organise, but after this I don't want that.

There is still something in me that says I am over-reacting, but also I know I am DD's only protector and can't not take the harshest route here.

OP posts:
ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 31/12/2017 06:31

Are you close with SD's adult children and their children, seeker?

Just wondering if you have the sort of relationship that would allow you to almost casually mention it to them to gage their reaction?

Re the PP who have suggested having a gentle word, if any abuse has occurred, it's almost certain that SD will have told OP's DD that she must not tell, with potential consequences attached if she does. Her answer might not reflect the truth if she's scared to speak it.

I don't know what the right advice is here, but what about starting a general conversation rather than a specific one about SD & what happened at his house.

Are there any books around about how to explain that our bodies are private, and nobody else is allowed to touch them?

I would try to arm her with the knowledge of what is right and wrong, so she can see through any possible threats he might have told, before I address what might have/might not have happened to her.

I'm not qualified though, so my advice might be useless. I do agree that maybe try to read the other thread already mentioned by a PP.

lastnamefirstfirstnamelast · 31/12/2017 06:35

Op, have you read your post?? How are you overreacting? Your protecting your dd!

Well done on seeking advice here and acting quickly on it buy please seek some professional advice on this.

chatterbox54 · 31/12/2017 06:35

I would call the police and never have anything to do with this man ever again. The child is as risk

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